Posted by:
X
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Date: June 05, 2012 10:08PM
Sorry this is long...but while I haven't been your stereotypical gay guy, I've had these feelings since I can remember. And growing up in the church brought it's fair share of issues for me. My family has known I was gay since I was 14 when my oldest brother, who was 26 at the time, found my gay searches (chat rooms and wanting to understand more about my feelings) on the Internet history. He confronted me with my mom (my dad had died the previous year from cancer)and they embarrassed and shamed me so I told them I was curious. Well my brother who is two years older than me found out and told me that he couldn't believe I'd do that and made me feel even worse. So years of deep depression, confusion and counseling at LDSFS can really put one in a mind-bleep. In HS I was persistent and dated guys I'd met online (secretly of course) then mission time came and I'd been programmed to go, had to repent for dating guys and so I hesitantly went. Right away I knew I didn't want to be there but my Mom and siblings kept writing and telling me to hang on, pray, read scriptures, go to the temple, and "lose myself in the work." MP wouldn't sent me home, instead he and the SP doctor said I just needed Zoloft and my family all agreed so I gave it a try and my depression and anxiety got 10x worse! (which is a sign I didn't need it!) I kept giving it my all though but eventually burned out and couldn't get out of bed, etc. MP finally let me go home once I told him I was gay (plus he knew how depressed I was being there) so I came home "honorably" a few months early.
I left the church after I came home (learned on my mission through church history books in church linrary that the church was a fraud plus being gay and proud of it doesnt mix well with the church...obviously) but I still live my life as though a Mormon (don't drink or do drugs, etc. and that's nothing to do with religion I just don't do any of it by my own choice) I have been in a monogamous committed relationship for 5 years; we don't participate in the "gay scene" because we have no need too, we just live a quiet life with close friends and are very happy. My family has known of my "lifestyle" and partner but nobody has eer made the effort to reach out to my partner. I bring his name up around family and they get uncomfortable but will ask things like "what does _____ do..." etc. But never "you should bring ____ along sometime!" or "we should all go out so I can get to know him." Nothing. My TBM family has shown "love" to me though despite, but I'm learning it's not real and they back talk me because I've HEARD them. Oldest brother (12 yrs older) even text me one time when I informed him I wouldn't be attending priesthood that "I have hope for you...we all do." I took the high road and didn't reply, and have taken the high road MANY times with them all when they say or do ignorant things. I know this is long, but I want people to get a good idea of my situation. So two weeks ago my brother that's two years older than me (whom I've never actually talked about being gay with but he's knows since he was 16 and knows about my partner and has even offered to help us move twice before but I think that's because ie helped him & his wife move so much...but anyways...)so my brother emails me a good quote website because he knows I love quotes (it wasn't LDS website don't worry...he knows better than to do that) so I emailed him back an email thanking him and talking to him about a job he applied too, wishing him well etc. I additionally opene up to him even stating I know we'd never talked about it before and that I know for him it may be awkward, but I basically told him my deepest feelings and that this is who I've always been and that I love my partner and that I am so happy compared to before when I had to live a lie. I was very nice and even told him I really would appreciate his reply, regardless of his thoughts or opinions. Well it's Ben two weeks now, it's killing me with pain. I cannot believe he hasn't replied. I opened up to him...something that I've been afraid of doing with people for this exact reason! I can't stop thinking about it, I feel like its time to cut off contact with him & my entire family. I can think of a plethora of things I want to say and do to them all but I want to remain classy and take the high road but I also feel they need to know how they've hurt me. For my brother that's two years older than me I want to reply simply with this quote (since he loves quotes) "when you simply dismiss someones innermost feelings you are dismissing them."
Should I cut the cord to these toxic people? Since they've pretty much already dismissed me by not including my partner. Anytime I hear from them I feel sad and depressed. They don't contribute anything positive to my life I feel. But the thought of losing your family is hard & its been causing me much grief, but I keep reminding myself my partner and I are now building our family (plan on adopting in a few years). Any thoughts on cutting ties with family?