Is this normal? I used to be glued to rfm. I have been lurking less frequently.... I keep thinking I have reached the bottom of the rabbit hole sand then I read something more. I have information overload.
And now I just feel numb. I need to turn away and process. Has anyone else been where I am at now? I just feel frozen, overwhelmed, and disappointed in humanity.
Sometimes the sheer weight and ramifications of the truth is staggering.... I know this is just a stage of grief, but its scaring the shit out of me. I feel oddly calm, yet .... I don't know. It's confusing the hell out of me.... Any words of wisdom, fellow escapees? It would be much appreciated. Thanks.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/14/2012 03:28PM by ambivalent exmo.
I've been in the numb stage a few times. I definitely have felt exactly what you're feeling. I've also felt Shock, sadness, anger, confusion, apathy, happiness, freedom, laughing at all of it and crying over all of it.
I was numb and removed from both the website and the church for 13 years. I told my mother at that point I did not believe the church was true. It was then that I first came to this website. After a while it seemed like all I wanted to do was get on with my life and quit lurking. With the potential presidency of Mitten Romney, all the sour taste is back. I think that this is a trigger for me. I think we will always be in recovery from our religion. Right now I lurk to find out what like minds are thinking. It has been helpful.
I posted a lot more and was more sarcastic when I was angry. Admittedly what I wrote then was a lot more funny and interesting. Now that I care less (numbeness stage as you put it) I have no subject matter of interest and I have nothing to write, which is a shame, I like writing. But truth be told caring less is healthier, at least for me.
Usually someone has to piss me off before I feel the need to vent here, and for the last eight months or so it's been pretty uneventful. That's the truth about recovery, sometimes it's boring. Constant drama is probably fabricated, and boring is probably healthy for recovery.
Yes, the raw emotion fades as a natural part of the grieving process. I know I experienced a terrible loss when I lost my faith, which was not just the center of my social and spiritual life but was my entire worldview.
There are natural steps in grieving, and you're past the angry stage and probably moving toward acceptance and peace. That's a good sign.
Given the high expectations that we had from the Church, it is not surprising that one experiences such a range of emotions. My sister (you knew her) told me that leaving the church is no different than going through a divorce. You invest your heart, soul, money, time, talents, everything you are in it, then find out it was all a sham and you were deceived.
I've been out going on 20 years. I still lurk here. Living in Utah the church is everpresent. I would have a better chance of making it an irrelevant part of my life if I lived somewhere else, but I don't. I find it difficult to leave it behind when it is a pervasive part of Utah life.
One thing that I keep telling myself is that these emotions are REAL emotions, not the fake ones that I used to have. And I tell myself that the real emotions, even the raw, angry ones; the "how could I be so gullible" ones, the feelings of loss and emptiness, are all so much more honest than those pretend things and the false front that one finds within the church due to peer pressure and guilt.
Yep, its a roller-coaster. Ya have to hang on tight. And it works better when you have a companion who hangs on tight with you.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/14/2012 05:53PM by my2cents.
Whew! One facet of leaving the morg is constantly questioning what is real/true... and what is not. It sounds trivial, I suppose, to those who have not reached this particular level of apostacy hell, ala Dantes Inferno... but there it is. I'm weary of it. At least I know I'm not alone. Thanks for the free therapy and thoughtful encouragement. Means more than y,all know....
the numbness stage is oftentimes my scariest--with each grief--I tend to shut down and not be "present" in my life/thoughts. I do a lot of stupid things because I'm not thinking--just going through the motions.
That is when I slip into "full catastrophe living" and I actually scare myself.
I'm thinking I will be in one stage or another the rest of my life. I've been through a divorce, and this feels eerily similar.
I will get better as time goes on, but I will never forget, and the echos will reverberate through my life for the rest of my life. Eventually it won't be the main thing i'm dealing with. That I know for sure. I'm going through what I need to go through. I'm taking it as it comes. Some days are easier than others.
I just took a short vacation to go visit a nevermo friend. I need to do things like that more often. It breaks the chain of thought and puts me in a different mental space for a while. That's a good thing. It helps to put things in perspective.
It will take time. I don't want my exmormonism to become who I am. I'm going to start taking breaks that have intense focus on other things. Eventually I will think about mormonism occasionally instead of every day.
The most difficult times will be when my TBM stepson, or my still tbm sister come to visit. I know that will bring it all rushing back. I'm going to just try and deal with it when it happens.
In a way i'm lucky. I had about 10 years away from the church while in my late 20's early 30's. It gave me a taste of how other people live. Alcohol, coffee, and things like that aren't completely foreign to me. Different lifestyles aren't a culture shock. In a way, i'm going back to a life I once knew. This time I have more information. There is no guilt, no regret, no 'what if's'. Life can be good. Full of small pleasures that get missed when you're consumed by a religion. Look for the small things, and your life will become filled with them to the point of true joy.
When you are feeling numb consciously, your subconscious is very busy digesting. It can only stand so much.
After my stint on the board at the Exmormon Foundation, I felt overloaded and just wanted to wriggle free and never hear another Mormon word. I felt like I had raged, laughed, cried, heard every joke, learned amazing stuff, had my eyes opened to things I couldn't even have imagined which SHOCKED me ...
...like the Mormons being allowed to take the remains of the Mountain Meadows Massacre victims to BYU for study and making a freaking film about it, showing the bullet holes. It made me physically ill.
Each of us has a facet, an aspect of Mormonism which is particularly offensive, ok, maybe even more than one. And sometimes you just can't take any more in.
The numbness will pass. Just think of the little round thing on your computer going "working, working, working." That's your heart right now.
I'm not so stellar at the tender stuff... but my heart is really going out to you. *big hug*
The way I see it, we're all on the same raft escaping the same sinking ship, and every now and then, your arms will tire a bit from rowing. So take a breather. The end of the journey will totally be worth it. That light at the end of the tunnel, I can see :)
At times I felt numb and it was a relief, other times the numbness just felt empty and I wanted desperately to feel something. The something is often very strong negative emotion, anger, resentment, guilt, and it does come in waves. It is exhausting. But it does get better.