Posted by:
caitieq
(
)
Date: December 16, 2010 03:36AM
I’ve never been good with change, and any decision for me takes a long time to think over. Even while I am making purchases, I will agonize on whether I should actually buy something for weeks before I take the step to actually make the purchase. I am very calculated and I study and read constantly, so to this day, my conversion to Mormonism is shocking and can only be attributed to the fact that I was still suffering from a personal trauma.
I experimented in Mormonism in high school because I had lots of Mormon friends and it was a great place to be social, plus it was very interesting to me. As I continued to read into Mormonism I became more and more turned off by the sexism, the racism, and the homophobia, just to name a few. I was also sick and tired of lessons with the missionaries and I was sick of them asking me to be baptized, but I went off to college in the fall and with that I left Mormonism behind me.
I thought I was done forever when I got to school, and for the entire year, I was right. I had friends who I could be my liberal-non-modest self with and I was very happy. My year seemed to go very well until I was brutally attacked and raped by a close friend. When I returned home early from school I was a wreck and the only people home were all my Mormon friends, so naturally I flocked right back to the church ,and when I was asked if I would commit to be baptized I said yes and was baptized a week later. I was so in need of being in control of my life, having control over something, I chose to be baptized and little did I know, that the church would not help me get over my rape, or help me regain control over my life. I should have known though.
My friends could tell that something was wrong with me, I was no longer the girl accepting dates left and right, I was no longer the loud, energetic, adventurous and lovable Caitie they used to know. So finally I broke down and told one of my friends whom I was very very close to. Things started to get better and as the summer went on I started to become my normal self, so much in fact that I was distraught and almost caught off guard to see myself in the church again, in fact actually a member of the church. For the rest of the summer the Bishop kept me on a watch of some sort due to my associations that were “troubling”. I volunteered at Planned Parenthood and I worked for two gay men, and I was a vocal supporter of Gay rights on Facebook and social events outside of the church.
When everyone left to go back to school, I stayed home. I was not ready to return to my college yet and I was in no rush to do so. But once all my friends left, I stopped attending the church. In my absence I was often love bombed with cookies and scripture quotes and candles and assorted methods many Relief Societies tend to utilize. I left the church alone, but they didn’t leave me alone. Two weeks ago I received a call from my Bishop asking for an appointment to meet with me, and wanting him to call off the love bombs I consented.
When I arrived at the meeting he began with the typical small talk and then started asking me if I was following the law of chastity, the WoW and all of those regular questions. I was caught off guard but I answered all truthfully, that yes, I was following all those rules, because naturally they come to me, not because I was a practicing Mormon. His face grew angry and then he started to admonish me for lying to him, that he has heard from a reputable source that I have broken the law of chastity and have engaged in an abortion. He listed off such personal details I started to cry. He was reciting my rape experience, except in a way where I was the party to blame, the loose one. I was in complete shock that my friend had betrayed me so much, but also that my Bishop was blaming me for my rape. He was trying to tell me how I have disgraced my good name when I got up and left the meeting. So far he has tried to contact me since that meeting, but I am furious. At the moment I am in a state where I am not sure how to react to the church but I can’t say I am too surprised.