Posted by:
Makurosu
(
)
Date: September 28, 2010 10:04PM
Hi, my name is VarDell Crandall, and I'm from Ephraim, Utah. I used to work in a furniture store, but now I have a real career with Melaleuca. My wife disagrees, but she honors the priesthood.
I have eleven children, eight of whom are named after characters from the Book of Mormon. I won't list all their names, as this is only a 30 second spot. I drive a 1971 Dodge B-300 maxi-van that can seat all the kids and still fit inside of a standard garage. Our favorite song when we're on the road is "Book of Mormon Stories That My Teacher Tells To Me." I'm careful to alert the children to the fact that the "Lamanites from ancient history" aren't actually the primary ancestors of the Native Americans, as we sometimes encounter this idea in anti-Mormon literature.
We enjoy reading the scriptures, writing in our journals, studying genealogy, going to the temple, reloading ammunition and building our food storage. My basement looks like a Costco. We subscribe to the Ensign, New Era, the Children's Friend and Soldier of Fortune magazine.
I spend a lot of time at church. Almost as much time as I spend at work. Church is important to me. If I didn't go to church all the time, I would probably become an ax murderer. I have to be careful about that, because my own sense of right and wrong is only as strong as my belief in the planet Kolob, peep stones and magic underwear. Needless to say, my faith is STRONG.
I skateboard and take pictures of half-naked models.
I served a two-year mission in Ireland for my church in the 1980s. I didn't choose the location I would be serving, but I do believe that the Irish people did not have quite enough religion at that time, so I went to give them some more. I never baptized anyone in all that time, despite 60 hours a week of knocking on doors, but I know that the Lord inspired the prophet to send me there.
I don't know about you, but when the prophet says we need to support legislation in another state that has nothing whatsoever to do with me but denies consenting adults the right to marry, I sit down and write out a check for $200. I also believe that drinking tea should deny a mother and father the right to attend their daughter's wedding.
I believe that obedience is the first order of Heaven. I wear underwear that goes down to my knees and bears Masonic symbols. I spend three hours in worship meetings on Sunday, but I listen to talk radio three hours a day. When I masturbate, I think of Karen Carpenter.
You guessed it... I'm a Mormon.