When I was 19 and had gone through a bishop's court and had completed a probationary period, my Bishop and Stake President insisted that I tell my future husband (whom I hadn't met yet) that I was a virgin when I was not. They said because I had repented of my sins it was as if they had never happened. I didn't think it was a good idea which is why the Bishop had the Stake President tell me as well. Well I did what they said but after about 12 years into the marriage I felt that my husband and I were so close that I could tell him anything so I told him the truth. He tried to deal with it but he said the moment that I told him the truth he stopped loving me. We had a fourth child after that but things went down hill from then on and we were divorced after seventeen years of marriage. At the time I told him he was Elders Quorum President and I was Primary Chorister. Now on his facebook profile he has "Never again" under religion and I have "Recovering from......" There is more to my story and once again I would like to say that I'm looking for help writing it but I was just wondering if anyone else was given this kind of advise.

that was some bizarre advice from the bishop and a pathetic response from your now ex.
"...he said the moment that I told him the truth he stopped loving me?" If this is what he said, then he's a moron. Virginity is overrated and objectifying. Unless you knowingly gave him an STD. Then I could understand his resentment.

No I didn't give him an STD and he understood that it had not been my idea to lie to him but he said that it was important to him to marry a virgin. He was a convert of one year when I met him and was 2 years older than I was so I assumed that he was not a virgin and never asked him and was surprised that he actually asked me. Looking back I think that maybe he was a virgin and maybe that was one explanation for his reaction. It is very sad though because we had been through so much together even survived losing our first child.

Although I disagree that virginity is "overrated and objectifying" (how judgmental), I do agree that your ex is a pathetic moron if he stopped loving you because he knew he wasn't your only sexual partner. That's ridiculous!

If, however, the problem was your betrayal of/lying to him, I can kind of understand where he was coming from. I'm not judging you, merely trying to present a perspective. It doesn't matter if the bishop, the SP, or God Himself told you to lie, you are still responsible for building your marriage on a lie and perhaps your husband's ability to trust (and therefore love) you dissolved when he found out what you had done. I'm not saying it's right, but I am saying he probably can't help it if that's how he feels. I just doubt that virginity has such a heavy weight to it that it could dissolve a marriage of 17 years with four children, if nothing else was going on. Surely your ex is not that shallow?

It's also possible (and more probable, I think) that as middle age dawned, he simply wanted a way out of the marriage and this was a convenient excuse to leave. Or that as he aged and found out the truth about the Mormon church, he matured in his understanding of what he wanted in life, as opposed to what the church told him he should want.

And that is completely idiotic advice from your bishop and SP, but what can you expect from people who aren't trained in the ministry or dealing with people? The LDS church touts its all(or mostly) volunteer personnel, but in situations like this, it can be a severe disadvantage and even ruin marriages and lives. I'm a nevermo, but I've been around here long enough to get the impression that Mormon leaders (local and otherwise) frequently talk out of their asses to disastrous results.

BUT the best part of all this is that it's over. You have a chance to start again. Rejoice - you survived this madness, and you've come out the other side wiser and stronger! I'm sorry that you went through all this. It sounds like it has been a real struggle. But you are recovering, you are growing, you are changing, you are becoming a new you - and that's worth celebrating! :)

Also, reading back over my post, I kind of sound like I'm trying to be mean, but I'm really not. That's the problem with communication in text on the internet...you can't see my facial expression or the attitude of warmth that I actually have. Please don't think that I was trying to hurt you in my previous post. I wasn't.

I think the end of your relatively long marriage is very sad, and I'm so sorry for your losses (of marriage and first child). :( However, I still maintain that your recovery is worth celebrating! :)

Elle Bee Wrote:
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> Although I disagree that virginity is "overrated
> and objectifying" (how judgmental)...

I too think that it's overrated. And until this post I didn't think of it as objectifying, but I think that it probably is that too.

It boils a woman's worth down to her vagina and if a penis has been slipped inside it. That's all about vagina, and not about the person. That's objectifying.

A penis can be rubbed, or slipped in any part of a woman's body and still be a virgin, just not the vagina. So it doesn't tell you anything about her character, state of mind, etc. Is a girl that has anal sex, but not vaginal sex really so much more pure? It objectifies a woman and puts her worth as a person, her worth as a wife and mother as this thread shows, all into whether or not a penis was ever in her vagina. She could give BJ's to ten guys, and have anal sex with ten more, and still be a virgin. But let just one penis slip inside the wrong spot and she's lost her worth. That puts her worth as a person not in her brain and her personhood, it puts it in the box between her legs. That objectifies.

...the same thing happened to me. I found out about the sexual involvements of my wife at about the 10th year of our marriage. It was quite a bit, including probably 3-4 different guys in her teens and one regular just before she met me at a YA fireside. I was just home from my mission. She didn't tell me a thing about her past, and led me to believe she was a virgin. Honestly, if I had known about her history, being the morgbot that I was and a virgin, I wouldn't have married her because of a lack of character on her part. I was conditioned to believe that those who engaged in pre-marital sex had poor character and would end up cheating on you in the long run or other things. So When I found about her past on pure happenstance, it did bother me. I soon got over it, having had three kids by then. What bothered me was her flirtations with other men in the ward, and eventually having a sexual relationship with a man she met in her class - at the 17th year mark of our marriage. Our marriage went down hill after that, and we divorced.

Mormon leaders should never tell young people to NOT tell the truth. Perhaps they do because the church is founded on lies and deception, and they believe they spin whatever they want to for "righteousness sake" but in the end its still a lie.

I really don't wish this on anyone else, but bizzare as this advise may have been, could I be the only one they told this to? After I was married, they even asked me if I had done what they asked and were very pleased when I said yes.

And that you were in a very destructive cult with leaders who betrayed your trust.

Time now to take a breath and work on recovering. You're a survivor.

My take on this is that your ex joined the church believing in what it promised and implied and he gradually realized that it was all lies.

Your little revelation to him was simply the proverbial last straw.

ALso, your old bishop and SP were nuts - first in having a court for a female teen over sexual transgression and secondly, for insisting you follow such crazy advise.

How sad for you.

Thank you all for your helpful replies. You may be right. The way I found out that he wanted a divorce was that be had stopped wearing his garments and when I asked him about it, he said that he hadn't worn them for a long time and that he wanted a divorce. Looking back now I realize that I should have seen it coming.

I know a few LDS guys who were big on marrying a virgin but it wasn't because of purity issues. They were more concerned about be compared (if you catch my drift) to other guys.

i was told by a bishop/stake president not to talk to my future spouse about anything sexual i had done before, after repenting, however "small" it was, but that's crazy they told you that you should lie and say you were a virgin.

is that advice anywhere in the CHI? anybody know?

"somethings that are true are not very useful"

Mormon bishops and SPs are so unqualified to give advice. I wonder how many lives have been seriously f'd up by their 'God sanctioned counsel'. I wish there was some way to make these people (and the cult) accountable for their actions.

You know, the one taught by the oh-so-celebrated Brother Bott? Nice guy, but he's a bit of a crackpot.

His focus was on not telling investigators, teenage members of the ward, etc. about your "past transgressions" because doing so might inadvertently send the message that sexual transgression isn't that big of a deal. But he took it to the next level in class, saying that we shouldn't tell our future spouses about any sexual history because (a) you've been forgiven, and (b) that knowledge will undermine the relationship.

Having been a wedding-night virgin, the advice didn't apply to me, but I thought it was terrible. If your boyfriend/girlfriend/fiance is going to freak out and leave you over your sexual history NOW, is he/she really going to be more okay with finding out you've been hiding it after years of marriage?

Fortunately those of us in the class just heard it from some BYU prof, and we could discard it without much of a thought. I feel bad for anyone who had this drilled in by some priesthood leader pretending to have "stewardship" over him/her.

Again with the church presuming to dictate how a husband and wife should handle extremely intimate matters. Arrogant and disgusting and I don't know how you guys could stand it.

For any TBMs lurking--Really, truly: outside the Morg, no unqualified fool will ever presume divine authority to give you harmful unsolicited advice on your sex life/marriage. [Well, maybe certain Christian sects, but not all.] Come on out! It's nice out here!

I was told that it was forgiven, and let it go. You don't need to keep bringing it up, the Lord has forgotten it, and so should you.

And as a side note. I never wanted to marry a virgin. It seemed a lot more appealing to me to be with someone who knew what sex was, and was looking forward to it with excitement, not fear or worry. I've been married twice, and neither one were virgins. I didn't care at all.

My wife now had only had sex with one person. I was glad she did. It was a great experience for her and she was comfortable. The whole conquest and deflowering thing was never my thing.

Wait a minute!!!! So, if you repent your hymen doesn't grow shut again? Shit, I think my ex lied to me.

Just sayin'...

Ron

Jesus, what a self-important, egotistical @$$wipe. Virginity isn't about you keeping yourself "clean" for him, it's about knowing he was first at the "conquest". Idjit.

But I personally know a lady who at a rather advanced age for Mormon marriage is still keeping herself pure for whomever it is she will marry. It's somewhat pathetic and inappropriate.

Bad advice I got from most p'hood leaders, and especially Spencer Kimball, was to marry right after our mission. I was pure TBM then but I shook my head and thought to myself "screw that!".

Your ex sounds like a total moron. If he bases your worth on something so petty and stupid as actually having had a life before he came along then you're better off without the d-bag.

Tell us what you REALLY think, V! :)

Ron

He cares about if his wife is a virgin = He thinks he has a small penis.

jon1 Wrote:
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> He cares about if his wife is a virgin = He thinks
> he has a small penis.

He probably does.

Totally, I have a tiny wiener and was so happy my wife didn't get to sample the good stuff!

lmao!

I was told nothing about sex during my pre-marriage interview. In fact when I got home, my mom asked me how it went and I told her that the bishop told me "no holds barred" when it comes to sex. She had a priceless look on her face. I know when my parents were married they were told not to do certain things.

One thing I was suspicious of was my wife told me she was a virgin, and I was a virgin so the whole cherry pop thing I kept hearing about was something I was looking forward to, but come to find out there was no such event. I didn't know if she uses tampons it pops that cherry already, at least that is what my wife told me later. Maybe she is lying to me about being a virgin, I could care less now, but for some reason at 21 I thought this was a big deal.

Tampons usually don't because the hymen opens on it's own at puberty to allow blood to pass through. Sometimes the hymen already has a large opening so there is no tearing the first time the woman has sex though.

Yes, I have heard this advice given before.

We had an institute director promoting this exact advice the you describe. He shared the story of a woman he counseled as a bishop. According to him she had been very sexually active with many different men. She eventually repented and he told her the same thing...her slate was wiped clean and she could honestly say to future suitors that she was a virgin. However, when she finally met a man and got engaged to him, she felt compelled to admit all her past encounters with him. The engagement broke apart and she was heart broken, and she went to the bishop for help.

This institute director (former bishop) then goes on to tell the class that he could not fathom what would possess this sister to reveal her past sins. Doing so is tantamount to recommitting those sins. Therefore, gods punishment to her was to destroy what could have been a great marriage!

So there you have it...if you admit a sin, its as if you've recommitted the sin and/or shows that you haven't TRULY repented of it since you can still remember it.

you will soon be able to see that a guy like that wasnt really worth being tied to forever anyway.

there is NEVER a day that I am thankful for MORmON eternal marriage! & I love my divorce more everyday!

I've heard this advice before. I had a girlfriend whose sister had sex without about 10 guys before she met Mr. RM virgin boy. He was a bit naive about sex. Her BP told her that she didn't need to tell him about her prior sexual encounters because she had repented and it was as if it had never happened.

I always wondered how their sex life went. They are still married and it has been lots of years. Maybe he still doesn't know.

Frankly I think it is horrifically bad advice. Moronism is so screwed up.

disaster is never very far away. But never for them, only the hapless victims of their advice.

... even care to ask about their spouses past sexual experiences? I'm pretty insecure... so if some other dude(s) was(were) better than me, I don't wanna know. I suppose my wife feels the same way since she's never inquired about my past either.