I guess it is time to introduce myself. I have been a long time lurker and I have commented from time to time. I was a 4 th generation BIC mormon. I served a mission in Ecuador was married in the SLC temple, I have four kids and I am a widower. As of yet I have not resigned from the TSCC because I feel they have no power so there is nothing to resign from. Up to now I have not gotten love bombed so as long as they leave me alone I don’t really see the need to resign. I live in Brigham City, UT. This is my journey thus far.

I had doubts early on in life and questioned many things but it wasn’t until my wife got cancer before I started to dig and do research. For three long years I went through hell watching her suffer and ask for numerous “blessings”. All of which told her that she would have a complete and full recovery and that her job was not done here. She had 4 kids that needed to be raised. My wife was very devout and paid her tithing on here disability checks and went to the temple almost monthly. She firmly believed that if she did these things that the “blessings” would be fulfilled. At one point her dad even commanded her to “rise and be healed”. This was of course on her death bed. The day we received notice from the doctors that there was nothing else they could do for her she didn’t believe it. She was still strong to the faith so to speak. It wasn’t till she got her last blood test that she looked at me and asked if she was going to die. She broke down and could not understand why these blessings didn’t work. She passed away a little over 4 and a half years ago. After her passing I had all kinds of time on my hands. I needed to make sense of why a loving god would take a mother away from her 4 kids. Why the “blessings” didn’t work? Is the plan of salvation really true? What happens to us once we die? I think a common thread to those who leave the church is they have a life altering occurrence that jump starts them into questioning their belief system. I don’t really recall where my oh shit moment was for sure, or what one thing that made me say “wow”. It just all seemed to build on each other and there was so much evidence that it all was BS! Since my discovery I had to tread lightly around my kids. They were clinging onto the fact that we were and “eternal family”. Through patience, observation, and open communication all four of my kids are out with me. We now enjoy our lives cult free. Thanks to RFM and all you wonderful people here with your stories I didn’t feel so alone and gained the courage to continue down “my” path.

Thank you for your story. I am so sorry for the pain of going through what you have - I can only imagine how difficult it must have been.

Your very personal example of the lack of miracles and answers to prayers and misunderstood spiritual feelings was also at the core of my loss of belief.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/16/2012 01:11PM by bc.

Wow. That was gut-wrenching to read, but we're very privileged that you shared it with us. I'm so sorry for this horrible pain you endured. I guess the one thing they got right was she still had work to do on this earth--now that she "knows" the truth, you know she would want you and the children to live lives to the fullest and free of the cult's bullshit.

Anyone would be proud of the courage you have shown. Really glad you're here :)

and you lived it!! so sad...I dont believe there is a sky daddy that watches over us and gives us "blessings" I am glad you are here and it seems that you learned a bit here as you took it easy with your kids and now they are out! :) I hope you find all that you need in this life...cause there may be no other! prolly no other...almost certainly no other!! :) :) ;)

One of the most important things I learned was to live in the moment, live life with no regrets, tell people what they mean to you, and live like today is your last because it very well could be!

Thank you for sharing your story, Flyfisher. I'm sorry that you lost your wife. It is always interesting to learn what prompts the journey out for each exmo. It's often a highly individual thing.

You're a great dad.

Thanks for your story.

I am sorry to hear about your wife. Just as many people find a religion because of a major upheaval, many question it as well.

Welcome to the board - officially.

T-Bone

Thank you for your story. So sad but so beautiful somehow.

Wow, what a courageous story. It really struck me because I have a family member who lost her spouse (died right in front of her in a horrible and sudden way) and for that reason, I think will never allow herself to question all the church crap she has to deal with (a LOT of it as a single widow, believe me). It seems to me that the hope that they will 'be together' in the next life is too strong and too much to 'give up'. It was at the funeral for this spouse that I truly accepted my own atheism, as well as my utter rejection of all the horrible trite crap TBM's said to my relative. But for others, it only reinforced their determination that the church MUST be true, so they can see their loved ones again in the faboo polygamous mo-heaven.

I hope this isn't too invasive to ask, but it would be really helpful (maybe to others as well) to hear how your views on life after death or where your wife is now 'evolved' as you left the church, and how you talked about it with your kids. I apologize if this is too personal and you don't want to talk about it.

I have no problem sharing. If my journey can help anyone else out that would be great. I will share more later when I get home to a computer. Right now I am on my phone and its hard to see and edit what needs to be said.

Thank you, I really look forward to it, and I bet I'm not alone. Much to be learned from your generosity in sharing:)

Wow. To go through so much, lose your wife, and have the courage to look at your faith square in the eye and say "This isn't real". Then to patiently lead your children into reality and still help them hang on to the idea that they are all part of a great family. Thank you for sharing this.

Thank you for your very touching story.

I grew up in Brigham City not far from the "Peach City". Now in Cache Valley.

We just moved from Perry to another city a little south. Like to meet you sometime...

Email me and we can work out the details. Air2467@yahoo.com

I'm in Perry too!

I am so sorry for the loss of your wife. I am sorry also for the false hope held out to you both for healing when they could have instead been supporting your family to prepare emotionally for the eventual outcome and spend the remaining time together peacefully.

thanks for sharing your story with us flyfisher. I'm so sorry to hear about what happened with your wife; not the greatest way to begin your journey out of Mormonism, but it usually takes something life-altering, as you said, to get the process started. What's truly amazing to me is that your children are all out too; I hope that my 3 children (2 of them minors) will figure it out for themselves and live an authentic life as well.
Welcome to RfM!

Hi fossil hunting fly fishing friend. Interesting to watch people I know from other places come out on their disbelief.

So when are you going to take me up on my invite to fish the coast down here in TX?

Lou

I think I just oopsed and confused you with another fly fishing single father I know in Brigham, if so sorry.....

Yep I think you have the wrong guy but wouldn't mind fishing the coast in TX!

Come on down. We can rent kayaks and chase bull reds.

So... Just to see if I might know ya, as I know a lot of the fly fishing crowd in UT having been part of it, do you utotf?

Lou

Welcome, congratulations on finding the truth and leaving with all your children.

I am sorry about your wife. Your story touched me because there was a family that I knew who had a similar experience. The wife got cancer and after several years of suffering passed away, leaving a husband and children behind. The youngest had an expression of sadness for years. The oldest turned to the church. People admired him and said how mature he was. I think he felt he needed to do everything right to see his mother again. He ended up serving a mission. I don't think they will leave the church but it breaks my heart to see the suffering the family went through and their wonder of why the blessings did not work. My heart goes out to you and your children.

Your story is an inspiration to me, too (wiping away the tears.) I am so sorry for your loss!

You have achieved a great deal, in gently leading your children out of what I believe is an evil cult. I'm always happy to read about a family that was NOT fragmented by Mormonism. My children led me out, and we all resigned together. Their father abandoned us, and I raised them alone. They were great kids, and have grown into great human beings. We are all very close--closer than we would have been if I had stayed in the cult. We have had our share of struggles, but Mormonism was the only thing we yelled at each other about. The Mormon religion makes everything WORSE. I can testify to that.

You have saved your children from a lot of grief. They will not be plagued with guilt and uncertainty--wondering if they are worthy enough to be with their mother in the hereafter. My children were taught in Primary, that because their father and I are divorced, they would "pass by each other as strangers" in the CK. My little kids were warned that it was their responsibility to keep me paying tithing and doing temple work, so I would be worthy of finding them a new father someday. What a horrible burden on them! I wanted them to have few worries, except to complete their homework, be good citizens, and have a happy, fun childhood. Mormonism = unnecessary burdens.

It is my honest opinion that you and your children will adjust better to your wife's death, if you let your lives flow naturally along. You don't have to feel you are "lacking in faith" when you miss her and mourn her. You love her, and it is natural to be sad. You won't have the pressure to replace her when the Mormons tell you that you must marry another Mormon woman in the temple ASAP.

When I rejected Joseph Smith and his ridiculous scriptures and tall tales, I felt much closer to Christ and God. I still believe in a hereafter, but certainly not in the silly JS/Swedenberg version. A class hierarchy in Heaven? Joseph Smith helping God judge us? My close relative was a respected GA in the LDS Church, and he made it very clear to us kids that: "No one has ever died and gone to Heaven, then returned to tell about it. We just don't know!" He said that even the Mormon Prophets did not know.

Part of what we do know is that human beings are all bound together as ONE with each other, and with the universe. As Carl Sagan says, "We are made of the same 'star stuff.' The same elements in our bodies have been found in the farthest reaches of space. A mother's birth fluid is identical to the waters of the ocean which gave birth to the first life on Earth. Whatever happens after we die is fair and just, and it happens to all of us, in our turn. This gives me far more comfort than constantly being reminded of death all day every Sunday, and every time we hear a Mormon prayer. Death is the focus of the Mormon church. The temple rituals for dead people are a huge money-maker for LDS, inc. "Forever families" are locked in a death-grip of fear of being punished by the MorGod, for all eternity.

Letting go of Mormonism's false idea of the hereafter has freed me. I can remember my loved ones who have passed on, as I like to remember them. I know they live in my memory. I feel their presence in my forest (there's a group of tall trees, who's canopy forms a dome, which I call "The Cathedral"). I think of them with love, while watching the sun set brilliantly, or the snow fall peacefully. I don't have to know why. I no longer think of unhappy dead souls waiting on benches in the Mormon temple to be "saved", or souls being turned away from a fake CK, because they did something wrong, or some petty detail was overlooked. Christ has already saved us all, and the Mormons have tried to trivialize His Atonement, and tell us that only obedient, perfect Mormons will be saved. I see my family all together, smiling, singing praises, loving each other. The fear is gone!

You are correct about not resigning. The Mormons can not tell God what to do. The Mormon priesthood holders have no power or "authority" over any of us. The church is not real.

I hope the Mormon stalkers leave you and your children alone, to enjoy your family fun, and your unconditional love.

Sorry for what your wife went through and you as well. Hard to lose someone. And she was so hopeful. Sorry that "the church" told her she would get well and be healed. NO ONE knows if that will happen with any illness. Lying to her was mean and harsh to do. I am happy your kids are out too. Wonder how they got over the "forever family" thing. If you ever care to talk about that I for one would be interested.

We all feel for you having had our hopes for spiritual certainty raised and dashed, but nothing like the agony you must have felt hearing your wife given false hope over and over.

Your success with managing your mental state realizing the church promises were not reality--while simultaneously going through a final illness with a loved one--that's something I would like to hear more about.

Untangling children who have lost their mother must also have been quite a challenge.

Many of us can use your help, so thanks for being here and being willing to share your experience.


Anagrammy

Hello and Welcome Flyfisher - We are happy to have you here. I, like other posters am very sorry for all of the pain you and your children went through with your wife's illness and death. You can always find friends here.

Wow you're amazing. You saw right through it didn't you :)

I grew up in Brigham, but have lived in Cache Valley for over 30 years. Most of my family is still in Brigham--including extended.

I am a rank amateur in the ex-mo realm but I found your story to be as genuine as the day is long. Nice to know ya and peace.