I have finally come to terms that this is his deal.
It's not about me.
No matter how I rage and rail, I cannot... Do not have control over his.. stuff.
So.
This is not about me.

If I make ultimatums,
it makes me EXACTLY just like the church/my family/whatever...
So I'm just going to .. chill.
I love him. I adore him.
I just do not understand his need to "explain".
But its not about me.
I'm just... I don't know what I am.
(Besides silently freaking out)....
I could use a few words of encouragement, rfmers.
Thanks....

**** note to self- never try to spell *ambivalent* whilst drunk :( not good ....



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 09/07/2012 10:11PM by ambivalent exmo.

Hugs.
It's not an easy path. There is pain involved. But the inner peace of not violating one's conscience is of great value.
Of being able to look in the mirror and be honest with that person.
It's painful, but it's honest. Honestly, integrity matters. For real.

:)

Good luck! It's always awkward, but just remember that he is trying to do what he thinks is right.

He's like that annoying vacuum salesman that TRULY believes this vacuum will change your life. It's irritating, but you just sit politely through his sales pitch and then either tell him that his vacuum is a piece of $#!+, or you pretend like it's a good vacuum, but you already have a good vacuum yourself.

No matter how you decide to play it, we're rooting for you.
Just remember, we'd rather have you offend him that let yourself feel bad in some way.

So *IF* you need to rip into him & tell him things in a not-so-nice-way, just remember that he is initiating this, not you. So you have the right to respond in a less-than-cordial way if you deem it necessary.

I suspect he knows it.

It's not easy watching someone you love run themselves into a brick wall. At least you'll be there to offer emotional support.

My DH had to remind me to do this when he was leaving and I was not. Breathe!! You would not believe what a few really, really deep breaths can do to calm you. Sometimes I didn't even realize that I was holding my breath until I was reminded to breathe.

Good advice.
I think I have been holding my breath all day......

Everyone deals with things differently.

Maybe you can plan some kind of "special" homecoming for DH for after his traumatic meeting with his bitch-up...

Hmmmm....who will win the man's attention THEN, HUH? HUH?

I'm thinking it will be YOU.

Bitch-up!!!!
Good thing I'm a drunkard this evening...
You are f*cking hilarious! Always make me smile :) rare event these days, thanks !

I think your biggest fear is that your DH will fall victim to the bishop's emotional manipulations. Maybe you have heard horror stories about a bishop turning spouse against spouse. I don't think you need to worry about all that--you and your DH are way beyond that. I admire you two for sticking together!

Your DH probably wishes you had more confidence in his ability to withstand any attacks (subtle or not so subtle) from the bishop. But, I don't blame you for being apprehensive. My own bishop threatened me that I and my children would FAIL in life. He threatened me specifically with financial failure, because of not paying tithing. He also threatened me by saying that GOD HIMSELF would withdraw His blessings from me, and that I would become sicker. (I was ill at the time). When someone claims to have powers from God Almighty, these curses are scary. I cried! But then, I got mad.

I told him, "You can not tell God what to do."

Then I told him, "God is not here. He is not in this church, at all."

Your DH needs to remember that this bishop has no "authority from God" and has no power over your DH or anyone else. Hopefully, your layman bishop is not well trained in manipulative techniques.

DH is a man, and has more power in the church than a woman has, and and he will probably not be provoked to tell off the bishop. However DH needs to be more firm and more clear than he thinks he will need to be. Mormons are taught to never take "no" for an answer, and you have to tell them "no" a hundred times, if necessary.

I agree with you that it is best to not give any explanations or excuses, in the first place. This just weakens your position. "NO" is all the bishop needs to hear.

Please return and report!

forestpal Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
"I think your biggest fear is that your DH will
fall victim to the bishop's emotional manipulations."

Yes........


"Maybe you have heard horror stories
about a bishop turning spouse against spouse."

Yes......


"I don't think you need to worry about all that--you
and your DH are way beyond that. I admire you two
for sticking together!"

I thought so..............
I just don't know anymore..... I'm so fucking tired......

My stake president and bishop have both asked me if I had any questions for them, I told both of them no, I don't. Your DH doesn't have to tell anyone anything he doesn't want to have a discussion about. My stake president was visably annoyed that I wouldn't tell him my issues. I was in complete control of the conversation, I didn't accept any priesthood authority pressure. I didn't intend to get into a discussion about my lack of testimony or the reasons for my issues with the church. He couldn't do anything about it and it's none of his business anyway. Neither of them have wanted to talk to me again, it was so worth staying calm and just saying no, I don't have any questions or comments.

I do not think Mr. understands the gravity of what he is doing :(
I have lived my whole life under the boot of a "man".
My worst fear is that he will go in and apologize for his "hysterical" wife.'s behavior.
I know I cannot divine what he will say, but I'm pretty fucking sure.....
I cannot abide....
I cannot continue with someone who will....
Whatever.
I know I need to chill....
But I'm so Damn ANGRY!!!
ARGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
CALGON TAKE ME AWAY!!!!!!!

I don't have any advice, I just wanted to say good luck, and I'm sorry it makes you nervous/upset.

I hope Mr. surprises you with the best of outcomes, but if not, we are here for you. Best wishes.
-Rob

Understand your anger. Someday I may be in your position when my DH agrees to meet with his Bish under similar circumstances.

I, too, wish you the best of outcomes. We can't control what others say or think about us, but I hope Mr Ambivilent Exmo has your back. And if he doesn't ... just breathe and stand your ground. You know the truth of TSCC, and we're all here for you.

"CALGON TAKE ME AWAY!!!!"

lol

Tell DH that he is free to use the following phrase as needed:

"That's personal, I'd rather not discuss it."



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 09/08/2012 09:37AM by baura.

just leave it alone. forget him, he's nothin. waste of time. if the bishop has an itch he can't scratch why does he need you? just text him this website and mabey his wedgie will come out of his ass.

I hate to see people give into the "authority figures" of the church. Don't give them anymore power. Tell them to leave you alone and respect your decisions and be done with it :)

Something that will make you rise above the bishop...

Your love and genuineness. You have history, integrity, acceptance.

You love him. If all else fails, you know you have done all possible in the face of an evil tide.

You win either way. One comes with more pain, but you have not sold yourself short.

Is it a win???



Edited 5 time(s). Last edit at 09/08/2012 05:08PM by ambivalent exmo.

Hugs to you, ambi. It's totally understandable that you would be freaked out by your husband going to see the bishop, especially on the bishop's own turf. In your original post, you said something very difficult and brave, that it's not about you. That shows that you're a mature person and a good wife. Being that as it may, you're still allowed to freak out.

The Mr. has already resigned, right? And he withstood the attempts of at least one of your family members to re-convert him as well? It's highly likely that he'll leave this meeting with the bishop more firmly committed to the path the two of you are on to live according to your own beliefs and to not be pushed around by the church or anyone else.

I don't blame you for being upset and worried. I think I would feel the same way. But from what you've written in the recent past, the Mr. gets pissed when anyone tries to put you down, and he's emotionally distanced himself from the church already. Once the meeting is over, I predict that an enormous hurdle will be crossed and you and Mr. will be able to go on with your lives.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/08/2012 10:04AM by stbleaving.

Hang in there. Sending hugs your way! I hope everything goes well.

Do something calming for yourself while he is meeting with the bishop, that way you can be calm when he gets home. I also like Xyz's suggestion.

Breathe some more, and I thought of one more thing as well. There's no point in getting worked up about what could happen. I was also thinking that perhaps it would help to have your hubby take notes during his chat, just in case the bishop makes any "valid points". Your hubby could be noncommittal, make a note about it, then just say he will research it and get back to him. That way, you and he can research it together.

Did dh make the appt or is bish calling him in? What is the meeting about? I'd be way nervous if my dh called a meeting with the bishop. I hope all goes well.

I was the one who told the bishop he couldn't home teach us anymore, and it was a very empowering experience (probably moreso because I'm a woman, and we aren't usually the ones to call the shots for the family in the church).

He tried several ways to talk me out of this, including guilt and testimony. I shut him right down on every one of them. It was a great experience that taught me that I could respond directly to him and that he had no power. He never bothered us again after that.

Maybe your husband just needs to face the bishop and tell him what's what and settle it for once and all.

Thanks so much for the good advice.
Not freaking out so much today..... Just gonna roll with it..

Sometime after I quit believing I met with the bishop to discuss it. At the time my plan was to be NOM. He was so assholy about it that it pushed me out the door.

I also met with a member of the stake presidency. He was very kind and loving. However, everything he had to say was really dumb. One comment I made was that I believed the Old Testament was clearly mythology and he spent 10 minutes trying to convince me that the city of Jericho falling down was historic fact, lol.

Don't worry. There is nothing impressive they can say that will change your hubby's mind. Most likely it was just help to verify his resolve when he hears their empty and possibly offensive responses.