I am not sure how to explain this. This really isn't an exit-story, because I haven't gone to church, except for a couple of times to impress a girl friend since high school, for decades. I don't know where it fits.

The first couple of times I posted, I posted as 'nevermo'. I apologize for that. Quite frankly, I am scared to death to self-identify as an 'exmorg' for reasons that are not clear to me.

My history with the morg is long, and, to me, very complicated. I can't remember, because my PTSD has blanked out a significant portion of my long term memory of the period.

One of my sibs and I were talking about this and she said she remembers us being baptized. This scared the hell out of me.

The morg followed me around for most of my life, (including to Australia where I went to school) until I got married the second time, (In "Dr. Love's Chapel of Love" at Lake Tahoe, I highly recommend it. I think you can even get an Elvis impersonator.), to an Asian woman.

I don't know where this part goes, but the morg went after my mother in the '90's who was a very devout Christian. The people who they sent to pound on her were her friends, friends all of us in the family knew were morg. They started in talking to her about food storage, of all things, and tried to go from there. My mom was polite, but pointed out we lived on a farm and could be 100% self-sufficient without buying a big bag of wheat.

Now that I am retired and realizing I want to face a lot of stuff I have put off for a long time. The morg is one of those things. I have no idea how to do that. Every memory, every time I think about it, I get this uncomfortable feeling in my gut and have a panic attack. Right now, I feel like I am going puke.

I don't know if I should love or hate Mitt Romney for this. He triggered this. I love to intellectualize things and I tried to speak out about Mitt in a purely intellectual manner. It didn't work. So, I thought I would check out the exmo boards and see if I could, intellectually, figure out why people join and stay in the lds.

And, bam, it set off this bomb. I am really embarrassed to admit anything about this.

So, I showed up here and have been watching and commenting, (if there is one thing I have a deplorable excess of is opinions and an eidetic memory).

Right now, my biggest fear is of rejection...



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/08/2012 12:45PM by John_Lyle.

You shouldn't fear rejection on this board. Most people here are very accepting and not judgmental. Every one here has a different story and all have been affected by Mormonism in some way. It is clear that you have been affected by it greatly, even though your story is not typical. Welcome and I hope you find support here and are able to move on.

I'm sorry you're hurting so much. Just go slow--a bit at a time. Bring a little out, talk it over, get some perspective. One of the best things you can do when you deal with difficult memories is to remind yourself you exist here and now, not when the traumatic events happened.

The are a number of ways to do it:

Moderate exercise

A drink of water

A little bit of food--something healthy

Talking with a friend

Holding hands

One exercise I've found helpful is to deliberately describe five things I see, five things I hear, and five sensations I am experiencing. Then do the same for four of each, three of each, two of each, and then one. If you don't feel calmer, start again at five.

Other people will have other ideas.

I'm glad you're talking. It reduces shame. Trauma causes us shame because by definition something traumatic is something that made us feel helpless and unable--and that often causes shame and rage.

If you support groups available in your town, you might consider it. If you were the victim of a crime, you may be able to get counseling at no cost through a victim witness program.

We're all well-aware of how much the Morg can really mess with your head.

Welcome. I found this board 38 years after leaving the church.

When I left it was such a relief to realize the church was not true that I just rushed out into the world and began my life. It was good. There were a few uncomfortable visits a year with the TBM family, but other than that I was very live and let live with the whole mormon thing.

Perhaps much like you,about 37 years later, all of the buried anger began to surface and this board and a few good books let it all out in a healthy way. It is a good to dissect and defang the TSCC.

If this place makes you feel better, just stay and participate. There are a lot of beautiful people here and they will know what you are talking about.

QUOTE:

"One of my sibs and I were talking about this and she said she remembers us being baptized. This scared the hell out of me."

not making light of your plight, but if baptism scared you then thank goodness you did not go through the temple endowment pre 1990.

Best wishes.

Imagine you are living in the future, in the universe of Star Trek. You are on board the Enterprise when you look outside a "porthole" and see the darkened row of theater seats.

You aren't a yeoman serving the Federation, you are an ACTOR!
You haven't been going where no man has gone before, you have been moving around under flashing lights on a SET!

There is no Federation and Captain Kirk is a phony. Dr. Spock has normal ears and he's telling you it is reasonable to keep pretending that it's all real, because they are all making millions and some people like the series so much they have conventions.

You are stunned.

How did you ever come to believe it. You don't know who you really are because all you can remember is being who you are pretending to be.

Learning the truth about Mormonism is so shocking that the subconscious mind protects you against it. It is less shocking to learn that your mate has been cheating on you. Why? Because you always knew that could happen. Unlike the gospel being untrue.

The only paradigm more devastating to who YOU are as a person is to learn that you've been switched at birth and have a twin living in Australia with your real parents.

I was a convert and was a devout Mormon for fifteen years. When I learned the truth I was nauseated and could not eat for days. I developed a rash and seriously doubted my own sanity. Was I crazy then or crazy now? It was awful.

The first good decision I made was to tell my children what I had learned as simply as possible and what it meant to their lives. "I found out the church isn't true after all, so you don't have to go anymore if you don't want to."

Some of the older ones wanted to know what I found out and I told them. "Jesus taught this, Jesus taught that, when I asked the bishop why the church teaches differently than Jesus, he told me the prophet's words are more important. We all know that isn't true."

Keeping it simple is what keeps it manageable. There is nothing wrong with your reaction, it is perfectly normal. Your paradigm changed--how could you not feel disoriented or confused?

Robertb is giving you great advice here on anchoring yourself in the now. If you have a chance, pick up Eckhart Tolle's book "The Power of Now." I have a very painful past and I have learned some tools to help me anchor myself to my wonderful NOW.

I close my eyes and say the word "here" calmly.
I feel first the breath going in and out of my nose and I take slower deeper breaths feeling how completely and painlessly my lungs fill up.
I am grateful for my good health.
Then I play the game of how many things I can figure out about "here"
The temperature
How many people in my immediate vicinity
Do I have pain anywhere
What is that pain
Who is in my guesthouse (that's a visual for what transient feelings I must entertain today)

I do not think about plans for later or tonight. Just the glory of NOW, to inhale it and let it fill all my senses. To be truly and completely alive.

And then, on top of all that gloriousness, I open my eyes and

I CAN SEE! The colors, not naming them but FEELING them. I raise my arms to drink it all in (or just do so mentally if I am waiting in line somewhere).

You get the idea. What happened in the past was an important part of who you are today. Discovering who and what you really are and who/what you really believe is the most exciting journey you will ever take. People have traveled around the globe in hopes of unraveling that mystery. You have a tremendous head start because now you can push off from something solid.

You know who you are NOT and you named it.

Hugs and stay with us, we understand and we care.

Anagrammy

It's absolutely bizarre how the Mormon church follows members around and pesters them relentlessly. If they did that to me, it would have driven me crazy a long time ago. I strongly value my privacy.

You have many fellow exmos here who understand.

Thanks, everyone, I really appreciate your thoughts and outreach.

I will try to follow some of your advice. I just realized I haven't eaten anything but toast for over a week...

Thanks, Anagrammy, I love your analogy. It fits very well into my situation.

I hope to be able to talk more about this in the future and it is great to have someplace to talk about it.

Right now, I am getting this feeling like I shouldn't have let those assholes follow me around and I wish I could have been more objective...

Thanks

John, I had very similar strong feelings after being away from the church for many years. It was set off by my ex suddenly deciding my 12 yo daughter needed to start being active in the church. And she went along with it. I was literally thrown into panic and depression. All those feelings of inadequacy and fear. Gut wrenching nausea. I hate the church and I hate that they have their clutches on my daughter. But for many years I sort of shoved it aside and lived my life. I guess what I am trying to tell you, is your feelings are real and valid and that hanging out here and seeing the similarities in the stories of other exmo's has really helped.