The election has poked at a lot of fresh wounds regarding my leaving the church and my parents' reactions to it. Recently, I watched a video of Romney looking a Vietnam veteran in the eye and telling him that he doesn't deserve the same rights because he's gay. The closed-mindedness and lack of empathy were appalling.

It stirred up a lot of painful memories for me.

When I was younger, I confessed to my parents that I'd fallen in love with another girl. They gave me a prietshood blessing to cure me of my "illness", and they never spoke of it again. My father once told me that the LGBT community was on par with pedophiles, and that church members had a moral obligation to listen to their leaders and organize anti-gay movements in their communities. "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" hangs by the dining room table, and I'm still forced to see it everyday.

Any discussions I've had with my mother about the topic usually end with her sobbing. When I admitted that that priesthood blessing from years ago hadn't eliminated all of my "tendencies", she began to cry and made it sound like I had betrayed her somehow. Any attempts to get to her to see reason, to understand why it's not okay to use religious belief to legislate the rights of others, end with her accusing me of breaking our family, and rejecting the notion that I sought her out as my mother during the pre-existence. She's also repeatedly bore her testimony that my destiny is to marry a good provider and bring lots of spirit children in this world. ("If I could shoot myself in the head to prove it to you, I would", she'd say.)

I understand where my parents are coming from, but they are incapable of understanding my perspective or empathizing with me. They want to shove me back into the TBM box I crawled out of, so I can go back to the safe "Mormon daughter" role they've carved out for me.

It recently occurred to me that my mom and dad have no clue of how to be parents outside of the boundaries established by their church. Once I started becoming my own person, my previously sweet parents became volatile, unpredictable, and downright abusive. We have little in common anymore. When I think of the decades ahead, of what my life will become as I try to pass the milestones of adulthood, my heart sinks. Of course, I do have good days, sometimes great days, when I'm so glad that I don't subject myself to patriarchal authority anymore.

But then there are times like now when it all seems pretty bleak. If I hadn't been raised with the insistence that my greatest purpose in life was to be a baby-maker, I might have been a little more ambitious with my education. And yet now that I'm trying to forge my own path, I'm weighed with the knowledge that I will always be a huge disappointed to my parents, and that they are seemingly incapable of even *wanting* to empathize with me or others who are different from them. The church trumps everything, even love.

I'll be glad when this election is over. Hearing my parents talk about how Romney's actions as a political candidate are obviously inspired by god makes my stomach turn, and reminds me why I'm in the process of trying to move as far away from them as possible.

I'm sorry faboo :(

It hurts a lot when you are more of a role than a person to your parents. Good luck on continuing to distance yourself from them.

I'm also sorry for you, Faboo. Many of my GLBT friends have shared with me similar stories.

Both the LDS and Fundie BACs are guilty of this irrational hatred.

This has got to stop!

Wow, this is really heartbreaking.

When I read stories like yours, I am glad for all the times I've held my tongue as a parent. I don't have a child who is gay (yet), but I do have a son who chose to get married outside the temple. I told him my thoughts on that, and then shut my mouth. No nagging, just acceptance and help. I didn't want to alienate him and his new wife. Now I look at it from a new perspective.

It's never too late to seek a good education, never! Perhaps you can try to add to the thoughts you've posted above, and when you are able to leave home physically, you can send them the things you have written. I have seen people over and over try to gain acceptance and love from a place it is not going to come. It seems as though your parents are not willing and ready to listen.

You need their unconditional love, but perhaps right now, they are not willing to give it. Maybe, at some point, they will. It's difficult and hurtful to accept that, but not as harmful as repeatedly trying to create it where it does not exist. I hope they can come to love you as you really are. Your words are powerful, and maybe it will touch them.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/12/2012 10:00PM by cl2.

I wish to he!! I could adopt you!
I'd be proud of you!

Of course I'm a misfit too, and was a huge disappointment to my mother. To her the only important thing about a woman was her looks, and well, let's just say I never was important! :-\

NO, not it the creepy way!

I've got dozens of Nieces and Nephews and precious few have managed to escape the clutches of the cult. I'd love to have lunch with you at a family reunion and ask about your grades and your hopes and your dreams. Then I'd encourage you to follow those dreams and enjoy every minute of the journey. Then I'd slip a twenty into your hand and tell you to buy a book with it. Any book you want and if you need more for college books when you enroll at the university then give me a call.

Never give up, never surrender! (Galaxy quest fans?)

Your parents may yet come around. Give them time and maybe some space. They are victims of the cult just like you are.

Good luck,

Uncle Koriwhoremonger

Quoting galaxy question is 3rd only in awesome nerdiness to quoting The Holy Grail & Princess Bride.

Hope you like loves, snuggles and dogbreath kisses... my mom, she says the loves make up for the dogbreath.

It do stink when the folks who are 'sposed to do the unconditional love thing prove they don't have a clue about how to do it. Ain't nuthin you can do short of shooting 'em with a clue gun, so ya gotta blow 'em off.

Do NOT let their negativity stuff into your sense of YOU! They are sad, negative, cringing people, afraid to do anything without approval from the mo-church. You however, are free, free like a beautiful she-wolf in the moonlight. The world is yours.

(She-wolves are HOT!!)

You know, Faboo, when you said that your father thinks that the LGBT community is on a par with pedophiles, all I could think was: "Why no it isn't! The LDS church LIKES pedophiles! They cover up for them and give them callings and don't report them to law enforcement! They ENABLE pedophiles!"



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/12/2012 11:06PM by Doxi.

in terms of how TBM parents treat their apostate children. They were brainwashed this way, it is against nature.

Nothing you can do about them, but you can do a lot for yourself going forward. THE most important is to really start looking to YOURSELF for respect and rewarding yourself for your efforts. After all, you are the only one who completely knows you and what you've been through. Even if you explained it to a friend, or here on RfM, we still wouldn't even come close to knowing you.

A time or two I tried to explain my inner thought process behind why I did this or that and the next day, I realized that the person I was talking to wasn't even listening. They missed the whole point. Like the time I described a beautiful card I sent my sister shortly after she kicked me out of her life. It was loving, but when she called me to complain about my abusive letter, she read it with a sarcastic tone, having misunderstood every single line.

My daughter said, "Oh, you're just mad because she ignored your Hallmark card. Did you honestly think that would fix things?"

It was a double lesson for me, but the point is that only you know the many details of your good intent behind something you did years ago, only you know you were planning on visiting grandma the day she passed away and how that made you feel guilty for years...etc.

A fresh breeze blew through my mind when I started setting up Fun Days for myself. I would buy the foods I liked the best, find that Sci-Fi movie that absolutely no one else is interested in seeing, and I would finish off the day with a trip to the thrift store. Before I read Julia Cameron's book "The Artist's Way," it never occurred to me to plan a whole day just to delight nobody but me, and to go for a fun activity day all by myself.

Without knowing it, I had made everyone a priority in my mind but me! I urge you to start treating yourself like the wonderful person you obviously are-- brave and caring, authentic and sincere. You have chosen a path of integrity like Sir Thomas More -- rent the movie and you will see that you are noble, like he was.

I would consider it an honor to have you for a friend.

Anagrammy

As always, amazing!

I too realized that somehow the mormon culture made me totally self-sacrificing. I still struggle with it, but at least I'm on my own priority list now.

P.S. if I ever meet you, we'll have to watch some obscure Sci Fi movie together, lol.

When your parents show disappointment, disapproval and want you to feel guilty because you make them feel like they have failed, you need to show them unconditional love, and give yourself some while you are at it.

Make your own great life and then invite your parents to share it.

Do not go to their world, bring them to yours. Their views are not appropriate building blocks for your future.

You cannot change who they are, but you can learn to roll your eyes, laugh to yourself, and say "Oh boy, here we go again. Can't wait to tell the gang about this one."

I have always seen strength in your posts.

Doxi is right! My brother is a pedophile, and is revered in his ward as a big tithe-payer, and he bears his testimony every fast Sunday without fail. He's single, and Mormon families invite him over for Sunday dinner, Christmas, Thanksgiving. He writes me letters about their daughters, which I tear up. I used to try to warn people, but it just backfired. Our neighborhood ward has a pedophile teaching primary right now. When it was our children, some TBM friends and I convinced our bishop to release the pedophile, because he was physically spanking the children. But, as soon as the bishopric changed, the pedophile was teaching again.

Faboo, if I could wish away your sadness, I could. I hope you understand that your parents' prejudices have nothing to do with you as a person. Yet, family is intensely personal. I tried for a lifetime to forgive the brother who beat me, forgive my parents who allowed him to beat me, and who beat me, also. I tried to forget the name-calling and cursing, and forgive it, as Mormons are taught to forgive. My parents were not hurt, and I never gave them any trouble, and I married the returned missionary of their choice, in the temple. But, my temple ex-husband beat me. I left the hospital, and left him, and ran away in fear of him, and began a new life. Being a divorcee was almost as big a stigma as being gay. We were both reviled for something we could not change. Even now, after two divorces (my second TBM husband left me for another woman) my parents are on my back to get married again. I could no more have sex with a man, than you could.

Mormons, by decree, according to a talk by Russel M. Nelson, and according to their teachings about Christ's Atonement, do not believe in unconditional love. Probably the most perfect, straight, married mother of 12 doesn't have the love of her perfectionistic Mormon parents.

Go live your life! You are correct, that you will probably have to keep your parents at a distance. I went through a lot of agony trying to get my parents' approval, before I finally realized it was impossible. I never even hoped for love.

There is love in the world outside of Mormonism. You probably already have wonderful friends, and will have more in the future!

Hugs!

I'm sorry. It's a sucky situation.

The best I have is to try to remember that your parents aren't trying to shove you into the TBM box, they are trying to pull you back into their "safe place" with them.

The end result is the same... but it might help you feel less bad about what they are doing.

Do your best to find a pleasant group of accepting friends, because you will need validation throughout your life, and it sounds unlikely that it will end up coming from your parents.

Even if it doesn't, try to at least stay in touch with them... and over time they will get used to it and accept it... but you should plan on a different source of validation.

Good luck. We'll be here to cheer you on!
-Rob

One day all of our parents will realize the mistakes they have made, myself included. Judgement has no place in our lives but it's what we do because we are human. I know it sounds strange to say, but I will say it anyway: Love your Parents!

All you can do is believe in yourself and overlook your parents lack of intelligence. It all boils down to this, they have been brainwashed. It's about what they have been taught and nothing to do with you. Hopefully, underneath everything there is still love.

Being Gay is not a choice. Your parents don't know this. They might never understand you. But, you can love them anyway. It is the only answer and will be the only way to bring about changes in their hearts. This is where the real thinking takes place~

My parents hated the fact I joined the LDS church years ago. I was excluded from everything and treated like a religious fanatic, in fact I was a religious fanatic. I couldn't understand why they disliked the LDS people so much? Now I know.

People change, good & bad.

All you can do is work on being happy.
Don't try to change anyone.
Accept everything the way it is.
Love your parents.
Love your life.
Don't let anyone make you feel less than important.
You can be sad today, just today :)

You know what, faboo? Just feel good about yourself. And understand that your parents are idiots because of that damn cult they too were exposed to. There are a bunch of us out here that care, so never forget that.

Faboo - It might help you if you had an older person with some of life's perspectives to talk with. As I read your post, I felt your loneliness. If you would like to speak to a friend who knows how to listen and who understands you better than you may think, please let me know and I'll provide you with contact information. In the meantime, try to remember that things do get better. It takes a lot of courage to swim against the tide. Don't beat yourself up over having courage. Lots and lots of courage.

Faboo, if it's any consolation, I have known a few people of other fundamentalist faiths who eventually came around to accepting their gay children's sexuality and are now even close to their kids' spouses/partners, proud grandparents of their gay children's kids.... It can and does happen. I realize that doesn't help your situation at the moment, but I'm trying to say that just because your parents don't accept you now doesn't mean things will always be that way.