Posted by:
Dallin A. Chokes
(
)
Date: September 25, 2012 03:10PM
It's tough--I'm on year two of my wife knowing about my apostasy, and the kids have heard us fight. Because of Mormonism's all-pervading nature, even simple things become tinged with blame because of my "bad decisions" (i.e., even though something may go wrong that's COMPLETELY unrelated to the church, it gets connected somehow).
I really appreciate what nomo_1 says about not letting the Church define your feelings towards your children. You love them because you are their father, not because of the Priesthood or your "eternal family" ties (which my wife still prays for, by the way), or anything else.
I still get hung up on how much I'll participate--I attend church to support the wife, but it's both a physical and metaphorical pain in the neck. I participate in Family Home Evening, but I try to make it about family, not about the church. Maybe I'm hurting my children and their future by not being more open about the whole thing, but I suppose I sort of am being held hostage by Mormondom--I feel like if I DON'T show that support for my wife, it will be over very, very soon. And that is most definitely something I don't want.
I don't pray, but if I were to pray, I would pray to non-existent-God that something earth-shattering would happen to the church that would snap my wife and family out of it. I do not have a testimony that this will happen any time soon.
I love coming on RfM to hear the scuttlebutt about the church, and I know we all get lathered up to hear what potential black mark is coming the church's way, but they are so crafty at managing the members--they will almost NEVER look at something not church approved. The will ALWAYS perceive criticism as persecution. I think I've always had niggling questions at the back of my mind, and it wasn't until I felt beat down by "sin" that I finally began to wonder if it wasn't all just a giant crock of shit. And it is. I know people often talk on the board about protesting, etc., and it was a Joseph Lied sign that made me finally look up that website--and after a whirlwind tour of the internet, I'm here daily. It's almost an addiction, but it's also a lifeline. I lived a life of secrecy and shame because of "sin", but now I live a life of secrecy as a non-believer trapped in the costume of a believer.
It's miserable, really, but I feel better knowing that it's a sham than plodding along, wondering what's wrong with me. Sorry for the word diarrhea and for ranting on your thread. I just feel like I'm something of a kindred spirit on this journey.