Posted by:
hey, I'm anon on this also!
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Date: November 01, 2012 01:19AM
Preface. Married 31 yrs. No infidelity, but lots of issues due to mismatched sex drives. Nothing else to cause trouble between us. Literally nothing. We both left the church about the time that we married.
I was certain that we'd divorce. At least 10 yrs ago I mapped out the schedule based on when our youngest child graduated from high school. The main thing that changed was that my sex drive waned a bit a few years ago.
I was philosophically ok with her having her own sexuality a long long time ago, but that doesn't change the gut response of being rejected constantly. I learned that her clock is that she'll be receptive and even quite into it 1-2 times a month. Nothing can change that. I'm a very empathetic lover. I love her orgasm. She orgasms more than once, usually 3-4 times per session. I love incorporating a vibrator into our sessions.
She has gone along with adventuresome events. We've gone to swing clubs; not swung. We've done strip clubs and their VIP rooms. Her clock never changes.
Now I wait for her to initiate. There's really no point in me trying. I've told her. It works ok. I'm still disappointed often, but the anger and angst is less than it used to be. I now expect us to stay married, but even with all this hard-won perspective I am disappointed and feel rejected multiple times per month.
The big error was that even though we were on our way out of the church, we married without having had a sexual relationship prior to marriage. It's hard to know and difficult to say whether we would have gone separate ways if we knew of this disconnect prior to marrying; especially since we are extremely compatible in virtually every other way.
I must confess that I consider the promises made in marriage to be cultural baggage that in reality don't mean nearly as much as many people profess. It's a nice fantasy, and in some cases works out to be a nice reality. But obviously, it doesn't work perfectly for the vast majority of couples. And I get that it isn't supposed to be a perfect fantasy love story; it takes hard work; I get it; I've lived it.
But this oppobrium heaped on the OP is imho bullshit. I don't think he made a mistake. I don't think he was the first one to break the illusory promise made in his marriage. HER promise implied that she would be his MATE and companion, including a vibrant sexual partner. For whatever reason, she doesn't or can't live up to that, but HE is enslaved to her sexless life by a silly ceremony he took part in decades ago. BS, I say.
I've never cheated, but I've wanted to many times. I have no great noble reason why I didn't. It isn't because I'm morally superior. I applaud the OP for having a good roll in the hay with a young willing FUN partner, and I say don't tell; UNLESS you did get a disease. In that case you're hosed. And I would have no issue with you or anyone doing it again. This is what your spouse has put on you. She can look in the mirror for who is the most responsible for this. And to those who say more counselling and more effort to connect and more supplicating to the alter of her vagina is necessary, I say BS! I've been there and done that, and no truer words were spoken than, "the heart wants what it wants"; for both sides of the equation. And you judgemental moralists need to MIND YOUR OWN DAMN BUSINESS!
Amen...