I really need this to happen. I've tried different ways to engage her in a little talk, specifically helpful bits of naughty talk, while we have sex.

She says talk during sex is outright silly. I don't want her to talk about the weather or for her to say things that are dumb or gross. I'd just like some help, kind of foreplay during sex, a little urging on, if that makes sense.

Am I perv for wanting this?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/11/2012 06:06PM by Susan I/S.

No you're not a perv. I too like dirty talk during the deed.

Unfortunately I have no advice on how to get her to do it. Some people just feel plain uncomfortable saying things..

Just keep saying, "Yeah, you like that. I'm gonna smack that ass." Eventually she'll say something.

Thanks for the responses. I'm a semi-regular on this board, so I'm not some weirdo posting here for jollies. I know this board is supportive of those of us who have left the church, and now that I'm out there are things I recognize that I want, or maybe I'm just changing.

I've tried to prompt her with things like "Is this position good for you?" Stuff like that. She goes with the shortest possible answers like she's concentrating hard on something. Which I get, but I'd love her to loosen up verbally a little. I think it would help us in bed.

She wouldn't like me to smack her on the butt or to talk foul and gross.

How do you keep talk during sex rated R but not XXX?

"She wouldn't like me to smack her on the butt or to talk foul and gross."

You'd be surprised at how many freaks roam amongst us. Ah yeah.

maybe not "smack dat ass." but i agree, if you are interested in it, keep talking. she'll probably respond to something sooner or later. stands to reason...

on the other hand, if she doesn't, then i would talk about it with her WHEN YOU AREN'T BEING INTIMATE.

i have found that it is unhelpful to talk about sex while doing it (in terms of communicating a deep need or want which can sometimes be misconstrued as criticism--obviously you are probably saying something during sex, right? like, i need more lube or whatever).

anyway, good luck. these things take time. don't give up on it and don't hang everything on it either.

Some people just don't like talking during sex. Sorry.

Nope, not a perv. Have you tried asking questions rather than just saying sexy things. Like "do you want my x? Where" or "how much" Or get close to doing something you know she likes and ask her what she wants you to do. It might be awkward at first, maybe even yes/no questions to start out with. Eventually, slowly, you might be able to make her more comfortable with sexy chat during sexy time.

That's what I was thinking. We've never talked before during sex. Frankly I think complete silence makes the act seem cold and mechanical, like we are just trying to get our business out of the way as soon as possible.

I thought by introducing a little talk, practicing some prompts, asking questions as you say, that she might see that it's harmless and fun and adds to the proceedings.

Even the small things she says during, when I've gotten her to talk, have turned me on incredibly. If that recognition could open up for her too then, wow!

A conversation outside of sex makes a lot of sense. Lots of great advice! Thanks!

I used to get turned on when the guy talked but the idea of dirty talk on my own was just way too awkward. I couldn' imagine those things coming out of my mouth. To he frank, they still don't spill from my mouth freely, but I'm always happy to participate if the ice is broken via questions and that sort of thing.

Everyone is different, so I can't speak for your wife, but having a conversation ahead of time would cause me anxiety during sex. I'd feel pressure, I wouldn't be able to say anything. It would just make it seem like a chore.

You might consider some light question/response type things and then ask her after how she felt about that, if she enjoyed it.

It's so hard to do this sensitively and successfully. A conversation beforehand could maybe go wrong. :/

I guess one idea is to just say the things, including questions, that I'm comfortable with, and if she wants to come along in the conversation, then great, and if not, then that'll just be what it is too.

It might take a while of you doing the talking for her to feel comfortable replying. Could be a long time, but eventually she might put her toe in the water.

I know in my experience in the past, I'd think things and have this inner dialogue like "SAY IT JUST SAY IT!!!!" silence "SAY IT" but my mouth would not get on board with the plan my mind had. Eventually though, I'd feel more comfortable with replies, and then it went from there.

Annony Wrote:
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> Even the small things she says during, when I've
> gotten her to talk, have turned me on incredibly.

Have you told her that? I mean... you aren't just assuming she knows this but have you told her how sexy she is when she does that?

Trying to pressure your wife to do something she doesn't want want to do or is uncomfortable doing sexually will lead nowhere good.

Trust me - you won't like the end of that road.

Don't do what I did and make these types of mistakes early in your relationship and spend years trying to undo the consequences you don't want.

The best things you can attempt to do are:
1) Not when you are having sex try to find out what she does and does not like. Do this in a setting where it is not tense and she doesn't feel attacked. Don't be attacking - don't push if she is uncomfortable. Just explain that you don't know what she likes and what doesn't work. Maybe all you can do is ask yes or no questions.

2) If you are not using a good quality lube for foreplay get one. Astroglide works well and is widely available. You can buy it at Walmart for example.

3) For a woman being turned on and enjoying sex is 80% in her mind. Good foreplay is about making love to her mind - or having hot sex with her mind - whatever you are after it's mostly about what is going on mentally and a lot less about what is going on physically. If you want her turned on here are the keys (you only have so much control over many of these):
- She needs to feel relaxed and not stressed. If something is bugging or upsetting her she will have a difficult time getting into sex. Most men can be more compartmentalized and if sex is an option you can just forget about everything else and go for it. For a woman this can certainly be done but it is less automatic. Help her be relaxed. Help her get things off her mind, etc.

- She needs to feel sexy. This is different than she needs to feel like you think she is sexy (which helps). If she is feeling fat or unattractive or whatever she is going to have a hard time getting into it. The real secret of lingerie is not so much that it turns the guy on but it makes the woman feel sexy (if it is the right kind of lingerie.)

- She needs to feel comfortable in the situation. If she is feeling pressured or uncomfortable it isn't going to work well. If you can make her feel safe and comfortable then the wildness will start to come out.

- She needs to feel attracted to you. This so much about physical as feeling warm feelings towards you and looking up to you. Something like doing the dishes or taking care of the kids can go a long ways in this area.

- She needs to feel like your world revolves around her - at least at this minute.

- She needs to feel an emotional attachment to you.

A woman can have sex and even enjoy sex without these things. However, if you want to have great sex and have her responsive in foreplay and in sex those are the things to focus on.

4) Talk with your wife and find things in bed that you BOTH would like and enjoy. If she's not up for something find things that also interest and excite her.

5) Never spring something on her you want to do in the middle of sex that you aren't 100% confident she will be up for. Make sure she is game for it ahead of time. (For some women this isn't an issue - but you also know ahead of time that it's 100% cool to spring stuff on them - with your wife it sounds like it wouldn't be that way at all.)



Edited 6 time(s). Last edit at 11/11/2012 06:17PM by bc.

Why is lube always the answer, or part of the answer. I'm a woman and I hate lube. Lube would not make me more inclined to be vocal in bed. I doubt it do much for anon's wife, either.

Good point.

Well I may be reading into and projecting a little in what is being said in the initial thread, but here's what I'm picturing:

Him rubbing around and her not really getting turned on. He's fiddling but she's not giving any feedback so he has no idea what he's supposed to do that works for her and he feels incompetent.

Since it's not working for either of them she dries up or stays dry and it just goes from bad to worse. Using a crappy lube like KY just makes this worse.

If she is already turned on and he knows what he's doing, I agree, a lube would just get in the way. Yes, it's not a catch all solution, but when I hear "I don't know how to get her turned on during foreplay" lack of lubrication can be a big factor - I can tell you from firsthand experience it can be a game changer. Actually once you get more experienced and know what to do and what works a lube gets to be a lot less important.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/11/2012 06:11PM by bc.

But it doesn't sound like he doesn't know how to get her turned on, it sounds like he wants her to share in what gets him going. It's probably something that's awkward to her. I replied above about being a bit of an inhibited type and the idea of just freely engaging in dirty talk just... I couldn't. I just couldn't. Even though dirty talk from a man was sexy to me. It's just not something I could do. I think that's the problem, not that he's not turning her on, but that he has needs he's having trouble expressing and getting her on board with. The only lube that would help would be vocal :-D

Fair enough - as I go back and reread I misread it I think.

I do that all the time :-D

lube is no good. natural is the only way to go and at least for us if I do my job moisture is not a problem.

It doesn't make you a perv, but it also doesn't make her wrong for not wanting to if it's a turn off to her. Sorta like if she said she really wanted you to dress up like Barbara Bush for sex, but that made you feel ridiculous and unsexy. Might just not be her cup of tea.

That's a good point.

If she does not like it, forcing her, being demanding, or always making it an issue could cause resentment and lack of interest in having sex at all.

I totally agree that forcing anything or insisting on talk would go nowhere fast.

Thank you for the long thoughtful post filled with ideas bc.

Constantly trying different things to get what you want can be as big of a problem as forcing her.

Do you ever tell her, "You feel so good" during sex?

Yes, that's one of my go-to lines: "This feels good." "You feel so good." "Does this feel good to you too?"

I'm having trouble thinking of questions or talk beyond that that aren't too pressuring or gross.

I think she and I need talk that is less outright filthy and more along the lines of "Oh yeah." Even stuff like "Give it to me" and "Harder, faster" might be to much. I'm not sure.

when my wife says harder, harder, harder, or faster, faster and harder, I love it! sometime I go slow and "gentle" because I know it will get her to say those things.

That's one of my favorite lines for the hubby...it makes him go crazy, which I like..

Annony Wrote:
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> Yes, that's one of my go-to lines: "This feels
> good." "You feel so good." "Does this feel good
> to you too?"
>
> I'm having trouble thinking of questions or talk
> beyond that that aren't too pressuring or gross.

Try being more specific. "I really like the feel of your hands on my chest" or "your hair is so soft" or whatever. Maybe some gentle prodding in the form of "Do you like it when I do this?" if she isn't spontaneously forthcoming. Or make it playful: "Better 1; better 2?" or teasing: "I'm staying hear at your neck until you ask for something else." (And stick to it. Obviously, make sure you're already past the point of no return before this tactic, or her resistance to speech will just end things.)

Wait for that level of response before going into anything dirtier (like dirty words, or even asking her for assertions like "tell me how you want it").

And don't forget to include her verbalizations in all that. If she says (or asks for something) you like, tell her how much you like her doing so, the same way you would if she scratched your back in just the right place.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/11/2012 08:00PM by schmendrick.

it sounds like he is bored and wants to take it up a notch. maybe but her something kinky to wear and go from there.

That's a good place to start.

It helps to remember that sex is actually play.
It is supposed to be play-full.

Role playing might loosen things up.

You might have read about the couples who liven things up by scheduling a night where they meet after work somewhere and he flirts with his wife like they don't know each other--ideally in the bar, but if she is TBM, then just pretend it's a first date and you met on the internet.

You might even create a fun phoney facebook page and request she friend you... It all depends on your personality. You can go whole hog and make it absolutely hilarious and do your whole profile like you are a nerd, wear nerd clothes, etc. Or a vampire.

What I'm saying is, you have to be playful first because she isn't going to take the lead on this. You are working with years of repressing normal urges. If you get her laughing and feeling sexy, you can have maybe a date to Victoria's Secret.

One of my daughters once did a Treasure Hunt for Valentines day, leading her long-time boyfriend to all the key places of their romance. This would be incredibly romantic to any woman--yes, it takes time and money, but then so does porn so why not put the effort into sparking up the marriage?

Best

Anagrammy



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/11/2012 09:14PM by Susan I/S.

I knew this community wouldn't let me down. So many good ideas, reasonable cautions, and advice. Nice post Anagrammy. I'm going to try the ripped pants line on her sometime. I've never used the male "c" word with her before.

God Mormonism sucks.

Annony Wrote:
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I've never used the
> male "c" word with her before.
>
>

This kind of makes me think of experience with 2 exes. One (who was oddly otherwise seriously repressed) asked me, during sex, what I liked my... parts called. I'm not repressed in other ways, but when it comes to saying certain words or talk, I was pretty repressed. So I was like "what do you mean... what do you like to call it..." So it turns out that he liked the P word. Ok, but he wanted me to repeat it like "yes, here is my P" and I felt it was only right to ask him, and he was specifically in favor of the"c" word for his, and repeated it several times and liked me to say it. This similar situation played out with another ex as well. Just telling you as an anecdote, I would not suggest this conversation. It's still as awkward to day to me as it was all those years ago.

Normal, in the heat of passion, sexy talk is fine. But that line of dialogue was uncomfortable for me.

Hi there, just a thought on the lube, if you want to use something natural get some coconut oil from the health foods store. You can use it for body rubs (which are a good opportunity for sexy conversation, like how beautiful she is, how soft her skin is etc) and you can use it for intimate lube as well. It's better than petroleum products, which aren't a good thing to be slathering inside a woman's body, and doesn't evaporate like water based ones.

2 cents ;)

You don't get enough talk about baseball ?

one last idea to spice things up, go find a secluded place to go and get it on. nothing hotter than doing it at the end of a empty street.

I'm not suggesting populated areas you can get caught but that might be fun to come to think of it!

Are you both ex-mormons? How indoctrinated were you re: sex.

It's likely difficult to undo all that "guilting".

In my opinion, the worst thing in the world is a handbook approach to sex. Like Anagrammy said, "It's play!" And everyone plays differently. So, even though you may have been given some nice suggestions here, I'd recommend a "do it yourself" approach.

Any advice I have from experience wouldn't help you, but I wanted to burn bandwidth to let you know I'm cheering for you!