Lori C! I'm blown away! Thank you so much for this!
I was born into (BIC) a dysfunctional TBM family. My brother was firmly established as the tyrant ruler, long before I was born. I had a "volcano" of a mother, who was bi-polar. I turned down my lovely atheist boyfriends, and held out for a returned missionary, and married him 9 months later in the temple. He had a history of violence that no one told me about, and, even through all the beatings and visits to the doctor, I still felt it was somehow my fault, and that he loved me. Mormon brainwashing.
Like you, I knew I was going to die.
I love you songs and lyrics! The lyric, "I have one friend...know who it is? Me!" struck a chord. I was isolated when I left my wife-beater ex, and I saved my self, by myself. I was injured, had no self-esteem, knew my parents and the Mormons were against divorce--yet there was something inside of me that wanted to live.
Again, your lyrics, and what you said in your interview truly struck a chord with me! I admire you as much as you admire Zena! You have a great voice, wonderful expression and musicality--well, I can't praise you enough! I hope you arrive in Salt Lake City on your tour!
(((hugs))) and best wishes to someone who has not only survived, but PREVAILED! Thank you, thank you, thank you!
I feel it's time to come out of the shadows and tell the world what life in the Mormon church and a Mormon family really is...at least my Mormon family.
It is a sick thing to be told your whole life that "Heavenly Father Loves You", but when somethings goes wrong it is your fault or he wanted to "test" you. It is the first and ultimate abusive relationship in our lives. One thing dying did was undo that damage, but man I had a lot to process!
I'm so glad you like my lyrics! Warriors are made and if you feel a connection...it's because you are one!!!
I'll be home in 5 days and I'll be sure to get SLC on my tour schedual!
Great interview. Thank you for speaking about difficult things and getting the ideas out there in the media. Your singing and songwriting are motivating.
Thank you!!! I laughed when he asked me too. LOL Cracked me up.
I thought he was so well prepared for this interview and took such a genuine interest. I only wish I had had the questions before hand to have more time to formulate my answers even better, but sometimes off the cuff works too!
about being your own mother and being "Too Old for My Age."
I thought of my oldest daughter who helped me raise the younger ones. She complained about being forced to be a parent while still a child and I didn't understand. I would have loved to have had babies around --anyone around-- because my childhood was so lonely.
Your song helped me to understand how she still feels like something was taken from her.
Thank you so much. Do you have a CD we can buy? I think its so important to be able to get these feelings out, to sing along.
Thanks for stepping up. And, by the way, as long as you're still alive, so is Zena.
Your last comment just made me cry. Xena saved my life. She saved me from my family and from Mormonism. She was strong, independent, she fought back when confronted. She was sober and took responsibilty for her life and was kind and compassionate even after the horrible background she had lived. She turned her entire life around and she changed everything...especially for me. She could laugh, cry, show anger, walk away from things that upset her, had the courage to face evil. She wasn't a Molly Mormon and had to "keep sweet". She allowed herself to be human and show the full spectrum of emotions. That freed me to do the same. When she was so brutally murdered in the end I felt like...here we go...one more strong woman murdered by Hollywood. It was heartwrenching for me. But over time I did realize the the qualities she had shown me did indeed live within me and I could keep those alive and that is the path I have chosen. I want to do as much as I can to be authentic to my passion and happiness before I die.
I'm glad you liked "Too Old for My Time". I babysat sooooo much as young person. I look back now and I think if I would spent even half that time concerning myself with extra curricular activities that would have helped me gain a scholorship, a good finanical foundation...things would have been different, and that is really why I don't have the desire to have a traditional family. I did so much child care growing up I simply don't have the rose colored glasses on that that life is peaches and cream. I feel like I've already done that and it just doesn't pay very well. For 1 dollar an hour it sort of takes all the fun out of it. I thought..."if I'm a parent" I won't even make that. Also, I was never given a choice to clean the house or the kids...I had to or face the wrath of my mother. I often wondered when looking at her..."what exactly is YOUR job". I mean, I had to go to school 7 hours, do homework, help with dinner, do laundry, vaccumming, lawn mowing...and then when I was a teen work a part time job. And I looked at my mother who never worked and was in bed most of the time and I thought..."umm, pardon me, but ummm, isn't this your job? When do I actually get to be a kid and get to do kid things without always being afraid of your temper? Am I a kid or your slave? Just trying to get some clarity here."
Thank you dear for your thought provoking reponse.
I'll be back in the States next week and am having all my music repackaged onto one CD and I'll have that for sale as soon as I get it done. Thanks. :-)
Lori, you should have a website featuring your photo, your story and your music. One of my daughters is a singer/songwriter and is able to communicate with her fanbase through her website. Check it out:
www.bethwaters.com
Your music is therapy for those who feel disloyal if they express negative emotions about their mothers or their upbringing.
Your background may be Mormon, but I have been to recovery seminars and seen many evangelicals who have been beaten and raised in fear. They start out joking about their parents never sparing the rod and spoiling the child, but they end up in tears.
This is the world calling for you to make a difference. You are "Answering the Call" as Joseph Campbell described the hero's journey. You really should google that and learn the mythological basis for what is driving you subconsciously.
Thanks so much for posting! I will be buying more than one of your CD's, that I promise!
When Jada Pinkett-Smith was asked why she let her daughter Willow shave her head, this is what she said:
"This subject is old but I have never answered it in its entirety. And even with this post it will remain incomplete.
The question why I would LET Willow cut her hair. First the LET must be challenged. This is a world where women, girls are constantly reminded that they don't belong to themselves; that their bodies are not their own, nor their power, or self determination. I made a promise to endow my little girl with the power to always know that her body, spirit, and her mind are HER domain. Willow cut her hair because her beauty, her value, her worth is not measured by the length of her hair. It's also a statement that claims that even little girls have the RIGHT to own themselves and should not be a slave to even their mother's deepest insecurities, hopes, and desires. Even little girls should not be a slave to the preconceived ideas of what a culture believes a little girl should be. More to come. Another day."
I felt like I was simply an extension of my mother's severest insecurities. To her I had no sovereignty, my selfhood only existed based on her whim and I was only allowed to show emotions that were seemed acceptable to her. She could scream and demean but I sure as heck was never allowed to show my pain because as she would say..."you make me feel guilty".
As I listened, I tried to imagine what it would be like to have a song like that written, sang, produced, all because I was cruel to that person. I can't begin to imagine what that would be like. You've truly taken yourself back. Abusers need to be outed. It's the only way they will stop.
You know, after I wrote these songs, I emotionally shelved them because I knew they were about my family and I was still in that stage of recovery that I "hoped" my story with my family would be like a Disney Movie and have a "happily ever after". I didn't want to sing these songs to the world. I knew if I did, it was really over. I had at last done all I could to rectify the relationship and I would then be done...meaning no more hope. I could not bare that thought at the time.
However, time has passed and things with my family if it were possible have only deteriorated. They truly have given themselves over to the church, family be damned. I am nothing to them and I'm sick of being the one to be ignored. I was born with this voice and I'm not going to die before I use it and I'm sure as heck not going to ever put myself in the position again to be tortured and judged by them. I am a valuable member of society and I deserve my success. I've earned my freedom in every way and I've survived the worst the had to give. They crushed me in everyway...and I survived.
We grew up together and knew each other for many years in school (and in Choir) and in Church. I'm sorry to say that I don't recall being very kind to you and I apologize for that. I don't think I was particularly mean, I've never been like that, but unfortunately I was a typical Mormon teenage boy. I'm also so sorry for what you went through later in life.
In any case, I certainly didn't know what you were going through at home and I'm fortunate that my story was much happier - though it would have been better without the Church. I am so happy to see where you are now in your life and what you have accomplished.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/05/2012 04:18PM by mormondumb.
KH?????? Choir,...hmmmmm, Kevin ???? Is that you??
Wow, I wonder...
I remember being definately the ugly outcast Mormon girl to you guys. I never understood why but then I wasn't trying to flirt with any of you, just trying to survive. I was a Molly Mormon as I could possibly be. Anyway, thank you for your kindness now. I appreciate that.
I think there are so many faces at school that we just never knew anything about but being the only truly righteous kids aka Mormon kids in school, why would we have tried to really connect with those below us? I've connected with so many of our school mates who have been WONDERFUL post high school. It's the Mormon ones who I thought were my friends who have shunned me all these years, but the non Mormon ones? Man, they have such wonderful, open hearts. I'm thrilled to know them now.
If this is Kevin, please know I thought you were so funny. You brought so much laughter to choir and I appreciated that. Choir was my haven.
Don't worry, I love you and I'm glad we are both alive to connect all these years later. Thanks for the validation.
Lori
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/04/2012 11:52PM by Susan I/S.
Its me. And don't worry about using my name. So glad you have some fond memories of me. It breaks my heart now all these years later to understand what you were going through then, but you're right that most of us didn't really pay attention or even try to really know those around us. Part of that is just being a kid.
I'm so glad to see the credit you give to choir and to Linda to helping you through that time in your life. I certainly didn't have the same challenges you did but give her a ton of credit for making that part of my life better too.
I'm not in Boise anymore but go back for the holidays quite often - let me know when you might be in town and we can grab some coffee. Or if you're ever in Arizona you can find me there. I just sent you an email to the address on your web site so you can get in touch with me.
6, "I've Had to Learn" is your current radio single. The song handles the sensitive topic of intolerance towards gays. How personal are those lyrics to you?
I want to use some info from Prop 8. I have not see the documentary yet. Can someone who has seen it give me some specific info as to what the church did to prevent gays from marrying in California?
A letter from church HQ was read from the pulpit in wards across the whole US, to get the members to take action or contribute money. I don't remember the specifics of the letter as I had long ago stopped attending and only saw reference to it here. Also in CA itself, wards of members were deployed to ring doorbells and ask for support in Yes on 8.
I was stunned to see how much money families gave. Money that should have gone to the rearing of their children. I'm shocked and sickened by the church. When I went through the temple I was shocked to hear that they wanted all my time and resources, but in my mind I thought..."surely they'll never ask that of me". Thank heavens I left the church before this or this would have been the final straw for me. Dangerous cult!
I enjoyed hearing your story Lori C. I like that warrior song. It really showcases your voice. I also agree with you that there is no true religion, Once we go to the afterlife we find out the only religion is love. If the afterlife is where you were, it sound's similar to others who went there.
It sounds like your formative years were yucky and cursed with Mormonism and the results poured onto you. At least you have come out smarter and stronger. Cheers to you!!!
I adore "The Warrior In Me". When I find the financing, that will be the firt music video I do.
Yes, my upbringing was with an authoritarian mother. It is somthing that has forced me to cement my own personal sovereignty around myself. Nothing like being treated like an extension of someone else to make you steel your own identity...simply because someone is trying forcibly to take it from you.
You always just bring pure peace to my soul when you write, you know that?
I do have a site....www.loricrandall.com and www.steppinupmusic.com
I'll check out your daughters site and be sure to tell you when the cd's are ready. You can purchase mp3's of them on cdbaby.com/loricrandall, but I know the physical cd's are cool too. Love you dear.
Kevin!! I'm so glad it is you! Thank you for your kind heart. I would love to catch up with you again! I'm moving to Boise next week! I've been living abroad in NZ for 11 years, but time to come home. Ahhhh, central heating, affordable food, clothes, and double glazed windows!!! Can't wait! I'll be in Boise, so if you come home for Christmas, look me up!! I don't mind posting my email...iamasingertoo@hotmail.com