My son is getting married next spring. This has triggered anger in me. I have recently come out as an atheist to my family and my husband is inactive, his sisters are inactive. His fiance's family are all nonmembers. Sooooooo, the only one even able to go to his wedding is his brother.

This is so so so sad that everyone gets excluded. They are having a ring ceremony of some sort after they get back from their honeymoon for everyone else. I know this is their idea of compromising but a ring ceremony a couple weeks after the actual marriage is just not the same as watching them get married.

Well, at least I won't be outside the temple by myself. Will have plenty of company. His is the only one of my children's weddings I will not be able to attend. His brother was in the temple and we got caught up on tithing to be able to attend. Both our daughters were married outside the temple - hurray for them.

It is all just so sad.

I hear you. My little sis is getting married tomorrow... I will be waiting outside. Hooray for me! In any case, his righteous TBM family is too big to fit in the sealing room anyway, so I won't be alone (but not because they aren't worthy...).

No one ever really talks about this, but isn't it interesting that the sealing is so small? Not all card carrying members can attend a sealing anyway, because the rooms aren't big enough. That is just stupid.

"I hear you. My little sis is getting married tomorrow... I will be waiting outside."

From a nonmo perspective...I really think those excluded from a temple wedding...SHOULD NOT GO ONLY TO WAIT OUTSIDE.

If they have a inclusive reception go to that, but if they don't and all they have is the temple wedding and more and more unworthies don't go, then maybe (in years, I know) this will change..



Just my opinion

http://imgur.com/oXMp6.jpg



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/19/2012 11:43PM by suckafoo.

This shunning at temple weddings is the morg at its worst. So sorry you'll be so unfairly excluded after a lifetime of nurturing.

Cheryl Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> This shunning at temple weddings is the morg at
> its worst. So sorry you'll be so unfairly
> excluded after a lifetime of nurturing.

+1000

I timed my situation just right, but I was extremely lucky in that sense. Our youngest son found his sweetie shortly after I realized the church was bogus (or simply admitted it to myself because I had actually known it all along). I hid my disbelief, stalled on things that were important, and kept my identity secret on this board because I didn't want to be kicked out before the wedding (they do that). I hated it, but, as a mother, I was determined to see my son married! I was pushing the envelope when it came to the temple recommend - the expiration date was approaching fast, but our son and his now wife decided to move quickly and get married right away. Bonus! So, in the end, I attended their wedding, in the temple, with my almost expired temple recommend, and resigned The. Next. Day. Yep, temple one day, gonzo the next. I have to say, it was weird sitting in the temple knowing what I now know and having done the research about all the ceremonial stuff - strange and unsettling feeling. Couldn't WAIT to leave.

Having said that, it is still wrong on every level for TSCC to bar family from attending weddings - it's simply their way to force more people to pay tithing in order to enjoy the "blessings" of the temple. Makes me angry. Seriously angry.

Cathy Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I timed my situation just right, but I was
> extremely lucky in that sense. Our youngest son
> found his sweetie shortly after I realized the
> So, in the end, I attended their
> wedding, in the temple, with my almost expired
> temple recommend, and resigned The. Next. Day.

That is awesome!

I'm sorry - I have this to look forward to in a few years with my kids. I imagine in my case I'll be out there alone - other than siblings who aren't old enough to attend yet.

I wonder if I'll take the high road like you and wait outside the temple or if I'll just skip it.

It really is sad. One of our relatives had a temple wedding a few months ago. The sealing room had space for about 40 guests, but there were only 4 of us (not counting bride, groom and sealer). Groom was a convert, so of course none of his family or friends were allowed in. Bride's mom is no longer active, so she wasn't allowed in. Bride's younger siblings haven't to the temple yet, so they weren't allowed in. It was just her dad, brother and my husband and I. And really, we should have even been allowed to be there, we were just flying under the radar, and hanging onto our recommends so we could attend her wedding. A few days after the wedding, we sent in our resignation letters.

Oh and don't even get me started on the "ring ceremony" that they had later. They tried to make it nice and their ass of a bishop ruined it.

I'm a poor one to talk. I was oblivious to my family's feelings too.

Has your son looked around and discovered that none of his immediate family will be in attendance? Does he care?

If he does care, and has enough time, perhaps he will think of a way to have a real wedding ceremony for the immediate family and the temple later.

I know thats asking a lot, but hopefully he is more mature and considerate than I was with my parents.

At firs I was against my son having a ring ceremony. At the time I was trying to be ubber mormon although my testimony was already falling apart. I thought the church was against ring ceremonies. It was my mother who warned me about making it an issues. My DIL's parents had left the church and so it was something for them to participate in.

In retropect it was very nice. Her dad and I were asked to give a few statements then they exchanged rings. As far as I know, no church authority (bishop) was even around at the time.

At the temple, the officiator asked me to gather family together after the ceremony so he could speak to those that were not able to attend. I blew that request off. DIL's mother was in charge and pictures were all that mattered after we exited the temple.

This always stabs me where it hurts.

Both my kids married in an LD$ temple, and I was not invited, because I'm not worthy.

My son said, "Well, Dad, you know how it is. You should have expected this since you and Mom raised us in the church."

He was right.

My daughter said, "I know you can't be with us at the ceremony, so we're having a ring ceremony, and you can walk me down the aisle there."

I did, and it was the proudest moment of my life vis-a-vis my daughter.

But I refused to wait outside the temples for them. I made sure that they knew I loved them, and I that was there for everything else - pictures, family brunch, reception, ring ceremony, etc.

When they look at their "outside the temple" pictures, they won't see me in them. I'm hoping it'll remind them some day about how unjust the LD$ church is to "unworthy" family members, especially the Dad.

I refused to wait outside the temple while my convert DD married inside. It was just too much to ask.

DD said she wanted a ring exchange (I refuse to call it a ceremony) to make us feel better. At first I refused, saying that if she wanted to do things the 'Mormon way' then she could have a tacky reception the 'Mormon way'. I relented after some reflection and decided to throw a great non-Mormon reception - which it was. Even some of the groom's young nieces said they want to have a wedding like that! In the end, I'm glad about it because DD has some happy memories of her wedding day that don't include the weird temple ceremony.

Funny thing, she doesn't have any of the temple pictures on display in her home.

And the ring exchange did nothing to sooth the hurt feelings.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/19/2012 05:44PM by caedmon.

When my daughter got married in the temple, none of the parents were inside in attendance. All her siblings were younger and weren't there. None of her best friends were Mormon and some of them still traveled a distance of 4 hours to wait outside and not see her married and then attend a reception. Her grandparents and some extemporaneous "family" were inside. That was it.

BUT, it was one of the first cracks in the door for her. She couldn't stand how awful she felt that she had done that to her family. She could not enjoy her wedding day because of the black cloud hanging over it--due to the temple experience and the bad family dynamics because of divorces on both sides. She went back to the temple several times and, like her mother before her, could never reconcile it with the spiritual experiences so many people had claimed they have there. I kept reminding her that if she thought the temple was creepy and weird now, she should have gone through the nonsense I had to go through--the throat slitting, the naked touching, the groping at the veil, the paylayale, etc. She's now an exmo.

So don't sugar coat it for him. Don't pretend that you don't think the church is asking them to make a choice between the cult and their family. Make comments that encourage them to see it for what it is. You never know.

I have two sons and a wife that are completely TBM. I have another son and a daughter that are completely out of TSCC. I'm expecting within the next two or three years to have to stand outside the Temple while they are inside getting married. I spend considerable time thinking about what I am going to do. Currently I think I will go to the temple and not raise an issue. It's their day and I don't want to detract from it (I hope I can remain this mature when it actually happens). I plan on writing a letter to the editor of the local news paper plus another 4 newspapers in the area and let them know how I had to miss the wedding just because of a policy in place to maximize donations to the church. If every time one of us had to stand outside we wrote letters to 5 newspapers, we would see enough pressure on TSCC that the policy would soon change. The cost of the bad publicity has to be greater than the revenue they are receiving from people that pay only so they can attend.

All over everywhere! Regular people aren't allowed because they are UNWORTHY!!


Christians, my......................................... tail.

WHY would anyone wait outside of a temple ????

Just go to the reception instead.

I was not even invited to be outside for our daughter's wedding. It hurts. But I could not lie and say I believe or pay tithing to a false church. The injuries from the church are formidable.

Thank you all for your replies. It helps. I have mentioned to him about being married first and then sealed. The problem is I don't know if he will consider it because of the pressure. I will keep working on it. I am not a believer in guilt trips or ultimatums. I will be there outside the temple if that is what they choose to do.

There is hope in that he hasn't talked to her family yet and they all will be excluded as well so maybe she will feel the need to have her mother and father at her wedding enough to have it outside the temple.

Just waiting and seeing now. Thank you all so much for your stories and support.

--oops, sorry this was supposed to be at the bottom of the whole post not in the middle. Don't know how that happened.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/20/2012 09:24AM by phoebe64.

I would have left Mormonism solely for this stupid policy, even if everything else checked out.

Tell him that out of respect for his own family, that the temple "sealing" should be a PRIVATE bride & groom ONLY event. No one but the old guy doing the ceremony and witnesses who don't know the couple should attend. Lock the door behind them.

That way it is a level playing field and neither family can feel superior or more blessed than the other. It is very hurtful that one family can be there and the other cannot.

The bride & groom can do the ring ceremony before or after for BOTH families.

If more couples would do this, TBM's who were left out would be screaming to high heaven.

so all interested people can attend, and then a year later go to the temple to have the CoJCoLDS do their magical hocus-pocus stuff ? That sounds like a good compromise to me.

If your son doesn't care about you missing his wedding, then why should you care?

TSCC actively discourages couples from making a choice to be married first outside of the temple by imposing a 1 year penalty wait - even if the couple is otherwise 'temple worthy'. Marrying in the temple is the only acceptable way - it's drilled into their heads from the time they are little.

Fellow TBMs will reinforce this punishment by speculating about why the couple didn't marry in the temple as expected....."I heard they had sex!" They will make condescending remarks like "too bad you didn't do it the right way." It takes a lot of guts to defy church leaders, cultural expectations, and the gossip mongers.

This one year punishment isn't imposed on couples in many other countries however. In those countries, the government doesn't recognize marriages that aren't held in a public setting. Couples there are permitted to be sealed in the temple on a later date - no one year punishment required.

A few days after my convert DD's temple wedding and lovely reception/ring exchange, her new MIL commented that it was a good compromise. Compromise?? That implies that everyone gave up something they wanted. I gave up being present at the marriage of my eldest daughter.....what did this woman give up?

OK. someone help me with this, what's the big deal about these huge, all in the family, let's spend thousands of dollars weddings? I don't get it. My SIL was PISSED that the wife and I didn't have this huge church thing, and commented on it to the wife. Her response was to ask SIL how much HER wedding cost. She told her "over 10 grand". DW said "Mine cost 35 bucks at the JP and we're just as married as you are".

And nearly 32 years later, we still are. And every time I ask the wife if she regrets not doing the wedding thing, her reply is..."What are you, fucking crazy?".

I think that last point is a given.