EZEKIEL 16, or JERUSALEM: GOD’S DUMPSTER-BABY NYMPHOMANIAC BRIDE

(This is a condensed version of Ezekiel 16, taken from the NET Bible. This is what it actually says. I've marked my commentary with three asterisks, ***, to separate it from the biblical text.)

16:3 …[Jerusalem,] your father was an Amorite and your mother a Hittite...

16:4 ...the day you were born your umbilical cord was not cut, nor were you washed ...nor wrapped with blankets.

16:5 ... you were thrown out into the open field...

16:6 “‘I passed by you and saw you kicking around helplessly in your blood. I said to you as you lay there in your blood, “Live!” I said to you as you lay there in your blood, “Live!”

16:7 I made you plentiful like sprouts in a field; you grew tall and came of age so that you could wear jewelry. Your breasts had formed and your hair had grown, but you were still naked and bare.

16:8 “‘Then I passed by you and watched you, noticing that you had reached the age for love... entered into a marriage covenant with you...

***To recap, God saves the abandoned baby girl, raises her and watches her. Then, when she sprouts tits and pubes, His Holiness thinks, “Mmm. I’d like to tap that!” and marries her. Like any decent man would do.***

16:15 “‘But you trusted in your beauty and capitalized on your fame by becoming a prostitute. You offered your sexual favors to every man who passed by so that your beauty became his.

16:17 You also took your beautiful jewelry, made of my gold and my silver I had given to you, and made for yourself male images and engaged in prostitution with them.

***She made gold and silver dildos, and had sex with them.***

16:20 “‘You took your sons and your daughters whom you bore to me and you sacrificed them as food for the idols to eat. As if your prostitution was not enough,

16:21 you slaughtered my children and sacrificed them to the idols.

***WAIT, WHAT?! She’s slaughtering kids now?! Child murder is a much bigger deal than prostitution. Let’s focus on that.***

16:25 At the head of every street you erected your pavilion and you disgraced your beauty when you spread your legs to every passerby and multiplied your promiscuity.

***Never mind, I guess. My mistake. We’re back to the fucking.***

16:26 You engaged in prostitution with the Egyptians, your sexually aroused neighbors...

***Really, who could blame her? Ezekiel 23, verse 20: “She lusted after their genitals – as large as those of donkeys, and their seminal emission was as strong as that of stallions.”***

16:28 You engaged in prostitution with the Assyrians because your sexual desires were insatiable; you prostituted yourself with them and yet you were still not satisfied.

***Ezekiel 23:6-8 “[Warriors] clothed in blue, governors and officials, all of them desirable young men, horsemen riding on horses...all of them were the choicest young men of Assyria...men had sex with her, fondled her virgin breasts, and ravished her.”

16:29 Then you multiplied your promiscuity to the land of merchants, Babylonia, but you were not satisfied there either.

16:32 “‘Adulterous wife, who prefers strangers instead of her own husband!

***Yes, how could she possibly prefer strange men to her surrogate-father/husband, who groomed her to be his sexual servant from the time she was an infant?***

16:33 All prostitutes receive payment, but instead you give gifts to every one of your lovers. You bribe them to come to you from all around for your sexual favors!

16:34 You were different from other prostitutes because no one solicited you. When you gave payment and no payment was given to you, you became the opposite!

16:58 You must bear your punishment for your obscene conduct and your abominable practices, declares the Lord.

***Ezekiel 16:35-58, 24 boring verses, detail the punishments against Jerusalem.***

16:63 Then you will remember, be ashamed, and remain silent when I make atonement for all you have done, declares the sovereign Lord.’”


Far from showing God to be an omnibenevolent ruler and loving partner, this allegory paints a picture of Jehovah as a jealous, exploitative, opportunistic, quasi-incestuous child abuser and Jerusalem as an out-of-control sex addict with severe commitment issues in need of serious intervention by a loving family and mental health professionals. That’s what I see, at least.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/10/2013 07:45PM by homo sapiens maximus.

good gravy, De Bible is weird...

Wow. Guess I never read that part or I wouldn't have felt like such a bad guy.

God sucks

I daresay most Mormons, or Christians for that matter, don't actually read much from the Bible. There's the old Scripture Mastery verse, Ez. 37:19, the one about the stick for Judah and the Stick for Ephraim, that the church pretends is referring to the Book of Mormon, but other than that Ezekiel is largely ignored.

Ezekiel's a good read, though. It toggles between beautiful poetic imagery, fucking insane rants and bizarre object lessons.

It's fun reading the scriptures as a devout nonbeliever; they're remarkably different than we were taught and don't show god to be particularly benevolent or potent.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/10/2013 08:02PM by homo sapiens maximus.

This passage is, of course, symbolic. It is talking about how
the chosen people, after having been saved by Jehovah and having
entered into a covenant with Jehovah went "whoring" after the
false gods of other nations.

Of course, of all the possible symbolism, the one used is the
type that the current LDS church would frown on.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/10/2013 08:48PM by baura.

There's no question that this allegory is symbolic, and Ezekiel is very clear in what he's trying to say. He rants about the wickedness of Israel chapter after tedious chapter.

It's a very strange, convoluted, meandering and absurd allegory, though, and if these are actually God's words, then he needs an editor.

...or perhaps he should stop choosing lunatics as his spokesmen.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/10/2013 09:04PM by homo sapiens maximus.

I would have been proud to drill the pilot hole for those most impressive egyptians.

Bwahahaha!!!

If god wants to raise a prom night dumpster baby into a whore, he can do so in his infinite wisdom.

If god's chosen people end up becoming a bad girls gone wild because god kept calling his chosen people a whore and treated them as such - then that's what god's marvelous plan for his chosen people is!!!

Can you imagine the local stake prez giving a talk about donkey sized schlongs and massive emissions?

Oh my!


I guess I missed that bit of Ezekiel in seminary.

Lot's daughters getting him drunk, jumping his bones, then giving birth to their own daddy's bastards.

Don't forget that Lot first offered up his daughters to be raped by the Sodomites. He's a pretty terrible father, too. Jehovah must be proud.

(Genesis 19:8) "Look, I have two daughters who have never had sexual relations with a man. Let me bring them out to you, and you can do to them whatever you please. Only don’t do anything to these men, for they have come under the protection of my roof.”



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/11/2013 01:23PM by homo sapiens maximus.

The use of allegory is quite common in the Bible. The BoM lacks such allegorical stories. Basically, the story is how the favored people easily went astray. In the NT the relationship between a husband and wife is used to describe Christ and the Church. While the story in Ezelied may weem weird, it does convey the understanding that, ultimately, even the sins of Israel are forgiven.

I'm not questioning the Moral of the allegory, but rather the morality of its content. I recognize the dangers of judging ancient cultures by current standards of conduct - though when we're dealing with an unchanging, omniscient and omnipotent god, we may freely judge the consistency (or, more accurately, INconsistency) of his character over time - but I question the relevance of this antiquated scripture for our edification in the modern world.

God's behavior in the Bible does not portray him as being particularly benevolent or omnipotent or omniscient. He is just another ancient mythological deity subject to fits of irrational behavior, violent outbursts, and cruel and capricious judgments against his chosen people.

If you allegory doesn't have a golden "dildo" then clearly your allegory doesn't come from god.

That's what Orwell was missing in Animal Farm.

No golden dildo = only speaking as a man.

I think stainless steel is good enough. That is why I claim "The Naked Lunch" to be the word of God.

The Steely Dan!

It's good to know that there are still some people around who get that reference!

One of my best friends (this was in the 70's) was assigned to give a talk in sacrament meeting. Being a lazy stoner like myself, he struck on the brilliant idea that you could open the bible to any page and give a talk. No planning, no research, just open the bible and read. And he introduced his talk as such. As luck would have it, the chapter he opened to was all about masterbation. I haven't been able to find that chapter since. But damn it was funny!

I really wish I would have done the same with this chapter.

The Bible does not portray God as knowing our every thought. God actually regretted on occasion what he did. As one goes through the scriptures one see an evolution even of the portrayal of God. Finally, the scriptures reach our present moral principles with the loving God portrayed in Christ. We now see a God of grace rather than wrath, of forgiveness rather than punishment.

The way the Bible plays out - including the addition of the apocrypha - in an evolution of religion - is reason for accepting the evolution of man over a very long time rather than the idea of the Garden of Eden, etc. Language also not only evolved in ancient times but is still evolving, something quite different from the Tower of Babel. Yet, even looking at the story of Babel, one sees how man can err in seeking the godhood of TSCC theology where we can approach it and attain it ourselves and get our own planets! That is the value of the story of Babel, not as any true confusing of language.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/08/2013 08:29PM by rhgc.

"We now see a God of grace rather than wrath, of forgiveness rather than punishment."

Except for the end of the bible.

Cycle of abuse. Full circle.

Do unto others what has been done to you.

Inspired by today's discussions regarding The Good Book, I thought I would shamelessly resurrect my favorite Bible Passage for the enjoyment of all.

Actually, it proves my point that the Bible is not all to be taken literally! The fundies who insist on literal meanings do not understand scripture. Similarly, JS could not even understand the Song of Solomon.

BTW the BoM lacks such depth.

It also proves how awkward and imperfect allegory can be at disseminating wisdom.

Anyway, this chapter was clearly allegorical, unlike the mythology of the Creation, the Flood, the Exodus or the the Miracles of Jesus, which read more like superstitious fantasy presented as evidence of the power and majesty of God.

Believe in what you want, but I, personally, won't accept a revisionist apology for the absurd claims and outrageous immorality of the biblical deity. I don't buy that we should believe what the Bible tells us but not what it says.

Why does this story remind me of the dirtiest joke ever told? BTW Harkins theater would not show that movie but they would show Django. (Django was better)

You all do recall, do you not, that for quite some time the European monarchies tried to keep these stories for themselves? Wyclif and buds were actually killed for attempting to translate and/or publish them for the common man to read. Only a matter of time before Hefner discovered the printing press.

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There's no Porn like Bible Porn!

(Unless it's early Mormon-porn history)

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I love that chapter

Remember in all Christian faiths Jehovah = Jesus.

Our god is a schizophrenic god indeed, especially the Mormon god and the Mormon Jesus, in one moment in love with the Internet and social media, in the next bringing your child home by way of a violent car accident, or making sweet sexual soliloquy in the Old Testament. Ahh yes our god is great.