Posted by:
anon for this
(
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Date: January 14, 2013 08:59PM
you have two paths in my opinion.
1. divorce, don't be afraid of it, it is often the right solution even when kids are involved.
2. stay together and help her see the light when it comes to church stuff. Best for kids if you can truly help this happen.but is the hardest path for sure. I do not believe you will find happiness if you stay together and she stays in the church.
I was faced with nearly the same decision for much the same reason just a few years ago, several kids, etc, etc.
this is now a focus point in your life, the thing about focus points is you can use them to steer your life in the direction you want it to go, what you want, not what the church or others around you want. This will lead you to happiness.
it is time for an assessment, do you love her? does she love you? that is something you really have to decide for yourself. If there are kids involved you also need to decide how important to you both keeping the family together is.
answer these honestly, completely, at this time you both need to learn to be completely honest with each other. brutally honest, my wife was very controlling too, and so uptight about sex that eventually I looked elsewhere. It happens, and yes you screwed up. but the church has also put you both in a postion of judging each other and of self judgement that is NOT conducive to forgiveness.
You need to tell her now that you do not believe in the church anymore, and clearly why, divorce needs to be an option on the table. that is the only way she will understand the seriousness of your position. If you are a good provider and not a flake you will have in your favor her need for security. You should be clear that you will fill that need.
You need to tell her what you really think about your sex life and be honest. But don't just yell, explain the feelings you have, listen to her feelings. remember it doesn't matter shit if the other person deserves to feel that way or not, everyone has a right to feeling. They might be from a misunderstanding or from an actual action. if they are from an action and you are sorry, say so. if you aren't really sorry then don't say so. Allow her the same latitude.
get a counselor that is NOT LDS, insist on that (the LDS ones will color their recommendations and make the disconnecting from the church harder and you won't get satisfactory results, also do not use the bishop)
It boils down to learning to be real to each other, then deciding if you can each live with the other real person, faults and all.
I took the second path, it took over a year to help my wife see the fact that the church was a fraud, once she did, she was able to drop a lot of pretense and learn to enjoy sex (girls learning to 'rub one out' is the most recommended way for them to find out how to enjoy sex, definitely prohibited by the morg)
once she enjoyed sex, she realized that the church had been holding her back from that incredible feeling and that reinforced her trust in me (which was really hard to win back)
once we got the church out of the way we could be so much more honest with each other, we learned how to say yes, no or maybe to a request and live with it. Porn and masturbation could be ways to handle different sex drives. When you did something for the other person that you really didn't want to but did it out of love it was understood and appreciated instead of expected.
end of the story, it was a long haul and not easy but now...
happily married 4 years later, we compromise on somethings and find our own way on others, but it is now a bond of mutual respect, not of CK expectations and it is so so so much more rewarding!!!
silver lining for me? I'm a perv and we got to do some kinky fantasy things that even JS would be proud of lol :D
good luck with your choice!