So I posted the topic a few months back about women changing their given name upon marriage to the last name of their spouse. This was prior to my engagement. Now that I am officially engaged and have had some talk I realize it is easier said then done.

My fiance would like me to change my name. It is important to him especially when you talk about the idea of unity and maybe the possibility of children. And that's tough. I don't want to engender the idea of too much independence or sending a message that I am considering divorce as a possibility if it 'doesn't work.' And frankly, his last name is uncommon which would be beneficial to my plain jane name that not even google can find me.

I am in a professional program and toyed with the idea of keeping my given name professionally but socially use his. I guess legally could go either way on that one. He still doesn't care much for it. I've also liked the idea of couples who make a new last name for both of them--sometimes using a partial merge of the two last names (not talking hyphen names). However, his last name is uncommon and does have a family heritage to it.

Right now we may have settled on me adding a name but not changing one (again no hyphen, just four names officially). I am thinking it gives me some flexibility without completely losing my given last name. It's a compromise I guess.

Ultimately if I put my foot down I am sure my fiance would be ok with me keeping my name. But--I just feel guilty for wanting to not change and weird. I also worry about setting a tone over something that maybe really isn't a big deal...

Two of my five daughters married men who took their last names because they liked ours better.

My dad would have loved to have seen that since he thought having only two daughters was the "end of the line" for the family name.

One couple uses the husband's former last name as both their middle names (no hyphen)

And throwing even another curve into it--the name they are using is MY maiden name, not their Mormon father's name.

Yeah, they are a nervy bunch--I'm proud of them.


Anagrammy

That's great, Anagrammy! I kept my name and we also gave our son my last name for a number of reasons. My husband's family was a bit upset, but we do enjoy upsetting the apple cart now and then. They got over it.

There is nothing more important in identity as your name.

The Mormon church taught us that Adam was told to name the animals so he could understand that he had dominion over them.

Women take the name of the husband for the same reason, plus to insert the male as the main progenitor even though (until recently) only the mother could be proven for sure.

Isn't it interesting that the women has the major responsibility for the home and raising the children yet her name and her role in this joint endeavor isn't even mentioned. Her name will not appear anywhere unless she insists.

Don't let your identity be traditionalized out of the family name.

Your children come out of your body and they can very well carry the "Made In Mary" sign as well.

Ana

If you like his name better, choose it now and get it on your diplomas.
Is he willing to hyphenate? I mean BOTH of you hyphenate your surnames, so that you'd BOTH be changing your names?

But if you really really want to use your own birth name, then put your foot down. He should not expect you to do something he is not willing to do himself.

I never liked--it is a very common mormon last name, but then so is mine.

But since I had kids, I will keep his last name--even though we are not "together."

Since my parents died, my last name has become more important to me than ever.

My ex's family--they all have their mother's maiden name as their middle name.

Either you will be changing to a two-word surname, or one of your surnames will be like a middle name and you will just be changing your surname to his. ?

"It's a compromise I guess."

No, no it isn't. When it comes down to it, it's not a compromise at all. It's YOUR name. Not your fiance's. He isn't being asked to change anything. You shouldn't have to, either, if you don't want to. And you shouldn't feel guilty about it. IT'S YOUR NAME. Ask your fiance if the fact that he isn't considering taking YOUR last name proof of his intention to divorce you sometime down the line. That's just silly.

Why is it that a woman's rights and identity "really isn't a big deal"?
Your fiance' seems to think that HIS name is a "big deal", doesn't he?

What you're calling your name is actually your fathers name, though, right?.

He won't hyphenate and thinks it is silly...and I kind of agree. It's a bit much for people. And if we did have kids some day it doesn't bother me in the least if they used his last name. I just have a hard time envisioning myself going by another name or being referred to as 'Mrs.' (I don't know why the Mrs. connotation makes me shudder).

Yet part of me thinks it might not be that important to be stubborn with it. An article I just read said that they are seeing a drop in college educated women keeping their name likely because people are taking marriage seriously and showing their are in it for the long haul.

Holy crap. There are entire societies where women don't take their husbands name.
You have been hoodwinked by patriarchy.

Don't base it on magazine articles or what your fiance wants.
You don't seem to know what you want. You should only do it for yourself -- it's your name, whatever you choose.

I am more worried about his perception of commitment by it. If it is more important to him too how do you tell someone you care about 'no' to a societal norm? And I know many societies don't. I have a Chinese friend and she has told me women in China keep their last names.

It's all about him.
If your surname is not a big deal to you, and you like his, you might want to change it, because... YOU WANT TO!

You are right. I think it is complicated which is why I am not sure. On the one hand I just don't want to--from the time I was young (parents thought I was nuts). I just have a hard time being known as a 'Mrs' or by any other name. On the other hand I wonder if in the end it will be a pain socially to deal with. Plus it does have the benefit of being unique at the least.

My husband seems to have no problem with it.
As far as it being a "pain socially", it's not really. There will be some old fashioned (or just plain old) people who will continue to address things to you as "Mr. and Mrs. John Doe", but just graciously say nothing and continue to write your two names out as they are supposed to be. Some of them will eventually catch on, others never will.

It is only your problem if you make it your problem. It is really THEIR problem.

If you want to keep your name, keep it. It is very common. Most of the professional women I know have kept their names. I have been married 32 years and did not take my husband's name. I have always taken my marriage seriously and considered myself in it for the long haul- I don't think the name has anything to do with it. When we married, he considered taking my name (we like it better), but we decided it didn't make much more sense for him to do that so we both kept our own names.

> My fiance would like me to change my name. It is
> important to him especially when you talk about
> the idea of unity and maybe the possibility of
> children.


If it's important to him that you both have the same last name, ask him to change his last name to yours. If he refuses to even consider that, I myself would consider that a red flag.

Man, this topic takes me back to the time I was engaged. From the time I was young, I envisioned hyphenating my last name with my husband's. When I was preparing for marriage, I didn't know what to do about the last name issue because our last names didn't sound right together. So for the first time, I thought, OK, I'll just keep my name.

Then after another time spent together with his family, my fiance told me his dad remarked, "I don't know if I will get along with 'toto' because she's too strong for a woman." Instantly, I decided to "show" my future FIL that I was submissive enough to take my husband's last name. Which I did. And hated it the entire time I was married.

I met women who kept their names for various reasons, professionally or not. Some hyphenated theirs and their husband's names. Others changed their names completely. If I marry again, I'm still thinking of hyphenating or taking on my husband's name with my own, if the names fit. But I'm OK keeping my name too. I couldn't fully change my name at this point, though, even if I loved his name more than mine.

BTW, my former FIL and I get along mahvelously since the divorce. Go figure.

We adopted three kids before we were legally married. We had to change their last name so I changed mine too. We all took a neutral last name. Then she and I were legally married and she took my new name. Everyone is happy.

Keep your own last name and add his. Women do it all the time. I did not and wish I had. Oh well. Look at some of the women's names on facebook....it is their own family name and their husband's.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/16/2013 07:40PM by honestone.

I'm probably going to get flamed out of existence for this but I would have been at least a little offended if my wife hadn't taken my last name when we got married.

I realize it's an antiquated tradition that probably doesn't have much of a place in modern society (children notwithstanding, I think) but when I was younger, that was just what happened. Boy meets girl, boy and girl get married, girl takes boy's last name.

In the interest of full disclosure, I support women's rights in all forms including the ERA, contraception choices, etc. etc. The name thing is just sort of ground in to me, I guess.

My wife DID take my name but she had no problem with it since she hated her maiden name anyway. Her aunts went the hyphenating route with their maiden-married names.

Since everyone on here thinks the woman should keep her own name if she want to, what does everyone think when it comes to children? What about the possibility of raised eyebrows and potential bullying if the mom and dad have different surnames? Not trying to argue, I legitimately want to know what you think about these possibilities/problems.

cecil0812 Wrote:
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> I'm probably going to get flamed out of existence
> for this but I would have been at least a little
> offended if my wife hadn't taken my last name when
> we got married.

I think this is where my (ex)husband was at. He was rather offended, I think, that I wasn't changing my name outright. That's fine. No flames. I get the tradition and I was happy to take his, but didn't want to lose mine.


> Since everyone on here thinks the woman should
> keep her own name if she want to, what does
> everyone think when it comes to children?

See my personal experience and choices below. The children typically take the father's name, I suppose that can be argued as well, but a big choice of me taking my husband's name was that everybody matched, really, in a nutshell.

1. Our culture has the heritage of the wife changing her name and I think it is appropriate.
2. My mother and my wife both chose to use their maiden name as their middle name after marriage.
3. Soon, seven of our eight daughters will be married and all have/will have followed suit.
4. It is also most common in our family lines (at least for 300-400 years to give a daughter the name of her mother, just as it is common for a son to be given the name of the father. Indeed, we have a period of four or five successive Lydias being the daughter of Lydia. Of course, this was unusual because the other daughters of each Lydia did not have the given name.

rhgc Wrote:
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> 1. Our culture has the heritage of the wife
> changing her name and I think it is appropriate.


Why do you think it's appropriate?

My sister in law tried to keep her own name, but it was tough for her to do. She finally succumbed. Good luck with whatever you decide.

I really like the spanish way of doing it. Everybody has 2 last names. The first one is their father's first last name, the second is their mother's first last name. I never did figure out the traditional way of doing it when they get married, but a lot of women change their first last name to their husband's first last name, and keep their maiden name as their second last name. Seems like a good compromise to me.

My husband got grumbly about not full-out changing my name. I told him perhaps he should change *his* name. I kept my name and took his *and* kept my middle name as well.

"What will you be called?," he asked. "Omreven Husband," but I'm keeping my name. So I took my husbands name, kept my own, no hyphens. I got divorced and still keep my married name because of the kids. Once the kids are grown, I will legally remove my married name.

I don't know how complicated it is these days, but when I was growing up, my mom changed her name to her maiden name after the divorce. This posed a problem of her guardianship since her name no longer matched her children's names, and she actually had to provide documentation to prove she was, in fact, my parent. This was a big reason for me to change my name to my husband's name and also keep it, post divorce. So everything matches. It removes question.

And I hate that people add the hyphen. No hyphen, people! Also some businesses and practices will put you on file under your maiden name, while others us your married name. You have to remember who does what, or you're on the phone saying, "I have two last names, let's start with this one."

I have heard of many women keeping their maiden name for their profession while taking on their husband's name in marriage and everything else. I think that's a pretty good idea.

I'm ok with a hyphen. In some cases, it looks/sounds ok - in others, not.

Am also ok with two surnames.

I'm also liking the Spanish way, mother's maiden name plus your own maiden (father's) name

The hyphen bugs me. This is my name. Mine. I've taken on my husband's, and we're blending lives, but I'm still me and my own person. It's not my hill to die on, just annoying. :) The Spanish tradition of names can result in some six names!

I hate my husband's/my last name since it is so easy to make fun of. I also don't like being associated with his relatives that hate me.

But even so, I am glad that I took his last name. It tells people a lot about the two of us. And when I sometimes introduce myself as both my maiden name and his last name, it says even more.

I have taken my husband's name, but in no way am I a submissive woman.