I want to apologize ahead of time to all you long termers who have listened to me go on and on about my wife for over a year now.

I just found out my wife has been planning and doing FHE for a couple of months without including me and my daughter. I told her that she was wrong to do that without including us, and that it was very hurtful. She told me she did not want me or DD rolling our eyes or trying to correct any scripture.

I told her that a Family Home Evening was about family and did not have a fucking thing to do with the church. I was happy to participate in teaching or doing stuff with the kids on a family basis, especially since we agree on EVERYTHING except the fucking church. She said she should have called it scripture study and then I would not have been upset. I told her she was exactly correct. If you are going to call something family anything than it better include the whole family and not exclude those of us who are now pond scum because we refuse to continue to lie to ourselves or each other.

I cannot even talk to my kids about god, religion, or anything because I don't toe the line but she makes sure the seminary kid goes to seminary and makes sure she makes it about me v. them. The kids are only here for 10 more years, but I quit going for them and am taking the blame for my daughter leaving even though I had nothing to do with it. While I love my wife, I sometimes wonder if it is worth getting divorced just so I can tell my kids why, and how I came to the conclusions I came to, and show them the information they need to see.

I know they will figure it out sooner or later, but I hate to put them through the pain of finding out as adults.

This is so infuriating, she does not see why what she is doing is wrong. And we are getting along great, although I am starting to feel managed, and that sends me through the stratosphere.

At the end of every conversation, somehow I am the asshole who won't just let the kids grow up how they want to.

Typing this out is just making me more angry.

I don't know why. It's just that you asked so nicely.

thanks, that got a chuckle

You're a most obliging deity. :)

I am so sorry. That sucks.

Please, PLEASE do not think that I am trying to give you advice, because I'm not. I am honestly asking a question, because I see this come up a lot on this board when one spouse believes and the other doesn't, and perpetually single judyblue is completely baffled by it. I hope you can make me understand:

How is it even possible that you agreed not to talk to your kids about your disbelief? They're YOUR kids, too! You don't believe that the mormon church is true, or that it's good for them. So why are you not an equal parent? I get the whole keeping the peace with the spouse thing, to a point, but when it gets to where you are contemplating divorce just so you will be allowed to speak freely to your own children... why not just speak to them now?

Again, I don't pretend to understand marriage dynamics (clearly). But this is a bit personal for me, because I am the daughter of a non-believing father who never once talked to me about it. I think he and my mom had a similar agreement when we were kids. I was a wretched, miserable teenager who thrice attempted suicide, all because of that manipulative cult, and my dad never once told me that he didn't believe it and why and that it was okay. I resented him for a very long time, because I thought he was tearing my family apart by being stubborn. It wasn't until I was an adult and had left TSCC myself that I realized he was a non-believer. It has taken years to build our relationship.

It is wrong of your wife to not allow you to speak to your own kids about your religious views. Just plain wrong. It isn't "keeping the peace" if one of you is being forced into silence and the other has all the control.

1+

I agree. I don't understand, but this seems to be the very core of Momormism. They get to preach their faith and say what they want, but you cannot express your knowledge or feelings to the contrary. I don't think this would fly in my marriage. If he gets to talk about his religion, I get equal time to present my point of view. And there would surely be fights over it. I think that the kids should be allowed to hear both points of view.

As for family home evening, that should be family. If she gets scripture night, you should get equal time. And I hope nonbelieving daughter isn't being treated worse than her believing siblings. Being excluded from scripture night, fine, she probably is glad not to be part of it, but being excluded from family home evening sucks!

The children are not just hers and they certainly aren't the Morgs. You and your wife do not have a decent relationship if you don't each get equal time with the children. No wonder you feel "managed" -- your wife isn't allow for equality between you two.

If it was me, I'd demand equal time -- but I am a bit of a confrontational bitch with relationship issues so take that for what it's worth. ;)

Lead by you about what is important to you that your family should talk about.

After drdad and I left the cult (mercifully together) we began a tradition called "The Sunday Talk." After dinner on Sunday we talked with our four sons about whatever was important. Things going on in town, why it is a bad idea to get drunk, news from extended family, politics - what ever. Sometimes one of them would lead as well.

It was always a nice time.

We later progressed to reading aloud at every family meal while everyone finished eating. One of the sons had congenital condition that causes him to eat very slowly so we would read until he was done eating. We did that until that oldest one was in HS.

Chronicles of Narnia, lots of Louisa May Alcott, Madeline L'engle. We all loved the stories and sometimes we all stayed for an extra chapter even if everyone was done eating.

She has cut you and your daughter off.

Here is what I would do. Let your wife do her FHE and insist that it is known as FHE.

And on the FHE night you and your daughter should hold your own FHE, and do some really good fun stuff, either in the house or go out and have fun. Excluding your wife.

After a while, see what happens.

I suspect that if yer FHE was something like lasertag or videogames and eating something delicious afterwards the other kids will start asking to attend yer family night instead of yawning through DWs lessons. Anything beats reading scriptures or more church lessons.

The other idea is tell your wife you'd like to alternate. One week you put up with her zzzzzzzzz... er lessons and on the other weeks you plan the fun. You get to spend time together and the kids will quickly see how worthless 'more Church' is.

Sithlord had agreed to give me one year before he told the kids anything. I needed that time because he had handed me such a shock. It turned out to be the shortest year ever, since I followed him after three weeks. It's not right for her to demand that you say nothing, ever. It's totally unreasonable.

I know what you mean about FHE. When I was growing up, we had FHE intermittently. When my parents decided to have it, always gave me a guilty creepy feeling because it had to be about Mormonism.

Now If we could have family time together laughing having fun, I wouldn't mind. But once the Mormon micro managed drone boredom was called for, I couldn't stand it.

Perhaps your wife just have a time to look at family photos and tell funny stories of the kids, and leave Mormonism out. Because for me, Mormonism ruined the atmosphere.

My family also had FHE intermittently. I think we had to do it once so I could get credit in my Primary class, maybe to get a bandalo badge or something. I agree that it had a creepy tone to it.

I wonder what she would think if you took the kids on a week long family vacation, without her. Would she still think it was a family vacation?

your wife is being completely unfair to you and your children and you need to man up and put her in her place..

My wife has agreed that I have equal rights to tell our kids what I believe. After all they are my kids just as much as they are her kids.

She still has family home evening, scripture study, etc. without me but it's more tenable that way. For me it would likely be a deal killer. In my opinion your wife has no right to dictate what you do and do not share with your children.

With that said, I actually don't share a lot with my children - I do a little here and there but I don't want them to feel like they are caught between me and my wife.