Does anyone have any fun stories about things you've done that your TBM brethren and sisters might find appallingly blasphemous?

The house we rented when I was in college had a pool. At some of our bigger parties, I would get pretty tanked and use the little bit of priesthood I have left to perform Mormon baptisms. The church claims that they are the fastest growing in the world...I'm pretty sure they must be counting the baptisms I performed if that's the case.

I have an artifact from my Mormon years hidden in a very visible area in my house. Whenever anyone asks about it they have to take a shot.

The few Mormons I've had over to my house found it hilarious, though I'm sure some would be very unhappy with my blasphemy.

Dressed up in my temple clothes and explained the temple ceremony to my teenagers. Really made them see what the word "cult" is all about.

Thanks for the idea CA Girl. I kept two pairs of garments and my full temple getup. I just had an inkling that I should keep them. My kids aren't old enough to appreciate how crazy TSCC is but when they are I can dress up and show them first hand.

Re-baptized my
8yo 'in the name of the faaarter, and the buuuuttt, and the hoooolly unnderpantsss.'

My friends and I talk about Jesus like he's a sock puppet. Whenever we want to do something, we put that desire in the mouth of Jesus. For example, we might say "Jesus wants me to have a beer." or "Jesus and I are going to order a pizza."

We might also invoke Jesus to validate some statement or increase the strength of some demand. "Hey, Jesus was asking about that ten dollars you owe me." or "Can I borrow your circular saw? Jesus and I are working on a project." or "Jesus gets a hard-on looking at your sister."

It's the same thing that goes on in the Mormon church. For example, they might say "It's not your money. It's the Lord's money." or "We don't know why polygamy was necessary -- only that God commanded it." The needs of God and/or Jesus seem to coincide with the needs of the Church or the person in charge of the Church. It's funny how that works.

Makurosu, I've been having a horrible day, but this post made me laugh out loud! I hope you don't mind if I start using this - it's just too funny not to!

Please do! Why should believers have all the moral superiority? :-)

And I hope your day goes better.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/11/2013 10:41PM by Makurosu.

Maybe "Jesus wants me for a sunbeam" could refer to something sexual?

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/11/2013 11:38PM by ducky333.

I dressed up in my temple clothes for some friends.
After all the hilarity it invoked I then told them about the ceremony & gave them the secret passwords & handshakes to get into heaven.
It was strange putting them on again, but in my own home & in the context I was doing it it was actually quite therapeutic.

I also resort to talking about the temple. At parties I show people how to get into heaven! On New Years Eve I even dressed up in some makeshift temple clothes :P

Way before I officially left, I smuggled beer & smokes into my dorm at Ricks, skipped church and religion class and after I got home I continued to drink and smoke, skip church...NEVER, EVER read the BofM, never dated Mormon girls....ewwwww....and enjoyed the pleasures of the flesh....the whole dressing up in yer Rocky Mountain Surf Shirt and tellin' all the secret stuff is waaay cool, but I never got to the temple...but love reading about it here...

Ron Burr

Ahem...
This is totally shameful, but I have used bom/quad pages as part of a mixed media art piece, and also,(this is my favorite!),
bbq kindling.
And yes, I am a bitter, bitter exmo who cannot leave churchco alone :)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/12/2013 01:29AM by Susan I/S.

(***WARNING--ADULT***) I expect this to be deleted.

I love the "Jesus" idea.

Jesus told me to watch all the porn I can and then practice what I learned so I can know what it feels like to be a dirty, nasty girl.

Jesus wants me to go buy a case of Astroglide so I can be better subservient to you, Master, when you put me in bondage in the basement. Jesus told me to serve you however you want and whenever you want, even if I'm bad and you have to spank me.

Jesus said he wants you not to wear anything under your pants next Sunday, Brother BigBoy--and I won't wear anything under my skirt either (I never do)--so we can sit together in the back in SS and get to know each other (and I'll bring Astroglide if you want to rebaptize me in the ...font).

Jesus said don't worry about turning water into wine; the county liquor store in AF has it already mashed up for us and in big ole bottles. Isn't that nice? Only he doesn't want me to drink it alone, Brother Bruiser. And Jesus said it's good for you--it's in the Word of Wisdom or something--if you lie down and I pour it all over your body and then it's kinda like a baptism and I can work really hard to get every last drop off of you in a special way so you can always be resurrected. And then you can do it to me, too.

Jesus told me I had to give you this big glass of wine in your soda at dinner, Elder, and then tie you to my bed so I can call out all the evil that's just dying to spew forth out of your wicked, wicked body. And he told me I could do it all by myself cause I have my own kind of special oil. My roommate is already calling things forth from your companion next door. See, I hear him talking to Jesus now, too.

Jesus told me he wants me to have a 3-way with you and your roommate so we can learn what it means to gather 2 or 3 in his name.

Jesus said he wants you and me to learn a new game called Mr. and Mrs. Rover, Brother Bigendowment, and he said it's ok if we keep at it aaallll night until I get it just right. Astroglide? Oh yeah....I'm just dying to serve you like Jesus wants me to.
-----

OK, I expect this to be deleted any time now. But it was fun. I'm still imagining some of the things I missed out on for many many years. Can anyone tell? And why does this remind me of the scene in Talladega Nights (only theirs is funny) when they're at the table praying about the baby Jesus, Ferrell and the wife make out on the table, and then little boys threaten to kick the old man's ass? As the saying goes, of course I'm out of my mind--it's dark in there!



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 02/12/2013 01:06AM by ducky333.

Trying to fully understand the hymns and their meanings...

I tried this on my mission, but got the stink eye by some comps...really any hymn that starts with come, but here is a very short list of the many my mind has corrupted.

"Come come ye Saints" (With so many wives...this is literal)
"With All Power of Heart and Tongue" (Umm...)
"He is Risen" (Dedicated to Brigham Young)
"Come unto Him" (And they don't support gay marriage?)
"Rise Up, O Men of God" (AKA Polygamy)
"An Angel Came to Joseph Smith"
"When Grandpa Comes" (They went there)
"Can a Little Child like Me?" (Erm...)
"Teacher, Do You Love Me?"
"Quickly I'll Obey"
"A Happy Helper"
"Our Door Is Always Open" (I'm sure it is...)

"They went there" (with Grandpa). Hilarious!

I think the really only truly "sacrilegious" (acc. to the church) thing I've done since leaving the church is talk openly about the pathetic lay ministry, curse up a storm (it helps), and talk openly and honestly about things sexual and natural, things I considered were harmful to my SPIRIT and SOUL. How foolish I was. I've had a few glasses of wine after a funeral. Nothing too bad, just like the rest of you, trying to deal with it all with humor instead of going crazy and enraged at the years wasted.

Oh, I have made plenty of fun of Joseph Smith, the BoM, and all the other crap I used to believe as sacrosanct.

And I have laughed my head off at some of the things I've read here. The towns in Utah that have phallic names, the weirdos in the Big 15, the wonderful, satirical way you've each taught me that life can go on right now. That the time was not wasted; just another life experience. One of the funniest first things I remember cracking up over was a wife who said, after they dumped the temple, that their favorite expression became "we will go down." That, and Bednar's pickle, were the firsts for me. I'll never forget how hard I laughed--it was instantaneous, breath of fresh air, freedom. If anyone remembers who that was, let me know. I'd like to thank her.

OH.MY.GOD!

I took the name of the Lord in vain.

Hi, twojedis! I've missed you! Yeah, using the name God or Jesus was a biggie for me. Now I do it all the time.

Wow. Thanks for putting things into context here! The only thing I've done besides a little drinky-drink and the occasional burlesque show with DH is join exmormon.org cuz I'm not even X'd! You all are hilarious though! OMG, and even then I still mean GOSHHH!

Oh! I almost forgot...writing-IN INK exmormon.org inside all the BOM's int he thrift stores, lol!
Bad brownie *snicker*

I haven't the guts yet to do anything like that yet. But gimme time. You are brave!

I cooked some chicken using magic olive oil.

Something I would never do because magic olive oil is by definition rancid.

It wasn't that old, and it wasn't the stuff from the little vial I kept in my pocket. Olive oil keeps for a long time on the shelf.

I printed the list of secret temple names and the date of the month they are used, then posted it on the Relief Society bulletin board.