I have been marginalized for so long that I think my definition of respect is quite muddy...I'm not sure I know what it feels like to be respected. At the risk of sounding like a classic comedian, I don't get it from my children, from their father, tscc, parents, etc...
Which makes me the common denominator...
First, respect myself, right? What *does* that mean?
In my attempts to change the disrepectful relationship dynamics with (formerly) close friends, I.e. setting boundaries, I have managed to lose those relationships...but I'm tired of being the emotional scapegoat/whipping girl.
Suggestions? Insight? Sock it to me.

This subject fascinates me because I work with a couple of people who are obsessed with being respected, and, go so far as to name the people that they think respect them--they are wrong. However, I had no response to your post because the word respect, when I stop to think about it, seems very nebulous. So I looked it up, and, HOLY Cow! There are like a zillion definitions for it and a billion ways to use it.

The problem for me is that most of the people I know have a skewed definition for it that was not in the dictionary. People think having respect for them is the same as acquiescing to them, bowing down to them--being in awe of them regardless of their actions. It isn't.

Respect could be honoring someone, or fearing something. It could be showing appreciation or recognizing an accomplishment. It could mean agreeing to disagree.

What is doesn't mean is kissing someone's ass. It also doesn't mean letting someone walk all over you. It doesn't mean that they have some kind of trump card. And that is what mormons think---that they have the ultimate celestial trump card which makes it impossible to gain their respect. It is not easy to maneuver your way through those two offensive actions unless you know clearly who you are. That is the key.

I am not interested in anyone's respect. Don't care. It's meaningless. What is that, anyway? If they did respect me it would be in reference to their own personal set of ideals, not mine. I certainly have no intention of altering my ideals in an attempt to gain their respect, because then I would lose my own self respect and all would be lost.

If someone shows you respect, appreciate it, but don't ever worry about whether someone respects you. If they treat you badly, take appropriate, well thought out action and forget the word respect.

People can only wipe their feet on you if you are laying on the ground.

+1

Are you marginalized because you are no longer a TBM? Or because the church trains men to be misogynist a-holes? I don't know your story but if you are here it's because you have found out for yourself that the church is not true. That's a brave, hard, honest thing to do. Own that. Own the legitimacy of your own spiritual journey. Own your integrity in searching for truth. Don't let your self worth be determined by others. And definitely find some new friends.

It takes time to reinvent yourself, so be kind to yourself. Rfm is here for you. :-)

from another angle,

being so relaxed & (self aware) & calm, that you do not set off your defense mechanisms

with which or interacting with, others (are invited) to use to abuse you emotionally, disrespecting you (obviously)- so when those victim like traits, which were taught earlier in life- are set off by triggers socially physically or emotionally- triggering that that trait, that self defense mechanism state or trait set- is set off-
then others around you *use it* that trait set, that aspect or defense mechanism which is a learned, formerly needed, way of surviving-
against you NOW (disrespecting you)

IF- IF you are very relaxed, calm, (not frozen in a fight flight freeze response with high pressure forcing your to freeze and hide or take anything) BUT just actually, relaxed, calm-
then that former defense mechanism which others are (invited to) take advantage of (in a social communication loop which since youre standing there youre a part of) (which meant your traits in the fight flight freeze response- engaged, others, in a way where they were disrespectful to you - & you notice now.)

Question: how to combine: less stress response

with: self monitor self aware awareness of others awareness of situation- know when to disengage (not precipitate or perpetuate a disrespectful interaction with you)

with: asserting yourself, your opinion, your existing, your joy

not required reading for someone in the church, which was submit and obey.

Maybe someone has the answers.

Yeah, it's none of my business what others think of me & am becoming increasingly self-aware...& noticing patterns that are uncomfortable, but perception is everything? Denial of feeling disrespected for so long?
I was Molly for a good three decades, educated SAHM (no career), left The Construct less than 10 years ago, lost what little identity I had, building my life from. Ground zero is a mess in middle age.
*My* Parents allied w/x @ the time, x won custody battle, moved kids to Utah & I'm still reeling from that--based on lies & their images of good (them) vs. Evil (me).

That is really a tough one. I don't even know what to say to having your parents against you at a time like that.

Deep down, we all do care about what others think of us. That is okay. We want to be liked, appreciated, understood, and yes, even respected. We just can't worry about or expect those things. Wanting respect or understanding must not inform our decisions or actions--that must come from a purer, more honest place.

There should be a level playing field for you to build a relationship with your children. The mormons are really good at sticking together to keep things in their favor. They know how to single someone from the herd. It is effective.

Just my two cents. I really feel for you and wish you the best. Hope you are doing okay.

I wonder if a primary relationship is respectful to me...it feels *not* at times, again, a pattern? Or my skewed perspective is in the way? How can I tell... when it's always been this way? How can I experience it when I'm not sure i'd recognize it? I want to feel respected in the ways that feel good for me, but it seems too much to ask another person to change behaviors to fit *my* definition of respect.people are shutting me out b/c I stood up & said what was true for me in a situation. They're dropping like flies! Not mo's, btw, but wondering what mo mind-fuckery I have going that exacerbates the situations...



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/02/2013 03:48PM by brownie.

I deeply value rfm as a source of wisdom & perspective (and humor!), especially given our shared backgrounds & diverse ones...thank you. I recently learned-here- of HSP & am processing that as well. I really am trying to understand the respect issue. )???

I have problems with understanding respect as well. I give it to others for the most part, but I tend to let other people treat me pretty badly sometimes without speaking up. I think it goes back to not feeling good enough or deserving enough which ultimately goes back to being raised in TSCC.