1)Parents who whisper in their children's ears at the pulpit - Brainwashamonies
2)People who hog the pulpit to tell about their last operatation
3)Long winded gratamonies.
4)The awkward long pause when no one wants to get up to bear their testimonies.
5)When the meeting is supposed to end and there are 20 people waiting their turn to bear their testimonies on the stand and the bishop doesn't cut the meeting when it is supposed to end making it run over.
6)The child in the pew in front of year crying and the parents don't take them out of the meeting.
Theramonies, where people treat FTM as group therapy to spew their troubles and feelings, followed by the obligatory nod to god who must be in control and is just testing them.
Also, anything involving phrases that you hear over and over and over and over and over again. It just makes the brainwashing quality that much more freaky.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/14/2011 08:11PM by CA girl.
-The whole "I don't know where I would be without the Gospel". Nothing like admitting you have no self contol to appear righteous.
-Those that ended their testimony "In the name of THY son, jesus christ". Damn, if I knew you were talking to god the entire time, I wouldn't have wasted my time listening.
What a murderous jerk I'd be without da gospel boy! I'd be up for anything from marbles to manslaughter. I'd be stealing from the poor, swindling widows, abusing the youth.
For those of you who still attend F&T meetings, this should help entertain and amuse you. Be sure to yell "bullshit" at the top of your lungs when you score a bingo!
In my ward, I swear they were having a competition to see who could feel the "spirit" the most. The members would sob themselves into incoherency over the dumbest things.
That reminds of the older aged widows who get choked up and weep at the pulpit for at least two minutes before they stutter something. The long pauses between speech during prayers and testinony really bother me.
Then there is always that brother who has to be thankful for everything out there and must mention it specifically in every prayer or testimony. Ugggh!
How about the "husbandmonies"? I have no life except through my husband and/or kids. I have been stripped of all sense of self worth and am a shell of a human being, but I have my husband, my "rock". Tears flowing of course from said speaker with bile rising within all listeners.
"I didn't like Proposition 8, but I now know that it was the spirit of SATAN which was controlling me. I'm telling all my neighbors to vote for it now (tearfully)."
I don't know what else she said, I left the chapel, slamming the door on the way out. I wonder if she knows the church was sued and found guilty, having to pay finds in California.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/15/2011 02:46AM by george.
Can you imagine if every family in the ward thought they were important enough to take up 10 minutes every single testimony meeting?
Every F&T meeting, without fail, this woman would stand up and say, "I would like to give you the monthly _____family report...." And then she would brag for at least 10 minutes.
My sick-o abusive brother stands up every testimony meeting, to tell a few jokes, to give everyone an update on his health, to talk about his GA relative, to give an apologimony that he used to smoke and read dirty magazines, and cry on cue at the end. Finally, the bishop took him aside before meeting, and asked him to cut it short, to give other people a chance to speak, but he still gets up every month, but now he begins by turning to the bishop and saying, "I know, I promised to keep it short, Bishop, ha-ha-ha."
"I am so grateful to have MY testimony in MY life, that MY Saviour loves me, and MY family, and blesses MY children, and MY spouse; that I have MY bishop to guide me, and help me in MY decisions; when I work on MY genealogy..."
The knuckleheads that dump Websters dictionary to show how smart they are. "I'm so thankful for the plethora of activities and the camaraderie that exists within the Penishood of the Ward".
My oldest brother does this in every conversation he has.
A couple was going thru a messy divorce. She stood up,railed mightily on her soon to be ex, and then, raising her hand to the square, stared him in the eye (he was sitting a couple of pews away from her), and began to cast demons out of him thru the power of the priesthood. The bishop turned off the mike, but you could still hear it all!
To the hubby's credit, he just sat there with a look that said, "Now you know why..."!
"My husband is so wonderful. I am so so blessed to have this righteous priesthood holder in my my my home (snif snif). You just can't go wrong with a Jones boy (there about a dozen of them in the stake by the way). This will be my last testimony in this ward since we'll be moving soon. My dear husband received a promotion in his company, and we'll be moving to a beautiful place. The home we're moving into is so roomy, and as a little girl I would see this home in my dreams. I always wanted a home like this, and I know that it because I have such a righteous husband that we are being bless beyond all measure. I'm not boasting (the eff your not lady), but I just feel the spirit so much and my joy is so full..."
Oh yikes...This thread just reminded me of my mother's embarrassing testamonies. I always inwardly cringed when she would get up.
Right before my brother went on his mission, he had braces and the orthodontist was worried that he wasn't ready for them off. My mom fasted and prayed (duh) and lo and behold my brother was able to get them off a week before he went to Spain. Because the universe has a sick sense of humour, there was a F&T that week so our mother went up and blubbered about how HF "heard her prayers" and "straightened his teeth just in time for his mission." He was pretty embarrassed and upset about this, needless to say.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/15/2011 10:24AM by itzpapalotl.
What about a Guest-Star-imony, where someone visiting from out of town feels to get up in front of a bunch of strangers because obviously the meeting isn't spiritual enough without them. Often paired with the Remiss-imony.