It is hard to learn about sex in the Church. My parents rarely talk about it. My married Mormon siblings don't talk about it. I have heard two comments about it from other married Mormons, but that's it, other than a talk in Church where a Church leader said, "It's the most wonderful thing in the world." (Actually one other Mormon said, "how firm a foundation!" in referring to it, and he said that if he didn't want to get married again (after a divorce) he wouldn't be dating.

I have read that married people masturbate more than unmarried people, so evidently marital sex is not the kind of thing that makes people suddenly drop all other kinds of sexual activity.

One of the two Mormons said that you should take the ideas you had about sex before marriage and muliply it by about five to get an idea of how pleasurable marital sex is. He was newly married.

This is an important subject. The amount of pleasure you expect to receive from marital sex should be one of the primary factors to consider when contemplating marriage. There are pros and cons to marriage, and sex is one of the pros (and it could even be a con, depending on the situation). So, how about it? What is marital sex like?



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 03/13/2013 12:57AM by behindcurtain.

i heard tell it's only a myth...

IT US WHAT YOU MAKE IT - erotic, playful, funny and even spiritual if you choose to make it such. I have no qualms about needing variety as a man married for over 20 years. Hard to explain marital sex if you don't have a sexual reference point - but don't discount it to any other sexual option based on rumor and pop culture.

But again - IT IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT - the sex is sex - but it is contextualized by all other facets of a marriage that can enhance or detract from the experience.

Odd and yet insightful question from someone at your stage in life -

]hope this helps and good luck

I really like this answer. Married 10 years - it IS what you make it.

I third this. Together since '94 and married since 2001, and still going strong. I love my husband, he loves me. There have been lulls in the libido dept due to serious illness, or from many weeks apart due to one or the other of us being caregivers to a relative in another state, but never have we not been honest with each other or kept communication open about sex or intimacy, and what we need or want in either regard.

There's trust. There's respect. And a hell of a lot of fun going on in this house.

It is what you make it.

Edited to add: Marrying or forming long term or life partnerships with the right person and waiting to marry until you do has its privileges. We met when I was 28, on a blind date, almost a year after I had uprooted my life 3 yrs prior to follow who I thought was the love of my life (the man who dumped me unceremoniously after 6 yrs together because something younger, bottle blonder and more stupid came along).

So, learn to know yourself, read up a little on human anatomy and sexuality, and take a few risks with the right person.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/13/2013 08:36AM by bookratt.

I think... A LOT of it is based on your childhood experiences;
what was your parents attitude (tough to hide an attitude):

did they respect each other?

did they steal a kiss, cop a feel in front of others?

as usual, healthy/wholesome nudity at home is the Complete Answer, ha ha.

Everyone will have a different answer.

Everyone comes with different expectations, conditioning, feelings, and even physical responses.

Pick the right partner for you, and you'll both be a lot happier.

Personally, I think it's really nice to be with someone you trust and can relax with. If you are more comfortable letting your guard down, that's good but if you are like me and have trouble trusting people, it's great to have a spouse you can trust and try things with. I also think I got really lucky with my husband's attitude toward sex, which is uh...earthy. He's very comfortable with it and one of the few swipes he's ever taken at Mormonism (and one of the few times he's sworn) is back when we were TBM and I made some comment about something a GA said about Mormon marital sex rules and DH replied "the church better stay the hell out of our bedroom."

Yeah, I got lucky with this guy.

Actually, there is strong evidence that people who are in any kind of sexual relationship are prone to masturbate more often. I actually read that on the Planned Parenthood website under an article concerning myths about masturbation. I don't know if it is true, but it had its own cited sources.

Now as far as marital sex being greater then non-married sex, the claim is kind of dubious coming from guys who claim to only do one. Maybe to someone who is pious, it feels better, since they have less guilt involved, but other then that, I don't see a difference. Sex is sex, and how you feel about the person is independent of the current status of your paperwork.

Sex is just like playing basket ball, some people are MUCH Better at it than others. some people can slam dunk and others can not, and they will NEVER be able to.

this is going to get a hate response, ( most likely from those who have just been accurately described) but some women have ZERO sexual response. ZERO! oh yah they can have sex, in technical terms -just like a bag of concrete can be screwed too, TECHNICALLY, if a person works at it hard enough. and these women can get pregnant too which is all the church cares about, but its loser deal !

MORmONISM wants you to blindly pick a mate, and stick with the deal for life no matter how sour it is.

Okay, some women show zero response... with YOU.

Let's just be fair and note that some men have ZERO lovemaking skills and couldn't find the magic button with two hands and a map.

Just because your experience includes at least one frigid person, that does not mean that many, most, some, or all women have zero response to sex. It could mean they are not getting sufficient stimulation and do not know how to communicate what they need, especially if they were brought up in a cult that brainwashed them to think that ANY response at all to sexual stimulation makes them a bad, dirty, dangerous, evil sinner.

That door swings both ways, is all I'm sayin'. Your experience is not everyone else's experience. Trust, respect, and communication between two emotionally healthy adults would solve a lot of problems that people have in the bedroom. Don't generalize to everyone based on poor experience with one or a few people. Also, if ALL of your experience confirms your assertion, then it's possible that the lover with poor skills is YOU, not the woman you're with.

Brief, infrequent, overrated, fun, self-serving.

The sex is as good as the relationship--no better, no worse.

It is possible to close your eyes and endure bad sex, but the minute you open your eyes, you start looking for something else.

Married 20yrs. yesterday. It's damn good.

From my experience the sex is only as good as the marriage. In my 20 years we've had some good times in both but unfortunately right now the sex is— like the marriage— not that great.

Edited to add: Actually it' nearly non-existent.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/13/2013 01:03PM by badseed.

It totally sucks, and I'll deny it if ever questioned.

I couldn't keep up with my wife and loved it.

After the first kid though.... I might as well be 12 again.

I always heard about the first year or 2 of sex but we never really did that. Sex was pretty infrequent for us as newly weds. Don't know why. We were probably too up tight with school and career. 20 years late I feel were fighting the same battles.

If your wife/husband is not happy with your sex life, read a book, learn some skills.

Just like any other skill, it needs to be practiced and honed. My wife was fairly prudish when we married, but now is an absolute freak.

It was done with patience, love, and lots of time. Making love to you wife/husband is something that should be done all day, everyday. Caress her when you see her, not sexually. Kiss her, complement her, clean the kitchen. Be close and intimate, but not sexual. This will lead to an increase in libido.

Find out what gets her going, every female has a button to push. Some it is soft, some it is rough, some it is scary. Gently push the boundaries of her comfort zone in the bedroom until you break through the mental programming she has.

I have been with many women, and now have been married almost 20 years, and I promise you they all have the inner freak, you just have to find out how to get it out of them.

Apparently my wife suffered some sort of sexual abuse as a child in her hillbilly Utah county family. Books, yup, read plenty, so has she. Councelors, seen at least three different ones. No go. Nothing has helped. It is what it is.

That sucks. Have you tried S&M? I know this seems counter-intuitive, but in the lifestyle the sub has all the power. This may allow her to overcome repressed childhood trauma. I know it sounds crazy, but I have seen some people start to enjoy, who never could.

Wonderful....but I'm married to a never-mo...

Ron Burr

I disagree that sex is a valid reason for getting married. In my experience the only difference between sex before marriage and marital sex is the length of time I have been with my husband.

I never dated someone as long as I have been with DH so our sex life has had the gift of time (and in some cases suffered by the lack of time, but all things come around if they are important).

Trust allows for a greater variety of experiences, my marriage comes with more trust than any other relationship.

How would a TBM know if Married sex is better than non-married sex?
I admin I had a few partners. Each one was unique. I've discovered I need a balance of traits to be happy. However if I was to be one sided, There were those I would choose over others. Oh those were some long hot nights ;) ;) :)

I've been married twice and I have to say it's better with my 2nd wife because I love her. I have a friend who has had sex with multiple partners and she says that she never felt any sort of emotional attachment to any of them but every one of them developed an emotional attachment to her. I think there's something to be said about having sex with someone you love as opposed to just having sex for the sake of having sex. I think it can be used to develop a closer bond with a person you really love. I guess I would say, whether you do it within marriage or outside of marriage, make sure it's with the person you love. If you've masturbated, which I assume you have, the feeling is exactly the same in the physical sense. In the emotional sense, it's better when you're with someone you enjoy and love being with.

On a side note, wife and I just got some sex toys to spice it up in the bedroom a little bit. We've been married 11 years. I think it's important to be open to new things as long as both partners agree. I would also recommend books like "Joy of Sex" and "Kamra Sutra" to give you ideas. Anything by LDS authors I think will make you feel guilty about it. I definitely had feelings of guilt over masturbation and over homosexual feelings before I was married (I'm in a hetero relationship.) One of many issues I have with TSCC for making me feel horrible about myself for having normal feelings. Sex is something we're meant to enjoy, again, make sure it's with someone you truly love and want to be with. It does create emotional bonds.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/13/2013 12:16PM by rd4jesus.

Marital sex can be really, really risky. The longer a woman is married the greater the chance she will completely shut down sexually. It is not because she's got ZERO sexual response, unless she's seriously ill. Wanting sex is as basic as wanting food--except for women.

You've got to understand that in most places in the world, women's sexuality is really hated, feared, and suppressed by the powers that be, i.e., men. And one of those places, most definitely, is Utah. Mormon culture hates women's sexuality. A well-socialized women, and particularly a well-socialized Mormon woman, also hates her sexuality. (And not just Mormonism, most cultures and religions hate women's sexuality too).

Many women have so repressed their sexual desire they're completely dissociated from it. It's bad to want sex, so sexual desire is twisted into wanting to be attractive. (It's no accident SLC is in the highest ranks of cities for most plastic surgery). But to close the deal, the woman has to be psychologically forced in some way, because to seek sex, to be the active participant, to want it, is to be extremely bad, nasty, and unclean. Consequently, women who've never been sexually abused feel the same way as those who have been, because even to have sex, in any context, lawful or not, is to be forced, abused.

If some pre-teen made you read the Twilight trilogy, you know the main romance finally culminates in marital sex that's so "good" all of the furniture in the bedroom gets broken apart by the couple's throwing each other around. Passionate sex,lawful sex, is equated with violent sex, by a female author, and her female readers. Think about that.

So when a woman is having rebellious, pre-marital sex, she may be able to go for it. But as she becomes more comfortable and normal in marriage, the fact that in order to engage in sex she must be raped in some way begins to really wear on the woman. This situation is extraordinarily painful for both parties.

The only solution is the one suggested by the previous poster--an apparently great lover--who's got confidence in all women's inner freak. Express love all of the time, not just sexually--especially not just sexually. The woman has got to gradually drop the shell, lose her life-long socialization. It's not an easy process. Just remember, it's not her fault. It's the fault of the deeply misogynistic society she was raised in and still lives in.

Think about this: Mormon's didn't allow blacks in the priesthood; Stanford, in protest, refused to play BYU because BYU's football team discriminated against its black players by not allowing them the priesthood. Other schools joined the boycott, a tax issue arose, and a revelation followed.

On the other hand, right now, a conclave is going on to choose the leader of the world's largest religion. No woman is allowed to be chosen or even to participate. Period. Do you think if only white men were allowed in the conclave there would be a hew and cry around the world? Of course there would. If men of color were not allowed to be clerics in the Catholic Church there would be protests everywhere. Women aren't allowed in the priesthood in the Catholic Church or the Mormon Church. Does anyone care? Is Stanford boycotting? Nope.

Ask Eric Idle; he'd tell you, nudge nudge, wink wink.

It involves a lot of crying and praying just to make it through, is more guilt ridden than premarital for different reasons. Other than that, pretty good.

Marriage is a civil and/or religious cerimony. Love is an emotion. Sex is a physical act.

If you love who you are having sex with the sex is better. Oh a one night stand can be fun but nothing beats the knock out passion of a real love affair.

You can have a real love affair in a marriage if both of you really want to keep that going and it can go on for years. It's work to do that but marriage can be very rewarding. I've been married for 23 years and the sex is still great!

One thing is I had lots of sex before I got married so I didn't have that question of what sex out of marriage was like. Sex is good but real relationships are far better. Maybe part of the problem of our society is everyone is chasing the quick thrill more than building lasting relationships.

I once told this joke to youth about to leave on a temple trip.

Does the Church believe in same sex marriage?
Of course, once you're married it's same sex, same sex, same sex...

I agree Rubicon, the more we learn about each other and what we like (which can be different from day to day and time to time) the better it gets.

We both love it though and I think that is super important, I can't imagine having a partner who wasn't as interested in sex as I am. If I had to beg, and I've had friends who pretty much do, or got turned down time after time, it would be hard to maintain a really intimate relationship, I think it would be hard to trust in those circumstances. I'm just so grateful I married someone with a libido like mine.

You're going to get answers all over the map because as individuals, our experiences are all over the map.

Personal history, culture, past experiences (or lack thereof), expectations, libido, etc - all play roles and mean that there is no "one answer".

A friend of mine was widowed 4 years ago at age 40. She's just begun dating again in the past 6 months and has been somewhat traumatized by many of the expectations and attitudes in brand new relationships by men with large porn collections.

I didn't know what to tell her - it's news to me, given that I've been with one guy since I was 21 and our sex life has been, with rare exception, satisfying and fulfilling. We both masturbate if the other is tired/sick, whatever, and neither of us is embarrassed or secretive about it.

With my widowed friend, I wonder if the influence of porn is having bigger impacts upon new relationships, particularly in the younger generations. Are expectations of sexual relationships and what they "should" be like being driven by porn, instead of the other way around? Regardless of mormonism, it's a question (what influences sexual relationships) that's been on my mind in the past few weeks.

Marital sex - any sex - can be awesome, and it can be torture, and it can be on varying spectrums in between extremes - just like so many things in life. Find the right partner who fits with you, with whom you have both chemistry and enough in common that communicating and the give/take of life is effortless, and it's heaven. Find someone with whom work is required and coping with frustration is fairly regular, and it can still be satisfying but more labor intensive. Find someone either incompatible, traumatized or hung up about it, or who uses it to wield power or control/dominate (when that's not wanted by the person being subjected to it), and it will make your life a living hell.

I'm by no means alone on RfM in saying that the promise of marital sex can be pathologically warped, twisted, and made a great deal more complicated by the destructive attitudes TSCC encourages toward normal human sexuality.

Marital sex - like so many other things - comes down to right time, right place, right person, right attitude, etc.

When I was married, our sex life was like a Ferrari



<I never had a Ferrari>