Posted by:
smeagol
(
)
Date: January 18, 2011 11:33AM
This business of leaving the church when you live right in the middle of a Mormon community with descendants of pioneers and members of your extended family all around is particularly messy. The disruption I have caused makes me begin to wonder if my cognitive freedom is worth the price. The Mormon way was my whole life. It meant everything to me. Do I really want to leave it all behind? Part of me says the truth is the best and standing up for what I believe is best. The other part of me realizes the drama, pain, and conflict I've caused even to myself.
Before my disaffection, I was happily chugging along a path that seemed to make sense to me as long as I ignored the trouble. Sure my marriage sucked and I spent very little time with my family compared to now. Sure I spent 90% of my discretionary funds on the church, God knows where the money went. etc, etc... Sure I felt guilty about everything I didn't do.
OK, I realize just as I write this I was unhappy then. I'm happy now... I'm happy in a different way. I'm happy in this deep down way that I'm comfortable with myself. But as I sit here the scaffolding is falling around me. Like I have this beautiful mansion that I worked on all my life and it is falling and crumbling around me. There is sadness and confusion and misunderstandings everywhere. There is uncertainty that would be enough to scare me back to belief if I had known the uncertainty earlier...
I realize I can't go back now without unlearning information. But I often wonder if it was worth it. The disruption it has caused me is huge. I want to let it go. I want the religion to leave my life forever but it keeps haunting me. I'm too immersed in it physically I guess.