Hi all,

My hubby agreed I could post this to get your input.

We were both BIC, RMs, temple married, yada yada yada. Now inactive and completely off the radar for several years but not open about our position on TSCC due to family concerns.

This morning, hubby got this email:

{Hubby} and {Anonforthis},

I've been thinking a lot about your family the past few months, ever since I ran into {hubby} at the gas station on {streetname}. I'm sure I don't know all the reasons you've pulled away from the church, but I do know this -- Heavenly Father LOVES the {Anonforthis} family and wants you to have access to all the blessings of the Gospel.

I'd like to help however I can. Would you be willing to visit with me? I'm happy to come to your home, or we could meet at the church, whatever works best for you guys.

Hope to see you soon!

Bishop {xxxxxx}


Hubby's response (after some discussion) is this:

Hey {firstname},

Thanks for reaching out. We are doing well. There really isn't anything which we need you to do, but appreciate that you care about us and think about us.

Hope you and your family are doing well.

-{Hubby}


Thoughts? We just want to stay on our "break" and not bothered. At some time in the future, we will resign, but that time is not yet due to extended family issues.

If you're not ready to resign, I would just expect the possibility of getting more letters and/or visits. TSCC doesn't understand people being polite. They take that as an opportunity to bother you more often. There is no escaping it until you resign and even then they may keep bothering you. I don't mean to sound so cynical, but that is the reality for many people that have experienced what you have.

Thanks Tupp,

I erred when posting it originally. Should have stated it is a DRAFT response. Haven't hit send yet.

Any edits you suggest are welcome!

well good. I would just be more straightforward and forget being polite. We have decided to attend another church. /theend. Or, We have decided to blah blah blah. Make it a statement and not an invitation to invite you back.

you released your ferrets and everybody's happier, including the ferrets.

Oh, and that you recently learned that wood floats so the whole BoM thing is bullshit.

His mindreading skill tells him you need to talk.

The moral for me would be to avoid this guy if you don't want him meddling in your business and gossiping about you.

As soon as you're friendly, they'll take that as a huge, "Yes! Please come and help us!"

GEICO translation:

"I had completely forgotten all y'all exist. But since I saw Dh down at the gas station, I've been feeling really guilty because I'm not really doing my job very well. We haven't even been talking smack about y'all behind your backs in meetings! I'll be sure to bring all y'all up. Just tell me what gossip I can pass along."

BTW, I thought your response was perfect.

You've got that down pat...were you a bishop in your past life...lol!

If I read correctly, you are not ready for your family to know or to resign but want to fly under the radar of inactivity, so in that case I think what you have written is perfect. It is succinct giving no opening that you may need "help" from him,but rather that you are fine giving the impression of "all is well" ,so don't spend time worrying about us. If there is a hint that your inactivity relates to testimony lost or sin,which sometimes is demonstrated through anger or perceived unhappiness, he will be at your hone very soon. Maybe, he will accept your response on face value or get sidetracked with more pressing needs, but I doubt it. If you respond defensively, he will think there is a big problem ( sin/offense)and must become more aware of the reason for inactivity post haste; therefore, more involved .However, as you well know, you are now no longer under the radar and will be discussed in ward council as to your inactivity and need for reactivation. So, get ready for the love bombing to begin; the executive secretary to call for appointments, the home teachers and missionaries to be at your door, the cookies on the door step. Just maybe, after enough attempts to engage you fail because you are "so busy" to keep appointments made etc.,other more pressing needs such as Girl's Camp will take over focus. If not, then you will have to be more forthright in where you truly stand. Only you know what is best for the whole of your family at this juncture in time. Isn't it tragic, we have to manipulate to keep peace? Not an authentic life, for sure. Each of us has to decide whether we want an authentic life or just play the game to survive another day. Being honest can be painful because we were indoctrinated ,so well ,in the church ,to spin everything for the greater good and happiness of all involved.Good luck.

This is nearly a "form letter" that I received from my last bishop. The "thinking of you" and "If you want to talk" now seem to me to be rehersed sentences when they receive "bishop training."

I never answer the man.

Your husband's letter was very well writtem. If bishop continues to contact your family, I would not respond.

Good Luck.

I'm sorry but I think it's really insulting that he assumes you need help just because your religious beliefs differ from his AND that he admits he doesn't know why you left for sure but assumes it can't have been for a good reason. It simply doesn't occur to him that you made an informed choice and are better off. People who leave, to the brainwashed TBM, are pitiful, in need of help and have no good reason for their exmo status that can't be prayed away. They think we need to be fixed. If for no other reason, I'm glad I am not LDS any more because assigning that implied status to all who don't agree with them is such a wrong way to go through life.

That rant over, I think your answer is pretty good. If you want to state your point more strongly so they stay away, like some have suggested, fine. But you said the main thing "we don't need any help from the likes of you." It's always better to keep these things as short as possible, especially when dealing with someone who obviously has made up his mind and made his judgment of you sure.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/17/2013 09:58AM by CA girl.

Bishop's email was benign.
Polite, nonadversarial response.
You didn't show any cards or give away your position.
That gave the bishop nowhere to go except "OK".

Agree. Your reply is a pefect "call" rather than a "raise".

I think your response is fine. With luck he might actually respect appropriate boundaries.

If you want to be snarky and send a not-so-veiled message, sign the email with your temple names.

I don't know if I find this hilarious because I just learned what temple names are for the first time (even though I was a "legacy mormon") or because its so snarky, but I love it :)

"Thanks for reaching out" will be the go ahead for him to keep reaching out.

"appreciate that you care about us and think about us." gives the go ahead for him to keep on thinking about you and conjuring up more ideas to reach out to you.

In my opinion you are leaving too many open doors for him to continue trying to reactivate you.

I do think your response is great in its politeness and succinctness, but I had the same reaction as ^^^ when I read the word, "thanks..." That is an open invitation for him to continue.

Unless you really are thankful he contacted you, maybe making a statement instead of an expression of gratitude would work better and be less inviting. Something like, "It was neighborly of you to reach out," or even, "It was thoughtful of you to reach out,"

I agree. Your response may be construed as an invitation for further pestering. But I realize that you're trying to walk a fine line.

That response is perfect.

I'd go with that.

I think your response is perfectly fine.

If he continues to push, then be more assertive in future responses.

I like the response. No need to be impolite at this point.

Instead of saying "There really isn't anything which we need you to do" I would say "There really isn't anything which we need you OR THE WARD to do." Just to be clear that you wish to not have ANYONE from the ward visiting you.

I think your reply is polite and politely sets some boundaries. The Bishop's e-mail seems polite enough and maybe he'll consider that he's done his job in good conscience. No need to be nasty yet, or maybe ever, if everyone respects boundaries.

I do like the post (by ECM) that makes it clear you don't want anyone from the ward visiting.

Sounds like a good letter to me, at this stage of your inactivity and with family concerns.

I was in a similar circumstance but the bishop's secretary called to set up an appointment for me with the bishop. I responded with, "Why does the bishop want to see me?". The secretary said, "Oh, I'm sure it's nothing." I responded with, "If it's not about anything why should I bother to meet with him?" Silence. So I said, "If the bishop wants to call and tell me why he wants an appointment with me I'll be happy to give him my answer." End of phone conversation. Bishop never called. I moved away and later resigned.

Your bishop may or may not give up so easily but I suggest continuing, as you have, to hold onto your power position. You and hubby may want to coordinate a plan of action/inaction just incase that is not the end of it.

Others here tell stories of unannounced visits at the doorstep. Just remember that your home is your castle and you have no obligation to open the door or even respond to unannounced visits. A polite response, as you sound like a polite person, might be to respond that you are not available to unannounced visitors but thanks for their concern. You might also throw in that you have already communicated with the bishop recently. Good luck. Hope your email does the trick and it stops there.

It's the assumption that someone is rude or nasty if they don't kiss up and thank mormons who are clearly are only paying them attention because it's their calling.

Here are some kind responses which I do not consider "rude" or "nasty."

1. We're doing great and have no need of help.

2. We'll let you know if we need help but we are doing just fine for now. In fact we've won the lottery and the kids have all won academic awards in the last few months.

3. We appreciate the offer, but we laughed about the "needing help" assumption since we're all doing especially well these days.

4. Actually, when I saw you at the gas station, I thought I might offer you help. I thought you looked a little pale and stressed. As for us, we've never been better.

5. No response. Ignore the bish.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/17/2013 12:53PM by Cheryl.

Cheryl Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> It's the assumption that someone is rude or nasty
> if they don't kiss up and thank mormons who are
> clearly are only paying them attention because
> it's their calling.
>
> Here are some kind responses which I do not
> consider "rude" or "nasty."
>
> 1. We're doing great and have no need of help.
>
> 2. We'll let you know if we need help but we are
> doing just fine for now. In fact we've won the
> lottery and the kids have all won academic awards
> in the last few months.
>
> 3. We appreciate the offer, but we laughed about
> the "needing help" assumption since we're all
> doing especially well these days.
>
> 4. Actually, when I saw you at the gas station, I
> thought I might offer you help. I thought you
> looked a little pale and stressed. As for us,
> we've never been better.
>
> 5. No response. Ignore the bish.


Good suggestions! You could respond with the ex-mo version of the "Christmas letter"......everything is wonderful, kids are above average, recently got a promotion and a big raise, took a 2nd honeymoon trip, .....

That will play with his head! How could this be? Their lives haven't fallen apart and decended into darkness?

OP here - Thanks everyone! Hubby sent the letter a few minutes ago, after we talked about your suggestions. I really appreciate all the responses.

Hey {first name},

It's thoughtful of you to reach out. We are doing well. There isn't anything which we need you or the ward to do, but appreciate that you care about us and think about us.

Hope you and your family are doing well.

- {hubby}


Just to be safe, I guess hubby and I should discuss what to do if we become a project and the love bombing commences with unannounced visitors bearing cookies at the door. :)

It's a good idea to come up with a strategy, if you're now on his radar.

We've decided to spend Sundays with the family instead of 3 boring-mind-numbing hours at church.

Guarantee Sundays together with family will do your family more good than all the pew sitting in the world. Cheers!