When you have convinced yourself during a relationship that there was enough attraction and chemistry to keep the new forming relationship together, how do you break it to the other person that there isn't and that you want to break up? My bf and I have had a bumpy relationship, and I just can't keep working at it. It's too much work. We've been having sexual issues revolving around his impotency. He's 40 and I'm quite a bit younger. He doesn't seem to think it's a problem that he gets ED quite a bit. I see us as having a fundamental incompatibility in the intimacy area. I have no desire to be intimate at this point. When I break up, do I tell it to him straight or sugar coat it? I don't want to hurt the man...

But before anyone goes judging me as being unsupportive and heartless, there are a few things about his character that just do not work for me. Here's a quick story that I (now) find humorous. A few months ago, I was sick sick sick with the flu. I had a fever of 101 degrees. He offered to come over to "take care of me." I said ok (he was upset at me during this time for bringing up some of our incompatibilities) so he comes over and has brought himself a burger and fries from H Burger and says, "I didn't get anything for you." I thought he was kidding at first. I mean, he offered to come visit a sick person and didn't even bring me tea or offer to pick me up chicken soup. Sorry, but I think that's basic manners. Anyway, I laughed, thinking he was joking. He wasn't. He ate the entire meal in front of me. He offered me his left over fries. I said no thanks, they'd scratch my inflamed throat. Then he asked if I could grab him something to drink.

Anyway, I just don't know what to say about the relationship. I am really guilt driven and tend to try to rescue people from their emotions- Mormon woman thing, I guess. Also, my family was pretty dysfunctional in that sense. So telling him, You ain't doin it for me, Babe, won't work for me. I just don't know how much truth to tell him. I have been agonizing over this for weeks and weeks.

Fork, neck , curb in that order

I would just tell him you don't think you're compatible enough in general to stay together and that you want to be single. Because it sounds like sex is only a small part of why you don't completely get along.

You could always use the George Castanza line from Seifeld: "It's not you; it's me." ... :)

There's something missing there in his feelings/empathy department. When my kids were school-age and had to stay home because of sickness, I always brought them lunch. I usually checked with them to see what they were wanting (or could eat), and I brought it to them and ate lunch with them. I enjoyed it, and they did, too. It's what you do when you love someone.

It appears that the intimacy thing isn't the only problem, but it's big enough (no pun intended) to really affect your relationship in a negative way. You deserve a good, healthy, physical relationship.

I don't know how you're going to end this without hurting him. It's going to hurt no matter what you do/say. But I think you're on the right track when you realized that it is just too much work.

Tell him that you NEED intimacy, and someone who can/will show empathy and consideration. Tell him it's not working, and you can't see it working in the future. You've decided that your path in life does not follow his - you're going in different directions and you cannot keep forcing your car to go the same way his is going.

You do not owe him lengthy explanations.
The guy sounds like a real jerk anyway, with too many problems, and you are smart enough to see this.

Keep it simple, just tell him you are breaking up with him and it's non-negotiable.
The End.

Unless he's the type who would take the reason to heart and change himself for whoever he gets involved with next, what's the point? To not have him think/speak badly of you after you're gone? Providing a good enough reason for breaking up is like providing a good enough reason for leaving Mormonism. The other party is not likely to accept the reason unless it involves you being a bad person.

I'd keep it simple: "this relationship does not make me happy. I gave it every chance, and I'm still not happy."

</relationship>

kolobian Wrote:
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> I'd keep it simple: "this relationship does not
> make me happy. I gave it every chance, and I'm
> still not happy."
>
>

I like that one. It doesn't make you happy so you want it to end. If you are quite a bit younger maybe you want children someday I don't know your situation. This burger man doesn't sound like his is caring to you. Thinking long term he doesn't sound like a winner.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/18/2013 09:44AM by subeam.

Um, so you're concerned about hurting the feelings of a heartless, inconsiderate jerk who has no empathy or compassion whatsoever? Really?

Honey, just pull the trigger on this.

"This is not working out. Here's your stuff back. Good luck with your life. No hard feelings."

Defriend, delete from your phone and you're out.

In fact, as I re-read this thread, I'm thinking the less explanation the better. You've been trying to bring up and resolve problems in the relationship that he is clearly not interested in working on. How could it possibly continue with only one of you making any effort toward it? He already knows and probably has a list of his own complaints. I really, really think you guys would both be better off just moving on. Learn from this and do better next time.

I agree.

Except I would tell him the truth and then buy him a doormat and tell him that's what he's really looking for in a relationship.

For this idiot who buys hamburger for himself? Which is the least of your problems looks like.

From what you have said sounds like you know what you need and want to do. If you made a list with a column for pros and a column with cons the con column would be the longest.

>>I am really guilt driven and tend to try to rescue people from their emotions- Mormon woman thing>>

Recognizing this is the first step. Now you have a choice. Stay in the relationship and be unhappy and unsatisfied or leave knowing that any more time in this relationship is not going to make you happy or satisfied. Don't rescue your BF, rescue yourself.

It's a scary feeling but dare I venture to say you will feel relief once you break the relationship off.

>>telling him, You ain't doin it for me, Babe, won't work for me.>>

You don't have to call him every name in the book but instead stick to "I" statements. "I don't want to be in this relationship anymore." "I am not getting what I need in this relationship." "For me there is not enough to keep this relationship going." "I am ending this relationship."

Trust yourself. You already know you don't want to stay in this relationship. Better to have a moment of anxiety now about ending this relationship rather than years of you being in a relationship that you don't want but stay to protect his feelings.

Good luck to you. You can do it.

"You ain't doin it for me, Babe, won't work for me."

If he asks why tell him to pray about it. ;)

Either way, suggest he go to doc. ED is often first sign of heart problems, hypertension, diabetes.

Next big clue: the obvious predilection for cheeseburgers and fries.

I wouldn't suggest seeing a doc however. He's on his own with that. Suggesting "hey, maybe you should see a doctor" comes off as a bit too concerned about someone who isn't very concerned about her health. I say he's on his own with his limp penis and clogged arteries. She can, and will, do much, much better.

The burger story tells you something; he is incapable of putting other before himself. In my limited experience these guys aren't worth jack when you (or future kids) need them.

I totally agree. That guy sounds like a first class jerk. Kick him to the curb.

Keep it simple. Say, this relationship is not working out for you, or it's not right for you. Most men appreciate when you are straightforward with them as opposed to making them guess.

The real problem is not him, it's you.

You need to be working on practicing accepting and speaking your true feelings without guilt.

Most, if not all, Mormon women have difficulty with this because of the brainwashing to create a false persona, a false front and look and speech that makes us appear to be perfect. As if appearing to be perfect would somehow bring us happiness! So silly, but back to reality.

I remember after leaving Mormonism that I wanted to be "authentic" but had difficulty identifying how I felt when something happened. I didn't have a connection to my own actual response. I looked for how I "should" respond. So this is step one.

Regarding your boyfriend, you have given him every chance, provided every rationale, etc, but the real question is WHY? Why are you bending over backward when you are a compassionate, loving, giving person who actually thinks of others and knows what is appropriate and what is not?

Find someone more like yourself while practicing identifying and speaking your feelings with love, until it comes really naturally. Frankly, I had to memorize things to say, like, "I'll give it some thought, but it doesn't feel right" or "I don't think so" when saying "No" seems naked and rude.

It isn't, of course, rude at all. There's nothing wrong with "No, but thanks for thinking of me." or "No thank you." WITHOUT EXPLANATION.

What a concept! Seriously, we don't owe anybody an explanation when you are an adult. The cult has given you a childish mentality that tells you that you cannot say no without explaining why. Garbage!

Here's what speaking your truth with love sounds like while breaking up with a boyfriend for any reason:

"Frank, we've given it a go and the relationship just isn't working for me. Your stuff is in a box on the porch and I wish you the best."

But, but why?

"I am not sure -- it just isn't there for me."

Don't be specific because there is no need to be hurtful. No matter what you said--you chew with your mouth open, you smell bad, you are not sexy, it would be hurtful so just keep your reasons to yourself. Your reasons --ALL YOUR REASONS FOR ANYTHING-- are private.

Best

Anagrammy

Agreed about the whole Mormon women guilt thing. I notice Mormon women apologize when someone runs into them. It's not in our nature to stand up for ourselves. It just hurts my heart though to make someone else sad. But, I definitely won't stay in a relationship in which I'm miserable. I may, however, run away to Mexico and change my name to Guadalupe del Rio Azul and never be heard from again.

In all truth though, he isn't a bad person. He donates a lot of money to Planned Parenthood. He throws parties and invites friends over. He's not a bad guy- he can be a jerk once in awhile though. Swear to Jeebus, that hamburger thing played out just like I told it. I do feel that I HAVE to say something. I know myself, and there's no way I could just say, "This isn't working. Hasta la vista." Also, we have a lot of friends in common, and I really don't want to be seen as Enemy #1. I will work on my script though of I statements and keep it brief. No matter, I will be better with the relationship not working...

I think it's going to be a process in my life to stand up for myself unapologetically. Really hard to do when you're used to repenting for every damn thing. I've been out of the Morg for over 5 years and it takes awhile to deprogram. Thanks for your replies.

Well, this is just a snippet. I'm sure the guy isn't all bad or you wouldn't be with him. However, he is missing a bit of a sensitivity chip and seems to consider himself before you. I would just tell him you want to move on. You gave the relationship a go long enough to know you don't want a future together. I would say at your age you should find a functioning male. I don't want to put down people with impotency issues but you are very young.

What you have on your hands is a 40 year old loser who can't get it up and is selfish to boot.
He probably has a fast-food physique too.

Speak up, woman.
You are too kind in the way you see him and/or treat him.
Let him be some other woman's problem.

You can do nothing for yourself, all by yourself.
You don't need him around doing nothing for you.