Ok imagine you are so ill you can hardly keep any fluids down and barely any food, you've lost 8lb in a week, you are so weak you can barely rise from bed. constant nasuesa and vomiting up to 10 times day. you have 2 young children and also work full time as the main bread winner, you are on the verge of personal insolvency but if you can keep your job and keep working you might just by being careful avoid this, however with this illness which will go on for many months yet this will no be possible. You did everything you could to prevent this illness as you desperately didn't want it to happen again....The aftermath of the illness is much more work than money than the illness it's self..... a baby.

I have found myself where i never thought i'd be - with an unwanted pregnancy. I was actively preventing but sadly 99.9 means that 0.1% it fails for - and i happened to be that unlucky. for the first time in my life i am not relgious and i have a new option open to be - termination of the pregnancy (it's still early not even a 1 cm big yet). yet i still feel guilty, and can't get all the mormon(well most peoples) thoughts of what i'd be doing out of my head.

my reasons for are: i can only afford 2 - financially, emotionally and physically my body just breaks down when having kids and what i mentioned above is only part of it. My husband says its my body and he understands my reasons for ending but i think he still kind of wants it, but no one understands how hard this is unless they have suffered with the same conditions - lets just say i feel suicidal at times,

At night it's all i can dream about babies and stuff and when people here that i'm sick the first thing people say ohhh are you pregnant? i just wanna punch them in the mouth. I can in my own head only go though with it before i'm 8 weeks which is soon , but this is not a choice to be made lightly, as i told my husband it's now or never i'm never going through this again and if he doesn't get his nuts tied i will get my overies done (more expensive)

Has anyone else been in this position? what choice did you make? how did you feel whichever way you went? I'd appreciated no personal attacks, i'm quite delicate mentally at the moment.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/17/2013 11:29PM by anonmouse.

oh girl - you are not alone. In fact your life and happiness is the most important. It is yourlife and your body. If only you could see your life 5-10 years from now. If you are not ready - YOU ARE NOT READY. Take care of yourself. You are the most impotant thing.Your husband does understand - don't double think it, embrace his support. You are not alone at feeling suicidal at times, this is a normal feeling at such an overwhelming moment. Its so important to take care of yourself - YOU are worth it.

Even as a TBM, I always thought abortion was a viable option. To me, less than 8 weeks, it happens naturally with great frequency - what's a little help?

The key word you used was "unwanted" - why would you bring a life into this world when you don't want it? What is better, terminating something that is not sentient, or being stuck with a human its entire life?

I personally would not feel guilty. If it happened to me at my stage of life, I know exactly what I would choose.

Don't bring an unwanted baby into this overpopulated world. Abortion is an option and there is NO SHAME in that. We support you here.

I found myself pregnant when I was living with my TBM parents after a bad divorce. I actually wanted it but my bf at the time did not. He said he didn't know how he would tell his parents. We were planning on getting married anyway, but he just didn't want another child. It would have been a difficult situation and my TBM parents probably would have kicked me out of the house. I had a 2yo at the time. It was a hard decision but I had an abortion. It's something I still think about. I don't regret it now, but I know what you're feeling. You are not alone.

You have to do what you need to do. Period. Don't let anyone tell you that you are wrong or evil.

I am going to ask you some things, & it's not meant to be judgemental, & I apologize in advance if I do offend you. Were you on oral birth control? Did it fail? Have you decided what you're going to do afterward - tubal, norplant, depo shots, IUD, if you decide to have an abortion?

That just stinks all the way around. It's horrible to be in such a situation. I wouldn't judge you for it either way. I honestly don't know what I'd do if I found myself in that situation. No way in hell do I want more kids, or another pregnancy and delivery, and yet I get that it's super hard to overcome a lifetime of brainwashing.

I was never supposed to have a kid, but I got pregnant (miraculously???) right as I was changing jobs and moving out of state. I was super depressed about it, very sick, and afraid. It changed my whole vision of my life and I really, really, didn't want it.

But I didn't get an abortion and now I have a two year old boy and it has been really hard and expensive. However, I am glad now that I kept the baby. I love him and I am getting used to the new life. I like being a mom, I like having a family and I like the new life in my house.

You are ina differnt situation though. You already have two kids. Hw can anyone but you make this decision? I can only say what I did and how I feel about it now and wish you peace with whatever you decide.

I understand that this is a highly personal decision, and I leave that to you. I am in no position to give advice, but you have my sympathy.

In response to the symptoms you are suffering from,it sounds like you may have Hyperemesis Gravidarum. I have it, it causes uncontrollable nausea and vomiting for the entire pregnancy, sort of like being allergic to being pregnant. I had to be on 2 medications to control it - Diclectin & Zofran. Diclectin is a med to control nausea & vomiting during pregnancy. Diclectin isn't available in the US (I'm in Canada) but its just a combo of vitamin B6 & pyridoxine hydrochloride, which your dr can prescribe. Zofran is the drug they give to chemo patients to take away nausea. My symptoms were so bad that I had to be on both meds at the same time, Diclectin alone was not enough. Having Hyperemesis Gravidarum was so horrific that there were times I wished I would miscarry or that I was dead. I will never get pregnant again, its too much.

Again, my heart goes out to you and I wish you all the best in making a very difficult choice.

HI daydream, you are exactlty right, this is my third time with it, i was in an out of hospital on a drip and those drugs and also had to be be tube fed at times. the first time i was in my mid tweties it was horrific but i coped, the second time in my late twenties it was harder and worse, and i sore never again. now in m 30s my body is ready to give up just a week or 2 into it. It's nice to talk to someone who has been through it. as with many things in life no one understands unless you have been there. people just right me of with normal morning sickness. they dont understand i have tissues in my hand constantly because i an't even swollow my own spit without wanted to throw up :(

thank you so very much for your kind and helpful words, with so many people around me who are very religious there is just no one other than my husband i can talk to about this.

as for birth control - yes i was on the full pill, took it 100% correctly, I have been doing some research and found out that if you are overweight it doesn't have the same effectiveness % - nice of the DR to remember to tell me that.... (not).

MY husband has agreed to get a vasectomy, and if he doesn't i'm looking into getting steralised myself. it's just cheaper and better reversed if he got his done.

Where i live it's a very complicated process to get it done so far i've had 3 drs appointments, a scan bloods, swab, next i have to see a Councillor, social worker and a nurse and a Dr again for final sign off. of course i ca back out at any time. my main concern is making sure husband really is behind me on this and stops making comments about what if we kept it.... thats not helping.

It was one of the most anguishing times of my life. For weeks, I hoped that I would miscarry, as I was so physically and emotionally ill. I wasn't going to abort. So, the pregnancy continued on, and he was born on time.

It turns out my son was an absolute joy to raise, and is still a joy in my life at age 24. We are very close, and I am so fotunate that he arrived in my life when he did. Nowadays, He is a scholar from a major university, and runs his own business. He is so full of love, and calls me regularly to keep our bond strong. Being his mom has truly made me a better person.

You know, if we could only see he future, when everything seems so bleak.

But that is a decision only you and your husband can make. I hope you can find some peace in this very difficult time.

We had an unplanned pregnancy last year. It's so tough. I had the baby because to me it was already part of us, a bit of me and a bit of dh and I would have always wondered wether it was a boy or a girl, who it would have looked like, what it's personality would have been like, etc. We had a boy, and while it's been tough he has my eyes and he laughs like crazy at his two brothers and I don't regret having him at all (though the timing could have been better)! I know it's a tough decision. I'm so sorry you are in it! Wishing you the best.

I think most of us probably agree that, even though we lost our faith, and perhaps have become agnostic or atheist, we however feel that we are still moral, good people , with values.

Having said that, I want to give my opinion. Personally I think it would be a worthy, commendable, noble, wonderful thing for you to give this kid a chance for a life. It sounds like it would be a huge sacrifice for you. And I don't want to trivialize that in any way, And I do want you to take the best care of yourself you can.

Adoption is an option also. And I understand that instead of receiving the praise that would be so deserved, you might receive judgment instead. it would be enormously complicated, and difficult. No matter what, this will probably be the hardest situation you'll ever face. but I do believe in nurturing life and giving it the best chance we can. And what you are carrying is a life.

I'm finding that anything a woman does, as opposed to raising her own child, is seen as being bad, evil, & shameful. This is what I find that people believe -

- Birth control is seen as being very bad. (& of course greedy men won't get vasectomies or wear condoms.)
- Adoption is seen as being very abusive. Women are evil for abandoning their children.
- Abortion is murder. How dare they kill their children.

If you decide to have an abortion, please consider going for counseling as well--couples counseling, if possible. I have seen couples experience major strains in their relationship either after having an abortion or after having a child when both partners were not completely on board with the situation. It sounds like your husband is on the fence about it, and although he is trying to be supportive, clearly some his comments are only making this harder for you, although I am sure that is not his intention.

I was extremely ill throughout both of my pregnancies, as well as suffering from excruciating back pain during the first one, so I feel for you. I wish you peace whatever you choose.

I'm 59. I had a tubal ligation when I was 30.

I'm so glad I did that. Why? I'm still not through menopause. I could still get pregnant. Can you even imagine? I can't.

My children are starting to have kids. If I hadn't had myself surgically sterilized, and became pregnant, I would have an abortion in a NewYork minute. I'm so glad I did what I did when I was 30.

If I were in your situation with so many medical complications I would probably heavily consider abortion. There are many medical situations that other people can't comprehend. You are the one who will have to live with the fallout.

Whatever you decide, I would recommend a tubal ligation in the near future. You will never again have to worry about making the decision you're now making.

I got divorced 3 years after my tubal ligation. My new husband would have liked for us to have another child (at the time). Now, he's so, so, happy we didn't. We would be going into our 60's with a child just out of high school. Instead we're looking forward to retirement and freedom from the years of responsibility.

I don't know what you will decide. I don't know if anything I said is of any help. I'm just telling you what it's like for me 30 years or so down the road. I had my kids at ages 29 and 30. I was so done after that. There are many who think different than I do though.

I'm just sharing my experience and thoughts with you. I would never judge you one way or the other.

It sounds like it would be torture to continue with the pregnancy. As a person who has chronic pain I know what it is to feel suicidal because of what my body experiences. You have two other children to raise and being incapacitated by the pregnancy is going to be very, very, hard for the whole family. Whatever you decide it is your choice, thank god for that. Your husband might want another child, but he does not have to deal with it, you do, decide what is best for your body, your mind, and your family. No one can ease the burden you will be experiencing with the pregnancy, only you can decide what is best for you. Throw away the guilt trip playing in your head and focus on what you want. It is your body, it is your choice.

Listen to your heart. I didn't.

I suffered through a really difficult pregnancy that I was not keen on. I had not really wanted kids at all, but had one "for" my husband. One was enough I thought, the perfect family for me.

Then I got pregnant a second time, too close to the first, I wasn't nearly recovered or ready. I had awful morning sickness, problems with borderline gestational diabetes, and pregnancy asthma, and other issues. I couldn't work and had trouble looking after my baby.

I struggled through, gave birth, and just thought I needed time to get over it and get my strength back. Then from about 14 months we started noticing behavioural problems in our second son. He has severe autism, and will have high, special needs for life. My life is utterly changed. My career was killed two months after I sat orals for my PhD. He will never leave home. I will have a highly dependent child for the rest of my life (which is likely to be shorter than it otherwise would have been due to to significant stress).

I should have listened to my gut. All the risk factors were there, illness, close spaced pregnancy, depression (natures way of telling you you are taking on too much). Nature aborts more pregnancies than survive, for a reason. And a mother's feelings are another way that nature communicates as well.

As much as I love my son now, ironically, if I had aborted, I may now be fantasizing about some missing perfect baby from the vantage point of much better mental, physical, and financial family health than I now experience.

ETA last paragraph.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/18/2013 02:10AM by spanner.

What would the next 7 months do to your health? How long would it take to recover? Would you recover?

What would having the baby (with complications and $$) do to your relationshiP with your husband? What would an abortion do?

How italy having the baby affect the quality of life for your two children?

Could you handle the additional financial burden or will it change the way you're living now? Would it change the possibilities of the future for your two children (college? Extra-curriculars...)?

Good luck with your decision. Hugs.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. ((hug))

My only suggestion would be to try to remember to base your decision on what is best for YOU, and not on what you believe others would think of you if you ended the pregnancy.

This programming you've received throughout your life about women who terminate pregnancies being "evil" is based in religion and culture. The subject is only controversial to "most people" in certain regions and within certain religious communities. In other areas, and to secular and less fundamentalist religious people, it isn't a controversial issue at all. It isn't murder. It is a medical issue, pure and simple.

I know how difficult it is to throw off a lifetime of
religious indoctrination, but try to step back and remove all thought of what you believe TSCC or anyone else would think about it, and make your choice from there. Either way, you have been responsible, and you have no reason to feel guilt, no matter what you choose to do.

It infuriates me that women are constantly guilt tripped about this situation. No argument stands up!!!!

Denying a body to a spirit? Even if I believed that, what sort of God would it be who would allow that to be some Spirit's one shot? This argument is an evil lie!

Do what is right for you!! If it was unplanned, I would suggest you don't even need worry too much what your DH thinks (I speak as a husband myself here), unless he's talking about taking on all caring responsibilities for the child.
Your life. Your health. Your responsibility. Your choice.
We all live everyday with the consequences of our choices. Don't let anyone think they can tell you what the consequences for you will be.

My wife had an abortion after she had some health problems early on. The doc suggested it, and after we really thought about, we figured it was the best thing for her sake. Besides, no brain at that stage, nothing to really kill.

I just had an "aha" moment last week regarding abortion. I realized that, now that I am no longer living under the "guidance" of the mormon church, I get to be an adult and actually make decisions and form my own version of morality. Life is easier when someone else tells you what to do, but ever so much better when you get to decide what's best for you.

On a practical level, I do early ultrasounds as part of my job. At eight weeks, there is a heartbeat, but the embryo is really not recognizable. By 10 weeks you've got little arms and legs, so if you're going to terminate, sooner is better than later.

Interestingly, I was having a discussion with my uber TBM family doctor once. He seemed to have ambivalent feelings about abortion, and reminded me that God is responsible for a whole lot of miscarriages, or "spontaneous abortions" as we refer to them.

Whatever your decision, I wish you health, strength and peace in your heart.

You may still be eligible for a medical abortion. It seems a bit more like a miscarraige and may help with the guilt aspect, but it takes longer than just going and getting the procedure.

It's a really hard decision to make, I know.

When I was a teen I had one, I honestly think I was so desperate though that I would have attempted to do it myself if it weren't legal. I was absolutely desperate. Father was a royal asshat, my parents were the biggest jerks ever.

It's a personal decision and know you have the love and support of others regardless of the choice you make.

I'm so sorry you find yourself is such difficult circumstances - physically and financially.

I think it is crucial for you and your husband to speak to a counselor/therapist to discuss how each of you truly feel about the pregnancy, your health issues and abortion.

The decision is not just about the unborn child. You have two young children who are depending on you and need you to be healthy and well to take care of them.

If you decide to terminate, counseling after-the-fact would be helpful. Some women who had no doubts about aborting have had regret and depression that did not surface till long afterward. Be aware that can happen and address it right away.

I pray that you and your husband are at peace with whatever decision you make about the pregnancy.