seriously? I just saw an ad for this. They are trying to sell rooms for seniors. I did a job shadow at a senior living center. It was heartbreaking. I talked to several seniors that day that hadn't seen their loved ones for MONTHS. It broke my heart. They are the truly forgotten ones. Can you imagine dying alone in a nursing home?

I picked up a second job at a local nursing home as a bingo caller about a year ago. There was an elderly lady screaming, "help me! Help me!"

She kept saying it over and over. It was breaking my heart. The nursing staff was ignoring her and was chatting away happily at their desks.

I finally said, "can you help her? I think she needs help."

Their response, "oh she always does that."

I quit that night and never went back. That poor old lady was lonely. I just wanted to hold her and tell her it was ok.

Interestingly enough, the same nursing home (supposedly under new management) almost managed to kill my grandmother when she was there for physical therapy after pnuemonia.

New management is better than bankrupcy. The nursing home my DW nurse used to work for, which Nurse Ratchet got her fired from, is closed down. Three lawsuits, and Nurse Ratchet sentenced to 7 years in the pokey.

I met an old Mormon guy that is over 90. His TBM wife died 20 years ago. His children rarely visit him. He was SO happy to see me that day he made me a present. I know exactly what you're saying. It breaks my heart.

was in a nursing home for about a year when she was 85 or so. She was really angry at first, then kind of liked it. Then, the last time I visited her, she knew that she knew me, but didn't know for sure how. She was talking like she was a teenager. She had always been lucid before that. For some reason, I always got there when they were having dinner and so I got to see how they all acted. All the women she ate with deteriorated gradually and you could tell NOBODY came to see them.

Anyway--I was so upset when I saw her the last time. I ran into her granddaughter a few days later and she said her daughter had moved her back to her house and was living with her.

I agree--it was horrible watching it happen. I was so pleased she got to go home to die. My dad never spent any time in a nursing home and my mother was only in one a few days after each hospital stay.

You want to believe it is different. It isn't.

My PapPap was in a rehab nursing home for some months after having his leg amputated. Every day, either my mom, my two aunts or an adult cousin would visit him. I would go with my mom on a weekend when I was home from college.

He shared a room with 3 other men. One was a guy in his early 20's who was driving drunk, missed a curve and ran his car under a parked tractor trailer. It took out a large chunk of his skull & brain and left him uncommunicative and mostly unresponsive.

The whole time PapPap was there, none of us saw the young man have a visitor and his family lived in the town next door. I found it so sad and wondered if the guy knew on some level that his family didn't visit.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/20/2013 11:30PM by janebond462.

I'm so glad I was able to keep my husband at home and he was able to sleep in his own bed for most of his illness and declining health. The hardest time for him was that #$%#$ hospital bed in his room - that he no longer recognized. He never wanted to be an invalid, but it happened, but for only a few weeks, fortunately.

The hardest thing for me was trying to manage his pain. So many parts of his body shutting down. I had some help a couple of times a week from Hospice Nurses who are cut from a different cloth!And lots of medications! And great support.

One of the last memories were funny ones. In the dying process (which is different for everyone) the "filter" was gone and a man who never swore ... swore, (bullshit!) with gusto at my answer when trying to explain something. I had to leave the room, I was cracking up!!

Our children all came to visit (it was Christmas time) and my oldest daughter was here a few days longer and saw what was involved, and gave me a greatly needed relief for a few days. She'd hop up and be in his room faster than I could (in that removable cast!). She saw some of the difficult times, and the funny times.She spent her Christmas with her dad and I while her husband spent Christmas with their daughters in another state.

It was difficult to see his robust body shut down, become nothing but skin and bones, but he was alert and happy - gradually less and less. And yes, he needed a lot of comfort as he had hallucinations from time to time. I did a lot of "fixing" those things.

And the night before he died, he still had his sense of humor and smiled (he couldn't really laugh) at something that was said. One of our friends was here with two of the Hospice Nurses and I in the room, and cherishes that moment.

I spent several years in a business I created: Elder Services and saw dozens of elderly folks in various homes. Some had family close by, some did not. A lot depended on their level of health and their ability to get around. Because of my experience, I knew that I would keep my husband at home and take care of him 24/7 until he died. And I did. I wouldn't have it any other way.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/20/2013 11:42PM by SusieQ#1.

SusieQ, you are the kind of family member I want for my patients. I am a home healthcare nurse and have cared for many declining patients in their homes and in assisted living facilities (ALF's). I have an ongoing debate with my sister about the wisdom of putting her MIL in an ALF in a distant state, with no family nearby. Although it one of the premier facilities on the East Coast, with all of the top-flight medical care, country club atmospere, and fabulous guest activities. These amenities CANNOT replace the healing properites of personal visits from loved ones!

Good for you SusieQ. You gave hubby the best possible send-off, according to his wishes. I know it was hard - especially with that broken foot - but YOU DID IT. Now it's time to take care of yourself.

Love,
Shannon ;o)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/21/2013 01:06PM by shannon.

shannon Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> SusieQ, you are the kind of family member I want
> for my patients. I am a home healthcare nurse and
> have cared for many declining patients in their
> homes and in assisted living facilities (ALF's). I
> have an ongoing debate with my sister about the
> wisdom of putting her MIL in an ALF in a distant
> state, with no family nearby. Although it one of
> the premier facilities on the East Coast, with all
> of the top-flight medical care, country club
> atmospere, and fabulous guest activities. These
> amenities CANNOT replace the healing properites of
> personal visits from loved ones!
>
> Good for you SusieQ. You gave hubby the best
> possible send-off, according to his wishes. I know
> it was hard - especially with that broken foot -
> but YOU DID IT. Now it's time to take care of
> yourself.
>
> Love,
> Shannon ;o)


Thanks Shannon!
You "Get it"!!
As a spouse, I rose to the occasion and did what was needed using all I knew. I was his advocate when he couldn't do it himself. He had a DNR and we discussed end of life plans. We also had a Trust and wills.

I had no idea how exhausted I was. But I'm beginning to get a little of my stamina back - while the foot is finishing healing. I'm still walking like a penguin sometimes!! hehe

It's a big job, redoing a Trust as a survivor, changing all of the accounts, and taking care of all of the business associated with the death of a spouse. Fortunately, we had a lot of the plans in place, including his LDS services which he approved!
I called it his "Going Away Party" !! hehe We had a terrific bishop. Everything was done according to his wishes!

YES..people need loved ones around, even if they are not aware they are there. I know how hard it is. I was so proud of my family for being so willing to spend time with him even when he was not doing well at all. It cheered him and was great support.

One of my relatives works in a nursing home. He says that when he feels himself starting to slip, he's going to eat all the sugar, salt and fat he can, hoping the end will come fast. With his high blood pressure, it probably would. He never wants to live in a nursing home. I know he's being tongue-in-cheek but he sees what goes on with some of these people and it's hard to watch. The nursing home he works in is nice, clean and has a great staff. But some people never get visitors and others don't remember they were visited an hour ago. People who have been known for their sweetness and patience during their lifetimes develop mental problems where they are angry, throwing poop at the nurses and swearing up a storm. Other patients ring the bell every five minutes, just or some attention. Patients steal other patients belongings and swear it's theirs or spend time looking for clothes or letters they never received.

His stories are why I hate the fact my parents are determined to not "burden" us. They have the financial means to stay in a nursing home where they live - a full days drive from both their kids. I can't imagine having my mom somewhere I can't check on her every day to make sure she is getting proper food and medical care and no one is being mean to her. The thought makes me crazy. Right now, it's not at all an issue with their age or ability to function but looking toward the future, it might be. I can understand an elderly parent can't live close to all their kids but if the kids live nearby and still choose to abandon a loved one for weeks at a time - I really don't get that. Even if they don't know who you are, they still need you.

My grandfather was an SOB all of his life. Then he got alzheimers.
He turned into the kindest sweetest person. The grandfather I always wish I'd had. Finally, I could stand to be in the same room with him.

The people who have nobody visiting them are often people who've been mistreating people their whole life. Either that, or the people they're related to don't have the finances or the ability to to be there.

My husbands grandparents went into a nursing home when they were 98. They'd always refused to move close to their kids. As a result their children lived 2000 miles away from where the home was. Their children had children, jobs, homes, etc. They couldn't just drop everything and go see their parents everyday for a couple of years.

They died within 3 days of each other. The family had their bodies shipped to the area where their family lived. Otherwise, nobody would have been to their funeral.

I guess my message is, be kind to the people who are going to be in charge of you when you're no longer in charge of yourself.

So true Mia.

mia, my grandmother that I "see" died from alzheimers. She was a sharp lady. Her husband died back in the 1970's, right after I was born actually. The day of his funeral, my parents were worried because I wasn't walking yet. I walked to his casket that day. I have seen both her and him since they died. Anyway, alzheimers is a horrible disease. My aunt took care of her for as long as possible but eventually my g-ma didn't recognize her and she threw a fit when anyone came into her room. I came to visit her once and she thought I was a friend of her daughter. She looked me straight in the face and said "nice to meet you!"

I applaud anyone that works in a nursing home. You are SAINTS!

Susie, I'm glad you were able to keep your husband at home. When I lived in CO, I volunteered for a company called LifeSpark Cancer Resources. Basically, it's a company that employs Reiki, healing touch and other energy healers. We volunteer at hospice and people's homes. It's a great resource for hospice patients. My mom died at home from cancer and I only wish she had a service like that before she went.

Tupperwhere Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Susie, I'm glad you were able to keep your husband
> at home. When I lived in CO, I volunteered for a
> company called LifeSpark Cancer Resources.
> Basically, it's a company that employs Reiki,
> healing touch and other energy healers. We
> volunteer at hospice and people's homes. It's a
> great resource for hospice patients. My mom died
> at home from cancer and I only wish she had a
> service like that before she went.


Oh my ! We didn't have those services here with Hospice. He probably could have benefited from them in the initial stages.

I was probably a little more trained (I took Hospice to be a volunteer about 15 yrs ago), took some classes sometime ago in healing touch therapy, and medically knowledgeable than some spouses. So Hospice only came a couple of times a week, one came to bathe him and on the same day one came to change his bandages (cancer tumors on outside of his leg for years). The last week they saw what I saw, a big decline so they came three times, then he died in his sleep the night after their last visit. I think he woke me up... as I found him when I woke up...just as he passed. That was surreal! I'm so thankful I had all of those experiences!

healing touch is very similar to Reiki. I'm glad you were there for your husband when he crossed. If he ever comes to me I will let you know lol`

Tupperwhere Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> healing touch is very similar to Reiki. I'm glad
> you were there for your husband when he crossed.
> If he ever comes to me I will let you know lol`


OK... Please do let me know! Maybe he can tell me where I lost my set of car keys as I am using his!! :-) I locked the car, came in the house and the next day, couldn't find the keys. That was in Jan.

I talk to dead people every day. I will tell you if your husband shows up, hell yes!

Tupperwhere Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I talk to dead people every day. I will tell you
> if your husband shows up, hell yes!


Good! I'm about ready to go to the dealership about an hour or so away and have another expensive set made! He knows how frugal I am. He wouldn't want me to spend the $$... :-)

There is another element to consider when putting a spouse in a nursing home, and that is their mental state.

Eventually, my grand father told me he just could not go to the nursing home to see my grand mother anymore as she would go into hysterics begging and screaming and threatening for him to take her out of that place, and making the visit unbearable for him and the staff and the rest of the family.

She had some dementia, possibly Alzheimer's (not sure) and I was out of state.So, I got the reports from the family. We were not sure she recognized anyone anymore and she was so hysterical and demanding and upset after the visits, they decided to space them out and not get her so riled up so often.

She died shortly after she began living in the nursing home - in her sleep, as I recall. My grandfather died a little over a year later, sitting on the couch watching TV. (My mother lived next door, and even though she was crippled from polio, she keep a close watch on him every day.)

It very difficult for the family to see their loved ones in such a declining mental state.

My much loved, and very much missed, dad had parkinsons and then developed dementia too. He went into a nursing home, and from that point I realised never again to 'judge' a family that 'has' to put someone in a nurisng home.
Dad could not have stayed at home, it was not safe. He was no longer 'Dad', could not speak, walk, or know where he was. Every visit breaks your heart all over again for many reasons. You loose a person whilst they are still alive. They don't know you.
Now Mum, again to be safe and cared for 24 hours a day has had to go to home. She too is fading. Again you loose someone while they are still here. Again you 'close down' their personal life while they are still alive.
Everyones circumstance is different - only they can be the judge of how often they visit etc.
Nuring home staff are genreally angels.Its a hard, badly paid job.
I still miss dad, but I missed him when he was alive too, as he left us long before death.

My mom, nearly 80, has been in a nursing home for about 7 years now. She is heavy and has degenerative arthritis in her back and is in a wheelchair. Her husband, who lives in their house, is in too poor health to take care of her, lift her, etc.

Mom lives in Texas. My four surviving siblings and I live in Pennsylvania, Montana, Indiana and Illinois. We try to see her as often as money and circumstances allow, but it's hard. I haven't been down in 3 years. I talk to her on the phone, but of course it's not the same.

We live in a very mobile society and it's not uncommon for families to be spread out all over the country. I feel very sad that my mom doesn't see her kids more, but there's not much we can do about it. Her husband can't drive so he sees her whenever he can get a ride. It's a nice nursing home, and she's not unhappy there, but if hubby dies first, we're going to have some big decisions to make about where she goes.

It irks me to no end that the LD$ (at least where I live, in SW Ontario), has nothing of a support structure in place.

No elder care, hospice services, facilities or support groups.

I think it's nicer when an elderly person can be cared for at home (as I did for my own mother,) but it's not always possible. People are in nursing homes, just as they are in hospitals, due to medical necessity. No medical necessity, no nursing home.

As Debbie pointed out, families can be scattered all over the country. If mom or dad haven't moved closer to their children, then family visits will be few and far between.

Sometimes there are legal reasons for that separation. A family friend was recently committed to an Alzheimer's care facility in his home state. For legal reasons, he can't be moved at the present time to be closer to one of his kids. If he had admitted to a problem earlier, and made plans, something could have been done. But he stubbornly held on to the belief that he was just fine.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/21/2013 08:23AM by summer.

it is nice that they have places for "Mom" it was just the advertising that cracked me up. It was like someone trying to sell you a crappy used car. I used to play the piano for a nursing home when I was a teenager. One time, I played and this old guy got up and said "you suck!" I had to just play until the song ended because he was obviously mentally not there.

I don't know anything about this "Place for Mom" place, but I've had some experience with various assisted living places and nursing homes. Yes, bad stuff goes on in those places. Some of it is criminally bad stuff.

But one of the things that makes it difficult to fix these problems is that it's not always obvious what is going on. When some people's brains start to malfunction, it causes some strange behaviors that are very upsetting to those of us who witness them. It is very hard to tell what is really bad and what looks really bad, but is just the ravages of dementia.

I could write a whole book (and maybe I should) just on the experiences we had with my father for 2 years. When he moved to assisted living, after my mother died, he immediately began to tell EVERYBODY that his 2 daughters had left him there and forgotten him. He had only been there 2-3 weeks one day when I went to visit him. It was the 2nd time that week I had been there, following 3 visits the week before. When I signed in at the desk, the woman (also a resident of the facility) looked to see who I was visiting, saw it was my dad, and proceeded to tell me off about never visiting him. It would have been one thing if she had never seen me there before, but she was the one manning the sign in book that last 5 times I had been there in the last 2 weeks. I was wondering if the stress of my father's decline was affecting my memory, so I looked back through the book to make sure I really WAS there as often as I thought. My name did appear in the book on the days I thought I was there.

A week later, I was in my dad's apartment after about a 2 hour visit and chatting about life. I was getting ready to leave to pick up my daughter at school when my dad's phone rang. I told him that I'd let myself out so he could chat with his friend who was calling. As I opened the door to go out in the hallway, my body still inside the apartment, I heard my father tell my godmother on the phone that neither I nor my sister had been to see him in weeks. I was still there!

As time went on, my father developed a habit of calling 911 and telling the operator to send the police because he was being murdered. After about the 3rd visit from police rushing in to find my dad watching TV, they wanted us to figure out how to make him stop.

At the place where my grandmother lived, there was a woman who yelled "Help me!" over and over. I spent a few hours with my grandmother every Thursday for 5 years, and I talked to her on the phone every night. That help me lady yelled the entire time until she died. It was awful. It scared me every time she did it, but she did it for years, almost non-stop.

I can see how the people who work in those places become hardened to it. They may become insensitive. I think they do it to preserve their own sanity.

I'm not excusing the actual abuse that goes on in these places. And I have stories to tell of that too. We really had to fight for our grandmother a few times when they wouldn't believe she needed help. But it's just not obvious where there is really trouble and where people's minds have just stopped working correctly. I really wish we knew more about dementia and could address those malfunctions so that everyone would get better treatment and have a higher quality of life.

There's always someone sitting there crying 'Help me, help me' over and over. In fact, my husband used to work for a firm that had a contract with Cantor Fitzgerald. (Yes, he lost a lot of associates in the WTC attack.) One day he was at the Beverly Hills house belonging to the Cantor who was the founder/partner of the firm, only by this time Mr Cantor had Alzheimers. He told me that old Mr Cantor was sitting in a wheelchair alone in a room saying, 'Help me, help me,' over and over. The scene was so vivid in my mind, I could see him sitting there surrounded by his art collection.

I met a lot of good people who were staff in the nursing homes where my loved ones lived and I met some who were dangerous, maybe even sociopathic. In one instance, I had arranged to take my friend who was demented out for a day trip. The nurse who was on duty that day was supposed to give me his meds so I could keep him on the schedule. I gave them to him when scheduled, but he had a violent outburst while I was driving. He was a big, strong man in his 60s, so he nearly forced me off the road. Back at the nursing home, I found out the nurse had given me only part of his meds, not including the one that would have kept him calmer. She was one of the sociopaths, I think.

Others were loving and giving people doing an extremely difficult job. The problem is that the charge nurse -- the one in charge of the unit -- calls the shots when she is on duty. So care would vary depending on the temperament of the nurse.

It's a heartbreaking situation to have a loved one in a nursing home, but sometimes it's the only way to proceed. I don't judge those who can't/don't visit. Sometimes you just can't.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 04/21/2013 12:51PM by Lorraine aka síóg.

My mum will also swear blind that she has seen no one!
Also where my mum is they are not allowed phones as "they tend to be always calling the fire and police". We can call anytime and they take the phone to her.

My mom's last few years ended up being a time of bonding for her, my brother and myself. We forced her to move nearer my brother because she was being scammed out of all her money.

My husband and I bought her a mobile home near my bro, but when she started handing cigarettes out to the neighbor kids, we had her move into a senior apartment complex.

When she had to go into a nursing home, someone visited her daily and I called daily. The staff there knew we were watching over her and treated her with care and love.

Up until the end, she would bum smokes from the janitors.

Tupperwhere Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Can you imagine dying alone in a nursing
> home?


Yes and no.

Yes I can imagine that, given my kid-free status I'm not too likely to have family to lodge with if I need to be looked after. I see a nursing home as a possible outcome at the end of my life.

But no I can't imagine that because I'm fiercely independent and would rather end my own life than lose my independence and have to have someone take care of me. And that's precisely what I will do.... though ideally I hope I die in my sleep, in my own bed.

well, if they spent all their days doing something other than building relationships with their children- like many elderly Mormons do, or spent the kids' childhoods abusing them, what can you expect?

My parents spent much of my life doing church stuff. My mom also spent most of my childhood, teen and early adult years verbally and emotionally abusing me. They have now realized that they have no church friends and not many nomo friends besides a few relatives who stuck it out thru the mormonizing of everyone's life - you know: well if you were Mormon, this wouldn't happen attitude-.

They are just damn lucky we kids still speak to them. Fortunately for them they are physically healthy an d so still live in their home. I just know my mom is not ever going to be moving in with me and my family! My dad, maybe.

I also have ocd and my mom told me that if I would go to church more ( I was still going at the time but I skipped a lot during my early pregnancy) that this wouldn't be happening if I were going to church. She isn't very helpful in my life.

In fact, having them over even for a few hours is very stressful.

So some older people are just reaping what they have sown, even if they sound like nice people while they are in the nursing home.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/21/2013 04:05PM by karin.

When my maternal grandmother died and we went to her funeral, my son had no idea who she was. I had never taken him to visit her, not once in his entire life. He was about 6 years old when she died.

She was a mean, rotten person. She treated my mother horribly and caused her a lot of pain. She had 4 children and pitted them against each other and played favorites. Since my mom was usually the unfavored child, my siblings and I were her least favorite grandchildren.

I remember visiting her in the nursing home a couple of times with my mom. After I moved out of state, got married and had a baby, I sent cards and pictures occasionally. But I never took my son to see her, even though we traveled to my hometown several times a year.

On the other hand, I really loved my paternal grandfather, and took my son to visit him (in a different nursing home) every time we were home. I have a lot of happy memories of him from my childhood and really miss him now that he's gone.

Maybe the staff at my grandma's nursing home thinks we were some kind of awful family for not visiting her. Too bad.