This is my first post, though I have been lurking around for a little while. I find so much comfort in knowing I'm not alone, and I want to thank all of you so much for just existing. It doesn't matter so much what is said, it just matters that I know there are plenty of others out there that feel the same, and are going through the same things as I am.

Some background:
I'm 20 years old, raised in the church, and have been faking it for a little over 2 years now. I was going to fake it for the sake of my parental ties and their well-being, especially my recently cancer stricken mother. She's been through enough, why stress her out and make things worse for her? The typical circumstances make it hard enough as it is to leave, but it's even harder now that I'd be breaking her heart, and she may not live long enough to fully come to terms with it. My dad and I were never super close, though I know he would be disappointed. If you couldn't tell, my story is probably similar to many of yours. my two older siblings and my youngest brother are all opposed to the church and no longer attend, adding additional pressure on myself to "stay true to the faith". I've even heard my dad mention me as "the good son". They have also thanked me for staying with the church...it makes it that much harder On the bright side, they may be a bit more open, since this has happened before. On the other hand, I could be the knock-out punch that hurts worse than all the rest. I've watched them go through it 3 times already, probably about to be a fourth with another sibling. It's agonizing to watch them get hurt time after time, especially because I love them so much, and they have done so much for me.

I was on my mission for a few short months,faking, but figured it would help someone somewhere, and both of my parents have served missions and really pushed for me to go as well. The longer I stayed, the more I saw, the more I learned, the more I wanted to leave. But I was gritting my teeth through it, thinking that I can stomach it for 2 years. After learning that my mother had recently been diagnosed with mesothelioma and only had a few months to live, combined with my already wrestling doubts with TSCC, I couldn't take it anymore. I had to go home. Easily the most stressful moments of my life thus far, but happy to say my mother is doing much better now, and so am I.

The Dilemma(s):

1. I've since discovered the truth and confirmed what I REALLY felt, and have been feeling the various emotions of self doubt, anger, depression, and frustration that most of you have felt yourselves. I've been attending (faking) singles branch in the area for about a year now, for the sake of my parents, and still don't exactly know how I'm going to tell them, and when. NOTE: I live about 3.5 hrs away.

2. In this singles branch, I've made quite a few friends and have even been dating this girl for about a month now. We are starting to get a little more serious, and she has even talked about marriage. I really like her, and have entertained the thought more than once. I already told myself I wouldn't really care about the religious affiliation if I had a spouse, that I would look to her qualities and our compatibility. This girl is everything I could ask for, Mormon or not, though I know a semi- TBM like her would leave me in a second if she knew what I really thought, that her worthy priesthood holder was actually a closet atheist. Problem is, I like her enough that I have considered stomaching it just to be with her. Besides, I've already lived a life this way up to this point. I try not to think about the wedding, and how only my mother and father would be able to attend. Once I think about our possible future children being raised in the church, I cringe a bit, as I do not want my children to go through the same feelings that I have suffered through. At the same time, I know it would not be a bad life for them, or for me. I know it would be the easier road. I know it would take a toll on my psyche, but maybe it would get easier with time?

I'm kind of at a loss with myself in every regard, so I'm trying to get a little feedback from some of you who have made one decision or the other, your thoughts, recommendations, etc.

You wrote, "Besides, I've already lived a life this way up to this point."

I am not pulling the age card (okay, maybe I am), but you're 20 and have been faking it for about two years, right? Are you happy? How long do you think you can fake it and be happy? What happens if you have children and you decide that you can't fake it any longer? Do you want them raised in TSCC?

You're about to make a life-long commitment to someone based on two lies. TSCC is already lying to her. Don't be like them.

Wait until you're 30 to get married. Seriously.

Beth is SO right on this one! Your still maturing and figuring out what you want out of life in your 20's (I call it the Decade of Stupid).

I'm a nevermo, but I was married at 23 (see Decade of Stupid, above), divorced at 26 and remarried at 33.

^this^

Unlike what most Mormons think, many Non-Mormons consider marriage a very, very serious, long-term commitment.

You've gone through the heartache of being lied to, why put someone else through the same thing?

I agree with Beth, 20 is very young, dating for a month is no time at all and you are. naturally, in a vunerable position with your Mum being so poorly.
My advice, breath and wait. Try to step out of the Mormon thinking of marry young and quick. You have years ahead of you.
Think what your priorities right now and leave the others for later
Carry on faking if you feel that is the best,but don't drag others into in ( eg the girl you are seeing)
If this does not work out, there will be others. I know at 20 you dont necessarily believe us 'old' ladies - but its true.
You have so much of life ahead, enjoy it as much as you can, dont try to have everything settled and packaged up at such a young age!
( sorry in I sound like a 'mum' - I have a son about your age!)

Cold hard fact: building a long term relationship on a lie (or even on a half-truth) is committing that relationship to failure. If you can't tell this girl a simple fact about yourself when there is little invested in the relationship, how are you going to be anything but fake to her, in a lose-lose situation that creates nothing but sorrow for both? Going though with a temple marriage right now in your state of mind is a very selfish thing to do IMHO.

As for your mom, 3 1/2 hours away is far enough. Quietly go inactive. Go to church with your 'rental units when you visit them. Eat the bread, drink the water, make your mom happy. If she is really not long for this world, you can wait it out.

Also, back to the GF, there is NO REASON AT ALL to get married before you finish your education and get a job and whatever else you want to do. Just tell your mom that you haven't found someone worthy of a temple marriage or some other BS. Oh, and get laid, for Christ's sake! It will break the "I gotta get married now" mindset. Who knows, maybe you and this Molly, after a frank "the church sucks donkey" talk, can share an intimate experience together without any f'ed up underwear.

until you get yourself fully out of the church and overcome the internal conditioning. (And don't marry a girl who is still living under the influence of the LDS church).

Maybe I'm just slow, but it took me a number of years to really figure out who I was and what I really thought about a LOT of things, without the pat answers the church gave me.

You are young. You have time.

Thanks for the replies!

Pulling an age card would be quite appropriate, as I am quite young. Granted 20 years isn't exactly the ripe age of experience, I was just saying it would be pretty easy to just go along with the programming, as it would make things more simple/easier on the outside (family, support, less strife within my immediate family, etc), but worse on the inside, "stomaching". Could I go on faking for the rest of my life? Most likely not, definitely not to the extent I am now. As I think about possible future children, the more I really think I shouldn't marry a mormon. Pretty ironic, actually. I'm pretty sure people have faked it fo life before, but I sure can't. I would be lying if I said I'm happy going to church, but I don't really know where to go from here, exactly. Pretty typical "active but non-believing". I don't pay tithing or testify, but participate in service projects, branch activities, and the like. I've made quite a few friends there too, which in hindsight makes this decision of when all the more difficult.

To clarify;

"Entertaining the thought", as in playing it out in my head,thinking through it, giving it a fair shot in my head. It's not like I'm going ring shopping or anything...I told myself I would not get married at least until I've graduated and have a stable job (probably puts me around 25 years old). Whether or not that's 30 years old, I don't know, and don't really care. She has brought it up, saying things like "If we were to get married, I'm definitely painting the house", in reference to my apparent poor taste in color combinations. She always tries to kind of joke about it, but I can tell she's serious about it, much more than I.

Yes it has only been around a month,but to be fair we have been on quite a few dates, lots of alone time, weekend trips, etc. It feels like a lot longer. In comparison to other relationships in the past, this one has definitely rang as most compatible (thus far).

These various perspectives have made a lot of sense to me, thank you very much.

By the by, I've had sex on numerous occasions, so don't think that is a fueling motivation.

*No sexual relations with this girl

I'm new to message boards in general, still figuring it out. Bear with me as fail to convey my thoughts coherently.

Yeah, I guess finding the right time to tell this girl what I know would be the wisest thing to do. Then my mother and father. I'm luckier than most I suppose, having siblings that I know would still accept me, and not treat me any differently.

I absolutely have time, and will definitely use it to my advantage.

I'm going to tell you what I told my son when he was a teenager.

At your age, sex, or the prospect of sex, on a regular basis makes you stupid. He didn't appreciate that. Now he does (he's 23).

ETA: I wasn't telling him, "Don't have sex." I was just telling the walking blaze of testosterone that he was going to do some majorly dumb stuff in the near future. And I bought him a Costco-sized box of condoms.

I remember 20. Good age. :-)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/21/2013 05:47AM by Beth.

I mean, majorly stressful. I've found that it's best not to make major decisions when you're stressed.

This I guarantee: at 25 you will be a different person than you are now. At 30, you will be a different person than at 25. 30 is my go-to number. It's not exactly arbitrary -- it's around the average age people get married.

Here's the thing -- you're still an adolescent, believe it or not. The part of your brain that can assess risk won't mature until you're about 25. I am not calling you stupid. Please know that. You clearly aren't.

You've got lots and lots of time. Even if you spent every waking moment with her for the past month, it's still not enough time to get to know someone. Her brain is still developing, too.

Take your time. Live. Enjoy. There's a huge world waiting to meet you.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/21/2013 05:30AM by Beth.

Welcome, TennisGuy. I'm so sorry about your mom. I understand why you do not wish to stress her further right now. I would keep up the facade until she dies and for about six months after, for the sake of your dad.

However that does not mean that you need to attend church. You live far enough away that your parents would never know if you attend or not. So scale back to once a month attendance (which is enough to keep you off the church's radar,) or go inactive. If anyone asks, tell them that you are caught up in family matters at this time. Which is at least partially true.

As for the girl, one month isn't even close to enough time to get to know someone. And more than that, you are not being real with her. You can't build a lasting relationship on a lie. Life is long. You really think you can keep this up for the next five or more decades? Why would you wish to do that? Your life is a precious gift that has been given to you. Why would you want to live someone else's life? Why not live your own?

Please complete your education at a non-church school and start building your life in the outside world. Yes, there are a few hazards out there, but keep your center and you will do just fine. People on this board can give you advice about whatever is puzzling you or bothering you. The outside world is not as scary or evil as the church would have you believe. Most non-Mormons live thoroughly average lives. They get a job, get married, have kids, and attend a church or not as they see fit. Non-Mormons are stable members of society.

It is time to start building your future, and you can have a very good future without the Mormon church.

TenisGuy, Welcome. It is a dilemma. As said by others, there's plenty of time. There are other women out there. *Do* tell this young woman as soon as you can about you religious views. There's no use delaying the inevitable. You will *not* be happy faking it for any length of time. The sooner you can get moving on with the real you, the better off you will be. I've been married 25 years. I faked it for the last eight or so - it's hell. I finally told my wife a few months ago. What a relief! She didn't leave me, but it has put a strain on our relationship. We would both be happier with a spouse who is more compatible in the religion department (I consider myself atheist). At your age, you have so much to look forward to, don't waste it on living a lie.

20 is SO young. You have to be honest with this girl or you will have to fake things for the rest of your life. Living authentically is much more fun, I promise!

First off, I have to say, one month into a relationship is not a good time to make a full commitment into marriage. I know Mormons do this really fast meet 'n marry scenario, it's just not a smart move. The first couple months are always hot and everyone is on their best behavior...wait until you're together long enough to fart in front of each other. Seriously, you have no idea what personality issues are going on that might seriously clash.

You're also walking full into this "Mormon marriage" with full doubts and disbelief. What an absolute stupid thing to do. How long do you think you can pretend? You're struggling with it now, you could blow at any moment, why in the world are you going to add to the problem with an extra individual and maybe a pregnancy or a couple of babies?

I think what you need to do is clean your own house up first. If this girl is the right girl, she'll stick. Right now you are the "golden boy" and last survivor with the sibs. You have a lot on your shoulders dealing with the parents and leaving the faith. It's a difficult and painful place to be, but I think what's most important is to sort out this aspect of your life before committing fully to a marriage.

You have read the stories posted here where one spouse is done and leaves the church, the trauma, the drama, the hurt, divorce. Why in the world would you walk straight into it with eyes wide open? Spare the pain for yourself, for your girlfriend, and get your ducks in a row first.

This many red flags walking into the relationship is sure fire, gauranteed failure later.

Come clean with the girl of what you really believe.

I don't care how much you like her, marrying her under false pretenses and frankly even continuing the relationship under false pretenses isn't fair to her.

Hi ThatTennisGuy, I play tennis, too. Have for a looooooong time. Your situation is similar to a friend of mine: only active guy among inactive/exmormon siblings. He was also thought of as the "good guy" and made his more-TBM-than-his-dad mom proud among her TBM siblings.

The facade lasted through a temple marriage (where siblings couldn't attend) until he was 30 and then he was out. With his spouse. And then divorced. He still broke his mom's heart but couldn't live the lie anymore. Years later, in a new marriage with a nevermo, my friend has found happiness and his mom has "come around".

I was 20, like you, when a life-altering event occurred and instead of seeking support through a therapist, I thought joining the Mormon faith would be the answer. I was wrong. I was impulsive and emotionally-swayed. The "guy just like you" (above), was my husband. It felt like shit going through the temple without my family and without his siblings. Stupid, stupid, stupid. After 12 years in the church, I finally left and got support from a therapist that I'd needed for over a decade. Thank god.

It's such a trying time for your family right now. Seek some support, but please don't make any major decisions that seem OK now (the little things that bother you will become bigger, and bigger, and will be impossible to fake). Give your mom a ton of love, focus on her, have fun in your life, and give yourself time after she's gone to contemplate your life, come to terms with her death, feel a sense of yourself and those around you, before you consider marriage.

If your girlfriend would leave you if you abandoned the church, let her leave. You deserve a deeper, more fulfilling lover than that. Good luck!

Too young to consider marriage..live life..find yourself!! Marrying a momo is not a good idea..unless you want to be in the cult..and live a lie...good luck :)

Please don't marry a Mormon girl. Get out there a see others.

I would say that unless you want to be a tortured soul for the next few decades... say no to any Mormon girl. If you marry her, you'll be buying several packages of trouble. Time goes by so fast. Imagine yourself 25 years from now if you marry this girl...

This is you 25 years from now:
Your daughter is getting married, you have been out of the church for years, since it became impossible to fake it anymore.
You have no temple recommend, so you can't see her get married. You have gone through months of inner turmoil from her engagement announcement until the wedding. You are having trouble eating and sleeping. Your wife and other children look down on you, telling you that it's your choice not to attend. You are heartsick.

On the other hand, if you choose to wait a while, date around and eventually marry a non-Mormon girl, this is your scenario (it would instead be 35 years from now):
You are planning on walking your daughter down the aisle. Your wife and children are all smiling broadly as you both reach the alter. Proud and happy now, you don't even remember the name of that Mormon girl you were considering marrying way back in 2013. You thank your lucky stars every day that you never did that. Especially today, when your daughter needs you very much. She would laugh at the very idea of you not being there on her special day.

Choose your future.

I'm over 40 now.
Getting married hormonally would be a mistake. I don't hesitate to say that.
The pain of breaking up now is worth it.
I went through a breakup with "the one" when I was 21.
"The one" is a subjective emotion not unlike an LDS "testimony". It depends on confirmation bias, and you have to shape yourself to it.
That shape gets harder and harder to hold.
Eventually, you can't.
You're SEVERAL years too young to be marrying anyway.

As for your mom, I still let my dad and grandpa think I'm "the good son" too. Unlike a spouse, faking it for them is just superficial politeness.
If your mom is dying, I see nothing wrong with totally faking it to spare her feelings.

Believe me (pulling the age card) if the girl you are dating is your age, or thereabout, you don't really know her. For one thing, you are living a lie. Don't you think girls can fake a personality as well? They can do it too. She is dancing around the marriage question and if she is going to your church she is TBM and following your lead. She will think about getting you back on the narrow path to Mormonism AFTER the temple marriage. Girls that age ALWAYS want to play mama and think they can change their guy once they've married him. You aren't seeing everything.

You are both too young. I remember at your age thinking I had found the perfect TBM at BYU. I even phoned my parents to see what they would do if I got married before I graduated. It didn't work out in the end and today I am SO incredibly glad. I have changed tremendously since that time. And I have met and dated so many more men that are head and shoulders above that guy but I wasn't mature enough to know what a great guy really consisted of at that time and age. I'll bet anything you are a little afraid you won't find anyone as nice as this girl. You will, and better, because YOU will be better. You will be more of a man and more aware of life. Living a lie and believing you can continue with it proves you haven't yet found your true self or grown to maturity. Please believe this.

I think what you are really looking for and need most right now is a support system. A girl friend is very comforting but a Mormon girl friend comes with a lot of strings that you just can't and shouldn't have to deal with right now. She has her own agenda.

Please look outside TSCC for your support system. Try joining a sports team or group that enjoys your hobbies. There are movie clubs, reading groups, bike clubs, photo clubs, etc. The list is endless. It will be your door to stepping outside TSCC. Also, the guilt you feel about possibly hurting your parents is not a good basis for decision making. Guilt is never a good reason to do anything. Your parents are stronger than you think and your siblings who have left have forced your parents to realize that they can still love their children as non LDS. Yes, you may be their last hold out but being the "good" child is kind of egotistical, especially if you are faking it. I think your parents having been though this will put up a fuss but will get past your apostasy better than it appears to you.

My approach would probably be to say, "Mom & Dad, I love you dearly and would do anything not to hurt you both but I can no longer live a lie nor lie to you. It is tearing me up inside. You have both been wonderful parents and a great example by your lives but I see Mormonism as a fraud and I want to live a full and honest life. Would you prefer me to go on lying to you about my feelings and beliefs or do you love me enough to accept me as I truly believe? I really could use your love and support in dealing with this."

Good luck. And take time. You have plenty of it.

wine country girl Wrote:
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OH MY !! Those are a hoot~!~ Loved the Kid throwing a fit... well, didn't love it, glad I don't have to deal with it anymore...

WHOA.... hold up here.
You have LOTS of TIME... One...be honest with the gal... tell her you are not sure what you want at this point, re: Mormonism..you're evaluating it all... also
definitely not in the business of looking for a wife.
That's all a long , long, long, way off. You can drop hints~! And you can be very transparent.

So sorry about your mom. Cancer is nasty! Happy to hear she is doing better.

You are young, you have a long life ahead of you. You will make many decisions about education, and girl friends, and religion. No need to do anything drastic.

If you feel you need to go along to get along temporarily, I totally understand that.
Eventually, you'll find the right time to start dropping hints and making your move. It's wise, in my experience to give folks time to adjust - months and months seems to work best.

Hang in there, get involved in your education and a job, etc. if needed. Keep your eye on your goals.

My best to you.

I have grand children your age. I married at about your age but it was a different era. And we were married for over 50 years until he passed a few months ago from complications from cancer.

I hear your dilemma loud and clear!

I'm just gonna add my vote to the don't get married and get out of church camp. That path only leads to misery for someone like you.

My FIL had mesothelioma, so I have a pretty good idea how your mother is doing. I've also had cancer myself.

It's a stressful time when your mother coming to terms with her mortality.

I think you should hang in there with the church thing just for your mother. She doesn't need her heart broken right now. You've hung in there this long, a while longer won't be the end of the world.

Also, absolutely tell the girl where you're at with religion. It would be a huge part of your relationship. It's wouldn't be fair to her if you held that secret. It could land you in divorce court down the road.

Don't get married. Don't get married. Don't get married.

Why are you even thinking about it? Go to school, get your life in order. Don't be making major life decisions while you're in a state of turmoil. It makes for bad decisions.

Spend all the time you can with your mother right now. Those moments will be precious to you later.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/21/2013 03:57PM by mia.

Never fake a religious belief with a spouse. It will end in divorce. YOUR spouse will make you look bad to any children you may have. YOU will be substituted by some other male for baptisms, etc. YOU will be looked at as unworthy of being the DAD. There are many women in the sea....look elsewhere for a woman -who if religious, is in a faith- that does not judge their spouse as the Mormons do.Break it off NOW....and she will be glad you were truthful and in the end you will meet a real woman-not one that only likes you if you are LDS. Hope your mom continues to do well.

Regarding telling them about your unbelief....if you get serious about another girl I would tell them then. Tie it all in together.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/21/2013 11:57PM by honestone.

The amount of support and sincere effort to help me on this forum is overwhelming.

Thank all of you so much!

If you go through the temple you promise to give everything for the building up of the kingdom even your own life.