Posted by:
ThatTennisGuy
(
)
Date: April 21, 2013 04:02AM
This is my first post, though I have been lurking around for a little while. I find so much comfort in knowing I'm not alone, and I want to thank all of you so much for just existing. It doesn't matter so much what is said, it just matters that I know there are plenty of others out there that feel the same, and are going through the same things as I am.
Some background:
I'm 20 years old, raised in the church, and have been faking it for a little over 2 years now. I was going to fake it for the sake of my parental ties and their well-being, especially my recently cancer stricken mother. She's been through enough, why stress her out and make things worse for her? The typical circumstances make it hard enough as it is to leave, but it's even harder now that I'd be breaking her heart, and she may not live long enough to fully come to terms with it. My dad and I were never super close, though I know he would be disappointed. If you couldn't tell, my story is probably similar to many of yours. my two older siblings and my youngest brother are all opposed to the church and no longer attend, adding additional pressure on myself to "stay true to the faith". I've even heard my dad mention me as "the good son". They have also thanked me for staying with the church...it makes it that much harder On the bright side, they may be a bit more open, since this has happened before. On the other hand, I could be the knock-out punch that hurts worse than all the rest. I've watched them go through it 3 times already, probably about to be a fourth with another sibling. It's agonizing to watch them get hurt time after time, especially because I love them so much, and they have done so much for me.
I was on my mission for a few short months,faking, but figured it would help someone somewhere, and both of my parents have served missions and really pushed for me to go as well. The longer I stayed, the more I saw, the more I learned, the more I wanted to leave. But I was gritting my teeth through it, thinking that I can stomach it for 2 years. After learning that my mother had recently been diagnosed with mesothelioma and only had a few months to live, combined with my already wrestling doubts with TSCC, I couldn't take it anymore. I had to go home. Easily the most stressful moments of my life thus far, but happy to say my mother is doing much better now, and so am I.
The Dilemma(s):
1. I've since discovered the truth and confirmed what I REALLY felt, and have been feeling the various emotions of self doubt, anger, depression, and frustration that most of you have felt yourselves. I've been attending (faking) singles branch in the area for about a year now, for the sake of my parents, and still don't exactly know how I'm going to tell them, and when. NOTE: I live about 3.5 hrs away.
2. In this singles branch, I've made quite a few friends and have even been dating this girl for about a month now. We are starting to get a little more serious, and she has even talked about marriage. I really like her, and have entertained the thought more than once. I already told myself I wouldn't really care about the religious affiliation if I had a spouse, that I would look to her qualities and our compatibility. This girl is everything I could ask for, Mormon or not, though I know a semi- TBM like her would leave me in a second if she knew what I really thought, that her worthy priesthood holder was actually a closet atheist. Problem is, I like her enough that I have considered stomaching it just to be with her. Besides, I've already lived a life this way up to this point. I try not to think about the wedding, and how only my mother and father would be able to attend. Once I think about our possible future children being raised in the church, I cringe a bit, as I do not want my children to go through the same feelings that I have suffered through. At the same time, I know it would not be a bad life for them, or for me. I know it would be the easier road. I know it would take a toll on my psyche, but maybe it would get easier with time?
I'm kind of at a loss with myself in every regard, so I'm trying to get a little feedback from some of you who have made one decision or the other, your thoughts, recommendations, etc.