this tidbit popped out when responding to my sister on facebook today, to her question, do you just let your kids play in the road? Seemed like goodness worth sharing, hope you all like it.


Teaching how to think, not what to think

Playing in the road,

That is a good question, and can be a great example of my point. Playing in the road could lead to a kid getting hurt. There is a spectrum of how you can teach a child in this case. The spectrum swings from an authoritarian approach to a reasoning approach. The authoritarian teaches what to think, while the other teaches how. Here is an example:

1. You simply tell your kids to not play in the road, why? Because you said so and you should be obeyed. Very authoritarian, the child doesn't learn to think for themselves, they just learn to obey and do what they are told.

2. You teach the child it is bad to play in the road, and such play should be avoided at all costs because they might get hurt. You show them dead smashed cats to prove your point. But your point isn't as much about the road per say, but that they should listen to you because you know what you are talking about. There is still an authoritarian approach to this because it continues to reinforce obedience above all else, it is a bit more moderated than the first because it brings in reason to the discussion. but the goal is still one of here is the rule, obey it.

3. Is approaching it from reason to begin with. You show the kids examples of getting hurt and the potential of that. You recognize that playing in the road isn't always gonna get you hurt and creating a rule to not play there is actually pointless because ultimately a person will choose what they do. You do not focus any energy on the reason being obeyed simply for obedience’s sake. Instead you teach the child to look at the information and reason out if it is smart or not to play in the road. Cars move fast, they can't stop as quick, see the poor animal that was hit? That could happen. Teach them critically thinking processes and how to look at evidence and draw a conclusion



Approaching the topic from reason takes the longest, but in the long run it bears the most fruit. Too often we as parents take the shortcut, of ‘because I said so’ The downside to that is we are teaching them to be obedient for obedience’s sake. That can work and it can keep your family safe from harm, but it limits progression. The real world isn’t all black and white, even in the road example you can create a rule of never playing in the road. But the reality is you can often play there and not get hurt. Will that rule keep them from harm? Sure but what about in the future when the question is a little different, and there isn’t a rule for the situation they are in? If your kids haven’t learned how to reason, they will be at a loss what to do. If they have been engrained with the idea that they should always look to a leader and follow without question, they might turn to the leader of the group and just slip into that mode of thinking. In the end you are breeding followers, and followers follow and never think to question authority.

Taking an approach that uses reason is generally a lot more work as a parent, simply because explaining how to look at the pros and cons takes a lot more time than saying ‘because I said so’ But the magic comes later, they learn how to think for themselves, how to critically look at the information how to form their own opinion and then develop self confidence to act on it. This approach breeds leaders.

Of course this is a process that you go through as they mature and grow. Kids start out in life without a clue of what might harm them, they look up to parents and naturally mimic them, it’s natural that they will want to please their parents and if we as parents are getting our egos stroked by having a bunch of little followers, I think we are doing it wrong. I personally believe we should begin teaching our kids to reason and think critically as soon as they are able. If a parent has a curfew for their kid at age 16-17 I would say they are clearly being more authoritarian, and using less reason in their teaching. Think about it, at 17, the kid is one year away from leaving home and making his/her own choices if they haven’t learned to reason when its smart to be home by they time they are 17, how can you say you have taught them to think for themselves?

Lastly, if you realize that this charge in your life is a thinking reasoning human being and you respect that and teach them to use their reasoning skills and how to asses the situation, when they get 17, I bet you they will respect you too and if you have an opinion on a topic, such as when they should be home, I will bet they will want to hear what you have to say.

One of the most amazing things we human beings can do is reason something out just by thinking about it, its sad that so few take advantage of this ability.