http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,890590,891761#msg-891761

Well it has taken me a few days to get back here to give an update. I had been reading and re-reading all of the advise given here and was treading carefully though this. As one person stated here “there seem to be a lot of dynamics in this situation” was a very true statement. Much more than I would dare to go into here because honestly my heart just cant bear treading back into all of it.

Aaron had not really been in our lives for the past six years because of being in prison and then because of his being unable to leave the state of his parole. And when he returns we are hopeful that he has changed, we saw signs that he had….well all except for my 2nd born son, who tried to warn me but sometimes I guess we have to plow head on into that brick wall before we wake up.

Aarons father with whom I was divorced when Aaron was five was diagnosed with a narcissistic personality disorder along with a bipolar disorder.. Aaron’s father disappeared with him when he was six years old and we did not locate them until he was almost nine years old.
The road after that was very hard, always has been with him. Acting out, illegal activity, juvenile detention, treatment centers.

After he was released this last time from prison, we were watchful, hopeful and encouraging of the progress we saw in him. Of course that was from a distance of 18 hours away and phone conversation and such. At first when he returned to the area a year ago everything was going good, good communication, good interaction, very positive…and it because of that, I allowed Elizabeth to go down there for spring break and spend it with him and his wife and children. It was after that return that we begin seeing red flags going off….he began acting like he was out to “fix” all of us. Then as we were discussing Elizabeth coming for the summer and me asserting myself on some issues that the other side of him that we remembered from the past began to rise to the surface.

The past few days have been extremely difficult as Elizabeth and I have talked and I was sharing some of my concerns with her. She opened up and begin showing me text messages he has been sending her since her return from spring break. And basically he has been attempting to sabotage are relationship and make himself her savior.

As someone else here said “its time to take the gloves off”. Well they came off and it wasn’t pretty….he is not use to being confronted on his behavior and in doing that today, well it was emotionally draining. It is a very difficult thing to really come to terms with the ideal that you can not have someone in your life, when that someone is your child. It is painful as I write this. And yes I guess I had to run head on into that brick wall before I could see that abuse comes in many forms and as with his father I had been allowing this child to abuse me for years and years.

But this has also brought Elizabeth and I along with her sister and brother even closer to each other…because we have all been sharing and talking the past few days.

But Im also hurting greatly right now….hard to describe…. But ….well im going to stop now as the tears come.
Peace 2 You All

I lived with the verbal and emotional abuse. I have listened to him rant and rave against me saying things to me that no mother should ever have to hear from her child.

I have comforted him and I have loved him and I have forgiven him time and time again only to have him turn around and stab me in the heart when he didn't get the thing he wanted from me or hear the words he wanted to hear.

How do you divorce a child? How do you divorce a person you gave birth to and nurtured and loved with all your heart? How do you make other people understand why you can no longer see or keep in touch with that child? It goes against everything anyone has ever believed about being a parent. Your child is your child and that is a bond like no other.

I'm so sorry. The silver lining is that you won't be exposing your daughter any further to all of that.

Some situations are beyond fixing.

I could not agree more in regards to my daughter. We all sat down over the past few day with a therpist that I had when dealing with some of the abuse issues I once had in regards to his father.

The therapist really reveled some things that we had been dealing with and It is still hard to wrap my head completely around the assessment they gave of what my son suffers with.

But as he said it was easier for me to see and walk away from the ex, but to see things clearly in your own child is much more difficult. In the past I had been what you would call and enabler and in the past years of his absence, well im just not the same person. And when I stood my ground with him regarding the summer visit, it was just not something he could contend with and so there was the fall out. I am just thankful that the fall out did not produce any causalities but instead open up some dialog with myself and Elizabeth and her other siblings that will continue and was/is of major importance.

I've thought about your thread and wondered how things were going...
It sounds like a good update, although I realize it doesn't feel that way. You are keeping your daughter safe, and that means a lot. There's not much you can do once they are as grown as your son and unwilling to get help, but you can still help your daughter not go down that path.

There is a website for parents of children like yours. Someone suggested I join it mistakenly because my situation is the opposite, and it is my parents whom _I_ sometimes think of cutting off. I'll have to go looking and see if I can find it again, it may or may not be useful to you...

i would really appeciate that winks

FOCUS ON THE GOOD.

it has no end. I have a childrens book with "love is inexhaustible" on the back.
let go
youl find that any stabs are only on your outer shell. see the good and more will come. let worry go all will be well in the end. enjoy everthing you can. be wise and peaceful. know you posses the answers. there is a part of you that doesnt have strength but there is another that goes FOREVER. use that part of you. you have it you really do.

that is certainly something I need to hear right now and also REMEMBER.

We had a nice evening. Sat down all together and made plans for the summer. Planned a family camping trip. Made plans for Friday night to be a game night with friends over. Some community pool time.and who knows what else we may decide to do. so we are going to enjoy and savor.

I was in the situation in reverse, it was my parent that I had the back and forth, the forgiving, and trying to overlook the abuse.

How do you divorce your parent, when you have this driving need to have someone fill that need for parental nurturing, no matter how bad they are at it, when the only reason you keep in contact with that personal is a biological and psychological drive, something natural that can't be helped.

You do it because you become so broken that you finally start to pick yourself up and realize that you and those around you don't need to live with that and would be better off without it. It is hard, and I still think frequently about how much I miss my parents (rather the idea of them), but I know that relationship is too toxic.

I think your relationship with your son is the same. You want to love him and have a relationship with him, but it is HIS choices that have made that impossible, not yours. It isn't your fault, but you need to stay away for your own sanity and well being, as well as for that of your dependent children.

I'm sorry you are going through such a tough time, these kinds of family issues strike closest to the heart, and leave the biggest wounds. Find a good counselor, you need some outside help healing, everyone does in this kind of situation. It will make the world of difference.