Interesting article in Sunstone regarding Passive Aggressive behavior by a Weber State University professor. Interesting data and analysis. Recommended reading.

https://www.sunstonemagazine.com/passive-aggression-among-the-latter-day-saints/

I'm glad you posted this.

When I was able to recognize tscc was an invented religion and there are no prophets here, I stopped being so passive aggressive. I've begun to vocally ask questions about issues I see in real life. I've begun to openly question with tbm friends issues I see at church. Its making them uncomfortable, too.

I mentioned gbh lying on television to Mike Wallace of 60 minutes regarding church doctrine and my tbm mothers response was,"That's dangerous ground." I stated that its not right to her face. I know other tbm friends have been looking at me strangely when tscc issues come up because I will ask critical questions and it makes them uncomfortable.

I have mentally left tscc but still attend and I wonder how much longer I'll be welcome if this trend continues. I still attend for personal reasons and close friendships but thats about it.

I think this is why, when someone comes here seeking solution to some problem with another person, so many of the suggestions involve avoidance.

I still struggle with avoidance in some areas, Stray Mutt. My conversion to Mormonism was partly an act of avoidance.

"Ain't no problem so big it can't be run away from."

There are times when avoidance is the proper response -- like when an angry drunk wants to fight you. But if it's parents or a spouse or child, and you want to improve the relationship, then problems need to be resolved. If the church keeps butting into one's life, hiding or making up excuses or pretending to go along won't solve the problem. In fact, it can make a person sick. It made ME sick, until I stopped being passive.

I think avoidance is passive aggressive if you have previously agreed to do something, but are trying to get out of it by not answering calls, the door or emails. Definitely.
But I'd love to see this idea expounded on further.

I avoided mormons because I didn't know I could resign, and when I did know, I did resign!
I avoid toxic people in my life, but isn't that healthy?
I avoid a lot of things that make me uncomfortable, and I know how some of the ways I avoid things can seem passive aggressive... But people who have hurt me and won't ever apologize, do they deserve non passive aggressive behavior? In my mind they earned it. But I'm not 100% normal, either.

I don't know if my point is getting through, but I want to say that not all avoidance is necessarily passive aggressive... Am I wrong?

"I think avoidance is passive aggressive if you have previously agreed to do something, but are trying to get out of it by not answering calls, the door or emails. Definitely."

You're exactly right. Unfortunately mormonism warps the point of view for so many of its members. When you're "called" to serve in any "volunteer" capacity, it is oftentimes general practice that the person just accepts. To do anything otherwise would be to question the priesthood authority of the man doing the "calling", therefore questioning the divine inspiration of the church all the way up to the lard himself if one really wants to press the issue.

This spills out not only into religious life but even day-to-day life, especially where there's hoards.. I mean, concentrations of mormons. If Bishop Jackwagon thinks he has divine authority over you at church, he could quite easily think he has authority over you outside of the Steak Center. Or Sister Jackwagon, his wife and just so coincidentally called to be Relief Society President, may feel she has authority over you both as RSP and as the wife of a man of gawd. Furthermore, gossip leaks through like a seive so for you to object or resist could easily lead to further judgemental behavior from your friends and neighbors and possibly even coworkers.

So if ol' BJ decides to call you to work in the nursery AND scrubbing toilets on the weekends, the negatives from refusing can be quite strong when you've been programmed for acceptance since you were blessed by a large circle of middle-aged guys in cheap suits with bad breath. Likewise if SJ asks you to babysit her brood of hyperactive, obnoxious children, you're risking passive-aggressive retribution if you decline.

If you have a strong, assertive personality then great.. you might survive. But cowardly fools like myself would be much more likely to accept the assignments, because how can I not? But you're damned sure going to have a hard time actually getting me to perform those assignments. If they are done, it'd be at the last minute with great haste and sloppiness. And I'll resent you with the bitterness of a thousand lemons.

Once you've done this enough times, it's hard to remember how to function non-passive-aggressively. To be honest there's nothing for me to "remember" because that would imply that I wasn't passive-aggressive at some point. My cowardice, co-dependency, fear of confrontation and passive-aggressive behavior have literally destroyed some of the most important relationships and opportunities I've ever had in my life. Even with my clocks set forward almost 20 minutes I arrive late to everything. I've allowed myself to be ripped off - I am literally aware that I'm getting screwed, but don't have the courage to speak up - so many times it's utterly pathetic. It really, really sucks.

What's the point of this rambling, you ask? I'm not sure. Mostly letting off steam. I guess my point would be when you've been passive-aggressive for so long, it can potentially seep into every facet of day-to-day life. Tscc helps to spread this behavior like a virus. There's no way to win. And I despise them for it.

Good article.

Crathes, this is a great article. Thank you for posting it. Along similar lines, a friend and colleague did his dissertation on Christians and assertiveness. He found that in the two congregations he studied the church members tended to feel negative toward people who were assertive, although polite; most positive toward people who were not a assertive and "nice;" and only slightly positive toward people who were assertive, but only if they were "very nice."

In my experience one of the important factors in developing depression and anxiety is avoidance. Avoidance causes us to see ourselves as less powerful and it allows the problems that bother us to stay in place and continue to bother us. Avoidance leads to feeling overwhelmed. If I may speculate a bit, it may be this high degree of avoidance in Utah Mormons generates the levels of depression that are reported in Utah. Of course, suicide is the ultimate form of avoidance.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/16/2013 11:47AM by robertb.

Robertb-
I don't believe suicide can be simplified as the "ultimate form of avoidance". There are many different factors and reasons for it. To lump all suicides as an act of avoidance is a disservice to those who suffer and reinforces ignorance about it.

Can you post a link to that study?

emanon-- Suicide is very often motivated by a desire to escape (or avoid) intense pain due to loss, deep shame, and a sense of hopelessness. I didn't intend my comment to be unkind toward people who feel suicidal or commit suicide. I meant it as a statement of the power of avoidance.

almost there--The dissertation is on my friend's bookshelf in the office I rented from him :-)

Thanks for posting this interesting article, Crathes!

Just as an aside, I wonder how the author of the study distinguishes collaboration from compromise? They seem like overlapping processes to me.

Very interesting article. I've been noticing this myself for a while now. Mormons really are passive agressive, especially the ones who seem very submissive.

When I think about it, it makes sense that this would be the case. Conflict and disagreement are a normal part of life. When a disagreement happens or someone is offended by another, stuffing it only creates a bubbling, boiling, pit of lava within that eventually explodes and ruins much in its path. Rather than addressing the issue head on, and using healthy conflict resolution, their commandment to avoid the "spirit of contention" is very unhealthy and I believe it directly affects this mormon passive agressive phenomena.


I also like that the article referenced the "spirit of contention" passage, because shows their unhealthy their commandments and how this problem is directly from tscc, and NOT to be dismissed by church PR as having nothing to do with them.

Regarding lying. If you make it a point to always tell the truth, as you see it, your circle of friends will greatly diminish. However those people who choose to continue associating with you will repect you because they know where you stand. It is my personal opinion that most religions prefer to lie even when it is cheaper to tell the truth. The most despicable of these are people who are looked up to as role models and are in fact liars.