Wow, you're getting a double whammy, but it's good. try some new interests, work through the pain, and be open to new things. It takes time, lots of time, to work through all that. Best of luck.
First of all you can be very happy your kids are not involved in Mormonism. Pat yourself on the back for that. Don't know how to console you about the divorce but in most cases it is all for the good- someone usually has ruined the marriage for the other. That means you deserve something better. If Mormonism played a part then the answer may be just that.
Look for a good volunteer position- helping the organizations that send care packages to soldiers is always fun. They get together often-especially at holiday times. One group is called Soldiers Angels. Another is called Operation Homefront where they do things to take care of the families left behind.My daughters are helping that cause this weekend with the largest military baby shower west of the Mississippi. Many who will get gifts have hubbies who are deployed. MY house has been filled with baby items since Christmas. There are over 85 moms..... also if you are at all interested in another church you can get together with ladies there for various things during the week or wkend. sometimes it is just a book study, but also they do some crafty things too. And there are plenty of schools that would love volunteers to read with kids. Just ask any Elem. school- we love our volunteers.
You take care and enjoy your new life....yes, a big change but most likely all for the better and you will adjust. Think positive.
Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 01/21/2011 11:27PM by honestone.
I know it's really hard to feel all alone. Please be kind and attentive to yourself during this time of loss. If there is an activity you enjoy or volunteer work or whatever you have time for that makes YOU happy, do that and friends will come into your life. Just be open and ready for them.
Taking a community/continuing education class offered through your local school district, community college, or univeristy is a good way to meet people with similar interests.
Some of the most important things are as follows. Not sure what part of the country you are living in, but here goes
1. Plan how you will handle your free time. Work will take care of itself. 2. Get a new circle of friends, 3. Find a getaway place -even if it is a motel or beach, where you can enjoy a good meal and plan out your life and enjoy your own company. ****Make sure none of the places were those you frequented with the EX***. Go 30 -50 miles in a direction you have never travelled. 4. Make a list of recreational places you will use .. Sports /Gym center, cinema, theatre. Make sure none of the places are those you frequented with the EX, 5. Cultivate some hobby or enjoyable passtime, especially those things you would be doing, if you did not have to go to work.
Some people handle solitude well, others need a crowd around them. Good Luck,this to shall pass and in ten years you will wonder why you worried so much.
"Go 30 -50 miles in a direction you have never travelled."
The reason I put that piece of advice in the message is that when driving to a new location and on new roads, your mind is forced to concentrate and absorb the new surroundings. (the "I've never seen this before syndrome")
Thus making you less able to recollect the pain and the problems you are leaving.
I spent many a weekend exploring new areas and recording new getaway places with things to do, all within an hours drive. These places proved invaluable to my comfort and well being . They also helped the process of my recovery. Nobody knew where I was and what I was doing. It was my world and pain and hurt were not allowed there.
This works for losing jobs, leaving church, divorce, family problems, or any other of life's catastrophies. Hope that helps!
Every weekend I made my excursions, I found four major items that caused me to wind down and change my pace in life and avoid confrontation..
1 Small home style bakery, with to die for warm Italian Bread 2 Small country motel, with extremely cheap week-end rates 3 Country store with wonderful hot food/take out meals in the winter and natural raspberry ice-cream in the summer 4 Country park with walking trails and trout streams made the surroundings very acceptable.
Each one of these items helped me "treat myself " and gain solitude and allowed me to grieve the way I wanted to and gave me hope to survive. Hot baths, good food, followed by a brisk country walk, and Ice Cream. The healing process was a whole lot quicker....
Agree, my brother always says that a minimum of two years recovery time is essential after a long-term relationship. Mine took more like four, but I was dealing with a bunch of other things (parents' dying, moving, job, etc.).
The advice you get here really depends on what type of personality you are. Extrovert or introvert. I was more of the latter and had to find lots of quiet and solitude to work through all those issues.
You do have a double whammy coming at you, because leaving the church is very much the same dynamic as going through a divorce. So all of the emotional issues are doubling up on you.
I agree with "Just Browsing". Great advice. Find that place that fits you and get away once in awhile. Somewhere that you can call your own.
When you are in your own area, develop your own interests; book club, photography, cooking classes. Just find something that attracts you and that YOU are interested in.
if you grew up near the beach and have pleasant memories of it, I think the ocean air and old stomping grounds might be nice. Volunteering for something is always fun.
I took classes at the local college, I got together with some women and started a Red Hat Society for a few years.
My marriage survived and still survives. I retired and so did my husband, so we live a very quiet life.
Be good to yourself! Do things you never had the opportunity to do before. Be adventurous! Join a club, take classes, take up a musical instrument, the list is endless. And, leave guilt, and shame, and all that other useless stuff out of your life.:-)
I went through nearly the same thing about 10 years ago. On top of that, I was forced to retire from my job, so it was a triple whammy for me. One of the first things I did was to get certified as a scuba diver, and at the same time, I went to the docks in Portland and Seattle, and learned how to sail. I found that with my disabilities, diving wasn't for me, but I had bought a small sailboat and spent about 4 years at a small lake learning how to sail. That was a profound experience. I have since sold the boat, and have gotten rid of most of the scuba gear. I have since bought a couple of guns, and become quite proficient at using them. I have gotten a general class ham radio license and I am in the process of building an antenna.
The best thing you can do for yourself is find a hobby. I cannot emphasize that enough. Get a hobby. Find something you have always wanted to do and go do it. You have no one to tell you not to now. The sky is the limit.
Just my two cents worth on the subject of finding new friends.
I think you should focus on finding and doing things that you enjoy. Once you start doing that friend making will happen automatically, and they will be friends that like you just for being you.
Posting and interacting here is definitely therapeutic and reaffirming. You will get understand and challenged in equal measure - both are supportive in their own way.
Chill out, don't rush, and don't beat yourself up.
I am also in my 60's and single and newly retired (hence the frequent posting :)
The ideas you got from the posters are wonderful. I have something to add--make a bucket list and if you don't know what that is, rent the movie. It's a comedy with Jack Nicholsen in it and I guarantee you will startle your pets. You do have a pet, don't you? If you like animals, that's a great place to start. Get yourself a kitty or a puppy and start training it, classes the whole thing. If that goes well, look into getting certified as a therapy pet. You can visit senior residences and nursing homes and bring Fido or Fifi to visit the oldsters. When my mother was in the nursing home, they would all look forward to the day when the pets came to visit. They thought the dogs "remembered" them. This is actually what I am planning to do once I get my storage cube emptied.
I volunteer at a Thrift Store that supports disabled adults by hiring them. Because I have a schizophrenic son, I am good with the disabled kids and also know thrift store pricing being a single mom for so many years. I have made some good friends there - customers as well as other volunteers.
My daughter volunteers at a senior home teaching little classes of how to get the best nutrition for the least price and cooking for one. Today she taught them that you have to cook Southern Greens with tomatoes or oranges, something that has Vitamin C or you do't absorb the iron. (I did not know that!)
So find one of your interests, sounds like you have many, and sniff out a volunteer opportunity that will utilize one of your talents! There is so much need in the world-- now that the LDS church isn't sucking all your energy, you will be able to add your positive vitality to the community where you find yourself.
If you are coming to California, I am in Piedmont, which is the East Bay and we have an exmormon group here that meets monthly. Other areas have active groups as well, so maybe we'll get a chance to clink a drink!
Hi Brandy. Welcome here. You are on a path that will have some grief symptoms for a while. Losing your life foundation and a marriage is equivalent to losing a loved one. And the abruptness of losing those social connections is like a sudden loss of the loved one. Grieve. Let it happen as it should.
When I left, I also lost my marriage. Six months after that, I lost my job and had to move across the country, away from my kids. I tried everything I could to stay, but without money, they would be impoverished, so I made the sacrifice to keep everyone financially solvent (my ex still holds to the "Women of Zion" stay at home mentality and the courts have backed her).
Besides that, leaving the morg and the area, I lost my TBM family for the most part. All of my friends. Coworkers and even an important part of self-identity as an artist (the area I lived in was far more conducive to my art than where I am at).
While I have extended my social circle widely, and I have a lot of friends to hang out with now and then, I'm still grieving and still looking for deeper friendships--someone who can understand the strange perspective I've risen out from.
I can tell you, the freedom of the truth is a far better trade than remaining under delusion. I am happier with knowing and struggling socially than I would under a lie.
Wish you (and all lurkers in the same situation) all the best.
You guys are awesome. This affirmation from all of you has given me a new lease on life. I am ready to go after this new phase. I do have dogs that have brought me so much joy right now. Talk about unconditional love that I used to hear about at church but never felt.
I remember hearing a talk about unconditional love and wondering all the time when it was supposed to kick in.
I love people and I LOVE TO LAUGH but not at someone elses expense.
I am going over all of the comments carefully and start my own "bucket list" The first thing is to get back to the coast and the ocean. I'm trading in the snowshoes for flip flops