I've been looking around at a few places about exmormons, and it seems like some exmormons are bitter, but usually only for a while after leaving the church. Most are generally much happier in their lives, but seem to want to warn others not to get involved with the LDS church. But the still Mormon families are incredibly cruel to their family members who leave.
This even happens to me, though it doesn't really bother me, its much more of an an annoyance. However, since it would be invasive to tell other people's experiences, I'll write down my experiences and anyone who would like to comment is welcome to do so.

When I left the church, I got a call from each of my five sisters practically screeching at me about how my apostasy was going to ruin any chance I would ever have of finding peace, happiness or having a strong family. They wept and pleaded with me to go back to the temple and enjoin the spirit before I was lost, forever cast away into outer darkness. My brother was happy to tell me that I would never be able to gain a closeness to god or be blessed if I didn't live as Mormons do. He said that no one could ever be as close to god as Mormons are. In his incredibly shameless way, he basically said that God would be ignoring me henceforth. The most obnoxious part of it is that they all play perfect Mormon moments, but not one of them has attended church in the past five years, unless one of their children was being baptized.
Now, fifteen years after the fact, they're all miserable, they all despise their spouses, they dread church and church obligations like going to the dentist. They all pretend happiness and say their mormon quotable quotes. Half of them have been divorced at least twice and are always embroiled in a custody dispute with an ex who's alleging some crazy thing, which they probably did.
I ended up happily married, with a bunch of kids who I think are actually really cool, very short people. (Not extensions of myself, people of their own.)
I'm split between feeling very sad for their misery and fighting the urge to call them all and rub my happy life in their faces...because they sure can't stand seeing me happy.
Of course, mormons love backbiting, so naturally, when inevitable hardships crop up no matter how trivial they are, including getting a flat tire in my driveway, they Jump all over it as a sign of God's dislike of me and make sure I know that this is due to my apostasy. Being the total snark that I am, I usually respond by asking them why, if they're so faithful, is their life such a mess??
Aside from my oh so witty retorts, I find it ridiculous and mean spirited to just wait for someone to have even the mildest problem and then leap onto them like a rabid, starving coyote with an "ah-ha! See? God hates you!"
The worst of all is the blaming you for things beyond your control. My brother once inferred that a woman's son was born with half a heart because the woman drank iced tea. That's the day I learned that Mormons will believe absolutely anything a man says in an authoritative voice. No one even tried to argue with him other than myself, but the idea, as ludicrous as it is, was already on the wind and she was devastated when she found out what he'd been saying. Why attack someone in such a way? Why make what was likely the worst time in her life an absolute hell all over aga

It depends on how you define "bitter." I'm mostly mellow now that I have quit, but I can get damn bitter or angry when thinking about how the LDS church "authorities" (such as they are) lie to their own people and the public, and how they feel a need to bilk their members out of hard-earned money when they run a self-sustaining and very successful, lucrative real estate development corporation that could feed and educate millions. I hesitate to own the term "bitter ex-Mormon."

As you say, Mormons love backbiting and gossip, and trying to pull ahead of others by using the faults of others against them. That is a form of bitterness, too, on the part of the Mormons. I, too, have been able to point out that life is pretty good, and that the Mormons in my life have suffered setbacks that I have not been subjected to. That's because life is totally random, no matter who you are, good Mormon or not.

Since when is it anyone's business to mindread how exmos feel? Then judge them harshly? This bitterness in my opinion is more in the eye of the beholder than within me or other exmos I know.

Besides, if someone did happen to feel bitter, why is it anyone else's business? Unless they're openly lashing out and harming innocents, their inner feelings are private and not open to harsh unsubstantiated scrutiny.

Understanding narcissism has helped me know how to deal with Mormons and deflect their toxic behavior.

I have been essentially an ex-Mormon since 2007, so about six years. I stopped paying tithing, still go to church only to keep family peace. I don't believe in it at all.

I went through a bitter and angry phase and every so often I get a little worked up, but not much anymore. I've moved on.

My wife's family are hillbilly Mormons from Utah county. They are all TBM. Withing her family of eight siblings, five of the seven who were married have divorced (the eighth never married). Several grandkids have divorced. Drug abuse and depression problems abound. Money problems are epic. Lack of education is rampant. Sexual abuse has occurred.

Meanwhile, at the apostates' home (me), I will have been married for 30 years this August. I have a good job, five kids, who are in college or graduated, and have finally started saving money for retirement in a real way. We have fun as a family (cruises, trips) and get along with each other.

Now I find this whole picture odd because I am not doing it the Mormon way, yet a great amount of success has come my way. The TBMs meanwhile, are in terrible shape, really, honestly, no exaggeration. I feel bad for them and have helped several of them monetarily over the last 15 or so years.

I don't gloat or anything like that. I wish they could break out of their cycle of poverty and break away from something that is hurting them badly (the church, tithing, big families, lack of education amongst all, especially the girls). They won't get help for depression. I love them and want them to have a better life. All I can do is suggest things, which of course goes unheeded.

Sigh...

"ah-ha! See? God hates you!"


Hahahahaha!!! That had me laughing out loud xD

I know that being 'trapped' in the lds mentality did set me back in different aspects of my life, especially financially. I am slowly recovering. Three years of not "paying" tithing. yeah!

When I was TBM I used to see exactly what you describe, that if I looked at two families of similar background and financial situations, the non-mormon or jack-mormon-non-tithe-payer family seemed happier, or at least more relaxed and certainly with better clothes and toys. The TBM family seemed more stressed. The burden the church puts on families is heavy, it takes its toll on those who try hard to do all that is required. And whatever "blessings" are sent their way, they are quickly taken by the church, i.e. a pay raise, an extra week of vacation or any talent that is developed.

I wish I had seen the truth before. And yes, I do wish I could help my friends who are still in. I see them now with different eyes, they look stressed and tired, just like I did when I was in. The lds church keeps making demands on their time, their talents, their families and their money.

On Sunday I went to a festival, had a great time, spent some money on food, etc. On my way back, it hit me, the lds church took away my entertainment money and time. Even now, I spend less on entertainment in a month of what I gave in tithing to the lds church. I never had much time to do anything because Saturday was my only free day to keep up the home, shopping, preparing for chruch, etc. So literally, the church took all the fun out of my life!

With a God complex.

I keep saying this hoping it catches on. It's just a church. It's just a church.

Nothing more special than any other church. Of course that's not what they claim. They have the "new and improved" church guaranting more hapiness in the next life.

I think saying to Mormons that it is just a church really speaks to the mainstreaming that is going and really confuses the message of missionary work.

To me, the word bitter implies a whole attitude but I wasn't bitter at everything and everyone. I was angry at the way many members treated me but that was completely understandable. They would be the first ones to scream "persecution" if people lied about them, made up stories that made them look bad, avoided them, talked down about them etc. It didn't make me bitter toward Mormons but I'll admit being disgusted by a number of specific individuals. Their behavior was appalling and why should I be forced to condone people who act like that, just because they call themselves Mormon? Mormon meanies want a carte blanche to treat people any way they choose, thinking that it's the responsibility of the person receiving the abusive treatment to be forgiving and kind no matter how they are treated. They are first to condemn people who don't bend over and take what they dish out.

That describes how I've felt by disgusting morgbot behavior at times.

Doesn't mean the same as angry or bitter at all. I frankly haven't seen much of that in the exmo circles I've seen except for very limited time frames after former TBMs find out the whole thing is a fraud.

"Mormon meanies want a carte blanche to treat people any way they choose, thinking that it's the responsibility of the person receiving the abusive treatment to be forgiving and kind no matter how they are treated. They are first to condemn people who don't bend over and take what they dish out."

You described their attitude towards me down to the T.

The more people describe Mormon behavior here, the more it reeks of just pure narcissism. They act like they're royalty and everyone else are their subjects, and when you act differently other than the social role they assigned to you in their narrow minds, it's a hundred lashings with barb-tipped gossip, slander, and bullying.

Do you mind me asking how do you deal with Mormons when they act like that to you? The only way I can right now is just ignore it and walk away. I know it's shunning, and I'm lowering myself to their level, but I've put up with their crap for so long I'm just tired of responding to it anymore. My problem is they. won't. stop. It feels like harassment bordering on stalking :(



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 05/29/2013 10:32AM by liminal state.

That's not shunning. That's avoiding toxic behavior.
You don't give offense to these people who are nasty or shun you for no reason, do you? Their avoidance and punishments are unwarranted.
Your avoidance doesn't come with punishment, does it? You do have an obligation to protect yourself, no one else will.
It is not "stooping to their level". They are playing a hurtful, made up game. Not playing their game is just that, not playing their game.

I don't do anything to START their prejudice towards me, but when they do start it, I avoid them and they take this as me being stuck-up and judgmental back. I'm not judging back. I'm doing what you suggested--avoiding toxic behavior and keeping out of the game.

I'm going to bow out of RfM. Don't think I fit in very well. Just lurk from now on.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/30/2013 03:47PM by liminal state.

I don't think winks was implying that you have done anything to start it. It sounded to me like she was validating your statement.

It depends on my mood and the person in question. With some people who are obviously torn between being decent and being afraid of talking to the exmo, I'm super nice in a "love bombing sort of way." It's fun to watch their decent side come out.

If it's a Mormon who is being mean to my face, I do something I would never, ever do with someone I respect. I talk to them like I patiently correcting a naughty child ... something along the lines of "your behavior is not appropriate." I would never be so rude to someone who hadn't started it by being so rude to me.

If they are just shunning, I thank my lucky stars they were kind enough to show me how nasty they are inside and how fake their goodness really is. I also am thankful I've been removed from whatever influences caused them to become so nasty. Reframing it that way makes it much easier to deal with.

Another fun thing is to pretend you don't understand them and act like they are praising you instead of criticizing you or visa versa. They are soooo programmed, used to their pre-written insults bringing pre-ordained responses, that mistaking their intent really throws them.

Finally, speaking of pre-written insults, there is always my favorite "See, this is why people don't respect Mormons" that works for pretty much anything they dish out because they are so shocked at the idea people don't respect Mormons, they are stunned into silence long enough for you to make your point.

Understanding what Shaming is from "Deconstructing Mormonism" helped me to understand the narcissist and shame inducing plague of the church.

I know they are "family". But they sound toxic. They'll resent you if something good comes your way, and blame you if something bad does.

My advice: don't tell them anything about your life. Seriously. To people like that, information is a weapon. If you talk to them at all, talk about the weather and other harmless topics.

You know those semi-obnoxious Christmas letters telling everyone how wonderful everything is? Well, I think that in the case of the OP, they might just be considered educational!

frankenfurter Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I ended up happily married, with a bunch of kids
> who I think are actually really cool, very short
> people. (Not extensions of myself, people of their
> own.)

What a beautiful way of putting it! I wish all parents saw it this clearly. They are tiny people with their own minds. And the only people who should be making them are people who think they're "really cool."