Was going to put this in another thread (angry drunks) but instead would like to get your opinions on what to do.

I'm beginning to suspect my new housemate is an alcoholic. She's only 29, so she has a long time to damage herself if she is. Very sad. She's from a steelworking background in the midwest, a redneck, which is OK, but I'm a greener, but so far we get along fine.

I signed a 5 month lease to houseshare (took over another's lease) - I think I got myself into a bad situation, and I'd like to leave. She even told me she thinks she has a drinking problem. She works at the hospital and is responsible otherwise and a nice person, except when I find wine bottles around and she's being very dramatic, always over some guy.

I'm very quiet and considerate and I end up taking out the trash all the time and doing housework because she doesn't. But she's also not here a lot, so that's a good thing. I haven't had a roomie for a long time and maybe didn't research this very well, in retrospect, the woman I replaced told me all was great here, but I think she was trying to get herself out.

I'd like to move out, but I signed a lease and I have dogs, so it's hard to find anything. Thoughts and advice much appreciated. Ironically, she's also very religious (not Mormon) and keeps wanting to talk religion. As an atheist, I'm not interested and don't want to insult her or make her unhappy, I think her faith is all she has left, she sure hasn't got any self-respect or esteem. Lots of potential, though, but it's not my job to fix anyone but myself, which I work on daily. But I do try to encourage her and tell her she's a special person when I can.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 01/23/2011 10:25AM by lostinutah.

around is a BIG plus..... i say stay...and for the next 5 months ...keep a look out for something more better!! :)

I know, I keep thinking that, except when she is around, she usually has some guy with her and they're partying. Overnight sometimes.

Argh - she just came home after spending the night who knows where reeking of alcohol.

I feel bad for her, and bad for me. :)

I have the same problem. Make yourself scarce during times when it is especially irritating. If she wants to have a man over, set it up by appointment so that you can again make yourself scarce, like going out for coffee with a friend or going to the library. I sleep when my roommate is awake, and the converse. It works for me, because I don't wear my hearing aids when I am sleeping, maybe earplugs will work for you. As for the religious rants when she is drunk, ahhh, the same thing works. I also pray for my roomie when this happens. Just let it slide over the top of your head.

Don't let her know how much money you have. Where alcohol is, there is often cocaine and marijuana, etc. If you suspect this, it may be best to call the police. Remember you are held responsible if there are illegal drugs in apt.

Continue doing the housework, as much as possible. Let one thing slide that is not too much of an inconvenience, like swabbing the toilet. Then, one day when she is sober and in a reasonable mood, call her on it. Gradually up the ante on other chores, until you have a list of responsibilities you can agree on.

Get together for a nice home-cooked meal once a week.

That is how I cope.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 01/23/2011 02:13PM by me.

>> Where alcohol is, there is often cocaine and marijuana, etc.
That's one of the dumbest things I've ever read on this board.

My advice would be to lock your room if you can. You cannot control another's drinking. And look for a new place.

As for not being able to find a place because you have pets, there are plenty of people who love dogs. Just kep looking.

>Where alcohol is, there is often cocaine and marijuana

or tea and coffee. Don't forget those.

That's probably one of the daftest things I have ever read on this board.

Where alcohol goes, cups follow. I can't tell you what a big problem cups are. Cups are also associated with tea and coffee. Soon they will be part of the temple recommend questions.

"Do you believe in God the eternal Father, and in his son Jesus Christ and in the Holy Ghost."

"I do."

"Are there any cups on your home?"

You fidget.

"Brother Black this is a serious question, are there any cups in your household?"

"There may have been a cup or two there once."

"I'm sorry to inform you that I cannot sign this recommended. I'm putting you on formal probation. You and I will need to meet again next week at etc..."

The only logical solution is to get rid of the cups drink with a fork. The water portion sacrament will be served as Jello in case you were wondering how that would work.

ROTFLMAO!!!

Matt and MIB: Those are some of the funniest posts I've read in a while.

But to get back to the OP, let's see:
Midwest
Redneck
Steelworking family
Alcoholic

I really do hope, for your sake, you get to travel a bit. You remind me of my cousin, who has lived in Provo for decades and never leaves. But do not take umbrage. I knew noting about the Midwest before I moved here. And I'm sure as I made some broad generalizations about things I knew nothing about. It's rather embarrassing when I think about it. But, alas, hindsight is 20/20.

As a side note, the founder of Google went to a Midwestern University. You know, Google? The company that is taking over the world? Not bad for a bunch of country bumpkins.

T-Bone (transplant to the Midwest)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/24/2011 01:35AM by T-Bone.

I was not being prejudiced, I was merely pointing out there might be cultural differences, as I'm from NW Colorado. I have actually travelled all over the world and even lived in the midwest for a bit. My parents are both from the midwest. I have lived in three foreign countries, all considered very very different from where I grew up and I loved it.

And she IS a redneck and from a steelworking family, where drinking is more acceptable than say, some yuppie family from Boulder (they probably are more likely to smoke pot, my neighbors in Boulder were both attorneys and were social potsmokers). She actually told me this when I first met her, I didn't ask about her background, to me it's not important. She said, literally, "I'm a redneck from a midwestern steelworking family, so watch out!" She was laughing and I also found it kind of funny. My answer was, "I'm from a NW Colorado hick town which is also very redneck." I have a lot of oilworkers in my family who are as redneck as they come. And they drink.

You know, being politically correct is BS, if you saw prejudice there maybe you should consider that none was meant nor exists. I happen to know personally that many rednecks drink, it goes with the territory (not saying they're alcoholics). I think all humans are prone to finding something that suits their needs for relaxation or escape, whether it be drugs or alcohol or sugar or whatever. In fact, all mammals are prone to addictions. Certain social classes have their drugs of choice and that are more accepted in that class.

Since when is stating facts being prejudiced? I have a degree in anthropology and really enjoy studying cultural differences, it's what makes the human race interesting. My next door neighbor is an animal trapper and I love animals and yet we can sit down and have a good conversation over a beer or two. I try to see people as they are and accept that cause I sure as hell am far from perfect. Perfect is boring.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/24/2011 10:12AM by lostinutah.

Not steelworkers. There are far more rednecks in Colorado than in the "midwest". I think the term you meant to use was "blue collar".
BTW, "redneck" is a bit of a pejorative term.
It refers to the sunburned necks of people who work OUTDOORS.
Colorado has primarily a ranching and farming heritage. Don't let the concentration of yuppies in little islands like Boulder fool you. That's not the real Colorado.

And, I agree with the poster that said you need to travel more and at least open yourself up to people from different backgrounds and cultures. Once I began to get to know "blue collar" people I found some of the finest human beings I've ever known.

I believe it's alcohol.

so dont be dissin us!!! we are nice....to a point!! :)
also try not to be so judgemental....just be mental!! :) no..... but your comments about she spent the night....who knows where.... really should not be any issue for you.... she is a roomate not a child.... and i relished the nights that my roomie wasnt there!
oh and i dont think you can be a redneck ...an NOT drink!!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/24/2011 01:12PM by bignevermo.

so do not try and 'fix' her! Ignore the silly postings . . . they are funny as heck, but you do have serious issues here.

Keep on avoiding your roomate and her shennanigans and protect your pets! Put your valuables away in a safe deposit box in a bank (a good investment!) and make sure you never leave money where she can get to it--even if it is in your wallet or purse, even if unattended for a just a few minutes. An alcoholic has no boundaries.

It is not your responsibility to take care of this woman--nor should you enable her by taking care of her business, so clean up your areas but leave hers alone. This may mean storing your dishes and other items in your rooms after cleaning them and perhaps even eating out on a regular basis to avoid bugs, but do not clean up after her. She will eventually get the message.

Cleaning up after her and looking after her business is what is known as enabling and you don't want to go there.

Contact Al-Anon--a group for people who have to deal with alcoholics. They can help you deal with the day to day living situation--and do look for a better place to live, one that will accept your pets!

Al Anon and groups like them will give your the tools to talk to her and deal with her--but if you choose not to go to them that is fine. Just remember, you need to look after yourself and your pets first. In five months you can leave. Good luck!

That depends very much on the alcoholic. And is, in my experience, a rather large generalisation.

I have known alcoholics who are very honest in their dealings with other people. It's just that they drink a hell of a lot. Perhaps more than is good for them.

There have been studies done on alcohol abuse in certain professions. Medicine is one such.

She might not do the cleaning because she is lazy or feels unable to do this after a shift at work at the hospital, or she might just be lazy. And there are plenty of lazy people who are no alcoholics.

Do I detect, in some of these replies, a touch of Mormon think? I am rather afraid that I might.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/23/2011 08:03PM by matt.

She's not a thief and is actually very considerate when she's not drinking and apologizes a lot. And she's not a rip-roaring drunk, well, not most of the time, just buzzed out. I don't clean up after her, just the trash and a little vacuuming now and then, I know what enablement is and have no interests in that.

And no, she's not into drugs. I think she's just kind of lost.

My pets are in no danger, and I have nothing of value here, it's not as bad as some might think. Not yet, anyway.

But good news, it looks like she may be getting back with her former boyfriend, and if so, she will literally never be here. <fingers crossed>

I'll be very honest with you lost in Utah. I'm not sure what the problem is. Annoyance? I hated half my roomates too and they were stone cold sober. The men? The hours? Are you worried you may start drinking yourself?

I drink on occasion. I've been drunk on occasion. I don't think I qualify as an alcoholic. I don't crave it. I dont need it. I don't get the shakes without it. It has never interfered with my ability to function (except while under the influence). I'm one of the lucky few who don't get hangovers.

I'm not trying to downplay alcoholism. That will kill you dead. It's a serious condition. But not all who drink, even not all who drink heavily, are alcoholics. The best measure of real alcoholism is how does it interfere with your life? How is this impacting you? What exactly is the problem?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/23/2011 10:00PM by The Man in Black.

Pure irritation, I guess. I'm used to living alone and am easily distracted from all the stuff I need to be doing, as my time on this forum will attest. :)

But she is very into drama when she drinks, and she seems to be drinking all the time.

My experience is that 25% are great, 50% are tolerable, and 25% are awful.

As for housework, it's almost never going to be ideal with roommates. The best thing to do is to have periodic joint cleaning sessions (i.e. "For the next hour, let's see how much we can get done. I'll do the kitchen and the hallway bathroom. You do the living room and the back bathrooom.") A good rule for dishes is, "No dishes in the sink," meaning that all dishes get put into the dishwasher immediately after every meal or snack. If roommates persistently refuse to do dishes, a last-resort measure is to pile them in a dishpan and leave them in the offender's bedroom.

As for the drinking, it may not be pleasant or ideal, but it doesn't sound like it has to affect you all that much. Just go hang out in your room if she's too annoying.

The one thing that I would insist on is that she not bring random men back to your place. If it's her steady boyfriend, sure, but if it's a random hookup, tell her to go to the guys's place instead.

If she is too noisy at times, just talk to her about it (i.e. "I'm sorry, but I'm trying to get some sleep, would you mind talking a little more softly and lowering the music?") Most roommates will try to accommodate you on this.

Having roommates is fun through about your early to mid-twenties. After that, it just gets old. I feel for you.

She doesn't sound like an alcoholic to me. She sounds like she likes to drink -- and if she can afford it, what's the harm, really? She's a little lost? She's 29!! Half the population is lost at 29!!

One of my roommates works at a liquor distribution place, and gets a TON of free booze that he brings home. He drinks vodka tonics or cape codders every day. He brings home girls ALL the time -- like 2 or 3 a week. That's alright. I sleep with earplugs anyways.

My other roommate loves his wine, and drinks wine every day when he gets home. Sometimes it's a couple glasses. Sometimes it's a bottle. He's very good at his job and very clean. He brings home boys fairly often, and spends the night at their places sometimes too. He's okay with it all.

I like my irish whiskey, but I also like good beer. I drink less than they do, but mostly because I'm the poor student of the house. If I have a big test or something, I give them a week's heads-up, and they're quiet the night before. When I took the LSAT, they left me a basket of breakfast and a good-luck note to discover in the kitchen when I got up that morning. Just because they drink a lot doesn't make them alcoholics, or bad people.

People will be who they are, you can't really change that. TELL HER what's been bugging you, though, and go buy some earplugs. Suck it up. It's the way it goes with roommates sometimes.

On a side note, I hope you find someplace you're happy too. I've never lived in a household with more love and adoration for each other than this one, and I wish everyone could get that.

I went through a heavy drinking period in my early 20's. I drank alcohol everyday and was pretty much buzzed constantly for two semesters. Typical college stuff and it gets old. It's called heavy drinking and overall, it was a lot of fun. LOL!

Heavy drinkers like to get drunk. They like to party. Been there done that. Alcoholics HAVE to have a drink. One sign is if they get irritable and get the shakes if they go without alcohol for a day or two. If they can't find booze they start to panic. That's an alcoholic. A heavy drinker will go,"Oh man, we are out of booze and none to be had. Who want's to play cards?"

Is she cute? Nothing better than a cute drunk girl.

Flame away!

Ron

You can make a difference. She needs you and your manly qualities to truly find her authentic self... You owe it to the world...

And of course, after you're done, come see me and we'll find you a shrink who specializes in testicle transplants, and after, oh, four or five years, you'll be as good as new...

BTW, in the "Computer Ate My Homework Department," I thought I posted a reply that agreed with what T-bone said (I don't think it was pulled; I think I screwed up with "Preview"), that the best course was to get out (assuming the lady is an alcoholic, and I've seen no evidence to the contrary).

I characterized the situation as one being "between a rock and a hard place," and that I was troubled by what I would call "whiskey talk pseudo-religion" (there are lots of other kinds of pseudo-religions, of course, IMHO, as well as authentic ones). That's fairly diagnostic of some major issues, and the problem is healthy people hanging around sick ones doesn't help the sick one get better, but rather the other way 'round...

LOL, yup, I could probably use some manly qualities, especially since I'm a woman (and not gay). That might solve everything. :)

But she is a nice person, even when drunk, which is more than I can say for some people who don't even drink (not aimed at you or anyone on this board, you guys all rock.)

I'm not really qualified to say how cute she is (as a woman who doesn't really know what makes guys go crazy for women), but I think most would say she's attractive.

Whoops, supposed to be an answer to Ron.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/24/2011 10:44AM by lostinutah.

Meh. I was just kidding. Both my parents were alcoholics. No fun.

Ron

I know, I got it and thought it was fun. Drinking parents would be really hard to grow up with. Kudos for turning out so cool.

Not everyone who drinks is an alcoholic and not everyone who lives with an alcoholic is in denial or an enabler.

You need to figure it out then: are you just annoyed at your roomie's drinking habits, or is she truly an alcoholic? Maybe she's just depressed or having a rough time. Or maybe just enjoying the freedom of being on her own!

But I believe Rubicon's right: a heavy drinker will go "Oh man, we are out of booze and there's none to be had. Who wants to play cards?" I would add: an alcoholic would go through your wallet for money or credit cards--"She won't mind. I'll pay her back!" and drive drunk to the nearest liquor store.

There is a checklist of questions--google alcoholism and see if you can find it. If most of the answers are no, then she's a typical experimental drinker. If the answers are yes, then you need to protect your property and pets.

I repeat: alcoholics have no boundaries. It doesn't matter if they are 'functioning' alcoholics, they are alcoholics. It is a disease and needs treatment (a 12 step program like AA is only one of several options). This isn't Mormonthink. This is the kind of thinking that comes from growing up in an alcoholic home, watching friends and coworker alcoholics, and choosing a second career in the social work field in order to make a difference in the lives of the underprivileged and yes, those with drink and drug problems.

People who make excuses for those who are clearly in trouble with their alcoholic consumption are in denial or enablers or maybe are afraid their own behavior may be called into question.

Once again: not everyone who drinks is an alcoholic and not everyone around drinkers is in denial or an enabler. So educate yourself! Please!

I really do think she's on the road to alcoholism. Fist thing in the morning is a shot of whatever happens to be around. She then gargles and goes to work.

I actually really like her, I'm just not into the drinking all the time stuff. My friend has an alcoholic son, so I know about it from her travails. It will eventually kill you. She has gone through hell, even had him arrested after he tried to kill her once (drunk). My roomie isn't like that - yet, I hope she can get help, she even told me she had a drinking problem after I'd been here a few days, like I wouldn't notice.

Wow, I feel for you, this isn't going to be an easy 5 months for you!

There is nothing wrong with feeling sorry for her, just don't get over involved. Take care of yourself first. Find out where you can direct her second, so that if she does indicate she wants help you can tell her where to get it.

The best of luck to you--keep us posted!

Just got a call from a guy who is a nurse and wants my room (I listed it the other day). As soon as my eye surgery is over he'll visit. He sounds really nice and like someone who can take care of himself. I already told him the story and he says he won't even be here much.

There's a room not far away I can take, it's a dingy basement but I don't care, it will cost a lot less and get me into my own space, has a place for dogs. Fingers crossed...

G'luck!!!

Best of luck w/the new place. I hope the current roomie has the brains not to be driving herself aroung all fucked up like that. As far as I'm concerned people are free to kill themselves with booze as long as they don't have kids and arent endangering other people.