I work at the corporate headquarters of a national organization, and report directly to both the President/CEO and one of the VPs. We're in the middle of a huge overhaul effort of our entire corporate culture. That means a lot of massive projects, one right after the other, most of which I supervise to some degree.

A couple of months ago, my CEO gave me some feedback on one of the projects. He wanted me to integrate something - a detail that is so far removed from his job duties I was shocked he'd even noticed it. However, it was a bad call. A horrible call. It would mean undoing a lot of hard work, careful planning, and reversing a decision that was carefully considered for months. But he insisted we go ahead with it.

My VP started putting pressure on me to make the change, and I totally snapped. For about a week I couldn't sleep, couldn't focus, couldn't get anything else done. I was walking around in this cloudy rage, unable to talk to anyone in the office without getting totally emotional - something that has NEVER happened to me before. I am a very logical thinker - not an emotional person. I have often been called robotic. Part of what was so frustrating was that I couldn't figure out why I was getting so worked up. The moment anyone mentioned the project, this white-hot ball of anger would flare up. I started having anxiety attacks at work. I would shut myself up in my office, waiting until the shaking stopped, trying to calm myself down and wondering why I was so upset.

I tried to explain to my VP why it was the wrong choice, and her response was basically to shrug and say, "You have a good point, but it's what CEO wants." Her attitude (about this particular project and every other project) is that the boss gets what he wants and we have to make him happy. She told me not to bring up any of my concerns with him directly, but to just get it done the way he wanted.

It wasn't until the end of that week, after I went home on Friday night, that it suddenly occurred to me: it was the whole idea of blindly submitting to an authority figure JUST BECAUSE THEY WERE AN AUTHORITY FIGURE. I wasn't being allowed to question him, or to make my opinion heard. My experience and expertise didn't matter. The CEO's LACK of experience and expertise in this certain field didn't matter. He's the boss, and we must do what the boss wants.

"Because I said so, that's why."

Once I recognized this, it was obvious to me that I was getting so upset because it was triggering those feelings of worthlessness that had been ground into me for so long by the LDS church. My own opinions and desires and ambitions didn't matter in mormonism - my path had been pre-determined by some "priesthood authority". It was that feeling of not being able to stand up for myself, not being allowed to speak my mind or make my own choices, that had come rushing back to me that week. That was always the hardest thing for me to deal with as a mormon - allowing someone else to have authority over me and blindly following their commands, even when I disagreed with them.

Once I registered this link, I was able to get over it. I returned to work the next Monday, made the change, and moved on. No more panic attacks, no more rage. I'm still not happy about the project change, but I'm working with colleagues to find ways to make it work. I figured out how to deal with it.

It was a very eye-opening experience for me. The hardest part was figuring out what in the hell was happening to me. I wasn't in control of myself, which only caused more anxiety and made the whole thing worse.

Thanks, mormonism, for totally fucking me up and temporarily turning me into the office crazy person.

Holy crap!

I had a similar situation and reaction at work a few weeks ago that put me into such a state that my boss had to talk me out of quitting on the spot. (He wasn't involved with the issue)

I got through it and have pretty well moved on without knowing exactly why I freaked, but your post made me realize that it was because of the complete lack of respect towards my expertise, my immense effort, and my time, that brought back those buried 'you're not good enough and nothing you do really matters' feelings.'

Wow

makes (often devastating) cross overs into work life. And how you noticed it found the connection and resolved it- now be aware for future triggers on this checking its completely resolved. IT was BRILLIANT how you became aware of that.

You write very articulately.

I like how the contrast was, in the church, someone had authority because they were born to have it (male) with priesthood over X Y Z (the rest of the family, as well as the rest of us with no biological relationship due to some distant unknown annointing as a 12 year old right?) with no counseling training, no practicum, no interpersonal development, or communication skills training, no training save apparently job shadowing picking up fast offerings as teens with older ones already drivers. Submit to that!

I love how consistent and logical this system is. (NOT!) SEriously now I, like you, submit only to those who actually ARE in authority over me, because they EARNED it, they hired me, I choose it, and, I notice, like you, who is not, and I am sure that despite the fact they have ideas they are not intended by god or the organization or anyone to dominate my ideas when they are simply peers, if that.

Your logic in your post, your describing your projects and huge staff development efforts entirely made sense. Your response did too.

good thing thank goodness you noticed it! and did not go off, ending a word relationship taking all the energy damned by the mormon experience into an expression of frustration, pent up frustration, so undefined specifically to that one experience that you couldn't label it, couldn't predict it would be, a hobble to you, be part of your reaction package to deal with...

your response rocks, you got it. You know what's going on.