Everyone is going to figure out who this is, but I'm going to have to post anonymously about it anyway. Also, due to heavy duty personal problems, this will be my last post in the unforeseeable future. What I'm about to write no one can help me with.

I am having cog dis about the abuse I have suffered through & continue to suffer through. I know it's abuse, but I try to rationalize it away. I try to say that it isn't that bad, that I deserve it, or that it isn't abuse at all. I have tried to get help in the past, and have either been very afraid & backed out, or I was turned away. Right now, the emotional abuse is so bad, I want to kill myself and be dead. I tried to get help, I tried to use the online chat for suicide prevention, but they acted like nothing was wrong. Because what I go through isn't as bad as what other people go through, I constantly rationalize that what happens to me isn't abuse at all, and also that I'm not worthy of even being helped. That I will be turned away from being helped because of my situation. I haven't been hit or beaten in almost three months, but it doesn't matter. (I'm beaten only several times a year, sometimes with years in between without being beaten, but the mental/emotional abuse is daily.) I have a very thick skin, and hardly bruise. Physical abuse is hard to prove. All of it is hard to prove. I have been told that no one will believe me. Right now, that seems like the case. I have been told that I'm not being abused at all, but am the abuser. When I called them out on the abuse, I said for them to stop gas lighting me, & they said I was gas lighting them. They said they would have me arrested for abusing them, and even make up false charges to make things look worse. They also said that they were going to have me committed to a psychiatric facility. This person has been telling me for years they don't want me in their life, yet they have mentally beaten me so far down, that I have to stay where I am. Also, any time I make plans to try to change my life, they tell me I'm going to fail, so it's best not to even think about it. Then they tell me that they never said anything to the effect, and that all of my negativity is internal and not coming from them - that I'm the one holding myself back. They also say that I don't need a degree, something I've been working on part time several years now. This abuse I'm going through has sabotaged my health, my ability to hold down a job, my education, & my ability to make friends. I have absolutely no friends whatsoever, and that isn't going to change anytime soon. I have tried to get other help, welfare/EBT & such, but because of a technicality, I don't qualify. The person abusing me wants me to be ruled mentally incompetent so that I can be on SSI, so that they can be the one getting the money.

I am not a good person, I am a horrible person in fact, and I have made really bad mistakes as reactions to the abuse, and to how bad my life is in general. They all reflect negatively against me in the worst ways. Because of my mistakes, I feel as if I deserve everything bad that happens to me.

I am never going to get out of this hell that I created for myself.

i have no idea what to say ...

so i'll just send you a big virtual hug

You are not a horrible person-there are people out there who create hell for others-you are sensitive-keep visiting this site cause there are lots of people here who have help-dont give up- wishing you strength...

Honestly, any other environment would be better than where you are. A battered woman's shelter would be a good place to start.

Do whatever you need to do to get out. In the past, it's been suggested by others that California has good social services for those in need.

You won't have a chance at good mental health until you get away from your abusers. Look at it this way -- wherever you go, it has got to be better. It *has* to be.

Well, I think you should stick around because I know someone who is by society's definition a "horrible person". He doesn't do things that are right in the sight of the law. Sometimes people get trapped. There has to be someone in your world that would miss you and loves you. Anyway, this person I know who sounds likes has about the same difficulities as you have in life. He's actually very nice to people he cares about, but he doesn't know I see that. There has to be a way for your life to be happier. I would not listen to the verbal poison those around you feed you, remind yourself that what those negative people in your life, what they think - means nothing. I could hear his pain, and it hurt me too, but he doesn't know that. You don't have to be perfect to be loved. The one guy I know is not perfect, but I'm wrecked if he chose not to exist in it at all. Too bad I can't talk to him more. I don't give a crap what society thinks. Not anymore. Just find one positive thing in each day to live for, you'll get though it and your life will improve. It will be okay.

I'm sorry for the pain you're feeling. I wish things could be better for you. Please know that nobody "deserves" to be abused.

You mention that the "online chat" suicide prevention wasn't of much help to you. There are telephone numbers to call for suicide prevention that may work better for you. Here is the message from RfM Admin (posted at top of first page of this board):

Suicide Hotline. Please use the number if you have suicidal thoughts!! We can help at RfM with transitioning out of a cult, but we are not professionals nor can we be physically present if you are seriously distressed.

NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION LIFELINE NUMBER

1-800-273-TALK (8255)

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

-----

I hope you find someone to talk to and that things improve for you. I second the suggestion above about finding a shelter to go to asap. Once you take that step, you will likely be able to take other steps to get yourself on a better track. One step after another will help you get to a better place. You don't have to do everything all at once. I hope you can check in and let us know how you are doing. All the best to you.

Voice recorders and video recorders are in many common electronic gadgets. Start recording.

I don't qualify for a shelter because its my dad abusing me & I'm an adult. I will be laughed at to my face, & told to go away. If I leave this house the only place for me to go to is a very unsafe homeless shelter, a pure hellhole just as bad as my house. I don't qualify for benefits - EBT & such - because I'm a student, & the rules are that for students to qualify for EBT they need to be working 20 hours a week. Even when I was working a regular job part time, I was working my ass off, & 3/4 of the time I couldn't get that 20 hours a week. I guess I'm just a sad sack fucking loser. I'm sorry for bothering everyone. I wasn looking for help here with my suicidal thoughts. I was nust telling about what happened when I used the chat version on that National hotline. It was their online chat, & theydidnt seem to give a damn or even listen to me. Goodbye.

There are shelters for abused housewives, why wouldn't you qualify? You are in a dependent position and you are being hit.

Because it isn't spousal abuse or child abuse. I am a 30-something adult being abused by a parent over 70 years old. It doesn't matter the I'm a woman, & this parent doesn't look, talk, or act like they're elderly. Most people mistake them for being in their late 50s. No one takes the situation seriously even when I tried to get help multiple times. I'm supposedly just supposed to be smart enough & strong enough to not even let this shit happen. It's all my fault for causing it. People think of me as a joke, and probably a liar. & I will never be accepted into any shelter except the one for homeless people.

THEY WONT TURN YOU AWAY CUZ HES YOUR DAD! As long as youve been under the same roof for six months You qualify!! The shelters are that bad. AT least not in ut.or wa (I dont know others) They have case workers and supper vissors to keep an eye on things. The YWCA is an excellent & supportive place to be. It was the 1st place I when to.They have good counsellors. You DONT HAVE to File a Police report! If your in the slc area I think I can help you. I want to give you my #but I can on this site.

PS. I ment to say shelters ARNT that bad. the first night at the ywca was the best nites sleep ever! Where abouts do you live? If your in the slc area I think I can help you! If you want I'll call the shelters for you. Get the info. Dont worry about them laughing at you. Even if they dont listen,they are people you'll never see again. I have a apt w/no spare bed but u can sleep on the florr if u want. Til I find a place for you.

Then that is abuse. It doesn't matter if

"I have a very thick skin, and hardly bruise"

"I haven't been hit or beaten in almost three months"

"Because what I go through isn't as bad as what other people go through"

"I'm beaten only several times a year, sometimes with years in between without being beaten"

You are being hit. You have been hit. You are likely to be hit again.
That is abuse.

Yes others go through what you go through!!!
You are not to be hit AT ALL! You are being abused.

Thick skin that doesn't bruise does not mean you are not being hit!!!

You are being abused.


You are also programed to deny the abuse and cover for it with excuses saying that because there is no proof it doesn't happen or it isn't as bad as what others go through! That is not good thinking on your part and keeps you in the abusive cycle.

Get on the phone to the hot line and yell at them!

Do not commit suicide....go to a shelter.

If you're a man...grab a suitcase and go to a gospel mission house and get out of the abuse!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/15/2013 06:17PM by Susan I/S.

I'm sorry for causing so many problems.

sending another big hug your way

You are a beaten down individual because of years of abuse and you have to actually DECIDE not to let them do it anymore. I was abused as well so I know what kind of psychological damage an abuser can inflict on an individual. Make a plan, investigate your options, set a date (may be 1 week or two months) and get the hell out of there. Setting a goal may actually empower you to stay motivated. Then get some serious help. You need to get control of your life and take charge of it.

where on earth do you live....that no one will help!...I would call the DV hotline...lie...say your BF is abusing you and you have no where to go..you are not safe..they dont check..they get you in immediately and you have no children...so there is a room!!!

++++ This. +++ You need to get out of there NOW.

Call the Domestic Violence Hotline. Say it's your Boyfriend. They don't check!!! In lesa than 24 hours you can be out of there!

you call and say you are at a gas station or somewhere..you have to be out and ready...it happens immediately ....

Been there, still there some. It gets better once you leave. Not right away but over time.

Now, is the time to just walk away. Be done with that place and walk away.

You come here because you need permission to do something that is right for you. Well, you have mine and several other's here. Just get up and walk away. Follow your heart, that is screaming at you, to just get away.

I know the dark place you are in. Sometimes nothing anyone says makes you feel better. I am not here to make you feel better. I am here to tell you take that darkness that you are in and use it as your strength to get out. You have the strength to come here to say something you have the strength to end the torture.

Now, is the time. Walk away and become the person you have always wanted to be. The person you deserve to be.

Someday you can learn to see yourself and to forgive yourself.

Thank you to all for listening. Because of other circumstances, I can't just up & leave. I have to tread very lightly, & plan very carefully. No one can find out what is going on. It would make things worse, and ruin my life even more. I know it's going to take some time to get out of this house, but I realize I have to do it this way.

What do you need to have in place before you can go?

Another thing to remember is that mental/emotional abuse is also abuse. Sometimes the effects are even harder to deal with than physical abuse. It is not hard to point to the bruises and say that was bad, but nobody can see what it does to your heart and mind when you are made to feel worthless, stupid, etc. One of the favorite tools of abusers is to make it "all your fault". If you were only (fill in the blank) everything would be fine. Know that you are worthwile. Know that you can do something about it even if it does take some time to get there. And most importantly, make a plan and follow through. You can do it!

It's summer. School is out. Three months to try to get a job and set aside an escape fund. Of course you should probably just say you are in summer classes... Make a goal that you will be starting a new life by New Year's. You deserve to be happy and free from abuse. It won't be easy but you can do it. Plan to head to the other end of whatever state you are in so you'll be able to continue schooling at in-state rates. Let no man tell you that you don't need or can't earn a degree. You can!

I FEEL so bad about everything your say. I want to help you. Can u go to a domestic violence shelter? They often will cout emotional abuse. I went the yw.wnen my ex killed a bird infront of me! Make a plane. All the stuff Hes telling you is BS. He doesnt want you to leave. Dont wait for the next time YOU KNOW IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN!! Dont apply for SS til you out. He will keep it! And they give more if your alone. Call shelters now to get info. most ant take you that day! Pack a bag w/essentuals.U CAN! I DID

I've been in a similar situation and I got out. One of the things that served as a wake up call and gave me some practical advice for getting out was reading a book called "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. Many of the tactics you mentioned in your post are explained in the book and you are definitely being physically and psychologically abused. Please keep us updated and let us know when you are in a safe place.

HERES IS THE NUMBER FOR the YWCA, I already called them.And asked them if it matters that your an adult child being abused by her father. She didnt thinkso! (801)537-8600! Its the crisis line. she said if your not in the area she can hook you uo w/another one close to you!

Take ownership for what's going on. You can do it. You can make changes. You are not responsible for the abuse, you are responsible for yourself and for protecting yourself. You can do it.

Things may look hopeless now, but making positive changes will help. It will be hard, but it will be worth it. If not for yourself, think of the other people you can help by telling your story.

The OP didn't specify his/her gender. If OP is male that would pose a problem to a DV shelters solution.....