And never tell my mom I resigned from the church.

I had another conversation with her yesterday over the phone. The subject came up about someone I grew up with that resigned from the church. I commented about how this person's parents kept stepping over the line and insisting on teaching their grandchildren about mormonism in spite of the parents wishes. My mom defended the grandparents! I told my mom it was disrespectful. My mom disagreed and said it was hard on the grandparents and they were just trying to do the right thing.

UGH! So my mom basically confirmed what I secretly feared: when she finds out I've left mormonism behind, she will go out of her way to teach it to my children regardless of my wishes.

I know my mom means well, and she genuinely loves me and my children. Luckily I live 1400 miles away so it limits her possible interaction teaching mormonism to my children.

So what if she means well? The road to the miserable cult is paved with good intentions.

The exact same thing happened in my family. My one TBM brother has a nevermo wife (long story). The kids were all the best kids you would ever meet. They went to Mormon church, but when they got to be teenagers they decided they just wanted a normal life.

The parents both were okay about it although it was hard for my TBM brother, but my parents started pushing the religion on the kids hot and heavy. They would not stop, especially with the girls by giving them chastity books which the girls found offensive as it made them feel like they were being called whores.

The result is that two of them avoided my grandparents like the plague and the third will have nothing to do with them under any circumstance.

And I get to listen to my mother trash their mother non stop because of course she gets all the blame as the nevermo. She is absolutely lovely.

My parents actions were disgusting. . . . and meaning well? They would say they meant well, but I say in order to "mean well" there has to be a big dose of sensitivity and grace in there somewhere.

Bulldozing your way through is not meaning well. The bulldozing is Mormon arrogance: We're right and so we have a free pass to do anything we want.


I think if you tell your kids ahead of time what to expect and how to handle it, it can all be okay. No candy from strangers, look both ways before you cross the streets, and for God sakes, when Grandma speaks make sure it goes in one ear and out the other, and then forgive her for she know not what she does.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/16/2013 12:34PM by blueorchid.

blueorchid Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------

> I think if you tell your kids ahead of time what
> to expect and how to handle it, it can all be
> okay. No candy from strangers, look both ways
> before you cross the streets, and for God sakes,
> when Grandma speaks make sure it goes in one ear
> and out the other, and then forgive her for she
> know not what she does.

LOL! I may have to try that route. My poor mom loves us so much and I know it will break her heart when she finds out. She gave all my kids a BoM which we trashed recently. My husband tells the kids that their Nana is crazy and when she talks religion just ignore her.
My oldest will be 13 in three months and he was baptized at 8yrs old. I haven't removed his name from the records although we did have a long talk. I told him that what he chooses to do at 18yrs old is his decision and I will love and respect him. He goes to church with me (a Baptist church), his dad is mormon but inactive and hasn't been to church since we got pregnant with our son when we were teenagers. He will attend tscc with his grandparents (his gpa is in the SP) about once every two or three months. He is pretty comfortable attending anywhere but told me that he thinks the Baptist faith makes more sense than the "crazy mormon thing."

if the kids are comfortable not going to church. Just tell them Grandma's confused, make them promise not to tell her you said that, and then hope they do. >:)

I don't even mind my mom teaching them about Jesus or even reading from the BoM to them because I know it won't have any affect on them since they don't attend. However if she starts telling them that tscc is the only true church then shit will have to hit the fan.

If your mother decides she's going to do whatever she wants, then the answer is simple, no unsupervised visits or contact. You cannot have her undermining you or your authority or your relationship with your kids.

I don't see how pretending to still be Mo is going to do any good, but I don't really see the need to "come out" either. Distance makes it easy for you, but if you don't want Gramma teaching your children about "the one true church," it's going to have to come out. If she is insistent and becomes rabid about it, then the choices are being made for you.

I don't fully trust my mother, and this is not religious, but for years I didn't leave the kids with her unsupervised because I knew I couldn't trust her to follow a few simple guidelines, mostly related to safety. I can see her pitting my children against me if the time is right and it suits a purpose. She does this all the time with her other relationships, so for me, if I were in a situation with die-hard Mormon grandparents who did whatever they wanted, there would be zero tolerance and no unsupervised visits if not cutting them out completely. I have so little wiggle-room when it comes to Mormonism because they just do whatever they want.

It's one thing to teach various beliefs on an academic level and another thing entirely to go after children against their parent's wishes, teaching them completely contrary to what you want, and bulldozing and fracturing relationships. Of course they feel justified.

If I get what you're saying, if you pretend, your mother will maintain a pleasant level, but if you tell her you're out, she'll whip out the teeth and claws and go after your kids with a vengeance. Correct? Good luck with that! Just remember your boundaries and stick.

You hit the nail on the head. If I tell her I'm out of the church completely, I think she may freak out and try to "save" my children. Right now she just makes comments to me occasionally about me needing to take the kids back to church.
I'm not pretending to still be Mo. I have been inactive for almost 4yrs before I resigned (which was very recently. Got my confirmation letter a month ago.) My mom knows I don't attend and she knows I take my kids to a different church. Usually she doesn't push religion, but twice now she's made comments about teaching grandkids (hers or someone else's) about mormonism if the parents left the church for good.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/16/2013 01:25PM by raisingspecialneeds.

I recognize your screen name, but it's hard to keep track of everyone's specific stories. I didn't realize she knew you were out, so it sounds like you're just trying to keep things low-key to keep her from getting out of control. If it works, it works. :)

It's really sad to see this type of attitude, and they feel justified in their behavior...then persecuted when they piss people off. They dig their own holes but will never recognize that they are the problem.

She definitely knows what problems I have with the church and considers my anger "righteous" anger. But she still hopes that as soon as the bishop gets reassigned and a new one comes in, I'll start going back. I don't bring up my molestation as one of the reasons I don't go because I already know how bad her guilt is for allowing herself to be talked out of prosecuting the bastard missionary. I know she made the best choice she could for me at the time, and I love her and am not mad at her. She's always been there for me through all of it and even now, I rant about mishies showing up at my house and she sides with me on me not allowing them in my home or near my children.

I AGREE W/RAISINGspecialneeds, alittle religion from 1400 miles away wont hurt. If she starts insisting its the one & only than youve got a problem. YOUVE GOT a nice buffer zone there so I wouldnt worry too much. If you do tell her;do it when the kids wont be an issue;eg not around xmass time or easter. Give her time to deal w/it.. But if u can put it off GO AHEAD, Youve got a nice buffer zone!

Hard thing is we know those grandparents aren't "evil" just brainwashed into fearing for the kids' salvation. Guess you just play it by ear and do what feels right. But will she notice you aren't on the annual tithings receipt or records as still sealed to her? Eventually she may figure it out and in that case it may be best to pick the timing of the revelation

Hmmm, well tithing no because I live 1400 miles away. As for the sealing thing, how does that work? I went to the temple at 9 to be sealed to her (stepdad adopted me) and once as a teen for baptisms but never held a real recommend. Is she going to get a paper saying I'm not sealed to her anymore?

I think how it works is that they get a slip of paper for tithing at the end of the year, which also lists all children of record. Anyone ex'd or resigned will no longer show up on that list, which of course freaks out the parents and the cat is out of the bag.

Well, I have until December to worry about it then, lol

They show up on the list, but their confirmation date and things like that disappear.

My parents have three children listed. My name has blank space next to it.

That you live far away and won't be seeing your mom often makes it a good oppertunity to come out of the closet. Things will be much more manegable between you if she has had a couple of months to deal with the shock. Also, standing up for yourself is easier when it's on your turf and not hers.

Keep giving THEM information about TSCC that may eventually get them to see the light. For everthing they do to encourage the grandchildren to look at moism, give the GPs even more information about the truth.

You: Have you done your geneaology and do you know the name of the first Mormon on our family tree? If not, then please do that geneaology and then we can discuss it.

Mom: okay the first Mormon was xxxxxxx and he/she was born on MMDDYYYY.

You: What was the religion of that person's parents?

Mom: Their religion was xxxxxxxxxx.

You: How did the first Mormon get to be a Mormon?

Mom: That person left the religion of his/her parents and joined the Mormon Church.

You: Does that mean that every person on the family tree forever afterward has no choice other than to be a Mormon?

Mom: Hmmmmmmmm ?????

You: What if a descendant doesn't want to be a Mormon and chooses to leave the Mormon Church? Isn't that simply undoing the religious decision of the first Mormon? The first Mormon exercised his freedom to make a religious choice, and I want to do the same thing. I want to leave the Mormon Church and do something else with my life.

I think the title of your post nailed it. You don't have to do anything. Removing your name doesn't make that much difference, they lie about the numbers anyway. Why borrow trouble. If your mom hasn't done anything yet, you can continue to drop subtle hints that you wouldn't want interference on a whole range of issues. I wouldn't dream of telling my children how to raise their kids. If you have appropriate boundaries with your mother, she will stay out of your business. If you don't have boundaries, you need to build some. Gently.