This week I'm celebrating an odd anniversary - the two year mark of my return to Utah. It was unthinkable that I would ever live here since even visits were difficult. But my daughter and grandkids are here and I wanted to have some time with them, so I came for a visit. And decided to stick around for awhile.

I've long been an activist in the world of all things gay and mormon and continue to maintain a website called Gay Mormon Stories wherein first person stories are shared from people all over the planet. The devastation in people's lives by the mormon cult makes it impossible for me to turn away even though I'd be really happy to never hear or see the word mormon again a day in my life. I'm one of the lucky ones - I got out alive almost 30 years ago and have managed to create a wonderful life away from that cult that's untouched by its darkness and bigotry. Not everyone is so lucky and even in this moment there are those who are barely holding on. I keep my voice alive and strong for them.

Over the past 30 years or so I've been privvy to the stories of gay and lesbian mormons and their families whose lives have been destroyed by the cult of mormonism. The depths of the heartache are almost impossible to conceive and I've had to learn to keep all of that sectioned into a manageable place; it's either that or die of a broken heart listening to it all. Though somewhat innured to the pain of others I don't take it lightly and nor do I ever dismiss it as being "somebody else's problem."

In the two years I've been back in Utah the experience has gone from hearing about the stories in letters, emails or phone calls to witnessing it all first hand and in person. There are triumphs to be sure, as with a large mormon family who have a gay son and who have rallied around him with extraordinary caring and love - determined that no way on earth are they ever going to lose him. It presents them with a challenge that's hard for most people to comprehend: "Do we choose him, our brother and son, or do we go with the church's condemnation of him?" I've never seen more love being invested even though the conundrum is almost overwhelming. The church makes people choose and it's not the kind of a choice that most are capable of; the default position is usually the church so the gay son or daughter is tossed to the wolves and the family starts to die.

Over and over and over again, a family here and a family there is destroyed through the cult's unwillingness to behave in a Christlike manner. This has been my journey through the trenches of the gay mormon experience - one heartbreaking story after another. But I'm seeing hope in families like the amazing one that refuses to give up their precious son and toss him to the wolves.

On the other hand I also am reminded almost daily of what goes on here in Utah with so many gay married mormon men who are constantly beating the bushes looking for some relief. The stories are legendary and any of us who have ever been gay and mormon in Utah know them well. (Or have been a part of them.) It's an amazing phenomenon for example, that the gay bars in Salt Lake have their best nights of the year when general conference is in session. Parking in the vicinity of the gay bars on Saturday nights when the priesthood sessions let out is virtually impossible. Better to get ahold of Cabbie and grab a taxi.

It would be one thing if guys were just pulling each other's garments off looking for sex, but in the process lives are destroyed when someone is caught or brings home an STD. Horniness makes fools of all of us late in the night. When I arrived in Utah two years ago I made a solemn promise to myself that I would not have anything to do with anybody who was married or in any way still connected to the cult. When I lived here in the late seventies I screwed anything that moved without regard for gender or marital status. And it was a mess. That was 30 years ago and I've long since moved on from that kind of desperation. I knew what the lay of the land was when I got here two years ago so I steeled myself against it.

But then along comes this guy and I'm thinking, "Wow, he's so much everything I want in a companion; he's handsome and intelligent and talented and socially graceful. And he likes me!" And then the story unfolds and I'm thinking to myself, is it really possible that this kind of pathology still persists in Utah mormons? Could this still really be going on 30 years later when people of this much substance are still living buried back in the very back of that lightless closet?

Gay mormon men learn to pass for straight by careful cultivation of those traits that fool the unaware. And by being really good liars. But they only fool the ones they need to fool to keep the recommend. The rest of us are beguiled by the astonishing obviousness of their homosexuality. I looked at this beautiful guy a couple of weeks ago and thought to myself, "There is no way on earth he's still doing the mormon thing." But he is. And it has poisoned his thinking so much that he's actually begun to believe his own lies.

So yes, pull the garments back on after you've had sex and go home and back to the lie. Splinter off the part of you that just had sex with another dude and pretend it isn't there or that it isn't what it really is. The problem with lies is that you have to remember which ones you told to whom and then make sure that the extensions of each lie are consistent with the original one. It gets complicated.

Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practise to deceive.

At every turn I see either the deep pathological effects of mormonism on gay men and lesbians or I see the hope contained in a family that will not turn their sons and daughters away anymore. The thing grinds on and some are destroyed in the process and others lifted up on shoulders and carried to safety. In a very real way it's not my problem. I cannot fix anybody, nor do I want to. But I do believe that my voice can help somebody somewhere who needs a hand reached out to them before the trigger is pulled on the gun.

When we walk away from the cult it's tempting to want to never look back. I go through that all the time. But there are those back there who are hurting and need a life preserver tossed to them somehow. It's not heroism at all. I think the instinct to help is innate in all of us - the difference being in the way we respond to it.

So I came back to the place I never thought in a million years I'd come back to and have had an absolutely amazing experience being here. I've published two coffee table books of my photographic work shot on location here, taken my grandkids to see the buffalo on Antelope Island in the snow and met some of the most beautiful people I've ever known. There's a motherlode of good in Utah inspite of the cult that dominates the landscape. Maybe it was time to be reminded of why what I do is so important.

When the fire burns speak up. There are some really beautiful people still stuck and I truly believe they're worth reaching out to.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/24/2011 02:21PM by Susan I/S.

Thank you. Excellent post.

Tom! LTNS. I see you can still spin a diatribe. :)

Love ya,

Ron

Congrats on your books......

Congrats on your new life in Utah.

You have helped so many with your stories and passion for an honest life.

K

It absolutely does. After my brother came out, I eventually chose him and not the church. It took time, and oddly, I'm almost glad that the church made me choose.

I might still be trapped there, thinking I was happy without the grim reality that I should really take a hard look at an organization that was sooooooo wrong about an issue yet claimed to be speaking for god.

Hmmmmm. Well at least my future children will never have to make that kind of a choice.

I spoke to a gay Mormon friend and we agreed that for every gay Mormon who leaves the church, he/she takes 5 people with him/her. Other gays find the church to leave. Their parents and siblings leave. Their Mormon friends become disenchanted with the way the church treats their friends.

I can count about 5 people who left because of me. Some of them were other gays, and they brought people with them. The church is costing itself dearly with its homophobia, losing the best and brightest to save its own prejudice.

I also left only because of the gay issues. AND I doubt I would have ever "seen" the church for what it is without experiencing what I did.

Bug hugs back to you Skunklet! I'm not really participating in online conversations anywhere anymore and I miss those old rowdy days. All my time is invested in my artwork and my beanie caps and my grandkids. It's a good life!

kid pops up, bewildered by what he has found himself in the middle of.

I refer them to your site and affirmation. It's heartbreaking to listen to them realize what their life might be like. They are just starting to see they have to choose between their identity and their lifestyle and religion, and sometimes their families.

It is way too much for them to deal with as a protected Mormon kid in their early teens. You can almost literally hear their childhood skidding to a stop in the background.

What should I say to them? I try to emphasize that they were indeed born that way and trying to change is futile. I don't think they should be running to the bishop about it, or even talk to the parents until they are old enough to have a better feel about what the response might be.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/24/2011 03:56PM by Heresy.

I've seen your website "Gay Mormon Stories" and it is truly heartbreaking to read the stories. Here in California, Prop H8 was the final straw that motivated me to walk away; as I began reading and finding out more about just HOW toxic the leadership and many of the members are in their attitudes, beliefs, and treatment of LGBT people, my walking turned into full speed running. It's beyond appalling. I just want to say how grateful I am that these men and women have the support, the safe haven, and the VOICE that people like you provide them. I also want you to know that you have more and more straight allies; consider me one of them.

That's great. Thank you! I'm so glad, for your sake, that you found your way out and can start creating a life for yourself that's based on who you really are. Authenticity is so sweet.

Speak up, always. It's the most important thing any of us can do. Gay Mormon Stories is a good starting point for many. Contribute your own story if you feel like doing it. A lot of people read the stories there.

Everybody else seems to know you and I am new here (as a participant) so hello!

Great post, thanks, I liked the part about the obscene (pun intended) disconnect between what these people do, and then just pretend didn't happen.

In my own personal experience many of my mormon interactions, both intimate family, and remote business or simple friendships demonstrate an utter lack of conscience.

I left twentyfive years ago and still have scars, so these people are helping me out.

Anyway, again, it's nice to meet yo.

Thank you. Nice to meet you too. I used to post here regularly many years ago and there are still a lot of my pals from those days still around. This is an extremely valuable resource for those who need to get their bearings as they make their way out. Really love that it's still going strong.

Rock on, Tom! No matter where you go or what you do, you'll always be my hero - no kidding!

Hugs!!!

Great post, just superb.

When Mormons ask me "what about your salvation?" when the topic of me leaving the cult years ago and then supporting my gay son publicly and proudly, I rhetorically reply "if my son is going to hell, then I'm going with him."

Unfortunately, many obtuse Mormons don't quite understand the intent of my reply, and take my response literally. It's a great filter in my life...don't have to mess with such idiots after they look me up and down and then avoid me like the plague.

"If my son is going to hell, then I'm going with him!"

What a beautiful mother you are. Best words I've read in years. Thanks for sharing that. Whatever line you and your son are in, save me a spot because I'll go there with you!

that was fantastic!!
i been here for bout 6 years...and i dont member reading this guy.....and he likes SLC!!! or Utah....or both!!
k gonna sit back, relax and take my shoes off!! set a spell!! and read all of Tom's threads...maybe even check out the books!! Kewl!

Tom,

I've visited your website several times and have considered submitting 'my story' but I'm not much of a writer. My style reads pretty much like a grocery list.

I've found there are a lot of common threads running through our stories and unfortunately quite a few sad endings.

No worries, verdacht. However you tell the story works. Go for it!

I missed that gigantic detail that you're in Utah now, Tom! So glad you're getting to spend time with your daughter and grandkids. That is the most important thing. My darling little niece is way down in MN and I only see her once a yr or less. The time is so short. Before you know it, they're busy teens and it's Auntie who?

Amazing post, as always. You tease us by coming back here and there, reminding us how great a writer you are (not to mention person) and then fading away again. But it's preferable to never seeing you at all.

I'll take a look at your web site (Gay Mormon Stories) as I'm guessing you might have links there to your books. (What took you so long?!) I could definitely use a book of your glorious photos.

The Gay Mormon stories are definitely a most poignant part of the Story of Mormonism that has yet to be more widely told. What a fabulous movie it could all make, don't you think? And how sad that the religion has fostered so much heartache in this regard and many others.

Take care, Tom, and enjoy. You definitely deserve it.

Luv ya,

NG



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/25/2011 07:15PM by Nightingale.

At some point those of us who are gay male mormons have to take responsibility for the harm we cause by getting married to women. Yes, we are brought up being indoctrinated into a cult that is unswerving in its condemnation of us. But we've come to a point in our evolution as humans where we know enough to know that a marriage between a gay man and a straight woman is not a very good idea. It rarely works and often ends in devastation for everybody involved. Especially when mormonism is involved.

At some point we have to stop hiding behind these women and step out and be honest about who we are. We can't lay all of the blame at the feet of the cult anymore. We know too much, we've made too much progress; we live in the age of information. At some point we have to say to ourselves, OK, so I was raised to believe a certain way but am I really willing to roll the dice and take a chance on ruining someone's life?

It's not just us gay guys that get hurt - most often it's everybody in our lives that rolls down the hill with us when everything falls apart. How many gay mormon men have taken HIV home to their wives? How many gay mormon men have been caught in the bushes at Sugarhouse Park and had their names published in the paper as sex offenders? You'd be surprised at the statistics.

At some point this madness has to stop inspite of what the mormon cult leaders say. We have to begin to take responsibility for our own actions. If you're married and you have five kids and a wife then you need to be smart. Get a divorce before you start cruising the parks for tricks.

It doesn't serve us to keep pointing the finger of blame at the mormon cult and thinking that their condemnation of us makes it OK to go out and trick in the park late at night. That's old school and it's bullshit.

All of that said, I'm the biggest jerk on earth and speak from very personal experience in all this. No one has a blacker record than I do. But all the more reason why I insist that we don't wait for the cult to catch up anymore. We know what's what, usually from a very early age, and we really can't use the mormons as an excuse anymore to abandon responsibility towards others.

I used to feel sorry for myself. Poor poor me, brainwashed by an insidious cult to be part of their breeding program. But that's just not enough of an excuse anymore.

We know too much. We've come too far.

My body, my life, my choices.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 01/25/2011 07:43PM by tomclark.

Yes, thanks.

Thank you so much for your website. I remember how much it helped me when I was coming out!

It is always good to see you here, too, Shane G.

It took me forever to come to terms with being gay because information was not easily available and I essentially had to figure it out on my own. When I investigated TSCC, information was not easily available, so it took me forever to figure out, I essentially had to figure it out on my own.

I am soooooo jealous of those that are coming out now that the Internet is available.

It is so important for all of us to live genuine lives out of the closet as gays and out of the closet regarding our Mormon history (odd way of phrasing that, but I never was officially Mormon). We will probably never know how many people we have helped by just living open, genuine lives.

After I moved to Utah it took me a while to catch on. I am stupefied as to how many exmormon gays will rush to the defense of TSCC no matter how bad the church treated them.

To be honest, it seems that it is the newly out that are the most defensive about TSCC. I had more than one run in with gays that have recently come out and left TSCC because I was critical of BKPs speech, one telling me that I should never be critical of church leadership.

MJ,

My ex actually defends the LDS church quite often. My son just said the other day that if his dad wasn't gay, he'd probably still be mormon.

What my ex had to say about BKP's talk was "glad he said it." I was SO SHOCKED and then he said, "They've tried to pretend they are softening their stance. He just told the truth of how the LDS church really feels about gays for everyone to hear."

BUT, yep, he defends the church quite often.

As far as I am concerned, you are one of the most important people on this board in regards to showing how TSCC's stand on gays is harmful. Your willingness to share your experience shows how the harm of TSCC's teachings goes beyond just the gays themselves. In many ways, I consider your sharing your story more important than me sharing mine.

Thanks.