Hello. I am really confused right now. I know there's a lot of belief that the church sets us up for abusive relationships, and I thought that this might be a good place to post. I am still actively Mormon, but IDK if I'm being abused or if I'm the abuser, and I didn't know where else to turn for help

It's a long story, but I've been with my husband for five years. He is also LDS. In the beginning of our relationship, I was really mean to him. I wasn't really in love with him/ I was in a bad place/angry. I cheated on him and was just generally terrible. I was young though, and I have changed a lot. He used to be the sole provider in the relationship.

THat dynamic has shifted though. A few years ago, he blew up at me massively. He didn't actually hit me, but he did come home, raging drunk (good Mormon, right?) and threaten to kill me and my pets. I don't think he would have actually acted on the threats, but I locked myself in the bedroom with my animals, and he proceeded to take the doorknob off. He would not stop and I warned him I would call the police, and I did. They came and arrested him for assault.

Fast forward to now. We are still together. He lost his job, and I am the sole provider. He has not been trying to find work, saying he is going to leave me and move back to Utah. He can't get a job because of his assualt charge and blames me. The other night he took our car and left, and I had no way to get to the store/anywhere. When he finally came home, he yelled all kinds of awful names/horrible things at me. Now, he has been ignoring me for the past few days. The one time we did talk, he was mean.

I just don't know if I am the cause of this. I do harp on him a lot and start fights for no reason he says. The real reason I "start fights" is because I want things to change and they haven't, so I randomly get mad about certain issues and bring them up. I can also be verbally abusive too when I get mad.

I just don't know what is going on or who the abuser is or anythign anymore. Sometimes, I think I am, and sometimes I think he is. I am really confused.

Dear, you need professional help. An internet forum of strangers can give you all kinds of advice, but in the end, you need to talk to a therapist or your doctor and get advice from them. I say this with love and concern for you.

Thanks. I just don't know where else to turn. I can't really afford any professional help with all of the money it is costing me to take care of both of us

Most cities have "needs-based" clinics that can help you find proper counseling.

And if you can't find one in your area, you might look for AA or AlAnon (AA for the partner of the AA attendee) meetings. Not that you would particularly "belong", but there is often good advice in those meetings, from people who are learning from the school of hard knocks.

NeedSomeHelpPlease Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Thanks. I just don't know where else to turn. I
> can't really afford any professional help with all
> of the money it is costing me to take care of both
> of us

Sweetie, many therapists will charge on a sliding scale based on your income.

That being said, it really doesn't matter who the abuser is in your relationship. You are in what's known as an "abusive relationship." Not healthy. Get out. Period.

;o)

Check and see what mental health/therapy/counseling services might be available. You might have some coverage. Perhaps the psychology department of a nearby college might have something to offer. Consider, also, a minister or priest from a church in your area.

Obviously, nobody on this board will suggest a Mormon bishop or anybody. I'll mention in passing, don't even consider a Christian Science practitioner. For one thing, they won't work for free.

You have so much going on, and your descriptions are so general, I wouldn't think of offering you specific advice. But do keep yourself safe, dear!

Yes, keep yourself safe. If at any time you feel threatened, go to the nearest women's shelter.

He's probably still pissed you cheated on him and its messing with his head. A question, do you have kids together? If no, make a clean cut. You resented him, and now he resents you. Why continue this drama if there are no kids.

Amen!

I take it you don't have kids together, so you can walk away anytime.
And also get your pets to a safe place.

Some relationships can't get fixed or aren't worth fixing.

Be aware that after 10 years marriage a spouse can attach half of what you own,including your pension.
At least here in California.

So get out before then.

Short answer: He is the abuser, not you.

What you did years ago is not relevant now.

There is no excuse for his violent threats and actions against you. You did what you had to do to protect yourself. The consequences may suck but they are his consequences he caused directly by his actions.

I agree with previous posters: Find and speak to professional help, as soon as possible. Get out the phone book/Google and check with women's centers, women's shelters, your city, your county.

Unfortunately your situation including limited income is not unusual. There are probably resources out there to help you.

Best of luck. Take care of yourself.

Looks like you both made mistakes. I think it is wrong that you choose to judge him on his drinking habits not long after you cheated on him (looks like you both were such great Mormons, right?). It almost doesn't matter who started this fight, you both are continuing it.

I agree with everyone around here that you should probably look for some professional help. If I were in your position though I would split and move on with my life.

I would say that instead of trying to lay blame, just get out of the relationship and cut off all ties going forward. This isn't a healthy marriage for either of you.

I would never consider staying with someone who threatened to kill me or my pets. Make a clean break of it. When you come home to someone, you should feel safe and you should feel loved. If you don't feel safe nor loved, why bother? Being on your own would be a big improvement.

Good luck to you and let us know how things progress.

Woah! Slow down there, Turbo! You said "not long ago." She did that five years ago, seems like a long time to me. The past is the past and no one deserves to be continually punished for it. Also, what an odd comment about her not being a good Mormon...who cares? Sounds like OP was just venting about a belligerent drunk who was threatening her safety and I find it unhelpful to cherry pick her comment about being a "good" Mormon. Sounds like she is pretty good at owning up to her faults by the mere admission of her own wrongdoings to us, perfect strangers...sounds good to me, but "good" Mormons are not what we aspire to be around here anyway.

OP, I agree that it's time to move on.

***Oh, sorry summer! Wrong place. That was for snb!***



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 06/19/2013 06:33PM by FormerLatterClimber.

Oh please...

I mentioned the Mormon thing because SHE mentioned the Mormon thing. I didn't cherry pick it either and didn't arrive at my conclusions based solely on that.

You are focusing on the "good Mormon" comment more than either of us are.

I'll accept that my advice might have been bad because I've never been there, but your criticism is ridiculous.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/19/2013 08:24PM by snb.

Not ridculous. Your advice wasn't bad. It was your comment: "you chose to judge him on his drinking habits *not long* after you cheated on him." The cheating was about five years ago, as she said. Doesn't it seem like telling us that took a bit of courage? I just don't think it was wrong of her to judge his drunkenness in this context. You haven't been through this, but I have....with a drunk.

I think she's misunderstood about the concept of a "good Mormon." Incidentally, my dear Watson, so are you. Hell yeah I'm going to focus on the Mormon thing. Knock knock! It's recovery from Mormonism! A "good" Mormon is a racist, sexist, homophobe.

Okay, so you can focus on the Mormon comment, but I don't get to mention it? Knock, knock! Double standard.

She made the comment that her husband was not a good Mormon because he drank. People who throw stones in glass houses rarely realize that they are doing it. I'm pointing it out because I think it is relevant and important. I think it is wrong, and unhealthy, for her to consider his drunkenness within a Mormon context, but not judge her own infidelity under similar contexts.

Telling us about it does take courage. You are falsely assuming that I don't see that.

Either way, why derail?

Edit: I forgot to mention one thing. Thanks for saying that my advice was good. It is hard to give perfect advice when you have never walked in those shoes or are a different gender. I still wanted to contribute, but I wasn't sure that I was right. Thanks.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/19/2013 08:52PM by snb.

snb Wrote:
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> Okay, so you can focus on the Mormon comment, but
> I don't get to mention it? Knock, knock! Double
> standard.

***Let me see if I can try this again. My criticism of your bringing up the "good Mormon" thing has nothing to do with the criticism itself. In fact I completely agree with you. But given the gravity of her situation, I feel that your comment was poor timing. Being in fear for her life and the life of her pets, I just think she isn't going to absorb a whole lot of that stuff right now. Am I making sense?

> She made the comment that her husband was not a
> good Mormon because he drank. People who throw
> stones in glass houses rarely realize that they
> are doing it. I'm pointing it out because I think
> it is relevant and important. I think it is
> wrong, and unhealthy, for her to consider his
> drunkenness within a Mormon context, but not judge
> her own infidelity under similar contexts.
>
> Telling us about it does take courage. You are
> falsely assuming that I don't see that.
>
> Either way, why derail?

***Commenting on her courage was just my way of attempting to gently cajole you into seeing the poorly timed comment, not an assumption of your perceptions. My saying so was just an attempt at keeping the thread on topic, not the other way around.
>
> Edit: I forgot to mention one thing. Thanks for
> saying that my advice was good. It is hard to
> give perfect advice when you have never walked in
> those shoes or are a different gender. I still
> wanted to contribute, but I wasn't sure that I was
> right. Thanks.

***yes I see that you do try to understand, and place yourself in other's shoes. It's not always so easy to do, so I applaud your efforts.

Sounds like an abusive relationship to me. YOU NEED TO GET OUT A THERE!! CALL A SHELTER AND TALK TO THEM. Get as much info as possible. and GET OUT!! It doesnt matter who started what or what happened yrs ago! HE NOT GETTING BETTER AND NIETHER ARE YOU. ITS NOT A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP! If he wants to go to utah let em! You stay there!

I also think it's time to get out of the relationship, as you deserve better. Having been in a similar situation, I know it's difficult to leave an abusive relationship, but in the end, it's the best thing, especially if you leave before there are children so you can completely cut him out of your life.

I would pack his bags and buy him a bus ticket to Utah. The End.

It sounds like you have both made mistakes--but there is no excuse for violence and fear in a relationship. I'm just going on what you said--and what you didn't say in your post.

If I asked you, "Do you love this man?" what would your answer be?

If he agreed to go to counseling, do you think it would really resolve your issues?

There are some relationships in which one sees two good people who are not good together--this may be one of them.

Get some qualified professional counseling to help you get out of this relationship.

I agree with the previous poster that it sounds like you have both made mistakes, but I just want to say to your credit that you are willing to own your part in it. You are not completely on the defensive, blaming him for everything, so I want you to know that is incredible. I hope you get out of this relationship though. There is no need to live like that. You can change your life and change your situation. You have the power. I sincerely wish you the best.

against you OR your animals.

He's dangerous.

Use birth control the last thing you need is getting pregnant during make up sex or something like that.

1. Get counseling. Try to find a community mental health center or some social services organization that provides referrals to sliding-scale therapists.

2. Contact women's shelters. Make an exit plan. Account for your animals -- you probably cannot take them with you to a shelter, so see if they can be farmed out to family or friends until you get on your own two feet.

3. Remember this: YOU are the one who has a job. YOU are the one with the power. THAT is why he's sliding into abusive -- because he feels so insecure, like a complete failure, that YOU are the breadwinner and he is not being a good Provider. While that is not your problem, remember that this means YOU have the power. You could pick up and leave. Or you could throw HIM out. You are the one with the capacity to pay the rent. If you move out on him, what will he do? Not your problem. All the money comes from you. So set up an account that does not have his name on it, funnel most of the money into it and when you're good and ready, move yourself out. Go shopping for apartments. And if you have to walk away from your stuff, then do it. It's just stuff. What's important is that you (first) and your animals are safe.

Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline NOW: 1−800−799−SAFE(7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224.

This hotline can direct to resources in your local area, including classes/groups, caseworkers, therapists, etc. even if you have no money. They did this for me. I now have a support group and access to help and resources I'd never have otherwise found -- and it's all free.

Whether he hits you or not, you are in a domestic violence situation. It IS an abusive relationship.

What you did in the past does not justify his behavior. Nothing justifies verbal, emotional, or physical abuse.

Also, get a copy of "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Dr. Patricia Evans. I have been using this book and it is helping me incredibly much.