OK, first off. I know you guys take issue with me calling the perp "hot." She was all kinds of fugly in her mug shot and the videos of her arraignment, I know. But, honestly, make-up and hair and boobilicious clothing make a huge difference in appearance. So don't judge.

Anyway. As I stated in my original post. I was never sexually abused, Neither were my sibs, parents, or cousins. It simply does not run in my family. I am out of my league here, despite counseling numerous sexual abuse victims as a mental health counselor at a juvenile facility, I've never experienced sexual crimes personally.

I spent the entire afternoon at the state attorney's office for my son's deposition. Every time he tells his story, some OTHER freakazoid event is brought to light.

I don't even know how to begin. I want to MURDER this woman for what she did to my son, his life-long friends, her 13-year-old daughter and her 9-year-old son. Bitch is lucky she's in jail and protected from me. My GOD, I'm angry.

Somebody who has been through the sexual abuse of their children by some sick perp, please share your story, give me words of encouragement, advice . . . anything.

TYI

here's a virtual HUG to help you through.

The best therapy, I think, would be for you to vent here. Whatever you are comfortable with writing down would be good for you, whether you do it publicly or privately.

Shannon - I wish I could share my whole story, but it would reveal who I am. The only advice I can give you is to treat your son as normally as if it never happened, never treat him like it was his fault, never prod him for details if he's uncomfortable talking about it, make sure he gets the therapy he needs, always remind him that he's a good person & of his worth, & always support him.

My patents didn't do any of that for me. I remember going to therapy a few times, & that was about it. They treated me differently like I was flawed & damaged. They also went so far as to scapegoat my anti-social behavior on the sexual abuse, when it was really their own later mental & physical abuse that caused it. Also, my dad still wants to know what exactly happened, & because I blocked it, I get scared that maybe nothing really happened. I do remember the psychological torture & physical abuse at the hands of my abuser though. My dad wants to know because my abuser still calls me a liar. I'm sorry, but what 4 year old goes around lying about sexual abuse, especially sodomy?

Think of it this way, either they will give her a nice long time in the pen, or you can always plant her later if she gets off on a technicality :)

Good luck. Much hugs!!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/20/2013 11:50AM by fidget.

I'm so sorry, Shannon, honey. Call me if you need to vent and rant. winecountrylass@yahoo

Please help you guys. I'm serious about feeling murderous.

I *KNOW* that so many of you have experienced sexual abuse as a victim or parent. Please. I seriously need help and advice here. I wouldn't post if I didn't really need some insight into my situation. Give me your best. Whatcha got?

tia

;o)

If you were really feeling like you would kill her, you wouldn't have posted it on a public forum. :)

When I told my mom about my sexual assault, she got mad at ME, and told me it was my fault.

You're feeling angry right now because you actually give a shit about your son, unlike the parents of a lot of people on this board.

Be mad, but don't kill anyone, okay! I have several different experiences I'm drawing from...my parents were aware of one of my abusers, not about 3 others. I was shamed and treated like the guilty party about the one they knew about and I never felt like anyone stood up for me. I was out of the house for the others and haven't really told anyone the details. With all of my experiences, there are aspects, details, and images that are burned in my brain. Some of these things I will never forget. They have affected my life, in some negative, but also positive ways. I am proud of the person I have become, in part because of these experiences and what I did for myself in order to heal. BUT...my experiences were traumatic and I processed my experiences for a LOOOONG time, mostly through dreams. An advantage you have is the knowlege of these events. You can talk to him, you can support him, you can watch out for any fallout issues. He should be reassured that he was placed in a compromised position by someone who abused her authority. He should also be aware that these experiences will stay with him, and will affect his life, BUT DOESN'T HAVE TO DICTATE HIS LIFE! He can control his future!

If you try to kill her, you WILL go to prison. Even if you don't succeed. THEN where will your son be? In all sorts of deep s#it because he will feel like he caused it somehow. Just giving you the reality check there, in case the rage has made the consequences seem distant.

That said, I understand your anger. I am still angry at what happened to me as a child. Abuse of every type...physical, emotional, verbal, sexual. Despite it though, I am a good, law abiding, loving person. I am OKAY. I wasn't destroyed or turned into a monster. Remember that your son has inner strength of his own. Be there for him to help him draw on it and he'll get by.

If I could do it with no help or support, he can do it with you, his mama tigress. I am so proud of you, even though I don't even know you, because you went to the law. You fought for your boy's safety from this predator and for his rights and privacy during the police investigation. Do you know how many cowards there are out there who don't stand up? You are not like that, you are strong.

It is going to take all that strength to see this thing through. I know you want to destroy her, but if you do, what happens? She escapes. Hang in there until she is sentenced. There are precious few things that makeup will get you in prison and the shirts are decidedly non-boobilicious. She won't last as a dominant inside, she preyed on kids because she's weak. Let her live to get punished at least.

My last bit of 2 cents as a survivor is to get a pro counselor. I know it sounds trite, but they do help. This much stress can blow your body chemistry out of whack, and having some confidential person to help you detox in a safe way can keep your health from suffering.

The best of all wishes to you, Shannon. Stay strong. Please keep us updated, too. Nothing would make me smile more than hearing how many years the little vermin gets.

+100000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Shannon, we are behind you all the way. :)

Amazing, amazing reply "passing through." Wow.

;o)

I have some knowledge of the prison system. A lot of female prisons hire only female correctional staff. That means that the likelihood of her being able to manipulate any men for her gain is slim to none. The uniforms are hideous in most prisons. Thick, denim, dark blue "jeans", they can not be form fitting or remotely fitted. Baggy grey T-shirts that make large chested women look heavy, not sexy. Mascara and lip gloss is about all you can buy, so no foundation or cover up to enhance your skin. No hair dye so the grey will start to show through.

She will probably turn "gay for the stay". A lot of women need that emotional and physical connection and intimacy and they just switch over to what's available; other women. Some discover they truly like women better and leave a lesbian, but most stay bisexual or go back to men once they leave.

Anyway I guess I'm trying to make you feel better. She's going to be miserable in prison. Having a TV and cable doesn't matter, prison is an extremely stressful, unhappy place to be with limited distractions. Plus, she's ruined any chance of a career. She's toast.

I haven't had experience with this sort of thing either. All I can do is offer a *BIG HUG*

All I can think of is Elizabeth Smart's words after the ladies in Cleveland were found. That would be to just let him talk if and when he needs to talk, but don't push him to do so.

And definitely vent in here and maybe find a punching bag from the sporting goods store to let loose on. Maybe paint her face on it.

Feeling murderous and committing murder are 2 different things. I believe we have all felt intense emotions we would never act on. The intensity is scary because it is so out of character.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/19/2013 11:42PM by laurel.

The son of a friend was sexually abused by a distant relative who's a teenager, and the mother (my friend) wanted to commit suicide. Instead, she sought counseling, took the family member to court and this teenager isn't allowed at any events or gatherings where the boy is a part. The teenager also has a juvenile record because of the abuse inflicted on the boy.

It was HELL for her. Absolute hell. She used to blame herself for allowing them time together, not thinking anything would happen between them. Since recovering (it's been a few years since the abuse took place), she's been able to let go of feeling guilty for letting the kids play together.

I cried, and cried when she told me. I was also horrified. I thanked her for remaining alive, and thank you for not killing that woman who abused your son. Massive cyber hugs. It's going to be hell for a bit. It is. But you'll make it through. My friend did (and so has her boy).

Realize that your son may appear to cope, block out memories, and need a second round of therapy years later. That's what happened to my friend who was sexually abused by his LDS scoutmaster right in the church. The whole thing was handled quietly, protecting the image of the BSA, church, and perp. In some ways it was easier on my friend - at the time. (Though it makes me furious!) He sort of forgot for years, then found himself struggling desperately with nightmares, depression and flashbacks at about 23. It didn't help that he also came to realize and had to accept that he was gay (for which he was excommunicated). The trauma led him to drop out of med school and it took a couple of years of experimenting with meds and therapy till he felt good again. His mother's love and support at that time probably kept him alive. Be prepared to be there for your son, even years later.

You WILL get past this feeling. There will come a day when you no longer think about this every moment of every day. There will come a time.

You've done the very best you could do. YOU did more than most parents are willing to do. Your son knows this. He will always know that.

You in prison will serve no good to him. It will do nothing for you. You've done so much already. You know that, and so does he.

Leave prison for the perps. Make your life one of freedom, joy and discovery. You'll get past this. I promise.

A few years ago, my 13 year old daughter spent the night at her friends house - a friend she met from her English class at her middle school. Play afternoons at the malls turned into slumber party's. My TBM ex and I were going thru a divorce at the time. I had no control over where she let my baby go. I begged my ex, "Please don't let her stay overnight there on your time...please..he is single, we don't know them, it's not a good situation." Do you know what she said, "Look, paranoid, I am a good judge of character..he treats our daughter like his own...I FEEL good about him (translation - the spirit makes me feel good about him)..and I know you are full of it and he's safe."

Turns out, he began raping my baby on the 2nd over night, first with drugs..., then with hard core maniuplation, fear, etc. This went on for two years under our noses. Now she suffers from PTSD, can't go to sleep w/o Trazadone, had to be taken out of school last year. In the past year, there has been an investigation, which uncovered six turobytes (spell) of porn (equal 60 DVDs per Tbyt). We just won a full order of protection. The prosecutor has the case now.

I understand how you feel. I am man, a big man, 300#, 6', Bench press 400 still in my mid-40's, former collegiate powerlifter. The perp is a little guy. I cannot you how difficult it was for me to sit back and hear my baby testify in court about what he did to her. I found out about this many months ago. I had to go to counseling to deal with my anger. I had to be put on medication. I can tell you - the feelings that I have are still present. I have no tolerance for those who abuse children, e.g. Joseph Smith and Helen Mars. I think what you and I are feeling is normal. It will help, most likely, when both are behind bars. Those two, yours and mine, are our baby's - that's why we feel anger. They may be teenagers, but their children still. I view her as my little girl, and I always will.

I don't know if this will help or not. I was abused by my mormon cousin when I was 7 or 8. I was able to hold everything inside until after I graduated from BYU. Then it just all came gushing out. I was severely depressed and suicidal. I was hospitalized, and in counseling for 10 years. It was a horrible, nasty time in my life.

At one point during this time I found out that my cousin had abused my brother also. Needless to say I was enraged! And it was a whole different type of emotion than all the other emotional sewage I'd been wading through for years. I think the worst part was how powerless I felt. I'd been abused and I was dealing with it. But the thought of my brother being abused and me being powerless to make it better for him was agonizing!

I'm in absolutely no postion to know exactly what you and your son are going through. But from my experience you're doing everything right. You're supporting your son 100%. You're making sure that justice is done for him, and that the perpetrator is going to pay a very heavy price for what she did.

From my experience I'd say some of the turmoil you're feeling is that your son was abused and you are powerless to go back and change what happened in the past. That's how I felt when I found out my brother was abused. Please don't beat yourself up over things you can't change. Once you had an indication that something was going on you became the warrior mother and went to battle for your son. He's very lucky to have you!

When I first began to deal with what my cousin did to me I wanted him dead. That only lasted a few weeks. I'd like to say that I'm a kind and compassionate person and started the process of forgiving him - ABSOLUTELY NOT! I realized that death was too easy for him. I wanted him to suffer painful, hideous, disfiguring wounds that he'd have to spend the rest of his life living with.

The abuse happened over 40 years ago now, and I still don't think I'm at the point where I can forgive my abuser. As time has gone by I've learned to live with what happened in the past. And I suppose I have all sorts of insights about the whole situation.

I'd say everything you're feeling is completely normal. Continue to be your son's fiercest advocate. Make sure he knows that he isn't at fault for anything that happened to him. Continue to let him know that he's a good person and that you love him unconditionally. Make sure he knows how proud you are of him for standing up to that horrible woman and making sure she gets prosecuted to the fullest extent possible.

Shannon - One thing I would recommend is to not let the anger come between you and your son.

I don't know his personality, but it's easy to imagine someone in a fragile state mis-interpreting the visible (even if subtle) anger personally.

So, please be very open with him about your feelings - make SURE he knows that you're mad at her and proud of him. Encourage his doing the right thing. Reward him for his strength (take the time to figure out his "love language" and speak it to him...)

...that seems to me what *I* would need if I were your son.

I listened to a great podcast about sex_ism in mormon fb groups. In it, some of the commenters said that as abuse survivors, threatening to kill the abuser was not helpful. It made them want to stay silent. Everyone is different of course, and sees things differently.

Recently someone pointed out to me that sometimes anger masks fear or sadness. I would much rather be angry than sad, to honor the sadness. And growing up (for me) feelings and particularly sadness were not ok.

Your son is very brave. When he's ready, he may be interested in watching the oprah about male abuse survivors. I didn't watch it all, but it was good.

That's true in my case. It just makes the victim feel lousy and at fault. Don't let your son see your anger. He'll feel like he did something wrong, even if your words say otherwise. Your body language, facial expressions, choice of words, actions -- make sure all those things don't communicate the opposite message from what is coming out of your mouth.

I am sorry this happened to you and your child.

My child was molested 30 years ago by a relative who worked as a professional in the medical field. The police didn't believe us..."women don't molest." My mother didn't believe us and to this day still doesn't. My ex-husband told my daughter to shut up about it, as he had a "crush" on the perpetrator. SHe denied it.

We got professional help from a non religious therapist, and did several years of group therapy with other victims, parents. We recovered. My daughter no longer even remembers the event that was done to her when she was 4.

It does not feel like it, but you both will survive and recover, and maybe even be stronger as a result. It's a hell of a way to gain strength, and I don't recommend it.

Just remember, your child did not do anything to cause it. It is not his fault. If his body responded, that does not mean he "enjoyed" it, or is gay if the molester was the same sex. That is often the biggest problem for boys if the monster is of the same sex.

I wish you and your family well...you will survive and then move beyond survival...you will thrive. Believe me...

Rose

Shannon, I'm so sorry that you and your son are going through this. You are a wonderful and dedicated parent, and undoubtedly your son knows that. This will be crucial to his recovery as well as to your recovery.

As a survivor myself who got zero support or help from my parents, my advice would be:

Realize that neither you nor your son are to blame for what this woman did--hopefully you both already know that but for me that realization wavered for years.

Stay away from the woman, her friends, her family, or anyone connected with her. She's bad news, to put it mildly, and would probably like nothing more than to get your goat.

In addition to therapy (individual and family), encourage your son to immerse himself in activities that bring him joy. You've mentioned his great accomplishments in a previous thread--encourage those activities. For me, music was my saving grace during the horrible early recovery years.

Your son has been exposed to adult sexuality, which can give a kid a warped view of how to relate to others, a warped view of power, etc. When he's ready (probably not now), encourage him to find materials about healthy sexuality, healthy relationships, etc.

You can vent here anonymously (or semi-anonymously); we're all here for you.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/20/2013 01:13PM by stbleaving.

Shannon, your son will survive, will thrive and will go on to live a wonderful life. Yes, what he's been through, and will continue to go through for the time being, is difficult. But from what you've written about him, he sounds like a smart, strong person. He'll make it through this and come out on the other side a lot wiser. Plus, he has YOU for support! That makes a huge difference in a child's life, no matter what age they are, child, teen or adult. Having parental support and encouragement is so, so, so important.

You're a mama bear watchin' out for your cub!

TG

In a way, I'm a tad surprised my parents' marriage survived my abuse. Because the perpetrator was my stepmom's son. So we had a situation where it was his kid vs. her kid. The right thing to do would be to report the perp to the police. But then my stepmom would be placed in the position of throwing her son under the bus. I was 15; he was 30 -- he would have been looking at prison time, most likely.

So of course, my parents did what a lot of mormon parents do: they stuck their heads in the sand and pretended it was all my fault. I was a filthy disgusting whore whom nobody would ever want because I asked for it, I deserved it, and I must have literally thrown myself at him. (The polar opposite of all that was the truth. I avoided him like the clap.) I didn't even get but one or two sessions of counseling. My stepmom thought we were going so that I would accept responsibility for my abuse being my own fault. Even the LDS SS mormon counseler didn't lay that shit at my doorstep.

In the end, it wasn't the sex part that messed me up. I was a little messed up about sex, and a few months of good, non-LDS counseling would have totally done the trick. I'm sure of that. What really messed me up was: A) seeing no justice whatsoever. I learned that men can just do whatever and get away with it, but women have to follow the rules and even that won't keep you from getting in trouble. And B) being told I was a sick, disgusting, filthy whore who no decent, kind, righteous man would ever want and I should have come home in a pine box rather than allow myself to be violated. I should have made my stepbrother kill me rather than suffer the shame of having been screwed.

THAT was a real mindfuck. So, get your son good counseling and don't act like it was his fault. In fact, reassure him every chance you get that he did nothing wrong and it wasn't his fault. He'll probably be fine and will recover and move past it and will thrive and have healthy, happy relationships. At least that's what I pray for you and your family.

Still, my experience is limited and I can't offer much help beyond sending my love and warm wishes.

The creepy uncle caught me when I opened the refrigerator door one day what no one else was home. He pinned me to the door and started kissing and groping. I had to fight my way out of his clutches and run out the front door to the curb where I sat until the rest of the family returned. I was living with them for the summer and had to stay outside if they left me alone after that. I knew it wouldn't work to report him but I feel guilty that he probably abused others since he had daughters, students, and other relatives in the targeted age.

You were brave and noble to put a stop to this horrible woman's behavior.

Hopefully, you and your son will heal and be able to live happy lives although this dark time will live on in your memories. Do know that we support you and care.

Hi Shannon,

I'd like to tell you my story. I was abused as a child by parents & then later on in high school & how I got through it but its a lot of very personal details. Email me if you'd like & ill share my story & what got me through it.

Ashlie
Socali_emt_medic@yahoo.com

Shannon, come back and tell us what happened if you can.

Thank you everyone.

Yeah, my emotions definitely peaked the other night. I found out more details of the crimes from the Prosecutor at the State Attorney's office that afternoon.

I can't bear to even think about what that woman did do her poor little 13-year-old daughter (who doesn't look like she's even finished puberty yet). I found out during the deposition that the mother hosted a co-ed sleepover one night for a bunch of neighborhood kids (the boys' moms all thought they were staying at each other's house).

During the pary, the perp spent started discussing sex with the kids - her daughter and several older teen boys were in the room. Perp mom said she only had ONE rule in her house . . . that her daughter must remain a virgin until she turns 14. All other sexual behavior is OK.

So the mom prepped these boys on what sexual acts they could perform on her daughter and said that they had permission to do "everything but sex." The mom also stated that her daughter needed the sexual experience now to prepare her for when she turned fourteen. So the mom sent her little girl and two older teenaged boys back to the daughter's bedroom to experiment and have fun. She even gave them an armload of extra blankets for them.

Is that ***SICK*** or what? That's why I said I wanted to murder the bitch. Who does that shit?! I honestly can't wrap my head around it.

:(

Shannon, you have every right to be angry. I believe that your satisfaction will come when justice is served. And it will be. Hang in there!

Your courage has rescued that little girl from a living hell nightmare. I hope she gets the help she needs in the future.

You have put a stop to the wholesale child molestation this woman was involved in. You've rescued a lot of children from ever being involved with her.

Your anger has worked to the advantage for so many. I'm proud of you.