OK, anyone who knows me will tell you I OBSESS about problems - especially major ones. Can't sleep tonight. Need your input. SERIOUSLY. (Or I'll be calling that damn suicide hotline at the top of the board).

OK, here it is: CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE.

Can't stop obsessing, can't stop researching, can't stop wondering "what if?" For those that don't know, my teen son got caught up in this huge sex scandal with a neighborhood mom down the street. She was molesting hot neighborhood high school boys and, basically, pimping out her barely-pubescent daughter to the guys, too.

I just walk around all day with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, like I'm going to vomit. Every time I think of the REALITY of what that bitch did to her little girl, I want to *hurt* her! My kid is reeling - he's been through so many police/sex crime detectives/state attorney interviews it makes me dizzy.

I was NEVER molested as a child!! It just simply was not on my radar!!! No parent, sibling, cousin, child of mine . . . ANY relative has ever been sexually molested. It's just *NOT* on my radar. I cannot comprehend what kind of human being could do that to a child! (Much less a parent!!!!).

The perp's bond is so high, I never really thought she'd be out of jail, but her car is now gone from the driveway and her name doesn't show up on the jail record anymore. It's the weekend . . . and I'm terrified of that woman - she has police reports of retalitory behavior a mile long.

I'm scared. But the main thing I simply cannot understand is WHY adults do such sick things to little kids?? I have a Master's degree in counseling and I know all the textbook answers but I have never had personal experience with this. I remember my first 14-year-old female victim of child sexual abuse when I was a newly-minted mental health counselor. She had run away from home and ended up in our runaway shelter. She confided in me that she had run from her sexually abusive step-father. I was debating on whether to hospitalize her involuntarily in a psych ward for her own protection . . . she kept saying she was going to escape from me and run to the overpass outside and jump into traffic below on the freeway to commit suicide. I couldn't understand why the girl's mother didn't protect her from the perp. I kept asking her, "What does your mother do?"

She screamed at me with rotten teeth and bad breath, "She just says STAY AWAY FROM HIM!!" That was the first moment in my life, at 22-years-old, that I actually understood that some people don't give a sh!t about their own children.

I got it. Her desperation was palpable. I believed her when she said that she wanted to die on the freeway. I hospitalized her.

I feel just as much helplessness and angst tonight. I am horrified by what my neighbor did to her little girl (and, no, I have not posted the worst of it). I'm just sick. Please, somebody with personal experience, help me understand. If this is generational, why, why, WHY would someone turn around and inflict the same horror and pain on a child that they experienced as an innocent victim themselves?

They feel so shitty and horrible that they want someone else to feel as they do.

They don't feel normal, so they want someone else to understand. And the only way they can do that is if they make someone else go through the same thing.

There's a bonding and a release of pent up emotions when someone feels that kind of connection. They make someone else feel what they felt and are bonded together.

As sick as it is - it's a moment of true, pure empathy.

But it's also a disease that can be spread through its repetition.

For your own sanity - you need to step back from this. You cannot save all the children. Your job is to help your son, and anyone else who asks. But it's not your job to save anyone else.

And you don't know what the mother is going to do. You need to rest. You can't control her, so all you can do is the best you can to guard your own household.

You're no good to your children sick from worrying about things you cannot control.

I just woke up. No reason why. Just did and noticed your post.

Only because others have related their experiences of abuse to me do I somewhat understand. Simply, those that have inflicted harm are sick. Mentally ill. No one in their right mind does shit like that. No one. Theirs is a serious mental illness.

For your own sanity and protection, can you call the cops to see if she posted bond? And mention to them her history of retaliation?

You need to hang around and help your kid no matter how crazy you feel right now about what that woman did to her child. Call the hotline if you need to. I'm sure others will be around tonight on the board as well. Hang in there.

Thank you toto. I pulled out my PILE of police paperwork and tracked down a victim's advocate phone number. Perp is still in jail (maybe transferred to another division?) so we're safe. That cuts down on my anxiety, since I just spent the better part of 1/2 an hour securing our home . . . got my DD's pit bull by my side.

Yeah, I'm feeling all manicky and panicky. My kid is now begging me for counseling today. He is so confused by his conflicting emotions. I swear to gawd I wanna bitch slap that whore from here to next year.

Glad you're safe. I think your son is great in asking for counseling. You could arrange that on Monday. And get yourself someone to talk with as well. Does victims advocate have a recommendation? Or do you know of anyone personally?

I hope you don't respond to this post until way late in the morning. I hope you're sleeping right now (unlike me, just can't sleep).

Night night.

ETA: I also agree with Raptor Jesus when he talked about what you can and can't control. Just hang in there. One day at a time. Thanks for reaching out to us, and you've got those two numbers to call for immediate help if you need it (the victims advocate line and the suicide hotline). BIG HUG.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/23/2013 03:27AM by toto.

whereis the girl she pimped out? Is she in childservices ? If the womens car is gone she may have used it to post bail. OR She run out of town! As sick as the whole thing is you cant obsess about it. Take care of your son. Deal w/the problems as they come. Hopefully one at a time. It hard to understand why pervs. do that stuff. But its true theres a cycle of abuse. Try noy to loose sleep over that women. Shes not worth it. Ive heard male perves R real passive. So I dont think she'll retalliate. Try to sleep

I'm still trying to wrap my head around it myself. I haven't been able to come up with any answers. My situation is a bit different because I was abused by young minors. The one boy, I now believe was severely mentally ill, didn't know better because of his own ongoing abuse, & in fact should have been in a psychiatric facility. The other boy, he knew better, & did it anyway. For them, it was all about humiliation. To humiliate & destroy me.

The only non-fiction book I've come across that's even helped was by a psychologist in Canada doing case work studies on male sexual abuse & assault victims. Even though I'm a woman, I felt connected to these men in very profound ways, as I read this book, in ways thst I've never been able to connect with female victims, which incidentally is practically never. I found this book by accident in a library, & for once in my life I didn't feel alone anymore.

Can you give me the name of the book and the author?

This was a library book in a college library, for psychology students. It looked it if was published by a university press. I am trying in vain to cross reference terms to see if any authors names look familiar to me. I would have bought myself a copy, but it would have been too expensive.

They want to feel something that is incomprehensible to you. As in, they want to feel something, and it is incomprehensible to you.

Please be strong, there is so much horror in this world and some of it touched you. Do what you can to protect your loved ones. Be safe. Be strong.

Shannon

Hang in there!

You can't understand it, and you won't understand it simply because it is an incomprehensible act.

I too work in mental health, and I know that the young people I have worked with who have abused younger siblings have never ever been able to really articulate "why" they furthered the abuse the had previously experienced. I believed them when these poor damaged young people said they "didn't know" why they in turn damaged other vulnerable young people.

If they can't understand it themselves, then there is a good chance you won't be able to understand it either.

It's horrible, and it sucks, and you are going through some serious stress right now. If you fall over who will be able to help your son carry on? He needs you. Its ok to be upset/stressed/angry/in need of a good scream and a cry but remember the basics of "keep calm and get through":

drink enough water
eat at LEAST once a day, and try not to let processed foods rule your life (this wont be any easier to deal with if you are having colds/flu's/upset tummies due to poor nutrition)
Sleep (try to get at least 6hrs, even if it is broken or spread out across the day/night)
Do something nice for yourself - read a crappy magazine, wear your favourite knickers, go to the hairdressers, sit in a massage chair - whatever, but do something nice at least 3 times a week, you need to be good to you right now.

xox

Thank you rhio. ;o)

Sleep will help you be supportive of your son . If there is anything that helps you, try it. And don't feel this is all your fault or that you have to solve it - it's too complex for that. Hugs to you and your boy!

Shannon, you need to stay calm for your son. Managing your feelings and emotions well will help him. Of course you feel freaked out. No caring parent would feel otherwise. But you need to take your focus off the perp and off your worries and focus on calming yourself down.

Take some breaths. Exercise to burn adrenaline. Take whatever medication you have prescribed for your mood as prescribed. Talk to your doc about your sleep. Call the helpline and just talk. Visualize your son, you, and your family getting through this. It will help your son for you to help yourself. The beginning of these things is the worst. It will gradually get better, gradually get sorted out.

Calm. Just do the next thing that needs to be done for you all to get through this intact.

like Raptor said, you can't save the world or all of the kids. You just have to keep yourself together for your own family. You have already done such a good job at protecting your kid. There is a huge online community here behind you and supporting you though :)

Shannon,

my wife was abused by a family member for a large portion of her childhood. The symtoms and reactions are text book played out. After watching the scandal at Penn State with Paterno and the others within the media, it was like watching a bunch of robots or sub-intelligent animals act like pavlovian dogs.

When ppl don't get help for learned behaviors (unacceptable ones), they carry out the same patterns throughout their own lives because its all they know.

The big word used to discribe most disfunctional behaviors is "control". By controlling some thing like eating or not eating, for example, seems to be the driving mechanism behind ppl's decisions.

Just remember, we are the sum total of all the knowledge and experience that we have Y.T.D. Only those who recognize their issues, and seek to break such patterns, will advance in behaviors and intelligence.

So those ppl you see doing terrible things are basically slow or non-evolved robots/humans. Whereas, the rest of us, have evolved to a better state of human perception and behavior.

Of course, its my hope that we are not just merely sophisticated robots.

Many years ago, people here recommended "the anxiety and phobia workbook" by bourne to deal with intense stress. I recommend it. It's about taking ownership of your emotions and dealing with anxiety. It's about limiting your access to triggers, understanding the triggers.

I really like the serenity prayer for this reason. Take out the God part. Just the idea that there are things that we cannot change, that I cannot change. I cannot change that people abuse their children. I cannot change that. I can't change that children get sick from cancer. I can't change who the senators are from my state. I can't change hurricanes or tornadoes or earthquakes.

I can work on myself, focus on my own mental health. I can vote for new senators, and even campaign if I feel like it. If I spend my life focusing on all the stuff I can't control (see the hurricanes above), I would go crazy. I owe it to myself and my loved ones to remain stable.

Because of the book above and lots of work on myself and my emotions, I have a handful of things I do when I'm seriously stressed out. When I can't control my thoughts or feelings and not sleep, etc. Acceptance helps. Acceptance that things are the way they are. Acceptance doesn't mean approval. I call trusted friends. I have good self -help type books I read. I do my nails. I watch tv shows that are comforting. I laugh.

I know what my triggers are. I limit my exposure to them. That, I can control. Shows like "SVU" I don't watch. Major trials (like casey anthony) I limit my exposure. Other people can watch those shows and be fine. For me, it upsets me. I know this. It's not like the mormon thing, really - or maybe mormonism just adopted a good practice and bastardized it. It's knowing what I can be exposed to and be okay, and what I can't. And I get to decide that.

Finally, years ago Oprah (I know lots of people don't like her) talked about understanding a mom who abused her daughter on camera. She said that humanity is understanding that we are all capable of abuse. It was something I still don't fully understand. Again, not approving of her actions, just understanding a common humanity. I don't really understand the concept, but I think it can help with acceptance.