Last year i did a post on my inlaws wanting to take my kids to church. Th quick version is they talked to dh without me present and it was agreed they would take my kids to church once a month. It took a few months, but with support from people here i confronted dh and got him to agree not to have them go. My inlaws went out of town for several months at that point and we never got to talk to them about it. Now they are back, and have been back for a few months. No one has said anything about taking kids to church and they are really nice to me. So I think, great, they are going to be respectful, and I won't have to have an unpleasant conversation with them. Except the conversation happened yesterday without me there. Dh says they gave him the fifth degree about him going to church and taking the kids to church. His work schedule is changing so he will have sundays off soon. He told his parents that the kids will not go unless they specifically ask to go with him. Right now they go to church with me, and i think my church is a lot more fun, so, I am not too threatened by this. Also, I am not convinced that dh is really going keep up his church attendance, except maybe just to spite me. Parents told him that he is the priesthood holder, so not taking them to church will fall heavy on him. Not on me apparently since i am just a lowly woman. I tried to explain how jpdisprespectful this was to me. I told him the fact that this conversation went on behind my back shows his parents real feelings for me. He says that they just didn't want to offend me and i am being too sensitive. This was a real punch in the guts for me. It ended with me in tears. i am feeling hurt and betrayed.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/27/2013 11:14AM by emma.

I'm so sorry this is going on. I hope you can make an agreement with your husband that you can both abide by that this is your family and other people are to stay out it. Set some boundaries that you can both live by.

It's clear his parents are pressuring him. They raised him a certain way and probably think they are being rejected and hurt because he is not following the path they expected. It's time for them to let go. Hard for some people to do that when religion is involved.

I know you must feel rejected, and alone. It's so frustrating!

Keep working on a plan that you can both agree on!
My best wishes to you!

Your husband may hold the priesthood but he doesn't wear his own pants, his parents do. Sorry to hear what an unhealthy situation you have found yourself within. It sounds like your husband would like to do right by you but his parents just keep throwing cult mentality in has face. He also seems to see his parents' authority as paramount. If you could just get him to stop the secret meetings then you could stand up against the parents yourself. I see your dilemma and think a neutral intervention would help. Am I right in thinking he has refused counseling? I think think that even an LDS counselor would tell your husband that the parents need to get out of this marriage.

This isn't your in laws fault. They will continue this behaviour until your husband grows a pair and tells them "No".

Stumbling yes it is their fault. They raised him in a church that brainwashed into blindly submitting to authority. They are at fault for raising him to be this way. No matterI what you or anyone else may say, it is not easy to break free from that kind of programming. It takes time. And he didn't do such a bad job, it could gone a lot worse than it did. It could have ended with him promising to take his kids every week to church. As it is, i don't see him going to church more than once a month and I would be surprised if the kids asked to go to his church. They would much rather be playing outside at the park.

Or....you can just tell them yourself. Confrontation is always difficult, but clearly your husband is still under the influence of the cult and his equally brainwashed parents. Sit them down and explain to them that the Mormon church is a cult and that these are your children and you will not have them attend a church that teaches them to be underhanded and less than perfect.

I wouldn't call the church a cult, as that usually just fans the flames. The problem here is BOUNDARIES.

They are interfering in YOUR marriage, and causing problems by doing it. They need to be told that they are out of line. Whether the church is true or false doesn't even matter when it comes to boundaries (obviously, or the discussion would already be over). Don't get sucked into an argument about the church because it detracts from the fact that they are meddling and controlling. They've raised their kids, and now they need to BUTT OUT.

They think they can have their way and not even have to deal with you. Let them know that they don't get to do that, and that it's done of their damn business if anybody in your house goes to church. You are grownups!

Maybe your husband needs to do some reading on toxic parents and how to deal with them.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/27/2013 12:38PM by imaworkinonit.

Honestly, I wouldn't worry too much about whatever conversation your DH's parents had with him. They know they will get nowhere with you, so they are working on their own flesh and blood using time-honored Mormon tactics.

Just come to an agreement with your husband about the kids' church attendance. You might agree that they will go with you unless they specifically ask to go with him. If they ask to go with him, attendance will be no more than 1-2 times per month. Consider that even if they ask to go with him, since your church is more fun, the problem should likely solve itself quickly.

Your in-laws can exert all the pressure they want to, but ultimately the decision is between you and your husband.

"He says that they just didn't want to offend me and i am being too sensitive."

My advice to you for what it is worth is that you should tell DH that that statement is both manipulative and dishonest and is the cop out of passive-aggressive cowards.

Ok, so we had a second conversation about this after we had a little time to cool down. Dh says that over time he has come to the conclusion that there probably is no god or an afterlife, but he doesn't want to tell his parents. Fine, all the more reason not to take them to the mormon church since neither one of us believes. I still was upset over their interference. I told him what if our kids joined a church i didn't like or agree with, for example the mormon church. I said if i went to my kids and said i don't like your church, therefore i demand that you take my grand kids to my church instead a few times a month. Wouldn't i be way out of line to do that? Once i put it like that, he said yes that would be inappropriate. So here is my plan: the inlaws have been given their answer regarding our kids church attendance. If they let it go, fine i will let the matter drop too. If they continue to harrass dh over kids attendance, then we will have to have a confrontation whether dh likes it or not. Dh has suggested we consider moving to another state so we can have a normal life. He is looking for a new job anyway, so that could be the best solution.

I wouldn't think of it as a confrontation, just a setting of boundaries. All that is necessary is that you present a united front -- "the two of us have talked about our kids' religious life, and this is what we've decided (explanation follows.) We realize that you will not like this, but it's what we've decided and it's how things are going to be." Then change the subject. If they keep objecting, repeat the little speech as needed.

It can take a while to get people to respect your boundaries, so be patient and stand firm. Repeat, repeat, repeat. If they still don't get it, just stare at them silently when they go on a church rant. People expect a response, so if you just stare at them without saying anything, it makes them really uncomfortable.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/27/2013 01:04PM by summer.

than moving.

If they absolutely won't leave you alone, after you set boundaries, then sure, move. But it sounds like he would rather move than set boundaries. It sounds like he's still trying to avoid confrontation, in a very expensive and life-altering way.

I get it. I used to avoid confrontations and try to please people at all cost. When I finally exploded at someone for the first time, it changed my life. I realized that I didn't CARE what they thought, I just wanted peace and control in my own life. And if someone was going to be upset, it could be THEM, because I was done with their crap.

And by the way, it was a neighbor, and ultimately, we DID move because they didn't change. But the process of saying NO, and setting boundaries was crucial in my personal development, and learning to take power back in my own life.

Your husband might be scared of telling his parents to back off right now. But if he does it right, he will claim his place as an adult, and he has a chance of having a healthy relationship with them . . . if THEY are healthy. If they are as whacked as they sound, though, it might be time for a break.

Okay, here's what I'm thinking. These in laws of yours seem to have trouble being honest, sincere, and forthright. They have to triangulate, guilt, shame, and manipulate to get what they want. They are controlling their son, and by extension your entire family in this way.

So turn the tables on them and TAKE BACK YOUR POWER. Take control of this situation. Set the tone. Set the boundaries. Be firm, polite, respectful, and consistent.

What I suggest is, if they breach the agreement again, then call a family meeting. Hire a counselor to mediate if you need to, or if you don't feel like you can facilitate this yourself. You choose the place and time, but choose neutral territory -- not their house or yours. Drag every last one of the issues out, kicking and screaming, into the light of day. Set up conversational agreements in the beginning. Agreements like: Each person gets a chance to speak (you can use a "speaking stick" or a hat or something to remind everyone who has the floor). Nobody interrupts or talks over anyone else. There will be no name calling. There will be no shutting down or silent treatment -- adults use our words to express ourselves, we do not pout in silence. Any manipulation tactics (list these specifically - no gaslighting, no guilt trips, no shaming, etc.) will be immediately confronted and nipped in the bud. Violation of the agreements ends the conversation.

You can even use those scriptures about man and wife leaving their parents and cleaving unto one another. Remind them this is God's plan, not your high-minded ideas. People get married and then their parents are no longer in charge of their lives. Then carefully explain what the boundaries are going to be. Take questions, but don't allow yourself to get sucked into a debate, negotiation or argument. Here are the rules. Break the rules, we cut you off for x amount of time. (Put the in laws in a time out so they can think about their behavior. If they can patronize you; so, too, can you patronize them. :>)) Break the rules consistently, we will cut you off forever and adopt new grandparents for the children. Explain this is not a threat, but the constant interference is causing problems in your marriage and will not be tolerated. And it's not fair. Nor is it loving. Or Christ-like. Or even particularly good parenting. (Are your in-laws so insecure that they've done a crap job of raising their son they feel they have to keep doing it? If you can't respect your kids as adults, then you didn't do a very good job of teaching them how to BE adults, did you?) Either his parents can love you all and support your marriage as it is right now, or they can sit at home and meddle in their other children's lives.

And yeah, keep looking for a gig elsewhere. I cannot recommend moving far away strongly enough. It's not an option for everyone, though, but if it sounds appealing and y'all find a way to do it, take the chance and don't look back.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 06/27/2013 02:15PM by dogzilla.

Good grief! In essence the lady is saying her in laws are trying to convert her kids behind her back.

A simple NO should do, not a damned complete intervention. The in laws may be missguided, but I have yet to see where an intervention over the mormon church could do any good.

While a simple no SHOULD do, it's clear to me that it's not. I didn't mean for that to sound like an intervention, I was just suggesting trying a different approach. Instead of all this passive-aggressive hinting and hoping the other person gets the point, how bout the husband and wife team up, present a united front, and use words to communicate like adults?

That's all I'm suggesting. The husband is too brainwashed to do this by himself. He's been so mollycoddled his entire life, he's afraid to push back and set boundaries with his parents. So they choose to bypass the wife and undermine her marriage. I'm saying deal with this out front, in the light of day, using clear words that everyone can understand, instead of dropping vague hints that aren't clear and nobody really understands.

Upfront and decisive. I sure like your style Dogzilla!

I'm sorry they pulled this.

However, I am seeing the upside of this. Your husband was loyal to you in this situation, not to them. He didn't capitulate to their demands and he came straight to you to talk about it.

That is HUGE. That your husband is on your side and that is a lot more important than your in-laws being idiots.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/27/2013 05:20PM by The Oncoming Storm - bc.

I find it fascinating how in Mormonism one's offspring are
always CHILDREN to be bossed around by you no matter how old
they are or whether they are married and have kids or what.

I had a wonderful time raising my kids. Now that they are
adults and we are on EQUAL footing it's still wonderful.

Too bad TSCC ruins the parent-child relationship.

Mormons aren't the only ones who try to boss their kids even after the kids are grown. My grandfather kept all his children under his thumb until the day he died and they didn't have any particular religion. My mother hated it and finally banned him (her father-in-law) from our house. I barely knew my grandfather, thank goodness.

And moving might help but there's no guarantee. I heard of a couple that did this and the parents chose to retire and move all the way across the country and moved into the same block as the children! Demanding boundaries and standing united is a better solution.

Take comfort in knowing Mormonism will die with this generation in your family and will not be carried forward. Keep telling your kids (if they go to a church that teaches about the life of Jesus) that Jesus is the end of the story.
They won't find a reason to be Mormon when they grow up.
Mormonism will be deader than a door nail for your future generations.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/27/2013 06:17PM by snuckafoodberry.

I am a grandparent - expecting our 26th and 27th. As such, though I disagree on religion with your in-laws, I also can understand the natural concern for the grandchildren. While I have kept out of this issue re going to church, I did let my oldest grandson know I did not believe in TSCC before he put in papers for his mission. I have also provided the example of going to a different church and drinking coffee for those who live with us. If I were you I'd communicate with a carefully worded note indicating how you feel and understanding the are "well meaning" but "not helpful" and "impinging on parenthood".

This is similar to my husband.....his deference to his parents is SO irritating. Is this a Mormon boy thing? It's a constant issue for us too. What helped the most was geographical distance.

I see a divorce in your future and you'd be better off.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/28/2013 02:43AM by enoughenoch19.

I disagree vehemently. Divorce should not be considered period. The husband is trying to preserve peace.

Not at all. I agree with Rhgc that the husband is holding his ground.

There are plenty of pushy in-laws around, Mormon or not. The couple just has to establish a firm boundary and present a united front.

Your husband needs to grow a pair.

I'd be very up front both with him and with his parents that if they ever try this crap by doing an end run around you again, they will have seen the last of the grandkids, period, full stop.

They got to inflict their religion on their kids, they do not get to do the same to yours.

Do whatever you need to do to protect your kids from Mormonism.

Several years ago, my FIL tried to get his TOTALLY inactive son and his neverMo wife to baptize their two kids...he wanted THEM to bring them to church, mind you, he pestered and pestered them to do it.

They eventually had to grow a pair and tell him NO and to lay off. It worked. Lesson: Son had to stand up to his parents to stop the harrassment.

Send them a short email that says "If you have concerns about the church going habits of our children please talk to DH and I at the same time. It is disrespectful otherwise"...or something akin to that to get the message across that you are setting a boundary AND not happy at the same time. If they push a harsher email can follow, and CC it to your husband so he knows that you are setting this boundary whether he likes it or not.

Every wife wants to feel, above all that her husband "has her back". This means that it's the two of you against the rest of the world, and nobody intrudes in the marriage. Unless you are dangerous or mentally ill, you don't want someone inserting themselves in your family life. This is something we've worked hard to create in our marriage. Unfortunately, too many Mormon men do not know how to stand up to their parents when their parents are wrong.