I want to know your secret. Tell me about the person you are married to and why you married them.

For those of you who are familiar with me, I got married under less than ideal circumstances. My wife is a wonderful person, but I noticed glaring differences between us that I wasnt comfortable with but was told by church leaders to ignore because they were "influences from the adversary". We were both "old" my single mormon dating standards, I felt that this was my only shot at getting married, and I unfortunately bought into the whole idea of "any two people who live the gospel righteously can make a marriage work". Not to mention that I have not come out to my wife about my recent change in beliefs. I havnt confirmed it, but I cannot help but think that my days as a married man are numbered.

We can talk more about that later though. I just want to know what makes YOUR marriage work because I want to know if my expectations for a healthy marriage are unreasonable.

http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,927667,928690#msg-928690

Though the topic of this thread is not similar to yours, read frogdogs response at the top. I just loved what she wrote - so much that I printed it out, folded it and stuck it in my journal for future reference :).

All the best to you!

After many (many) years, I like her more than ever (and I liked her quite a bit to begin with). In many ways it was a rough road getting here, but it’s so nice now. We almost never argue these days. Sure, we disagree, but we’ve already had every argument we’ll ever need to have and there’s really not much that worth getting upset over. We have so many shared memories (and countless private jokes).
We both started moving away from TSCC at around the same time; quite independently of each other, and for very different reasons. I’m very fortunate that the church is not a divisive issue for us.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/09/2013 12:17PM by CrispingPin.

38 years of mostly happy. When I realized things (including myself) were never going to be perfect, things got better. In retrospect, I was just plain lucky to marry a flexible person.

She's fun to be with, I look forward to seeing her when we've been apart -even just for work. When I accomplish anything, she's the one I want to impress. I respect her and feel respected by her.

I'm not going to lie and pretend we don't have issues, but on the whole there are a lot more positives than negatives. I've often imagined what it would be like to be married to other women I know. I'm not so old yet that there isn't still a little sexual attraction now and then. But in the end I always come back to the fact the my wife is pretty great and I'd be stupid to think I could get a better deal somewhere else.

I think I'll call her and tell her I love her.....

Not an easy path, but, I have never loved her more. I try to live to serve her and she me. Somewhere in trying to be what she needs to me to be and likewise, there is peace.

we have have tough times, but, worked through them. The tough times have made the bond tigher.

I am blessed by her.

Best to all,

Merrill

Married 20 plus years. This is my second marriage, my husband's first. We both had "checklists" when we met. Mine was pretty short: honest and a stable income. His was a bit longer, but I fit the bill and we were married about a year and a half after we met.

All of our conflicts are about how to raise our kids.

When you marry someone, you marry their family too, for better or worse. Many, if not all the problems we have had have been do to the interference of in-laws. Kids learn how to be parents from their parents, so we repeated some of the mistakes of our parents, until these mistakes were pointed out, and alternatives were explored. Although my husband supports my church-life 100%, his parents constantly gave me grief.

My husband and I have both experienced life threatening health problems that effect our lives every day.

Anyway, happiness is a vague concept. If you aren't mostly happy with yourself, you will have trouble being happy with anyone else.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/09/2013 01:00PM by presbyterian.

It's been 31 years for us. I know that I'm the best version of myself when I'm with him. We've racked up a lot of shared experiences. No one knows me better at this point.

I have to put in the effort to be good enough to hold onto him. I need to be aware of my annoying attributes and do what I can about them.

Married 26 years. I think I got lucky! He is kind patient and sons friends say they can not believe it when sons says he has never heard his dad raise his voice.
He has never been a mormon - always said it was too dodgy! When I began to have doubts he never pushed either way although it would have been the perfect time to put in the knife.
We have, like all, had good and bad times. We try to work as a team, share tasks etc. Talk and laugh. If one is 'off' for some reason the other picks up the slack
I like to think we put the other's needs before our own.
No magic formular.
He puts up with a lot - I have my moments.
According to church teachings though we could not be together forever. Should there be a God, I don't think he would be that mean
Oh and he catches spiders for me!!

I met my husband when I was 16 years old and fell madly in love with him. He was a cute, polite, blond hair, blue eyed Southern boy driving a red Mustang convertible. At that age I was probably as love with the car as much as him :) We went out twice and then he broke my heart with the "lets be friends" speech. For years we remained friends. And as time passed, I still liked him a lot. My respect for him grew tremendously during that time. He is a good person and I grew to admire a lot of things about him.

It wasn't until after I finally gave up all hope of us going out, that he actually decided he liked me. We started dating again and I got to know him all over again - this time as an adult. We dated for four years and have been married for ten. Like all couples, we've had our ups and downs and we have days where we drive each other crazy, but I still would rather live with him driving me crazy than one day without him.

One thing that has kept constant during our entire relationship is that I have never lost respect for him. I see a lot of relationships where one spouse has lost respect for another and then treats that person badly. I've heard married people talk to each other more cruelly than they would to their worst enemy.

Also, we knew each other a long time before we were married. We knew each other's families. We had mutual friends in common. I'm not saying that's a requirement for a good marriage, but in our case it helped.

We also didn't get married until we were 33 years old. It amazes me how young these mormon couples are when they get married. I barely knew myself at 22. I had just graduated from college, was trying to start a career and was definitely not ready for a family. By marrying older I knew more about what was important to me and I was less concerned about what others thought was best for me. We also waited a few years before starting our family.

At ten years our relationship is great. We are not the insanely passionate lovers we once were but we have a level of intimacy that is incredible.

OP- From what you wrote it sounds like you may have married young (even though you say not by Mormon standards) and possibly because of pressure from your family and church. I think the question that only you can decide is whether you can make this marriage work or if it's not worth trying. Only the two of you can make that call.

Hey Pathist,

I barely dodged the bullet when it came to marrying for the sake of not being left out of the celestial kingdom. I dated a guy that was an RM and the EQP (not to mention his family were millionaires) My parents wanted me to marry him, he wanted to get married, but I just wasn't in-love AT ALL. I was trying to convince myself that I could be happy because he had all of the qualifications and I was getting old for Mormon marriage standards. I remember clearly one day after hearing the quote that you mentioned, making the "logical" decision to marry him. I struggled, cried, prayed...saying, there's got to be more than this...there's got to be somebody better for me out there. Long story short, we took a break and that is when I met my husband...he wasn't Mormon...my family/friends were angry and cruel and took the side of my previous boyfriend.

Fast forward 7 years, we have been married for 5 and have a beautiful son. People constantly comment on how they can tell that we're still in love. He is in the military, so we have spent much time apart. We rarely take our time together for granted. We talk about our problems and have great communication. We make sure to still "date" and just spent our five year anniversary in Hawaii, (without the baby), which is where we met. We're constantly complimenting each other and lifting each other up.

It's so beautiful to have this kind of relationship and I truly hope that one day you get to experience it, whether it be with your wife or a future special someone. I feel so angry about the church misleading and pressuring people to get married. I wish you the very best!

I married my husband because he's a great guy. He is good at everything I'm awful at and thinks about life and the world in a totally different way than I do. Once, I was convinced that those differences would destroy us, but what I've come to understand is that those differences compliment each other. We are stronger and function better because we fill in each other's gaps.
We take time to hang out together and keep getting to know each other. We are patient and forgiving of each other, which I think is the most important thing. People are eventually going to make mistakes, and sometimes it will hurt. But if you're always willing to allow each other to grow, and support and care for each other as you grow, marriage is a lot easier to keep alive, but even more, it is so much more fulfilling to know that someone always has your back. If the entire world abandoned you, you'd have them because you've grown together, alongside of each other.
That's my $0.02

He is my best friend.
We work the same job in cubicles side by side, but we didn't meet at work.
We spend as much time as possible together, there are only five nights we have slept alone since we met, and the first four were while we were dating.
We both grew up poor to different degrees. I was raised with standard mormon republican values shoved down my throat, and he was raised with extreme liberal values pushed onto him. We both swung to the middle politically, me a bit more to the left than him, him a bit more to the right than me. So at least we can generally agree on a lot of the big issues.
We hold hands where ever we can.
We both want the same thing in retirement and are working towards it.
Neither of us wanted kids because both of us come from people with traits that should never be passed on. The cycle stops with us.

Mainly we think our success is general agreement on big issues, a willingness to be wrong and to listen, and holding hands as much as possible. Also spoiling each other frequently. I WANT him ruined for any other woman, no one else will ever treat him as well as I do. :D

Seven years, going strong, still mistaken for newlyweds at times.

It is bliss actually. Thanks for the insult down below, we aren't shallow people.
See the thing is that even through the "rough patches", it is infinite orders of magnitude better than my homelife was growing up. It's so different, the genuine love, that even when I'm angry at him or he's angry at me, I still know that I found heaven.

Maybe it just takes coming from "hell" to recognize what I've got. Bliss.

Hi pathist,

I have been right there with you! I also got married under less-than-ideal circumstances and over the last 10 years together, its been very difficult to notice the things I wish I would have looked for, but was too brainwashed to even consider.

We have a son now, so that gave me the extra push to really want to discover how to be better together. Fortunately, we both left the TSCC, so it hasn't been as difficult as it was for some, but when we left, we both developed completely new ideals -- and not the same as each other, which is also difficult. Sometimes I wonder if the difference in ideals is too much to overcome and if I'm just delaying the inevitable, BUT after a while of the constant worry, I also realize that my marriage is exactly what I make of it. Neither one of us is cheating, abusive, or disrespectful of the other, so its really up to us if we want to be happily married or not. Not that it isn't work -- it is! But I have spent a few years going back and forth over whether our marriage has a solid foundation or not, or if we're "meant" to be together or not. That was exhausting! Making the decision that I'm going to forget all of that and just do my best to stay and make it work is MUCH LESS exhausting than the wonder and the worry.

I will also say that I've had certain "epiphanies" every now and again about us, things like, when I get terrible news and it feels like things are crashing down around me, the person that I want to lean on the most is him. Or when my grandmother passed away; she had been a widow for years, she had her children beside her, but not a spouse. It made me realize that when my own time has come, he is the one person that I want beside me. If I want that, then I better make sure he's still around when that time comes. When the truly difficult times come, I want him and need him, so we better be good to each other in the good times, too. Is any of this coming out right? I'm sorry my thoughts are so jumbled, its only been a few months since I have come to this realization, so I haven't sorted the thoughts our perfectly...

Anyway, think about the things in your life that truly matter -- the turning points and "end" points that all of us have. Does having her there make the picture better or worse? Or no difference at all? When you're low, do you want her to be the one to pick you up? Those are the things that helped me understand that our circumstances in the beginning matter so much less than our circumstances right now and going forward. Even if we didn't have a great foundation when we got married, we're different people now, and we can get to know each other (the REAL people, not the TBM kids) and build a new foundation.

A bad beginning doesn't have to mean gloom and doom...even though I once believed it did. And you know what? I'm happy :)

My husband and I have been married for 6 years. We were in our 30s when we married (so older than the standard TBM marriage).

Like any couple, we've had our good times and bad times. We argue, we disagree, but we also laugh and love. I married my husband because I love him and feel my life is richer with him in it. We both keep the other's poorer qualities in check while also encouraging the growth of the awesome ones.

Things that make it work for us:

- mutual respect of one another as individuals, for all of our traits and faults
- having some things in common, but also enough things we prefer individually so we're not dependent on one another
- senses of humor that gel nicely
- the desire to explore marriage together (because if only one's interested, it's not going to work)

And above all - COMMUNICATION. If something's bothering us, we talk about it, preferably before it festers.

Long story short...I met a girl on a blind date...had a torrid 7 week romance...she broke it off and went back to her boyfriend, who I found out later had made threats unless she didn't...she got married...realized her mistake...left the A-hole...I got a letter from her that she still loved me and did I feel the same...well DUH! I went and brought her home from BC...helped her get divorced...got married (1973). I never stopped loving her from the first day I met her. Now more than ever. We work hard at making it work. Through thick and thin.

Ron Burr



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/09/2013 09:16PM by Lethbridge Reprobate.

Been married off and on literally for 20 years. We married at 18 and 20 and divorced 5 years later. After we realized we really had a good thing we got married again and have been pretty happy ever since. We have gone through almost everything you can imagine together and I wouldn't change a thing.

I think what keeps us going is compromise, and learning to pick your battles.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/09/2013 05:43PM by mlyn627.

I've been married (mostly happily!) for twelve years. We're both neverMos. I second what Presbyterian wrote: "If you aren't mostly happy with yourself, you will have trouble being happy with anyone else."

I would add, along the same lines, "When you ARE unhappy with yourself (or just generally unhappy), don't automatically blame your spouse for it." Don't go looking for "issues" with your spouse when the true cause of your unhappiness may be your recent weight gain, career dissatisfaction, the kids, whatever. I see this happen with married or long-term cohabitating couples ALL the time. It seems it's often easier to blame one's partner than to face up to the true reasons one is unhappy or dissatisfied.

Speaking in general here. A marriage can work with or without children if FIRST you put that relationship at the top of your priorities as far as relationships go. If you marry just to fill a square - time to marry, time to have kids, etc. it won't ever work. YOU have to want to share all your desires with your spouse.Most women imo do not like a totally quiet man.

One of the most important things about sharing is talking about the future....if it is not being talked about, planned for and if you are both not anxious for the next yr. for instance than most likely you are not on the same page. Both must be looking forward to many of the same things in life - not career of course. And there should be agreement on guys nights, girls nights, etc. WE all need our space. A spouse who hovers and watches our every move is not a good thing.

At home if there is no communication then you will never last. If one is always complaining about the other....regarding money, housekeeping, the kids, free time, traveling too much or too little, etc. there best be a meeting of the minds pretty quick or you will drift apart.

And last but maybe most important, if you cheat and the spouse finds out and you don't admit it or truly feel sorry for hurting your spouse ( maybe even her health ) it won't last in most cases. And perhaps it shouldn't. Secrecy is never good. Honesty is always best and shows respect.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/09/2013 09:35PM by honestone.

It's all about being able to say"I'm sorry" by both spouses and overlooking flaws. The wife I ended up with is honest, full of integrity and common sense. She's also a bit stubborn, opinionated and bossy. If I know myself enough to make the observations, I'd say I'm kind, introverted, easy-going but a bit lazy and uncommunicative and no respecter of authority in the Irish way. We still get along, mainly by trying not to be selfish and forgiving each other's flaws.

25th anniversary coming up.
The best advice I ever got was this:
"A marriage is either getting better or getting worse. No relationship ever stays just the same.
If your spouse does or says something that you see in a bad way, retaliate by doing something especially nice for them. It may take a few times before they will feel guilty and do something nice for you. Then you respond by doing another something nice for them."
To see how good your marriage can be, try for the next 6 months doing as much as you possible can to be loving to your spouse.
If at the end of that time, they have not changed for the better, it is probably hopeless.
But there is much to gain if it works.

I've been with my husband for going on 11 years. We were friends before we dated and we get along famously. I think the secret to our success is mutual respect and genuinely liking each other. We have similar interests and complimentary personalities. And we support each other's interests and celebrate each other's successes. He's very easy to get along with and I make him laugh and not take life so seriously. I think that's a big part of why we work so well... That, and we both have similar ideas about money.

I think for a marriage to really work, there HAS to be mutual respect. Neither partner gets to call all the shots. Neither partner can think they are smarter or better than the other. The wants and needs of both need to be respected and each should try to fulfill what the other partner needs, within reason (within a responsible budget, and without making one partner a servant to the other).

Marriage partners should never fall into the trap of acting like a nag or a parent to the other. (So pick a partner who doesn't NEED a parent, and knows how to act like an adult on their own).

Neither partner can belittle the other. EVER. You can't trust your feelings to someone who has stomped on them, or who has trash talked you to their mother or best friend.

Throw out gender roles. We both take care of our own laundry, and throw in extra loads when it's convenient. We both cook (he does more than I do), help kids with homework, shop, mow and do yardwork, and we both clean. I think we complement each other. If he's extra busy or stressed, I try to do more, and visa versa. It's not a 50/50 sort of thing.

You gotta change and grow. Read, find new places to go, try a new activity, do some home improvement projects. Otherwise you'll get bored.

If something is bothering you, you have to say something without getting too pissy about it. If you don't say anything, nothing will change. However, if it doesn't really matter, then just suck it up and ignore it. For example: it's not even worth bringing up water spots on the shower door. I'm not going to assign my husband to squeegee after every shower.

Sprinkle your life with humor. If you can laugh about yourselves, you'll have more fun.

Forgive and don't hold a grudge.

My husband and I were high school sweethearts. He got baptized and served a mission. I waited for him. He told me a year ago that he didn't believe in the church, and I followed him out three weeks later. (Married 23 1/2 years now.)

Our marriage works because we stick it out through hard times. We are both willing to be wrong, and to make changes. We have learned to communicate really well about our needs and the things that bother us. We've learned to let a lot of small stuff go. We no longer measure each other using the LDS yardstick. We have fun together, we laugh together, we have lots of common interests. We are both willing to try new things that the other person enjoys. We give each other space to enjoy our own hobbies. I let him get away with the guys, I go away with the girls. We make sure we parent together and don't let the kids come between us. Marriage is always a work in progress, it requires nourishment and change, and you are never "finished". Humor is nearly always present in our relationship, and makes the hard times more bearable.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/09/2013 10:11PM by twojedis.

I love my husband. We have only been married 8 years but almost two years ago we went through an unspeakable tragedy. The kind of thing thing that people say will either make or break a marriage. We stood together and now I love him more than I thought possible.

Things he does right: I have never seen him check out another woman. When I get irritable and snappy he lets it role off his back. He does his share of chores. He makes me feel beautiful. He works hard. I come before his family. He supports my dreams.

Things I do right:I stay in shape for him. I make him food he likes. I give him massages. I have only turned down sex three times (and it was a delay not a flat out no.) I initiate sex.

These are our things. Other people have other values and that is fine. These are what make us feel loved.

My husband was never a Mormon, and I met him a year after I converted. He was in the Marine Corps and my brother's roommate in the barracks. Every time I called my brother to talk, I could hear "Say hi to your sister for me!" in the background. Long story short, we dated for 2 months and got married a month before he was scheduled to leave for Afghanistan. He was in the infantry, and would be gone for 7 months. We had a very small wedding in the garden of my parents back yard and then left the next day for the Marine base to prepare for him to leave. I say all of this because the way I view and approach my marriage stems from how it began.

My husband and I had a very real threat to our marriage from the moment we said "I do." Death. Several of my friends lost their husbands.. Every moment with him became like our last. We were FORCED to imagine our lives without the other. Talk about it. I played over and over in my mind what it would look like to see two uniformed men walking up my walkway to deliver the message that he had died. When he returned, we faced a new threat to our marriage. PTSD. Every night was drinking, and video games as he tried to relive the battles he had fought over seas. I didn't know how to communicate with him. Eventually we found a way to talk to each other, and THAT is what saved us..

1) I loved him for who he WAS, not who I wanted him to be.
2) I knew from the beginning that every moment together could be our last.
3) Communicate. Not just "How was your day?" or "You're so lazy!" or "You never listen!" but instead from the approach "I feel..." so examples.. "I feel sad and hurt inside when you stay up all night playing video games." or "I felt scared today when I almost got into an car accident, can I talk to you about it?" You need to speak with your spouse about your feelings in a very open and honest way. Let them in.
4) Don't beat a dead horse. Sometimes its best to walk away from the argument. If you can tell your spouse is not listening and only looking to fight, just say "I'm not going to argue about this anymore." and leave it at that.
5) LOVE your wife. Write down the reasons you originally fell in love with her, and then take a moment to remember that woman, and then write down the reasons why you love her today.

Sorry I know that was a lot, and a lot of my own story, but I thought the back story might help explain why certain ideas work with my husband and I.

+1 on the "I feel" framework when talking about problems. A lot of times it helps me realize my irrationality. "I feel like when you tell me you need to visit your alcoholic father in jail because he's having a bad week, that you REALLY just don't want to spend time with me because you hate me"

Ok, it's never that severe, but same idea.

My happy marriage advice is to marry someone who you respect intellectually and vice versa. I'm much more artsy, left-brain and he is very math/science oriented. Our smartness is different, but I really respect his intellect and skillet that is completely different than mine.

I have a friend and work who once told me his wife was nice, but hard to deal with sometimes because she just don't "get" a lot of stuff. Now every time I see him I say, "how's your dumb wife doing?" And he always tell me. He just knows his wife is dumb. It's sad.

I was married at 19 years old. This year we will celebrate our 23 year anniversary. In my case, the secret is simple. She makes me a better person.

Thirty years next month. A total train wreck. We get along, but she doesn't respect my opinions, beliefs, methods, etc. Plus she doesn't like sex, never has orgasms, and won't ever try anything new (won't even masterbate to learn how to have an orgasm). So sex is long gone. Tried books, counseling, etc. No go. She's too stubborn.

Truth is this...I was TBM, horny, and was told I could only have sex if I got married. I did that to the first girl that liked me. Had 5 kids, and now I'm trapped.

I try to make the best of it, get along, go along, but I am NOT living the life I wanted. Nor am I happy. But, my happiness is subordinate to the well being of children and my wife, who I try my best to make happy.

In my next incarnation I hope to be George Clooney and avoid marriage all together. It sure as hell isn't worth all the hoopla over it.

It hasn't all been sunshine and lollypops. Anybody who says their relationship is all bliss is lying or living a very shallow life.

We met at work some years ago. We saw in each other our own best qualities. Both of us believe deeply in looking out for the happiness and well being of the weakest among us and that has remained the central point of our life together. Adopted animals, adopted kids and careers taking care of the seriously handicapped and/or mentally ill. A mutual lack of desire for material possessions, a lack of relgiosity and respect for each other's decisions.

There was a rough patch a couple of years in when I was working WAY too much, not paying enough attention to our relationship and being too stubborn about how much materialism I would accept.

Our central values are the same. We respect each other and treat each other as equals. We will both compromise if need be. I wouldn't want to be with anyone else.

We are both never-mo and religion has never had any place in our relationship, so that helps.

I've been happily married for 34 years. He's my best friend. I'd rather spend time with him than with anyone else. That doesn't mean we don't each have our own friends and interests.

We have a very egalitarian relationship. I couldn't be happy with anyone who was into gender roles. We both work out of the home and split the child care and house related activities pretty equally.

We respect each other. We rarely argue and are on the same page about most things. If we do argue, we do it respectfully and fairly.

He makes me laugh and keeps me from taking myself or anything else too seriously.

This thread may or may not lock up after I post this, so be sure to post a (cont) thread if it is.

I appreciate all of your comments, I think it would be best if I posted a little background on the subject.

I was 29 when I got married, she was 31. She was my first long term relationship. Both of us were feeling old, and I was extremely tired of all the browbeating about being an unmarried priesthood holder who was almost 30. I pissed away most of my 20's because of this. Feeling like I wasnt good enough, or that God was punishing me because I had yet to be blessed with an eternal companion. Prior to meeting my wife, I began drifting away from the church and just doing my own thing. Not partying like a rock star, being promiscuous or getting involved with drugs, just doing my own thing. Low and behold, my depression clears up and I finally feel like im making progress in life. I focused on things that made me happy, and finally became content with being single, even seeing the benefits of not being married. I was even at peace with the prospect of being single for the rest of my life. This was all during a 3 month period or so, and I dont think it really had enough time to solidify. I met the girl who would become my wife and foolishly thought that this was Gods way of finally answering my prayers to bring me back into the fold. We dated, and about 6 months into the relationship I began having second thoughts. I began noticing the incompatibilities between us and breaking up was on my mind.

Now, keep in mind as you read this, I am more of a solitary creature. I am content, even happy when I am alone doing my own thing my own way. I LOVE being independent and the absolute authority in what I do, so it is understandable that being in a long term relationship (a first for me) was quite the adjustment. Which is probably why I started this thread in the first place. As much as it pains me to admit it, I was happier when I was single. If I could go back knowing what I know now, I would opt to break up and stay single. That, in and of itself is what worries me about my marriage. She is a good person, but I do not feel that she is my best friend. When I think about why I married her, it seems more and more like I did so to fulfill priesthood expectations. Throw in a little sexual frustration and the fact that I was a 29 year old virgin, and you have what looks to be a recipe for disaster.

I remember reading something someone posted on this board a few weeks back. I was "that the church encourages incompatible people to marry and mimic love". I love my wife in the sense that I care for her well being and want her to be happy. I trust her, and can depend upon her, but I cant really say that Im madly in love with her. I dont fantasize about being with other women, as odd as it sounds, I dream about being alone. Even to go so far as to take a day off from work when I know she is working just so I can enjoy my space without her bothering me.

This is all why I asked those of you who consider yourselves happily married to describe your mate. To me, the person you married was indeed supposed to be your best friend. Someone you wanted to be with more than any other. Someone you shared much in common with and could be yourself around. Someone who accepted you for you, and wasnt obsessed with making you into what they think you should be. Thankfully, most of you seem to agree with me. Unfortunately, my wife of 6 months doesnt seem to fit the bill. Even if she were to accept that fact that I am no longer a TBM, im not sure our marriage would survive beyond that.

Hope that clears up a few things.

You've only been married six months??? Dude, give it up before you get in any deeper! You can probably get an annulment this early into the whole thing.
Do HER a favor and let her find a man who loves her deeply. Don't even do it for you, as much as you need to.

Just hope you're not going to be like that guy whose wife divorced him, still honoring his vows as if they were somehow more important than life itself.
Discovering what a mistake you made NOW is a good thing. Don't let it fester. I'm sure you've seen some nasty old couples who stayed together for the children or some other excuse and resent the hell out of each other... Is that the kind of future you want? Not just for you but for the poor lady you married who you couldn't even be honest with? "Sparing her feelings" by not telling her is incredibly condescending and disrespectful of her humanity.

I agree, six months in and you are already not good enough? Now that you know you don't have to get married in any particular hurry, nor limit yourself to an LDS wife, the world is wide open and full of color!