DW and I are debating whether to let my unsupportive MIL come out from Utah to visit us in VA. Last week, MIL (after separating from FIL) asked to come out for a visit. We believe that this may be partially an attempt to "Build Allies" on her side of the separation and what is likely to be an impending divorce.

The Background: We came out in Summer 2010 about our leaving the church. Both our TBM families kinda freaked out but were generally supportive with the expection of MIL and FIL. A couple months after coming out, we went out to Utah for a reunion as a gesture of peace and a showing that we wanted to still be part of the family. The next year in 2011, we went out of our way to further extend the olive branch and invited her parents out for the holidays. At first they said yes, but then rudely changed their minds last minute in some odd delayed-reaction objection to our change in beliefs. Both DW and I saw that as the equivalent of peeing on our olive branch and then setting it on fire. So we decided that we would not invite them out again, at least not until we saw a more supportive change in their attitude and behavior. Since then, MIL has not spoken to me or to our kids. She calls DW occasionally, and sends some gifts for birthdays, but no other attempts to relationship build, no conversations.

The Options DW and I Are Discussing Before Responding:

1. Brutal Honesty: We go back to her and say, "You have not been supportive of us, were obnoxious and rude at our last invitation, and have not made any serious efforts to build relationships. We would like you to change that behavior before we let you visit." This would probably be the best option long-term, but very disruptive in the immediate.

2. Put Her Off: We go back and say, "Things are so busy right now, we can't deal with a visitor. Maybe sometime in the future; we'll let you know." This would only work for a while.

3. DW Flies Out to Utah: We go back and say, "A visit out here will not work, but DW will be in Utah on XYZ date for a visit there." This would allow for some maintenance of the relationship without exposing the rest of us.

4. Invite FIL Out First, then MIL: We go back and say, "Sure you can come out. FIL is already coming out on XYZ date and you can come anytime after that." This diffuses her ally-building attempt.

5. Full Open Invitiation: We go back and say, "Sure you can come out. XYZ dates work for us." This would suck donkey, but would be another olive branch. Seriously, how many olive branches can get peed on and burnt before there is no tree left?

Each of these has their advantages and disadvantages.

Advice?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/11/2013 01:55PM by redkoolaidmonster.

If she comes, make sure she's in a hotel so you have some space and breathing room. Plus if things go bad, you don't have to evict her from where she sleeps.

From what you've said above, I'd be inclined to let her come for a visit, but not to stay with me. Thus the hotel.

I agree. I would most likely let her visit, but stay in a hotel. I know that that, in itself, is sometimes a hard thing to bring up, but DH and I have done it with our families finally and now its the expected norm.

As far as the reason for her visit, it seems like there's a lot of speculation on ulterior motives -- which is very possible -- but also, if she is going through a separation and impending divorce, might she also just need some family around? Even if she's a major PITA, she might just need a little support. Does she DESERVE a little support when she didn't give any to you guys? No. But that's who she is, not who YOU are.

I'd say give her a chance and hope for the best, if she crosses the line while she's there, send her packing and say no to future visits.

I like idea number 4. Its possible she regrets her behavior and wants to make peace. If she treats you badly on this visit you can always say not to future visits.

Right now, I'd say #1 is your best choice. Stay out of the upcoming battle royale.

#1 sounds pretty good. I like the idea of inviting her out but contingent on establishing very clear rules and boundaries based on previous problems. One of those boundaries would be - if you come out here we don't want to here a single world about FIL and what is going on there - that is between the 2 of you and we don't want to be caught in the middle.

This could quickly reveal her intent. If she is coming out with good intentions to reconnect and mend bridges she should be OK and understand the boundaries. If she tries to play any games, play and "poor her" drama cards, etc. then you know the intent is bad and you can say - I'm sorry but we are not going to be able to have you visit.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/11/2013 02:32PM by The Oncoming Storm - bc.

So she hasn't spoken to her GRANDCHILDREN in about 18 months by my calculations and all of a sudden wants to come visit. She's a cow just for ignoring her grandchildren.

You've already extended an olive branch and they've widdled on it and shown no desire to include you in their lives.

I vote for #1. The ball on maintaining a relationship is in her court. She needs to own up to her past bad behavior before coming to your house. It is your castle, not hers. The sooner you lay out how you feel about their behavior towards you and you set expectations and boundaries, the better. No matter when you do it, it will be difficult and perhaps, painful.

#2 only delays the inevitable.

#3 does your wife want to go to UT to visit mom? would she be able to have a heart-to-heart with her and set the expectations she has for how mom treats you guys? Only DW can answer that.

#4 you're not sure you want one inlaw coming to your house, why would you want both of them (albeit at diff times) there?

Option #1 with minor modifications. Don't just demand that she change her behavior. Rather, frame that in more specific terms that outline your boundaries. Which behavior, exactly, is it that you wish her to change, and in what way? What will the consequences be if she blows right past that boundary? What will you do -- send her to a hotel, take her back to the airport, stop talking to her during her visit?

Talk amongst yourselves, decide what the boundaries will be and then lay them out clearly and calmly. If she can't work within that framework, so sorry, we'll miss you!

As a backup plan, or as part of the boundary-setting (whichever is more necessary in your case) I would still have a hotel room booked for her. The worst thing that could happen is she turns all manipulative but all the hotel rooms in the area are booked and she won't change her flight dates or can't. Then you're stuck with her. Reserve a room for her, and if necessary, pick up the bill for it as well. Hell, you can always abandon her at your house and sneak off to the hotel for a MIL-break or a nookie break or whathaveyou.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/11/2013 02:49PM by dogzilla.

I'm going to suggest what I always suggest in these situations. Read Toxic Parents and Toxic In-laws. They were immensely helpful for me and my husband in dealing with his parents.

And I'd go with #1. Or at least a modification that includes strict boundaries. She can come but she cannot stay with you, and you will only be available for visits on such and such days and times. If she makes any offensive comments about your religious beliefs or turns it into a bash FIL session, the visit will end.

Option 4 is asking for all out war. She asked to come, if you then invite her soon to be ex to visit before her, she will read this as you're taking his side.

I say Option 2 is your best bet. She and FIL need to leave you out of their problems, stay home and work through this. She is wanting to visit, because she wants to run from the mess she's in. Your wife should be a sounding board to the extent that she wants to be, but not take sides. The family dynamic is changing and you need to maintain your carefully constructed boundaries.

Wait until the dust settles and then extend invitations to all of the parents. Stagger the visits so that MIL and FIL are not there at the same time.

A hotel room might be good self defense, but it's a cold choice.

I reread your post a few times, & I've come to the conclusion that option #1 is your only option. You need to protect your immediate family.

I like idea #1 along with the hotel idea. You have every right to establish boundaries, and to send her the message that you won't just put up with whatever she chooses to dish out. This saves you a world of trouble later on.

I would go with option 5, but I would talk to her kindly but openly about why her last visit was cancelled. Say, we were expecting you that Christmas, but it seems to us as though you cancelled at the last minute because you had bad feelings about our leaving the church. Is that so, and if so, have your feelings changed? See how she responds. At that point, reinforce if necessary that you expect your religious decisions to be treated with the same level of respect that she would want for her own choices.

If she goes into a bashing FIL mode, then you could say that while you empathize with the pain of divorce, it's important to both you and DW to maintain a good relationship with both MIL and FIL, and that any disrespect of him needs to stay out of it (and that you will insist on likewise from him.)

Honestly, she doesn't sound very pleasant, but honestly, not everyone must be supportive of everyone else, not you of her, or her of you.

Don't allow anyone to stay in your home if they're insufferable to have around or if they won't adhere to the rules and expectations in your home. If that describes this lady, tell her you're not able to invite her for a stay over, or tell her how long you will allow.

"Mom, I know you'll understand, but I'm not comfortable with extended family and others staying for more than four days. I've tried it several times before and have realized my limits. How about a three day stay?"

I'm for ignoring the unacceptable behavior. Have never found that focusing on it fixes anything. It can be taken care of in a different way.

However, I am for setting boundaries. No explanation necessary.

You may need to set up some boundaries but do it in a kind, respectful manner.

Visit them, stay in a hotel, keep it short.

Or do the same if anyone visits you.

Put it off until you are confident the visit will be congenial.
Let her/him know you have reserved a motel for them to respect their privacy.

Thanks for all the responses and suggestions, everyone. We have read through them several times and think they have some serious wisdom.

We especially like the responses about finding out MIL's reasons for changing her mind since our rejected invitation, and about establishing some serious future ground rules for any kind of visits here or there.

Thanks again!

Thank God my Mo MIL and FIL are dead. If TBM SIL would follow suit and DW would make it official and resign, that would be the end of TSCC in my life. Call me an a$$hole, if you like, but I'm feeling a$$holish today (VTs cornered DW yesterday... no doubt spewing that ooooh we missss you crap, when DW only attended the ward for a couple of months... or poor Sister Stillburned, your husband is such an evil anti-Mormon, don't know how you put up with it).