I sent this letter to my mom the other day. It is really long, so gold stars to anyone who gets thru the whole thing and onto my mom's response.

Mom -

I talked to my sister for a bit on Monday night and as we were chatting, she brought up that you, Dad and her were all going to Disneyworld in September and wanted to know if I was going.

Much to her surprise (and mine) I told her I had no idea what she was talking about. After a few minutes of questions, my mind was jogged. A few weeks ago you texted me asking about a 2 week cruise in September. I asked if I could invite Live-in-Boyfriend. I got no response back. I called Live-in-Boyfriend on my lunch break and discussed it with him. He said it sounded like fun, but 2 weeks would be really hard for us in the way of using all our time off. I agreed and texted you that it wouldn't work due to the time constraints. You FINALLY texted back and said "okay, we'll try another time Or something like that.

According to my sister, you went to book the cruise, found out you couldn't for some reason and instead booked Disneyworld without telling me. Sister said the trip is only one week. I could have done that had I known.

I was flabbergasted as to the reason I wasn't re-invited on the "family trip." Then it occurred to me. I wanted to bring Live-in-Boyfriend. I put two and two together and surmised what happened.

You can claim whatever you'd like. It is all a mis-communication. I'm being ridiculous. You are offended I would ever think such things about you.. . But let me tell you what this LOOKS like to me. It LOOKS like you wanted to have a "family" vacation and when I suggested bringing Live-in-Boyfriend, it was not kosher with you. Instead of saying, "sorry Emily, I just want this to be parents and kids" an alternate vacation was planned behind my back because it was simpler to just sidestep me all together than to tell me that my significant other wasn't welcome.

I don't know if you have caught on to this or not, but Live-in-Boyfriend and I plan on having a long term future together. I was initially excited about the possibility of letting the family get to know him better. I would never have asked for anything to be paid for by you guys. But whatever. Its your vacation. Your rules. You have the right to invite whomever you want on whatever terms you'd like. Just know that it didn't sit well with me. And also know that wanting to have a vacation "alone" with your fully grown kids is pretty strange and I'm not really into vacations where I get infantalized anyway.

I considered taking a move from the (Her Maiden Name) handbook and simply cold-shouldering you until I decided that you'd been punished enough for hurting me, but honestly, I'm more about communication these days. Not so much that I can pick up the phone and have it out with you, but writing is a good start.

But this letter really isn't about this. I mean, it is about this, but this was just the nail in the coffin for me. This was just yet another example of how all my life, you have made it very clear that our relationship was on YOUR terms. Not mine. Which I suppose is fine, when you are rearing a 3-year-old, but I'm 30. I want to be treated like an adult. I'm tired of this. And for that matter, I want to start treating you like an adult and less like a fragile piece of pottery I shatter to pieces because I can't make you happy.

I don't really know how to go about this other than by just laying it out plainly. The way you act toward me (the whole family, in my opinion, but I can't speak for them) is inappropriate. Some of your favorite labels for me growing up were "oversensitive" and "selfish." But really I think it is YOU that is. For as long as I can remember, whenever you don't like something you throw a manipulative tantrum complete with silent treatments, nonverbal pouting, muttered comments, self pity parties and in your best renditions, silent tears.

And unlike Dad and Sister, I can't just shrug off your tantrums and move on with my life as if everything is fine. I've been trained and conditioned from an early age to feel that I am directly responsible for your happiness (and your sadness). And I have been shown time and time again that going against your will or disappointing you will result in being denied love and acceptance that I have to "earn" back.

It is a pretty bold statement to make. And I'm not making it lightly. But there are things I remember. Vividly. They shaped my perspectives on love, family and myself. I've written this letter a million times in my head, I've just never been strong enough to send it to you. . .

Growing up the most ominous punishment in our house was the cold shoulder/silent treatment. I would literally get knots in my stomach sometimes when I saw you because I would get so stressed out from them. I remember sometime when I was 8 or 9 being told by you that I can't just say "sorry" for my transgression because "sorry" meant I'd never do it again and you didn't believe I was sorry enough. So I'd grovel for hours or sometimes days as you ignored me, shrugging off affection as I begged for you to quit being mad. Sometimes I didn't even know what I did wrong.
I specifically remember one summer when cousin came out for the week you made me write a letter to Distant Relative and I wrote in there something about you keeping cousin and I busy doing chores so we hadn't gotten to play as much as I'd hoped. You gave me the silent treatment the entire week. I had NO IDEA what I'd done wrong. I was embarrassed that cousin had to see you treat me like that. Looking back, I can't fathom why you would ever choose to treat a kid that way. If you were really upset that I was making you look bad to Pieta, why not talk to me about letter writing etiquette? Instead all I learned was that even the simplest misstep would set you off and you weren't going to tell me what I did wrong, because I was expected to know it already. I was never good enough. Its a pretty discouraging place to be in as a kid.

But in retrospect, but the time the letter incident happened (at 12 or 13) I already knew that. I have a vague memory of being little and you having me draw a picture for Grandpa Rich that wasn't up to your standards so you yelled at me. I probably wasn't even old enough to write. I think I was trying to draw a bear and you grabbed it away from me and told me it looked like a flying saucer and I had to start all over.

When Sister came around, the message changed slightly. Whenever I was mean to her, instead of understanding where I was coming from and helping me adjust to having a baby/toddler in the house, I was just told that I was "bad." I was wildly jealous of her and didn't adjust well. I did act out and act inappropriately. But you told me I was mean and my heart was filled with evil thoughts. I constantly felt dirty and shameful. What kind of 7 year old should be filled with shame? I specifically remember the night I got baptized, after the event I squabbled with sister in the car over something. You looked back and commented, "you couldn't even go a day without sinning." This idea that I was a "bad" person followed me into adulthood. Not only did I have to perform to your expectations in my activities, I also had to win your approval as a "good" person. I did better with the former than the latter. I remember coming home with good grades or something like that in middle school and your quote was, "You are talented. But you aren't nice." That stuck with me. Your approval was very important. If my own mother didn't believe I was a good person, how could I?

In middle school, during one of our MANY arguments about me wanting to quit piano to get to dance more, you shoved a "New Era" at me. There was a picture of an olympic qualifying swimmer on the front and you just said, "Why can't you be like that?" You accused me of wanting to quit because I was lazy and ungrateful. I was just trying to express to you where I wanted to focus my interests. But I felt crushed. I was never excelling the way you wanted me to. I felt like you wanted a pony you could parade around your acquaintances and family and you didn't care about my interests or desires. Just like when you told Sister Tolley that you were proud of me that I'd gotten a 3.8 or something in middle school. She retorted back that in their family 4.0 was the only thing that was acceptable. And that suddenly became our rule. You have to keep up with the Tolleys. And I wasn't cutting it.

I don't think you saw it this way, but getting you to "approve" of me was one of my top priorities growing up. I absolutely didn't want to play the organ, do 4H, go to girl's camp, babysit or take correspondence classes during the summer. But I knew it made you happy and I wanted your acceptance more than I wanted to not do those things.

I was honestly never very into being LDS. Even as a child, I just had a lot of questions that Mormonism couldn't answer. It didn't give me peace; mostly anxiety. I never honestly had a real "testimony" and didn't look forward to things like garments and secret weddings and motherhood. I used to think I had a beef with Mormonism, but over the years, I've realized that my pain is from how you used it on me. I vividly remember sitting in sacrament meeting when I was probably 14 or 15 and Susie Smith got up to bear her testimony about how she was questioning her testimony and that she prayed and got answers. You looked at sister and I and whispered, "you don't have any questions, right?" We both shook our heads. It hurt me so badly because I DID have questions, but I knew they were not welcome. If I asked questions, my faithfulness and my goodness as a person would come into question. I fought internally over finding my truth or going through the motions enough to be Mormon enough to keep you happy.

The Mormonism conversation could be a book of it's own though. For the purposes of staying on subject, I can just suffice it to say that I feel resentful that you essentially let "The Church" raise me. Looking back, I really needed a mom to teach me about healthy ways to deal with my emotions, cultivating my talents and handling social interactions. I needed a mom that showed me what healthy relationships and friendships look like. I needed a mom that I felt supported me and loved me. I needed a mom that I knew would be there for me if I failed; that gave me enough confidence to take risks; that made me feel like a worthwhile person. Instead I got a mom that manipulated doctrine to keep me "humble" and scared and obsessed over sleeves, coffee consumption and earrings. If those things were in line, I didn't "need" any other support.

Another constant theme growing up was being told I was greedy and ungrateful any time I asked for anything. To this day I remember one time at the grocery store you going into a minutes-long deliberation over buying a dish scrubbie because you didn't feel like you "needed" or "deserved" it. I guess you were too busy feeling bad for yourself to realize what kind of example you were showing 8 or 9 year old me. And yes, I paid attention and felt like I didn't deserve anything I had.

To make matters worse in trying to please you, some of my earliest Christmas time memories are being dragged along from store to store as you took back pretty much every Christmas gift dad got you that year. It sent a pretty clear message to me that I'd better not mess up or my show of love too would be rejected. I honestly don't know how Dad puts up with it. If someone took back half the things I picked out for them I'd be crushed. I remember the first time I voiced an opinion on my Christmas gifts. It was 7th grade and for some reason I got like 12 Barbie ornaments. I liked Barbie ornaments, but it wasn't ALL I wanted for Christmas. But when I commented that all I got for Christmas was ornaments, you got huffy and must have remembered my comment because the next year I didn't get any ornaments.

Even today I try so hard to find you a good gift to prove that I love you and understand you and know your needs and the smallest things get thrown back in my face. I don't need to remind you about the Christmas coat debauchle. But you did it again for your birthday this year. I spent HOURS combing the internet trying to find a coat in a style and color you'd like. All I got was a text about how you are too fat and it didn't fit. I felt like crap. Failed again. How is it that I'm 30 years old and I'm STILL trying to get you to accept me? Maybe it is my problem. I didn't give you a gift simply to give it to you because I love you. I gave you a gift hoping that you'd love me for it.

It was always "all or nothing" with you. You either did it all right or nothing right. Looking back, I'm saddened about poor choices I made and missed opportunities during my teenage years due to my feelings of worthlessness and the despair that I could never be "good enough" so why bother at all?

In college, when I finally got some space to spread my wings, I was an emotional wreck. I waffled back and forth between growing into my own person and being terrified of becoming a person you wouldn't love anymore. I remember when you and dad found out about the diet pills and the antidepressants and you both just shrugged off everything; you making the comment that you can't understand why I'd possibly be "stressed."

REALLY?

Its like you guys didn't even know me.

When I was engaged to Exhusband, I remember trying to talk him into being LDS, not because I believed it was true or that it made me happy, but because I knew it would make you happy. He was able to talk me out of that one, but getting married was heart wrenching because even though it was what we wanted, I knew it wasn't what YOU wanted and it put a cloud over my memories. When Exhusband told me that he really wanted his grandfather to marry us, as was tradition in his family, I told you that I didn't want Bishop C to do it. I remember your quote exactly. "I'm disappointed but I'm not surprised." Exhusband and I used to use that quote jokingly to lighten the mood during tense situations for years after. It was a way of trying to lessen the pain it caused me when you said it. It cut me because it really summed up how you felt about me for pretty much my whole life. Your insistence on having everything as LDS as possible because it is the "next best thing to the temple" really hit me. I'm second best. I'm not the cookie-cutter Molly Mormon daughter you wanted. I'm just me. I'm second best. I come after your faith in the order of life.

Even when I was married, I put your approval above my spouse's wishes. In retrospect, I know that caused tensions in my relationship, but I was programmed to think about it first.

I feel like you've used religion to manipulate me. And you have rubbed my face in i during times that should have been happy. My wedding was a huge point for me but it was by far not the only time. When I got my packet from the peace corps, you were the first person I called. I was SO EXCITED. And you said, "I guess this is the closest thing I get to experiencing a mission call." Like so many thing in my life, this moment, too, became about you and what you wanted in a daughter. I felt like a failure for not making you happy.

I'm not a mind reader. I don't know what you want or need I just know every time I see you your eyes tear up about something you refuse to talk about or you play the "strong silent" card and make conversation awkward. And I inevitably feel like I'm doing something wrong. I'm not giving you enough attention. I'm not giving you the right attention. I don't know what you want, because you won't talk about it. I can only assume you want a perfect Mormon family to paint an idyllic picture in your head. So whenever you are around us you mourn for the life you didn't have because you are stuck with us.

Maybe you throw tantrums because you feel rejected by me.Maybe you feel that I treat you badly. I will be honest. I have a LOT of pain and distrust in my background with you. It has made me distance myself. I don't feel like being "chummy" to people who are cold to my significant others and make me feel guilty for not spending time with them in the way that they want.

Yet through all of this, I STILL want my mom. I want a relationship I've never had. I want to be accepted and loved and valued as an adult. I want to share with you what is going on in my life. I want to feel wholly included in yours (not just inviting the parts of my life you "approve" of). I don't know if that will ever happen.

I've been thru a decent amount of therapy in the past 3 or 4 years (post divorce and at grad school) and it was some of the best stuff for me. I have to say the past 3 years have been the happiest I've been in my life. At the end of the day, I'm the person that has to like myself. And when I was trying to be who I thought you wanted me to, I didn't like myself much. I'm not a doctor so I don't have a professional opinion, but I think you need therapy. Lots. I feel like you had kids to make yourself happy and I grew up feeling responsible for your happiness. I feel like you have such low self confidence in being a good mother that you had to turn to religion to teach morals and values because you didn't trust yourself to do it. I don't know if that is the case, but it what I SAW growing up. And what I see now is a woman that still won't take responsibility for her own happiness. If you are saddened because of my choices, that is your problem. You are completely capable of finding a new family to dote on you, wear garments with you, go to church with you and be perfect with you. But despairing because I'm not isn't going to work on me anymore.

I've been through things in my life that you never have - divorce, legal proceedings, living on my own, living abroad, military training, postgraduate work. I try to be a reflective person and it is safe to say that my experiences shape my outlook on life and the choices that I make. I love my life. I love the people in my life. I love my job. I love the choices I've made. All of them. Even sending you this letter.

I don't know what will become of our relationship after this. But the fact of the matter is that I can't go on "as is." I can't support my family that won't accept my significant other. JR's family welcomed me with open arms at Christmas. There were no "tests" to pass or tricky personalities that I had to kowtow to. I feel only marginally and conditionally accepted by my own family. The current situation isn't healthy. I'm working to get over my "issues" to have genuine, healthy relationships. I know I'm not perfect. I know that I am a little spoiled and I've lacked maturity and tact in more than one occasion, but I finally am "okay" with myself most days. I can finally honestly believe I'm a "good person" and I'm "good enough" as well. . . But I don't know what to do with "us."

I'm not sure if sharing it with you will give me my desired result. What I wanted to do was open up the conversation. It isn't a secret to either one of us that our relationship over the years has been "strained" at times. I don't know where you are coming from and why you've made the decisions you've made. I can guess, but I don't know. Maybe you think you are a terrible mom and you need my constant striving to please you as confirmation that you aren't. Maybe you were so tied up in Nana's manipulation you didn't know what you were doing. I really don't know. I'd like to know though. Now you know where I come from.

I want you to know that I've "dropped the rope," so to speak. I am no longer holding myself responsible for your happiness and I'm letting go of the affirmations I got growing up that I am selfish, "bad," and of a lower standard because I am not LDS. It took me 30 years to do that, but I'm tired of believing things that aren't true.

Maybe you were happy with the way things were. But I wasn't. A tense, fake relationship isn't worth my time and energy. I feel like you hide behind your temple recommend; if you check all the boxes, and get one, you must be a good person. I'm sorry I didn't buy into that. (There I go apologizing again) I'm not sorry I chose differently. A dress with sleeves, decaffeinated tea and a 10 percent tithe don't make people "good" People that refuse to watch "R" rated movies or set foot in a tavern aren't automatically better than those that do. In my eyes, people who take responsibility for their own happiness and cultivate honest and genuine reciprocal relationships are good. People who don't emotionally manipulate others are good.

Someday, if I'm a mom, I will make mistakes too. Probably a lot of them. But hopefully the work I do now to understand how words and actions affect people will help me prepare. But what about us? What is this going to accomplish between the two of us? What do I want with this whole rant? I have no idea how this will make you react. What I'd like is for this to open the door to facilitating a more open and honest relationship between us. But I realize it could backfire. You could be very hurt about the laundry list of negative memories I have and totally shut down. You could think I'm crazy and lying. You could have an equally long list of grievances for me. I know you make comments about having to hold your tongue in order to avoid making me upset, so maybe you feel like me not holding mine is completely inappropriate.

For what its worth, I love you. You are my mom. You'll always be my mom. And in the world of parents, I still feel lucky. I wouldn't be where I am today if it weren't for where I come from. And I like where I am today. And all I want is a better relationship with my mom. We both would need to work on it. This may or may not be the "right" way to go about it, but it is an honest way.

I'm not ready to talk about this on the phone or in person. All attempts to call me will go unanswered until I'm ready to talk. I'm open to written communication, but I need time to process this communication and I can only do that in writing.


She wrote back:

> Sweetheart, I am flabbergasted by the email. I thought you couldn't do any trip due to new work and not able to get enough time off. I really thought Dad had told you the plan for disneyland because of that. Honey, I remember well our conversation on the road trip back from S. Carolina about Live in Boyfriend being important in your life. And will be for the future. This Disney trip is totally a miscommunication. I thought you mentioned that you would rather have the time at Christmas - him included.

I'm kind of feeling blown off here. . . a) I don't believe that malarkey about "dad told you" (because he didn't - and she is super controlling so she wouldn't give him the responsibility to communicate that to him) and b) she didn't really address me pouring out my heart to her. . .

Am I in the wrong? I've literally NEVER told her these things. I'm just at the point in my life where I can't go on as things were. Maybe I really made a mistake. Thoughts?

Kudos to you for writing what you have been thinking.

I need to communicate some similar thoughts to my mom...

I think the most important thing you wrote is the remark about not being responsible for your mom and treating her like an adult (not a fragile piece of pottery or whatever).

Good for you, anyway.

I see things your way, but I have a similar experience with my own mom. Good luck!

What...that's all she said? It's like she read the first paragraph and blew off the rest of it. She'll come back one day and say she could never do anything right.

I could totally see her using that line. . . unfortunately

You are not in the wrong. You can tell because you predicted that she would say the plans were all a miscommunication. Its a good indication that you know your mother well and you have not had a skewed perspective on what has happened in your family. ok all our perspectives are skewed of course but you're not far off the mark.

How long was in between sending your letter and receiving hers? It sounds to me like she isn't ready to deal with the rest of the letter yet and only answered the part that she felt she could.

Let her process it. If she still doesn't deal with your feelings in a mature way, then you know that the relationship you have with your mom is the one you will always have.

If she does deal with it, hopefully it will be in a positive way.

For what it's worth, your letter sounded very heart felt and sincere and you sound emotionally healthy.

Wow. And you were worried that people couldn't get through that. I couldn't stop reading, because it's all so very familiar. My Mom isn't quite that bad, but there's a LOT in there that I can really relate to. My Mom was very critical. I do know that her own Mom was much worse.

I can tell you that the healing in our relationship began when I basically did the same thing and let her know how her criticism made me feel. I told her that she literally raised me not to have a self-esteem.

She tried to blow it off and she said that she thought that criticizing me would make me strong. I said, "No, it didn't. It made me think, 'Why bother trying?'" That seemed to really surprise her.

But the moment I stopped letting her criticize me, that's when she began to respect me and things changed quite rapidly after that.

Human beings often take out their own weaknesses on those who let them do so. All I did was tell my Mom that whenever she criticized me, I would walk away and that's what I did.

One day I traveled an hour to see her. I walked in the door, she said something critical and I silently turned around and walked out again. She was so shocked, but it showed her that I was serious and the criticism stopped quite quickly after that.

You've taken that first step and it's a good thing. If nothing else comes of it, your own self-esteem will begin to heal as you respect yourself more and more. *hugs* I've been on this road and I know what it feels like.

Thank you all for the support. . . it means a lot to me. It was very emotional and personal and to have it all disregarded like that really hurt.

I'm hoping that she is just taking time to process it (she's had about 3 days now) and she will want to talk. I would love a real relationship with her. But I don't know if that is in the cards for us. . .

Wow. I so admire you for having the bravery to communicate so openly with your mom. You did a great job of expressing intense memories and emotions without sounding over dramatic or hateful. How disappointing that she didn't even address the important issues that you brought up. You have done your part to open the door for reconciliation, hopefully in time she will have the maturity and integrity to respond appropriately.

I'm going to give you my opinion on your letter, not your mother's. Many of the things you wrote could and should be said to a therapist or a really good friend, not your mother. She can't do anything to change the past. Believe it or not, parents make mistakes. Big ones, too! So, what did you hope to accomplish with this email? Did you want an apology? Did you want her to change who she was? Or who she is? The only thing you can do is change yourself. You can't please your mother? Than why try? Live your life!

I'm sorry to disagree with you, it is not meant as criticism, and I hope you don't take it that way. It comes from a mother who was not at all perfect and who, unfortunately, raised her children in the Mormon cult. Thankfully, they are all out, but they wouldn't have been if I had pushed them in that direction when they weren't ready. They would have clung to it like fly paper.

A long time ago, I confronted my dad with what I saw as the fact of him treating his step-children better than he treated me. That conversation didn't go well and we didn't speak for several years. Dad's gone now. I miss him terribly, but one thing I know for certain: He always loved me, much more than he cared for the step children. It was my brother and me who spent Dad's last months together, as he steadily succumbed to cancer. The step children were nowhere to be seen.

How to heal from parents who have hurt you? Identify the source, discuss with a trusted friend or therapist, give it plenty of time, then let it go and get on with your life.

What's your motivation in second guessing what she wrote to her mom? It's already been sent.

I see that. shrug.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/15/2013 10:54PM by wine country girl.

She stated clearly in her letter what she wanted to come out of sending it: She wanted to open a dialogue and really deal with the issues to build stronger relationships.

OP, I'm sorry, but I think your mother is incapable. She might want to, deep down in her heart of hearts, but she doesn't know how and all of this scares the crap out of her. Her response is exactly the same as it has always been: you are dismissed and only what she thinks/feels/says/does is important.

Keep going to therapy and if I were you, I would work on letting go of the hope or expectation that you will ever win mom's approval or that the two of you will ever have a healthy relationship. Unless SHE decides something is wrong with her -- and she won't be able to, because that would go against everything she's said and done her entire life -- and she goes to get help, nothing will change. And I suspect nothing will ever change.

I tried talking to my dad, in a very small way, about this sort of thing and the minute I heard his justifications and he expressed how he didn't know what I was talking about, I knew it was pointless. My dad says he doesn't remember things that were really traumatic for me. But he writes it off, so I'm supposed to ignore the PTSD because it never happened.

I'm sorry for the loss of your relationship with your mom. You are going to have to mourn that loss in order to move on. Hugs to you. It's hard. (Understatement of the week.)

I had a hard time reading that letter. My TBM daughter sees a lot of problems with me--and is forever judging me and how I do things. We find a little more peace as time goes by. She adores so many of her "mormon" mothers and she has caused me untold pain. Sure, I wasn't a perfect mother, but I did my best as a single mother dealing with the fallout of a gay/straight marriage. My daughter seems to think I expect her to "take care of me," too. As my therapist said, "She is an adult now--she has to take responsibility for her feelings." I am not allowed to cry around my daughter as then she feels she has to fix it, but if her mormon mothers cry, they are just spiritual. I know my daughter tries to understand me, but I'm not mormon so I'm somehow lacking. Or because I yelled at her maybe 10 times in her life for not coming home before 3 a.m. and I was worried about her.

I did the same to my mom and she is gone now. She was far from perfect and probably had a personality disorder, too, but, hell, I miss her. You realize when they are gone that whatever problems they had, you'd put up with them FOREVER just to be with them again.

As I've looked around, MANY people in their 20s/30s don't get along with their mothers and can see so many problems. My mother hurt me MANY TIMES. I hurt her, too.

My therapist told me too late in life to do what I chose to do for my parents and if my mother threw a temper tantrum, then I was to ignore it--and continue to do what I could for them. It changed a lot. I didn't allow her to guilt me into most things any more.

I find it interesting that my daughter--who does she call when she is down? Who does she call when she needs reassurance? Who does she come running to when she needs help? Her mormon moms? Nope.

We mothers aren't perfect. We did the best we knew how.

First a happy dance! You and me! YES!!!! YES!!!! You've done wonderfully! Yeah! We grab hands we jump and jump and squeal! Yeah!

You told her. You did it!

You identified Her sick behavior.

EVERYTHING she has accused you of is what is going on inside of her! It's called "projection".

All your child self feels is rejection. I had a father who was always in competition with us. NO MATTER what we accomplished it somehow was a reflection on HIM or He made us do the homework or we would NEVER have accomplished it without his help! So he naturally must take all the credit for your accomplishements....only the ones he approved of! And what he thought was okay to accomplishe was a very narrow range.



Now this is very important.....

SEND A CARBON COPY OF THIS TO YOUR SIBLINGS, FATHER, GRAND PARENTS, COUSINS....anyone who your Mother gossips to....

Then they can read their own copy and not just get the cherry picked snippets from her mouth.


Hard as it is...you don't need her. (see book "Toxic Parents")


She is hurting inside and you can't help her...she does not have a problem as far as she's concerned....and it is not up to you to fix her.

Besides she wants to be 'fixed' on her terms only.

Do you know that if you did everything right on her terms SHE CANT BE HAPPY BECAUSE SHE FEELS BROKEN INSIDE????


Get a copy of "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" it details all the crazy making and manipulative ploys of the twisted ill people who are toxic in your life.

When you can see their patterns you can play a mental Bingo as it were...oh they used the 'poor pitiful me' ploy, oh...now it's the "it's all your fault I'm not happy" ploy.....now it's the "you have to jump throught this hoop and then I'll be nice to you".....



"Your Eroneous Zones" by David Dyer has specific strategies on what to do with the "Cold shoulder' ignoring person. How to detach and what healing words to tell yourself so the persons cold scorn and noncomunication runs off your back.


I hug you hard across the web.....love you very much....you're already healed in so many ways....it's as if you've pulled a toxic shrapanel out of your body....the wound is festering....but it is no longer in you to poison you....
Keep draining out the bad, clean the wound....

teach yourself good things to say to yourself....Re new your mind! Tell yourself you are a good person and you don't put up with childish, selfish behavior......nor do you have to.

I think you were right on calling your mom out on her bullshit. I would say that your letter was too long though, but that's just IMHO. It could have been more direct.

I'm impressed & even proud that you stood up to your mom like that. I have had to do the same thing with my parents, & I know it makes me look really bad, but I've had to do what I think is right in order to defend myself & my existence.

Wow, that hits pretty close to home. Now, I'm no professional, but your mother's behavior sounds very much like a personality disorder. If you haven't already discussed with your therapist, do some investigation into borderline personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder. My money would be on BPD, but it is hard to tell without being really close to the person.
If those sound familiar, I would recommend www.bpdfamily.com or "Understanding the Borderline Mother" which is a great book, as well as "stop walking on eggshells," you seem like you are a very analytical person, so this kind of thing might be helpful, if you haven't already done the studying.

on another note, my parents did the exact same thing, as did my sister. I wrote this long email trying to express myself and they honed in on a single paragraph, ignoring the rest.

At the end of the day, they will live in their own twisted world, and the only way to stay sane is to divorce yourself from it.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/15/2013 09:19PM by newatthis.

I don't know if you wrote the right letter, or if your mother will in any way change or take feelings and thoughts other than her own into consideration, but you needed to do something and you needed to do it now.

I have a dear friend who is tormented by her mother on nearly a daily basis. He mother beat her when she was a child, derided her about her weight as a teen, inspite of the fact that she was a beauty queen, and was so demanding of her time and attention as a young wife that she ruined what could have been a great marriage.

Like I said, the abuse continues. Her therapist has told her to disingage. She has not been able to do that because she doesn't have the heart to leave her mother in tears. She should have built boundaries many, many years ago. Now my friend is 63 and her mother is 83 and it seems like elder abuse to cross her, so the disfunctional relationship goes on.

We teach people how to treat us and your mother needs to be schooled. Good start!

When I called my mother on her 'stuff' it was of course very upsetting for her. But after I called her on her stuff and gained some self-respect, I was able to forgive her and move on, simply because she began respecting me. It was also healing for her. We both healed and now have a great relationship. But it took over 50 years.

Today we went shopping together and actually had fun.

The fact that I can say, "Yeah Mom, it wasn't fun, but it's okay now," has helped her as much as it has helped me. I now realize that she also carried a lot of guilt because of the way that she treated me, so I have released her from that as well.

I can't promise it will be that way for everyone, but I can say that there's always hope.

I can see people's points about how the letter might not do any good. I have this fantasy that deep inside she is just as self aware as I am and just needs to be invited to change. Maybe she'll be like Greyfort's mother. It is probably not the case. What is probably the case is that she'll get butthurt and claim I damaged our relationship.

At this point, if she pulls that at least I can walk away saying, "well. I tried. I drew a line in the sand. She knew I was upset and I invited her to reach across." Maybe telling her off was really selfish. I'm 80 percent sure I won't get the result I wished for and this is just hurting her more than I already do. I suppose I could have just written the letter and filed it away as a therapeutic exercise. . . but I wanted her to know that I wasn't happy with our "relationship" and I am done playing her games. I'm exhausted.

My life is better now than ever before. I've got a great relationship. My career is doing well. I've moved on from a not so great first marriage and a hideous divorce and I'm finally confident enough to want to start a family, but I'm TERRIFIED of my mom hurting my significant other, future kids or anyone else. I'm also terrified of turning out like her. Hopefully dealing with these issues now will prevent that.

I'm so glad your relationship and life are going well. I think you did the right thing by sending your mom the letter. If she does not respond to your letter showing a true willingness to work toward a better relationship, you may want to just avoid further contact so that she does not have the opportunity to influence you or your significant other and possible kids.

It kind of reminds me of how some TBMs love the LDS Church and others can't get away from it fast enough. It's all in the experience.

Many of us feel that the Church damaged our self-esteems and leaving began the healing process. But others will say, "I don't understand it. My experience with the Church has been great. I love the Church."

Advice often comes from our own experiences. My experience with talking to my Mom about the damage she caused me really helped in the end. But it took 20 years from the time we had that first talk before we got quite close. But at least the emotional abuse began to end immediately.

For wine country girl, her experience was not positive, so her position is understandable.

Basically, we only know what we know. In other words, our experiences colour the advice that we give.

Anon, you've done what you felt you needed to do to try and make a difference and to begin to heal. I don't know what your outcome will be. I hope it's more positive than negative. But it was right for you and for what you needed. Many years of holding in the pain was not healthy.

All you can do is go from here and hope that some form of communication can begin between you and your Mom. If not, as you said, at least you tried. Then you can make some decisions from there.

Wow. This letter hits really, really close to home for my experiences with my own mother. I think you did the right thing in letting her know how you feel in such an honest way. I'm stunned by her flippant response.

Not many people are as self-aware as you are. I guess that is a result of your years of therapy. I just want to show my support. You can't let your mother control your life. Live for yourself. -Lots of love!-

No you did not make a mistake. YOU told her what was in your mnd and heart. She can read it and comprehend it and take some positive actions or she can blow it off. Just know you spoke clearly and honestly and now it is all up to her. Toxic people do not belong in anyone's life. If she makes a gesture to get together, do so and let this letter melt away-unless she wished to talk about it. YOU do not have to make any first moves. And for some with a parent like this all that is required is a birthday card and Christmas card and maybe Anniv. card. That is it. For life.

On my best days I doubt I could muster that much clarity and honesty. Wow.

I wonder if she even read past the first few paragraphs. I'm not sure what the future will bring (who is?), but looks like you have given notice that what happened in the past is not going to continue.

After this "intervention" of yours, you should allow her to come to you. I recommend that you don't go out of your way to talk to her, but if she comes forward to reconcile and show unconditional love, do your best to love her. Of course, I'm not a professional. Don't trust my judgment.

I could have written almost those exact words to my stepmother. But, emphasis on the word STEPmother. She did a tremendous amount of damage, but at the end of day, she wasn't my bio mom. I can't imagine having the one person in the world who is supposed to love you unconditionally treat you like that. I am so amazed that you have been able to turn things around and arrive at a healthy, happy place. I am also very sorry that she chose not to address the main points of your e-mail. But I doubt she has the capacity. Just let RfM put our arms around you and give you the comfort and love she never could. You are amazing.

Doesn't sound crazy to me. I didn't read the entire letter because I have a bit of ADD, but I got the gist of it. Are you wrong because you're mother shrugged it off as a misunderstanding? I don't know, there's no reason to assume you are with so little to go on.

What I've found when it comes to my family is that I've often been wrong about their intentions and motivations, or rather my understanding of their intentions and motives have been very incomplete, but their actions are their actions how would you be wrong about that?

Still, in my experience, when you point out the behavior that makes a relationship difficult. Even when they shrug it off as a misunderstanding they will often stop that behavior anyway. Your mother might very well do everything she can do change her behavior towards you even though she's too proud to admit you are right.

Your mother continues her previous behavior, and dismisses your opinions, your feelings, and you.

That's her response.

My advice: Time to declare her as no longer relevant in your life and live how you want. If she contacts you in the future, respond respectfully and politely, but you're through trying to connect emotionally with her - she's rejected that approach.

Yep, I was going to say your letter didn't make a dent. She has turned it back around on you and silent treatmented the majority of the letter.
This acknowledges everything you accuse her of, and by not responding, she proves it's exactly what she wants and needs. She is lapping up your pain like it's delicious.
Once again, you are the one failing, in her eyes, by sending this accusation. She can't even be bothered to acknowledge it beyond "flabbergasted". She might as well have said, "Look at this mess! I didn't do it!" for all the response she gave you.
Although she did lead in with "sweetheart" which is more than I'll ever get out of my mom.

I think a previous poster is right, consider with your therapist that your mother is cluster B personality disordered. That's either narcissism or borderline pd.

That you've done your part. She has responded as she will. It's time to cut her off. If possible, block her e-mails after warning her that you will be doing that.

I just have to tell you that after I read your letter I stood up in my office and clapped.

It's not important what your mom replies with. What's important is that you wrote that letter. That was awesome..

I'm with Michael. Every child deserves to be loved, period. There's nothing to gain for you in this relationship. Break it off. It will be hard, because you will still have to deal with all the feelings you wrote about, and the pain will numb but never go away. But it will be on your terms, not hers.