I Had a rough talk with my DW tonight. We rarely discuss beliefs since I stopped believing in the church. It's been almost nine years since I came to that conclusion. Before that point I always discussed with her my beliefs and she was with me every step of the way through my doubts and struggles with the church. So I didn't blindside her with my unbelief. She was surprised however that I didn't come away with a stronger testimony because she saw how much effort I put into overcoming my doubts. This included fasting every week for several months, talking to the bishop, attending the temple, and everything else I could think of to make myself receptive to the "Lord's Will".

She struggled the first couple of years wondering if our marriage would survive and whether I would become some raving lunatic now that I was an apostate. This was especially true when I began drinking coffee and having an occasional drink of alcohol. I didn't drink openly because I knew she didn't approve of it and would give me withering looks whenever she knew I had been drinking. I even attempted to drink a beer in a restaurant in Mexico while we were on a vacation without the kids. But even though I asked for her permission before I ordered it, she still gave me dirty looks throughout the meal. So that was the only time I have openly drank in front of her. We have now been married for over 17 years which means I've been a non-believer for about half our marriage.

She surprised me about a year ago when she told me that she found it hard to believe at times that I was a better father and husband than a lot of active Mormon men that she knew. That made me feel good that she would say something like that. But I was also pretty sure that she was still holding out hope that I would reverse directions and find my way back into the church since she was still judging me by Mormon standards.

Well, tonight I finally worked up enough courage to tell her that not only was I not going to return to church, but that I've pretty much determined that there is no God or an afterlife. I have been avoiding this because I knew it would be disappointing for her, plus I wanted to approach it in a way that she didn't feel like I was trying to deconvert her.

When I had first discovered the falsehoods of the church I tried to bring my wife over to my way of thinking, but she threw up the walls and I knew it would be impossible to force her to believe differently than what she wanted to believe. I also knew that she loved TSCC and it actually brings her happiness. She is the type of person that does her visiting teaching the first part of each month because she enjoys it, not because she feels obligated.

So my purpose tonight was to try to gain acceptance of my view on life from her like I have tried to do with hers, by giving her a better idea of what that view was. I told her that she didn't need to worry that just because I am atheist it would mean that I was going to start living it up or taking the "Eat drink and be merry for tomorrow you may die" type of attitude. I told her I am the same person I have been for several years, the only difference is that now she knows more about how I view life. I told her that my view is that I really have a love for life and want to be able to enjoy it for as long as I have good health. So in order to do that I exercise daily and eat healthy and avoid doing things that I feel are bad for me.

I told her that unlike her, I don't believe the WoW is a good guide to what I put into my body. I told her I won't use tobacco because I know it is not good for me. But I do not believe coffee, tea, or an occasional drink are bad for me. I also told her that my family is an important part of what makes me happy so she does not need to worry that I would seek pleasures outside of our marriage.

I could tell that what I was telling her wasn't really easing her feelings about what she was hearing, so I asked her if I had just dashed her hopes of me returning to the church and she confirmed that she was still holding out hope and was sad that it would probably never happen.

She then told me how she was upset because she had waiting until she was in her 30's to find a worthy husband to take her to the temple and someday go on a senior mission with her and now I had taken part of her dreams away. I returned with the fact that I understood how she felt because I was upset that I was lied to my whole life and led to believe in a made up religion. I told her that I wouldn't go into any details about why I felt that way because I didn't want her to feel like I was trying to convince her that the church was false. But I wanted her to understand that I knew there is absolutely no possible way that the church was true.

Anyway, it hasn't been very enjoyable this evening but I am glad I was finally able to tell her how I felt. And I was able to ask her to please try to be accepting of me and to not judge me by her beliefs. I think it'll take a while for the dust to settle, but I do think that this will eventually help strengthen our marriage.

Sorry for my rambling. I just needed to let my feelings out to a group of people that can understand the difficulties it can be with family members that are TBM.

That sounded hard.

I was thinking how brainwashed-sounding it is that her goal for being retired and old was a "dream" of going and paying for a Senior mission. I too once thought that was what I should do when I am old.

Of all the things I can think of to serve others and enjoy retirement, that is NOT remotely attractive to me now!

I hope over time she will search on her own and come to respect your and understand your decision.

Thanks for sharing.

Well said. It's important that she knows that you love for her is the same. Your religious views should not change that.

Thanks for posting. I don't really have much to contribute other than for what it's worth, i know how you feel. I decided that i am an atheist much sooner in life than you did (judging by the length of your marriage), and even then it was difficult to tell people who i thought should know. There's always this idea that atheists have to be hedonistic, and that simply isn't true. I often am told by TBMs that i am a very moral person for being an atheist. How condescending is it to assume religion has a monopoly on morality?

In any event, I hope you can find consolation in somebody else experiencing a similar event.

The doubts that emerge as the shadows of unstated beliefs constantly linger in a relationship are but a slow cancer. Yes, you chose years ago to let go of the church's utopia and exchange it for the facts of the past and the obvious deceptions of the present. She, while retaining a dream based on a falsity, yet hoping to have the heavenly blessing of maintaining the ideal of a happily retired couple serving a call that will canonize you in the family history. Is she WRONG for wanting this? NO, but her perspective is being challenged and, of course, when that is presented, FEAR makes it self known.

Telling her of your apostasy from the God dream is the RIGHT thing to do. It gives her a platform to review and determine HER values. If she determines the dream is more important than your many years together, then so be it. She will be free to pursue her etch a sketch life, and you will be free to experience yours. That may seem rather caviler in light of the length of the relationship, but life IS an experience only. Measurements of success are subjective, not objective. Living one cornered by beliefs that no longer serve you is self imposed slavery.

This is probably one of my favorite posts, ever..

You are brave and you did a great job. I think your wife deserves credit too because she did not get up and walk out. She listened and she is still there being your wife. I think your marriage is stronger than any religion and non-religion. Good luck in the future.

Peace on you and your family brother

You have done the right thing, to be totally truthful with your wife. I am an atheist too and I have decided that it is not something to hide or be shameful of. I don't preach atheism, but if somebody asks, I tell them the truth. The evidence is on our side of the argument. Best of luck in dealing with your situation, it sounds like your wife is a lucky woman.

Sadly, they don't really believe us. They just feel that, for some reason, we've chosen to deny the truth. She'll still continue to hope. But she's handling it very well and that looks good on her.

Along the lines of what dagny said, "Of all the things I can think of to serve others and enjoy retirement, that is NOT remotely attractive to me now!," maybe you could come up with a compromise.

Tell her that when you're seniors you can "serve" one day a week at the local food bank, or something along those lines. Volunteer somewhere to give back to the community.

The sad thing is that serving a seniors mission is often just a status thing with the Church. Mormons love to look good to other Mormons.

Marriages do go on for years and years with one spouse believing and one not. It's always strained and never as happy because the believing spouse judges (beer drinking), holds out hope for the other spouse to return, and mourns what they don't have instead of being grateful for what they do have.

My sympathies. I hope you can be truly cherished for who and what you are.

justanotherjoe,

Your experience is almost identical to mine. I told my wife I was an atheist 5 years ago and it was really rough for the first couple of years. But in the years of her experiencing the love I have for her and our children has helped her know that I'm not suddenly going to want a divorce and sleep with every willing woman that comes along.

I'm just another Ex-Joe too.

I identify more now with people than I ever did as a member. Thanks for sharing.

-DesertAtheist

It's good to hear you are having an open dialogue - The way both of you are feeling about things is very normal. Definitely try to validate the feelings of letdown she is having about your relationship.

It's a flippant thing to say but it sucks to be you. I was single when I took that trip and it was hard enough having been BIC. Sounds like she's trying to make things work. Hope you guys figure it out.

Maybe you can find a humanitarian mission to do together? There are lots of ways to serve that don't have to do with God, per se. Maybe just making plans to do it together will be comforting?

I second this thought -- not because you're necessarily on here looking for advice, but because I find your love for your wife really moving. Like now that the you're not living by TSCC's idea of a marriage and its fake goals, you TRULY cherish your wife and family. You're with her because you want to be, and nothing else.

I think making these plans with her would be a really sweet gesture and, if I were in her place, would mean a lot considering the impact of the conversation you just had. Its a meaningful, concrete way to show her how much you value her dreams, too, while still being true to yourself.

I'm sorry you had to have this hard conversation, but you guys sound like you have a rock-solid marriage if you can handle it this well.

Every time I read a post like this it breaks my heart. My family relationships are damaged. Some people call the church a cult. I do not use that word with believing members because it hinders any possible conversations. But the reality is this the exact extremely damaging result one would expect if you were involved in a cult. I have lost all respect for the leaders of the church because of the damage they are allowing to happen in families.

My wife had a rough night sleeping after our discussion last night. But she did eventually get some sleep and she is back to her wonderful self today. I truly do love everything about her except her religion or at least her desire for me to be part of it. It's interesting to me that my wife is more worried about me wanting to leave the marriage, since it seems like most of the stories I hear on this site is that the believing spouse is usually the one wanting to end the marriage.

Anyway, I wanted to thank everyone for their kind thoughts and encouragement.

That comment really just says more about how TSCC villifies atheists than it does about your wife. Sounds like she has been conditioned to believe certain things about people who don't believe, and not that she necessarily believes that about you.

I love the idea of a secular humanitarian mission instead of an LDS mission. I would discuss that with her, if I were you. What I see is that you and your wife are having a great relationship right now. If that's true, then it DOESN'T suck to be you. Next morning, when she goes to the kitchen for breakfast, just give her a big hug and tell her you love her. Everything will be fine.

My wife used the senior missionary tactic on me too. I felt really bad. Unlike you, I turned to Christianity after I left Mormonism, so I tried to convince her to become a Christian and go on a Christian mission with me. She didn't want any of it. I agree with the comment that it's the brainwashing. I, like you, have resigned myself to the prospect that my wife likely never will leave TSCC. I accept that. I'm happier where I am and no longer feel like I'm living a lie. I hope all goes well between you and your wife.

It's interesting to see how you're living in and for the present while her hopes and motivation are focused on some things out there in the future. It's sort of the journey versus the destination. It might be only partly about belief. It might be as much or more about personality.

But it seems like you're handling the situation well. I like the point you made that you had been an atheist for several year, and that what she saw those years was just your regular, responsible self, not a crazed animal. See, dear wife, atheism does not equal depravity.

I don't have a spouse to worry about but I still have not found the courage to tell my family and close friends that I am an atheist. My mother and sister, and most of my friends, believe strongly in God and a pretty well defined afterlife. I just keep my mouth shut.

I appreciate your desire to be able to communicate openly with your spouse. If I were to get married some day I certainly would not want to keep my disbelief a secret.

Getting your wife to let go of the security she is so attached to in her belief of Mormonism may be a tall order. I know you are not expecting it to happen. But maybe, just maybe, she will come around. I can hope for your sake and for the increased closeness it would bring to your marriage that someday it just might happen. Best wishes.