I am financially independent of my parents yet I still find them criticizing my decisions especially my financial ones (like me taking loans to pay for school, I still have to even after scholarships, financial aid, and 2-3 jobs). In reality, they have no leverage over my decisions, but in my mind, I feel like some how I still have to listen to them and if I don't they'll be able to control me somehow. How do you deal with helicopter parents? I have brought this fact up to them, that I am in my mid twenties and should still not be treated like a child, however when I use the phrase "helicopter parents" they don't see themselves as such and bring some crazy ass story up, like parents that stalk their children to/from school everyday; like they are trying to prove how "good" they are as parents and are not actually crazy helicopter parents.

TL;DR How do you still deal with helicopter parents even though you are in your mid twenties and are financially independent?

Smile and nod and ignore them...

Helicopter parents would be going to the bank for you and insisting they give you a loan.

making the decisions that I think are best for me."

Or "If you don't want me to take out a loan, I'd gladly accept your tuition gift, as long as it doesn't require me to listen to your advice."

On the other hand maybe they are trying to give you advice based on experience.

They don't sound like helicopter parents.

Ask them if they want to give you the money.

Then, and only then, can they have a voice in your adult decisions.

brothergalileo Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I am financially independent of my parents yet I
> still find them criticizing my decisions
> especially my financial ones (like me taking loans
> to pay for school, ...<<

You can only control yourself. You can't stop them from being helicopters, But you CAN stop being a helipad.

How are your parents finding out your private, adult financial decisions in the first place? They can't criticise what they don't know. Stop sharing your private information with them.

When you were a minor teenager, your only hopes of influencing your parents were persuasion, rhetoric, negotiation, emotional appeals, etc. When you hit 18 you have a whole new tool you never had before: saying no (or even "F you")and having the last word. It took me until I was well into my 20's to wake up to this.

As a female, my mormon parents are the old fashioned sort that believes I need a man to tell me what to do.

But I thought otherwise. Once I hit 18 I left home, lived in my car, roomed with friends off and on never giving up my address, squatted in places I wasn't allowed to live, and only finally gave out the address to my apartment when I was 26.
Then they had my address after I got married, but since they have repeatedly given it to both the church and people I HAVE NEVER MET, we had a little talking-to.
I told my mom to black it out of her address book as a reminder not to give it out. They know how to get to my house, and nobody but the strangers she has given it out to sends me anything in the mail.

Well, she got the last word in, so she thinks... She admitted to keeping it on file, disrespecting my wishes yet again. If it wasn't an email crafted to get a reaction from me I might have let it slide... But no, it was drama central, her exerting her "dominion" over me.
She doesn't get any future addresses. I will visit them.

Control your information. Sometimes you have to make a scene and be "the bad guy" to get your point across, but it's a manipulative thing to say that all contention is of the devil. You can stand up for yourself and they will get over their hurt feelings eventually, just like you've gotten over it eventually every time they disrespected you.

I haven't given my address to my parents for over 20 years.
That hasn't stopped a busy body in the family from giving it to them though.

The reason I didn't give it to them was for the same reason you mentioned. That and they would drop in unannounced whenever they happened to be in the neighborhood. The last time they did that I lived 2000 miles away! They called me from a truck stop 10 minutes away to ask how to get to my house. Lucky for them I wasn't home and my husband gave them directions.

I don't know if they know my current address or not. I didn't give it to them. I've cleaned it off of every internet site i've found it on. Just so you all know, you can block your info from being on spokeo and sites like that. Go to the bottom and read the fine print for directions of how to block it.

I agree with others. They aren't helicopter parents. Helicopter parents would be enabling you to keep mooching off them. Preferably with you still living under their roof.

Your parents, like mine, are nosy and entitled. It took me a long time to learn to stop the info train, but it was for the best.

My mom hasn't paid a bill since the late 70s. She loves to tell me that my rent is too high, that my phone bill is ridiculous and that doing anything the right way. Not just with money, but with housekeeping, cooking, whatever.

A simple, "don't worry. I've got it covered" on REPEAT has finally sent them a message. But it took me more than 3 years to train them :)

Is that how they learn your business?

If so, I think you need to stop answering them.

"How much is your car loan interest?"

"LOL! Don't worry about that. I'm good for it." Then change the subject.

It will take time and effort to teach them how to treat you but it's worth it. If they never learn, you'll still have your privacy and dignity intact.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/13/2013 07:26AM by Cheryl.

"but in my mind, I feel like some how I still have to listen to them and if I don't t"

This right here? This is your problem.

The only thing you can control is YOU. So it seems to me like you're not very confident or comfortable with the decisions you're making for yourself. Stop and take a few minutes to list out all your successes on a piece of paper. Reflect on all the decisions you had to make to get to that point. Give yourself credit for making good decisions that had a positive impact on your life. Recognizing your own success is a great way to build confidence in yourself, your autonomy, and your problem-solving abilities.

There comes a point in time -- maybe somewhere around the mid-20s, but it's different for everyone -- where you simply cease caring if your parents approve of your decisions. When you feel like you are your own person and you're happy about who you are, then you stop craving your parents' approval. And that leads to not sharing TMI, and that leads to accepting the consequences, good or bad, of your own choices. And when parents see that you think things through and take responsibility for yourself, they stop giving so much advice. Then there comes another point in time when your parents begin to recognize you as the expert in whatever you are an expert in, and they start seeking YOUR advice. That's a fun day!