Posted by:
Rebeckah
(
)
Date: August 13, 2013 02:19PM
My take on D&C 132 (as a lifetime NonMormon)
1 Verily, thus saith the Lord unto you my servant Joseph, that inasmuch as you have inquired of my hand to know and understand wherein I, the Lord, justified my servants Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, as also Moses, David and Solomon, my servants, as touching the principle and doctrine of their having many awives and bconcubines—
(Okay, Joseph, since you keep pestering me on why the fictional characters of the Bible got lots of babes and you don’t…)
2 Behold, and lo, I am the Lord thy God, and will answer thee as touching this matter.
(I’m going to answer your whining.)
3 Therefore, aprepare thy heart to receive and bobey the instructions which I am about to give unto you; for all those who have this law revealed unto them must obey the same.
(Get ready to OBEY!)
4 For behold, I reveal unto you a new and an everlasting acovenant; and if ye abide not that covenant, then are ye bdamned; for no one can creject this covenant and be permitted to enter into my glory.
(No, really, you have to OBEY or else!)
5 For all who will have a ablessing at my hands shall abide the blaw which was appointed for that blessing, and the conditions thereof, as were instituted from before the foundation of the world.
(And because I am endlessly redundant, let me repeat – this is something to OBEY!)
6 And as pertaining to the anew and everlasting covenant, it was instituted for the fulness of my bglory; and he that receiveth a fulness thereof must and shall abide the law, or he shall be damned, saith the Lord God.
(Again, you’re gonna’ have to do this. *Anyone but me starting to feel like Joseph’s God is a bit of a tease here?*)
7 And verily I say unto you, that the aconditions of this law are these: All covenants, contracts, bonds, obligations, boaths, cvows, performances, connections, associations, or expectations, that are not made and entered into and dsealed by the Holy Spirit of promise, of him who is eanointed, both as well for time and for all eternity, and that too most holy, by frevelation and commandment through the medium of mine anointed, whom I have appointed on the earth to hold this gpower (and I have appointed unto my servant Joseph to hold this hpower in the last days, and there is never but one on the earth at a time on whom this power and the ikeys of this priesthood are conferred), are of no efficacy, virtue, or force in and after the resurrection from the dead; for all contracts that are not made unto this end have an end when men are dead.
(Longwinded story short – only Joseph can make a binding contract. And since he didn’t transfer the “keys” to Brigham Young, I’m thinking the COJCOLDS is kind of screwed, but who am I to judge?)
8 Behold, mine house is a house of aorder, saith the Lord God, and not a house of confusion.
(Don’t argue or you’ll confuse people and piss me off.)
9 Will I aaccept of an offering, saith the Lord, that is not made in my name?
(Do I love to hear the sound of my own voice?)
10 Or will I receive at your hands that which I have not aappointed?
(A lot?)
11 And will I appoint unto you, saith the Lord, except it be by law, even as I and my Father aordained unto you, before the world was?
(Yep, Joseph, you da’ man!)
12 I am the Lord thy God; and I give unto you this commandment—that no man shall acome unto the Father but by me or by my word, which is my law, saith the Lord.
(Really, this sounds like another “obey” disguised as a carrot.)
13 And everything that is in the world, whether it be ordained of men, by athrones, or principalities, or powers, or things of name, whatsoever they may be, that are not by me or by my word, saith the Lord, shall be thrown down, and shall bnot remain after men are dead, neither in nor after the resurrection, saith the Lord your God.
(Only those who OBEY accomplish anything lasting. *Yeah, 5 billion years from now I wish I could see how “lasting” Joseph’s cult was – as the earth is atomized by the sun.*)
14 For whatsoever things remain are by me; and whatsoever things are not by me shall be shaken and destroyed.
(Hmmm, does this mean that since Joseph Smith was destroyed he wasn’t actually of this deity?)
15 Therefore, if a aman marry him a wife in the world, and he marry her not by me nor by my word, and he covenant with her so long as he is in the world and she with him, their covenant and marriage are not of force when they are dead, and when they are out of the world; therefore, they are not bound by any law when they are out of the world.
(If you don’t marry the Joseph Smith way with the Joseph Smith wedding then after you die your marriage VANISHES. *Of course, so do you but let’s not quibble.*)
16 Therefore, when they are out of the world they neither marry nor are given in amarriage; but are appointed angels in bheaven, which angels are ministering cservants, to minister for those who are worthy of a far more, and an exceeding, and an eternal weight of glory.
(So if you don’t marry the Joseph Smith way you die and become a SERVANT!)
17 For these angels did not abide my law; therefore, they cannot be enlarged, but remain separately and singly, without exaltation, in their saved condition, to all eternity; and from henceforth are not gods, but are aangels of God forever and ever.
(And you don’t get to PROGRESS!)
18 And again, verily I say unto you, if a man marry a wife, and make a covenant with her for time and for all eternity, if that acovenant is not by me or by my word, which is my law, and is not sealed by the Holy Spirit of promise, through him whom I have anointed and appointed unto this power, then it is not valid neither of force when they are out of the world, because they are not joined by me, saith the Lord, neither by my word; when they are out of the world it cannot be received there, because the angels and the gods are appointed there, by whom they cannot pass; they cannot, therefore, inherit my glory; for my house is a house of order, saith the Lord God.
(Look at what you miss out on if you don’t get married right!)
19 And again, verily I say unto you, if a man amarry a wife by my word, which is my law, and by the bnew and everlasting covenant, and it is csealed unto them by the Holy Spirit of dpromise, by him who is anointed, unto whom I have appointed this power and the ekeys of this priesthood; and it shall be said unto them—Ye shall come forth in the first resurrection; and if it be after the first resurrection, in the next resurrection; and shall inherit fthrones, kingdoms, principalities, and powers, dominions, all heights and depths—then shall it be written in the Lamb’s gBook of Life, that he shall commit no hmurder whereby to shed innocent iblood, and if ye abide in my covenant, and commit no murder whereby to shed innocent blood, it shall be done unto them in all things whatsoever my servant hath put upon them, in time, and through all eternity; and shall be of full force when they are out of the world; and they shall pass by the angels, and the gods, which are set there, to their jexaltation and glory in all things, as hath been sealed upon their heads, which glory shall be a fulness and a continuation of the kseeds forever and ever.
(But if you DO marry “right” – and don’t shed innocent blood *sorry Brigham, you’re screwed* -- then you get to stay married, be higher than those servant angels, get exhalted and your seed *so, women aren’t included in this promise?* continues forever.)
20 Then shall they be gods, because they have no end; therefore shall they be from aeverlasting to everlasting, because they continue; then shall they be above all, because all things are subject unto them. Then shall they be bgods, because they have call power, and the angels are subject unto them.
(Yes, folks, as long as you OBEY *and were born with viable sperm* you can become a God – because everyone knows that obedience is the most important quality in a budding deity.)
21 Verily, verily, I say unto you, except ye abide my alaw ye cannot attain to this glory.
(OBEY or I won’t share my goodies with you.)
22 For astrait is the gate, and narrow the bway that leadeth unto the exaltation and continuation of the clives, and few there be that find it, because ye receive me not in the world neither do ye know me.
(Not obeying hurts my feelings and makes me feel rejected.)
23 But if ye receive me in the world, then shall ye know me, and shall receive your exaltation; that awhere I am ye shall be also.
(However, if you DO obey we’ll be best friends forever!)
24 This is aeternal lives—to bknow the only wise and true God, and Jesus Christ, whom he hath csent. I am he. Receive ye, therefore, my law.
(Did I mention that I’m God – and that you must obey what I tell you to do?)
25 aBroad is the gate, and wide the way that leadeth to the bdeaths; and many there are that go in thereat, because they creceive me not, neither do they abide in my law.
(This obeying thing is VERY important – lots of people just don’t get it.)
26 Verily, verily, I say unto you, if a man marry a wife according to my word, and they are sealed by the aHoly Spirit of promise, according to mine appointment, and he or she shall commit any sin or transgression of the new and everlasting covenant whatever, and all manner of blasphemies, and if they bcommit no murder wherein they shed innocent blood, yet they shall come forth in the first resurrection, and enter into their exaltation; but they shall be destroyed in the flesh, and shall be cdelivered unto the buffetings of dSatan unto the day of eredemption, saith the Lord God.
(If you don’t obey then you’ll be punished until the judgment day. Better be good!)
27 The ablasphemy against the Holy Ghost, which shall bnot be cforgiven in the world nor out of the world, is in that ye commit dmurder wherein ye shed innocent blood, and assent unto my death, after ye have received my new and everlasting covenant, saith the Lord God; and he that abideth not this law can in nowise enter into my glory, but shall be edamned, saith the Lord.
(Let me repeat this again – OBEY!!!)
28 I am the Lord thy God, and will give unto thee the alaw of my Holy Priesthood, as was ordained by me and my Father before the world was.
(Now, let me explain about the penishood…)
29 aAbraham received all things, whatsoever he received, by revelation and commandment, by my word, saith the Lord, and hath entered into his exaltation and sitteth upon his throne.
(Abraham got lots of information from me, the deity, and because he OBEYED he’s chillin’ by me on a throne.)
30 aAbraham received promises concerning his seed, and of the fruit of his loins—from whose bloins ye are, namely, my servant Joseph—which were to continue so long as they were in the world; and as touching Abraham and his seed, out of the world they should continue; both in the world and out of the world should they continue as innumerable as the cstars; or, if ye were to count the sand upon the seashore ye could not number them.
(And because he obeyed he had lots of little slaves in the form of offspring forever and ever!)
31 This promise is yours also, because ye are of aAbraham, and the promise was made unto Abraham; and by this law is the continuation of the works of my Father, wherein he glorifieth himself.
(And YOU, Joseph, are my new Abraham. Squeal! Squeal with glee!)
32 Go ye, therefore, and do the aworks of Abraham; enter ye into my law and ye shall be saved.
(Quick! Grab your first born son as a sacrifice to me! Or something like that.)
33 But if ye enter not into my law ye cannot receive the promise of my Father, which he made unto Abraham.
(Once again, if you DON’T obey I’ll just find another Abraham and you’ll be seedless – like the watermelons.)
34 God acommanded Abraham, and Sarah gave bHagar to Abraham to wife. And why did she do it? Because this was the law; and from Hagar sprang many people. This, therefore, was fulfilling, among other things, the promises.
(Now this is the good part, Joseph, the part I’ve been stressing you must obey. It’s the part where Abraham gets another woman because GOD COMMANDED IT. *Just a note; not biblical at all. In fact, the bible seems to have considered this a BAD MOVE on Abraham and Sarah’s part.*)
35 Was Abraham, therefore, under condemnation? Verily I say unto you, Nay; for I, the Lord, acommanded it.
(Pay attention! Abraham was not a lying adulterer when he boned Hagar and got her pregnant because I *that loving, merciful, all-knowing deity* told him to do it!)
36 Abraham was acommanded to offer his son Isaac; nevertheless, it was written: Thou shalt not bkill. Abraham, however, did not refuse, and it was accounted unto him for crighteousness.
(Teeheehee, You see what I *the loving, merciful, and all-knowing deity* did? I told Abraham to break my law and murder his son! And because he OBEYED the commandment that told him to break my commandment I was really happy with him.)
37 Abraham received aconcubines, and they bore him children; and it was accounted unto him for righteousness, because they were given unto him, and he abode in my law; as Isaac also and bJacob did none other things than that which they were commanded; and because they did none other things than that which they were commanded, they have entered into their cexaltation, according to the promises, and sit upon thrones, and are not angels but are gods.
(And because I was happy with Abraham’s ability to know it’s okay to break my law when I tell him to, I gave him lots more virgins than those silly terrorists get to look forward to – and I gave them to him on Earth when he could really enjoy them.)
38 David also received amany wives and concubines, and also Solomon and Moses my servants, as also many others of my servants, from the beginning of creation until this time; and in nothing did they sin save in those things which they received not of me.
(By the way, David and Solomon and Moses had lots of women too – and they weren’t adulterers either. It’s all cool to violate what I tell you earlier if you have a revelation later. Really, it is.)
39 aDavid’s wives and concubines were bgiven unto him of me, by the hand of Nathan, my servant, and others of the prophets who had the ckeys of this power; and in none of these things did he dsin against me save in the case of eUriah and his wife; and, therefore he hath ffallen from his exaltation, and received his portion; and he shall not inherit them out of the world, for I ggave them unto another, saith the Lord.
(David, however, shed that “innocent” blood and so he doesn’t get any of those wives back in the afterlife you’re looking forward to. So go ahead and take another man’s wife if you want to, just don’t kill him to get the wife.)
40 I am the Lord thy God, and I gave unto thee, my servant Joseph, an aappointment, and restore all things. Ask what ye will, and it shall be given unto you according to my word.
(So, Joseph, since I allowed all this sleeping around in the past, and you’ve been bugging me about it, I guess it’s okay for you to boink lots of other women too.)
41 And as ye have asked concerning adultery, verily, verily, I say unto you, if a man areceiveth a wife in the new and everlasting covenant, and if she be with another man, and I have not appointed unto her by the holy banointing, she hath committed cadultery and shall be destroyed.
(Now, you ladies, if you get properly married to your husbands and boink another guy – YOU are adulterers. So *are you paying attention Emma?* don’t even THINK about leaving your husband and marrying someone else.)
42 If she be not in the new and everlasting covenant, and she be with another man, she has acommitted adultery.
(Also, if you DON’T get married the “right” way and boink a guy who isn’t your improperly married husband you are STILL an adulterer, ladies.)
43 And if her husband be with another woman, and he was under a avow, he hath broken his vow and hath committed adultery.
(You know all that stuff I just said about boinking other women being okay? Well sometimes it’s not.)
44 And if she hath not committed adultery, but is innocent and hath not broken her vow, and she knoweth it, and I reveal it unto you, my servant Joseph, then shall you have power, by the power of my Holy Priesthood, to take her and agive her unto him that hath not committed badultery but hath been cfaithful; for he shall be made ruler over many.
(Now, if a guy is guilty of adultery *and since we’ve just received contradictory verses on what that is it appears that only Joseph gets to decide it* then Joseph gets to reassign his innocent wife to another guy.)
45 For I have conferred upon you the akeys and power of the priesthood, wherein I brestore all things, and make known unto you all things in due time.
(‘Cause you’re my buddy, Joseph, and I want you to have this power.)
46 And verily, verily, I say unto you, that whatsoever you aseal on earth shall be sealed in heaven; and whatsoever you bbind on earth, in my name and by my word, saith the Lord, it shall be eternally bound in the heavens; and whosesoever sins you cremit on earth shall be remitted eternally in the heavens; and whosesoever sins you retain on earth shall be retained in heaven.
(In fact, Joseph, I give you the power to bind and release all kinds of stuff in my name and I’ll totally make it good after you’re dead.)
47 And again, verily I say, whomsoever you bless I will bless, and whomsoever you curse I will acurse, saith the Lord; for I, the Lord, am thy God.
(I repeat – power for my buddies!)
48 And again, verily I say unto you, my servant Joseph, that whatsoever you give on earth, and to whomsoever you agive any one on earth, by my word and according to my law, it shall be visited with blessings and not cursings, and with my power, saith the Lord, and shall be without condemnation on earth and in heaven.
(So don’t worry, Joseph – if you give John’s wife to Ezra it’s a totally good thing!)
49 For I am the Lord thy God, and will be awith thee even unto the bend of the world, and through all eternity; for verily I cseal upon you your dexaltation, and prepare a throne for you in the kingdom of my Father, with Abraham your efather.
(Because I really like you, Joseph. You’ve got a throne waiting and everything.)
50 Behold, I have seen your asacrifices, and will forgive all your sins; I have seen your bsacrifices in obedience to that which I have told you. Go, therefore, and I make a way for your escape, as I caccepted the offering of Abraham of his son Isaac.
(Dude, you’ve been so obedient that I will totally give you an out when I ask you to obey by doing something immoral – like killing a kid.)
51 Verily, I say unto you: A commandment I give unto mine handmaid, Emma Smith, your wife, whom I have given unto you, that she stay herself and partake not of that which I commanded you to offer unto her; for I did it, saith the Lord, to aprove you all, as I did Abraham, and that I might require an offering at your hand, by covenant and sacrifice.
(Okay, Emma, you know when Joseph said you could leave him? I told him to and I was just kidding. You get to start “sacrificing” now.)
52 And let mine handmaid, Emma Smith, areceive all those that have been given unto my servant Joseph, and who are virtuous and pure before me; and those who are not pure, and have said they were pure, shall be destroyed, saith the Lord God.
(You know those virtuous ladies I said Joseph could reassign? Well you, Emma, gots to accept them. I promise any that were lying about their purity will be harshly treated.)
53 For I am the Lord thy God, and ye shall obey my voice; and I give unto my servant Joseph that he shall be made ruler over many things; for he hath been afaithful over a few things, and from henceforth I will strengthen him.
(Because Joseph is just totally cool and I’m giving him a treat for his utter coolness and obedience and stuff.)
54 And I command mine handmaid, Emma Smith, to abide and acleave unto my servant Joseph, and to none else. But if she will not abide this commandment she shall be bdestroyed, saith the Lord; for I am the Lord thy God, and will destroy her if she abide not in my law.
(So, Emma, you’ve got to stay with Joseph. It doesn’t matter how angry and betrayed you’re going to feel about all those other women. If you don’t stick with Joseph then I’m just going to have to destroy you.)
55 But if she will not abide this commandment, then shall my servant Joseph do all things for her, even as he hath said; and I will bless him and multiply him and give unto him an ahundred-fold in this world, of fathers and mothers, brothers and sisters, houses and lands, wives and children, and crowns of beternal lives in the eternal worlds.
(And if you DON’T stay with Joseph then I’m just going to give Joe MORE women – because women really are a shiny toy and not human beings of worth at all.)
56 And again, verily I say, let mine handmaid aforgive my servant Joseph his trespasses; and then shall she be forgiven her trespasses, wherein she has trespassed against me; and I, the Lord thy God, will bless her, and multiply her, and make her heart to brejoice.
(If you do what I ask I’ll be nice to you….)
57 And again, I say, let not my servant Joseph put his property out of his hands, lest an enemy come and destroy him; for aSatan bseeketh to destroy; for I am the Lord thy God, and he is my servant; and behold, and lo, I am with him, as I was with Abraham, thy father, even unto his cexaltation and glory.
(Oh, and you don’t get to have any of the family property so don’t ask anymore.)
58 Now, as touching the law of the apriesthood, there are many things pertaining thereunto.
(Now I’m going to explain more about the penishood powers.)
59 Verily, if a man be called of my Father, as was aAaron, by mine own voice, and by the voice of him that bsent me, and I have endowed him with the ckeys of the power of this priesthood, if he do anything in my name, and according to my law and by my word, he will not commit dsin, and I will justify him.
(If I have spoken to a man, it doesn’t matter what I tell him to do he’s not going to sin. *Which may very well be how Mitchell justified what he did to Elizabeth Smart.*)
60 Let no one, therefore, set on my servant Joseph; for I will justify him; for he shall do the sacrifice which I require at his hands for his transgressions, saith the Lord your God.
(So, all you people who are offended by Joseph’s philandering? Back off! I’m God and I said it’s okay.)
61 And again, as pertaining to the law of the priesthood—if any man espouse a virgin, and desire to espouse aanother, and the first give her consent, and if he espouse the second, and they are virgins, and have vowed to no other man, then is he justified; he cannot commit adultery for they are given unto him; for he cannot commit adultery with that that belongeth unto him and to no one else.
(Now, any girls that haven’t been married, a guy can marry as many of them as he wants. Who cares if that creates an inequality for the other guys, right?)
62 And if he have aten virgins given unto him by this law, he cannot commit adultery, for they belong to him, and they are given unto him; therefore is he justified.
(And because women are property to give and take, you can’t really commit adultery with them no matter how many you hoard. Isn’t that cool, guys? You’re “justified”.)
63 But if one or either of the ten virgins, after she is espoused, shall be with another man, she has committed adultery, and shall be destroyed; for they are given unto him to amultiply and replenish the earth, according to my commandment, and to fulfil the promise which was given by my Father before the foundation of the world, and for their exaltation in the eternal worlds, that they may bear the souls of men; for herein is the work of my Father continued, that he may be bglorified.
(But if these naughty girls try to have multiple guys then they will be severely dealt with because they’re supposed to be having babies *and obviously one can’t have a baby with an adulterer – I’m pretty sure the body has ways of shutting that down*. So keep your eyes to yourselves, ladies, only the guys get variety.)
64 And again, verily, verily, I say unto you, if any man have a wife, who holds the keys of this power, and he teaches unto her the law of my priesthood, as pertaining to these things, then shall she believe and administer unto him, or she shall be destroyed, saith the Lord your God; for I will destroy her; for I will magnify my name upon all those who receive and abide in my law.
(So you ladies who have had this law explained to you by your men with the super-secret penishood power, if you DON’T allow all this womanizing then you will be destroyed ‘cause that’s how I ROLL.)
65 Therefore, it shall be lawful in me, if she receive not this law, for him to receive all things whatsoever I, the Lord his God, will give unto him, because she did not believe and administer unto him according to my word; and she then becomes the transgressor; and he is exempt from the law of Sarah, who administered unto Abraham according to the law when I commanded Abraham to take aHagar to wife.
(So, Joseph can have his cake and eat it too. If you ladies don’t comply willingly then the man will just do it anyway and YOU will be penalized but he’s going to be just dandy – get it?)
66 And now, as pertaining to this law, verily, verily, I say unto you, I will reveal more unto you, hereafter; therefore, let this suffice for the present. Behold, I am Alpha and Omega. Amen.
(One day I’m going to tell you more about this but this is enough for now.)
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/13/2013 02:44PM by Rebeckah.