I was cleaning out some stuff today and came across my old journals. This is the entry I wrote the day I took my endowments out for the first time. I have not edited this except to take out any identifying information. I was pretty TBM at the time, but I can see seeds of doubt in my mind even at that time. Six years later DH and I left the church.

July 16, 2004

Today I took out my endowments at the ________ temple. Wow! things were very different than I thought they would be. I was overwhelmed with all of the new stuff. It seemed almost cultish to me in a sense. There was so much symbolism. It made me realize how differently Heavenly Father must think than us. We really are simple minded creatures. I was a little scared while I was in there because I didn't know if I was doing things right. There was just so much to take in. I don't know if I should write what took place in there so I'll just stick to my feelings and basic words. I have a lot of questions I would like to ask someone. I can see why they ask you in the recommend interview if you have a testimony if the church is true, because if you didn't you would probably think the church was a bit nutty. Maybe I wasn't as prepared for the temple as I thought I was. It was extremely hot in the temple. I think the air conditioning was broke. Toward the end there was a prayer said. Mom told me to go up with (fiance). It was so weird and sweltering hot and I HATED having that thing over my face. There were a couple of times I started to cry. I'm pretty sure Mom and the others around me thought I was feeling the spirit, but I just felt so overwhelmed and filled with anxiety. Some of the things that were said in the temple bothered me, but I guess I will understand what they mean one day. I feel guilty that it wasn't some amazing spiritual experience like I thought it would be. I guess it will just take time to understand. I know the church is true and that the temple is a good thing so I will continue to pray for understanding.

Thanks for sharing. There should be a place where thoughts like yours could be collected..

like an anonymous confessions site for TBMs to report their real feelings upon being endowed and sealed.

I can absolutely envision that if I'd remained TBM past my 18th birthday I might have felt the same way, thought the same thoughts, and cried the same tears (confusion, overwhelmed, anxiety). Trying to rationalize that the fault must be with me, not Gawd's One True Church.

So glad you both got out in a relatively short number of years afterward. Keep those journals!

You're brave. I still have a hard time going through my journals and reliving some of those experiences.

Wow, that pretty much summed up my experience in the temple. I've stayed away from my journals. Maybe I'll check to see what I wrote about my first time there.

I was so utterly flummoxed after my endowment that I went right back through another session to see if it would make more sense the second time. And a third right after that - three sessions in one day. Driving home, I was totally emotionally drained, so confused and disappointed that I was in tears. And, of course, there's no one you can talk to about it. I went once a week for four years; I never got over my feeling of discomfort and confusion and I never once felt the joy in the temple that had been advertised. Not until I came to RFM did I realize that so many other folks had the same reaction.

I think a lot of devout TBMs struggled with this too, but have thi to they value more at stake than getting out of an organization that does cult rituals. They can also control frequency and I do think the 1990 changes made a difference.

I have never been post 88, but I imagine the clothing and up and down changing of clothing are now the weirdest things about the Mormon cult ritual. Does the 1990 creep people out as much as the pre-1990 Mormon temple cult ritual?

My oldest daughter was divorced with three children, had been activated in a student ward. She was a sophomore at the time, pursuing an English Lit degree. She turned to me as we left the Celestial room and said, "Wow, just Wow". From her tone of voice, I knew she didn't mean that in a good way.

She went home and did what she always did when she didn't understand something. She started doing research. She started with the D&C and read it cover to cover and that was all it took. She was out.

I have a written account of my endowment in the LA temple over half a century ago. I wrote a lot about the murals and the fine furnishings. Although I knew my account was for my eyes only, I could not bring myself to write about the dialogue, covenants, etc. I found it very strange, especially as a new convert from a mainstream protestant faith community. I was glad to head back to the dressing room and quickly threw my street clothes on.I never mentioned a word about it to my non=member parents or siblings.

GOOD SHARE!! I can totally see my self feeling that way too. It makes me wonder how many TBM have those thoughts & bury them to stay in! That "give it time & somedaywe'll understand," Is a HUUUGE pass for morgdom!

My niece just got her endowments for her mission. Her parents were with her. I will see her just before she leaves. I hope I have some one-on-one time with her.

Entries like the one you just shared makes me so glad I was a bad little mormon girl and was never "worthy" for a temple recommend.

I am with you every step of that first journey through the endowments. I was being married (we lived quite a way from the temple), and so my concentation was on the marriage ceremony after. But I thought I was just being dumb and naive to not understand all about the endowments etc. Nope I wasn't, who understands all that stuff? I went through when we still slit our throats etc, part of me just went away for that bit, I don't think I took it in. I remember it all, but was thinking "What on earth........?". Oh well all over, I LIKE my ordinary underwear, my ex-mo status and being divorced! What an innocent 18 year old I was!